Grief. Boy, if there is one thing that is layered, seasonally intense, and very personalized to each human being (meaning, no one can tell you when or how to grieve), grief would have to be it. And yet, live long enough and you’re bound to experience it — not just in one way either. Grief tends to come with the loss of a loved one. Grief tends to show up via the ending of a relationship (including a friendship). Grief shows up during various types of life transitions.
Grief even reveals itself as you are shedding pieces of who you are (in order to become who you need to be). And that is why I have always appreciated and even resonated with the quote by author Colin Murray Parkes about grief: “Grief is the price that we pay for love.”
Because here’s the thing — just as love has seasons and stages, so does, well, grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and what a lot of people don’t tell you is the stages can come in cycles and even overlap. It’s important that when this happens, you are both self-compassionate as well as hypervigilant when it comes to implementing self-care.
And that’s what moved me so about the lead video for this piece (see below), where Regina King (someone who I enjoy and appreciate on so many levels) is talking about where she currently is, in her own grief, almost three years after her son Ian’s passing. In her eyes, there is both sadness (a stage of grief) and resilience (a form of acceptance) and, to me, it serves as a reminder that through grief, we must nurture self. It is essential. It is paramount.
The article continues after the video.
If you are currently in the stage of grieving something or someone, here are 10 things that you can do, physically, to get through — not over but through — what you are currently experiencing. Because another quote that I honor about grief? “Sometimes the healing hurts more than the wound.” (Unknown)
Or, as my mother used to say, “Surgery hurts but it can also cure.” Amen.
1. Do Some Grief-Themed Meditations
Unsplash
Meditation is something that we’re always gonna back over on this side of the internet because science gives us far too many reasons to. Over the years, research has proven that meditation reduces stress and anxiety, promotes self-awareness and a higher sense of self-worth and it can help you to become more compassionate while improving your quality of rest.
And when it comes to grief, specifically, by getting still enough to feel what you are going through (whatever stage of grief it may be), it can help you to understand what your present needs are, it can encourage you to be kinder and more patient with yourself and it can also reduce your chances of falling into depression. If you would like to tap into this more, check out Mindful’s “A 12-Minute Meditation for Grief and Loss” or go to YouTube and put “grief meditations” in the search field.
2. Use Essential Oils (That Make the Grieving Process Easier)
At this point, I’m really starting to wonder if there is anything that essential oils can’t do. I say that because, over the years, I’ve written articles like, “8 Essential Oils That Will Manifest (More Of) Your Feminine Energy” and “You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep” — and, believe it or not, there are even oils that can help to bring ease and comfort during the grieving process.
Some of those include lavender (it decreases anxiety); chamomile (it helps to balance your moods); sandalwood (it calms your senses); jasmine (it cultivates peace), and rosemary (it reduces your cortisol levels which basically means that it reduces stress).
To get the most out of these oils, you can either apply them to one of your pressure points, put them into a diffuser and add a couple of drops to your bedding for a more restful night’s sleep.
3. Spend More Time in Nature
Unsplash
There is a chapter in the Bible that says there is a time and season for everything. If you read Ecclesiastes 3 all the way through, you will notice that there are times for death, crying, mourning and losing — it’s all a part of life. And perhaps the reason why nature can help us to get through those things is because it literally goes through seasons of transition; it’s not summer all of the time and it’s not winter all of the time either.
Aside from the “poetic” insights that nature can provide, the American Psychological Association says that doing something as simple as taking a walk outdoors can lower your stress levels, help you to feel happier and it can boost your cognitive abilities. In fact, if you want to bring some nature indoors, plants have a way of also reducing your stress levels and making you physically feel better (since they help to keep indoor pollution down to a minimum).
4. Limit Your Alcohol Intake
It’s not uncommon that, when some people are going through certain stages of grief, they will drink alcohol more often than they usually do. The challenge with that is, although it may feel like an initial stimulant, it’s actually a depressant; this means that it can slow down your brain and make you feel calm at first while also blurring your vision, impairing your judgment and causing you to feel disoriented in the process.
The roller coaster ride of what alcohol can do is why it’s not a good idea to consume a lot of it if you are going through an intense grieving process. Because here’s the thing — it’s not as difficult to develop a dependency on alcohol as you might think; especially if you have a family history of alcoholism or you’ve relied on it as a way to cope with stress or pressures in the past.
5. Up Your Vitamin B, C and Magnesium Doses
Unsplash
It’s pretty understandable that while you are grieving, you may not have much of an appetite; that’s why it’s important to take supplements in order to get certain nutrients into your system. For instance, B-vitamins help to reduce stress, anxiety and feelings related to depression; vitamin C will strengthen your immunity (because the last thing that you want to be is sick when you’re grieving) and, to keep your cortisol (stress hormone) levels in check, magnesium will help to stabilize your moods.
By the way — foods that are high in “B” include spinach, eggs and beef; foods that are filled with Vitamin C include citrus fruit, berries and yellow peppers, and foods that are packed with magnesium include whole grains, avocados and cashews.
6. Get More Hugs
Not too long ago, I stumbled across an article entitled, “A Hug Only Takes 10 Seconds, Yet the Benefits Last Forever” and it really is true. For one thing, hugs are a physical expression of sympathy, compassion and even empathy — and all of that can help to decrease your stress levels, reduce feelings of fear (yes, literally) and lower experiences of (mild) physical pain and discomfort that you might have. Also, hugs can make it easier for you to express whatever you may be currently going through to other people.
In fact, some therapists say that we need multiple hugs a day, whether we are feeling low/need an extra layer of support or not. How many exactly? Popular therapist Virginia Satir believes this: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” So, even if you think that you don’t feel like receiving physical affection, be open to it. A hug can do what all of these other tips simply…can’t.
7. Make Plans for Special Days (That Are Connected to Your Grief)
Unsplash
Ask anyone who has lost someone close to them (whether it was through death, a break-up or life-altering transition of a relationship…of any kind) and they will probably tell you that holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are oftentimes the hardest days to get through. To this, I say, make a point to do something special — whether grand or small — on those days instead of dreading them.
When it comes to my late fiancé, he will have been gone 30 years this November 3. Every year, I will get his favorite Checker’s meal (that man ate Checker’s and pizza more than anything else; it was wild!) and listen to some of his favorite music (The Roots, Biggie, D’Angelo, Faith Evans and Groove Theory…for starters; he used to intern where he would get early releases of things and it was awesome). It always puts a smile on my face to do so because it reminds me that love doesn’t die…it shifts forms.
8. Try a Grief Journal and/or Grief Therapy
So, here’s the thing about journaling — if writing isn’t really your thing (or grieving currently has you feeling pretty close to exhausted most of the time), you can always pull out your phone and record some voice notes. Just remember that there is plenty of research which supports that journaling (of any kind) can help to relieve anxiety, reduce stress and help you to face whatever you are feeling head-on. A bonus? If you journal consistently, it can help you to document the progress that you are making through your feelings and stages of grieving.
The same thing can be said for grief therapy; especially since grief therapists/counselors/life coaches are trained to help you get through whatever season of grief that you might be going through.
And what are some clear indicators that you might need some extra assistance with your grief? You are experiencing suicidal ideations. You seem “stuck” in a stage (especially if it is sadness or anger). You don’t have any reliable support (meaning, you feel like you are dealing with everything that you are going through on your own). You are participating in (potentially) destructive habits or acts of self-sabotage. Your grief is affecting your quality of life (long-term). If any of these apply, please let someone know. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Again, grief comes to us all.
9. Add More “Comfort” to Your Bedding
Unsplash
Personally, I’m a believer when it comes to color psychology (check out “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life” and “This Is How Color Psychology Can Significantly Improve Your Sex Life”) and that is why I definitely think that when you are going through the grieving process, you should consider upgrading/updating your bedding. Since sleep is probably already a challenge for you (because grief elevates stress and stress is tied to restlessness and insomnia), sometimes a change of scenery in your bedroom can feel comforting.
First up, go with colors that cultivate feelings of happiness and security like shades of blue, orange, pink, yellow and green. Invest in a(nother) down or down alternative comforter. Surround yourself with, what I call “stuffed animals for adults” — tons of pillows; they can provide comfort and a sense of protection at night. You need to feel nuzzled in comfort at night — new bedding can help to make that happen.
10. Put Yourself on a Sleep Schedule
As you’re going through the various stages of grief (sometimes more than once), I actually read before that an acute level of it can take somewhere around a year before you settle into a new normal. During that time, your heart rate might randomly speed up, you may experience joint discomfort and headaches, concentrating could prove to be challenging, you might catch colds quicker and easier — and yes, all of this can lead to really struggling with getting to sleep.
Something that can help with this is putting yourself on a sleep schedule. By creating (and maintaining) a sleep schedule for yourself, that can place your circadian rhythm (the 24-hour cycle that helps you to get the kind of sleep that you need) into a routine that can make it easier for you to not only fall asleep but stay asleep — and the more rest you have, the easier it will be to face the grief cycles that you are going through. For other tips on how to get the quality of sleep that you both need and deserve, check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier.”
____
Artist Yumi Sakugawa once said, “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.” When you’re walking through grief, please take this especially to heart.
And listen, if you apply even one of these tips to your breathing, pat yourself on the back. You are showing signs of wanting to get through the grief — and that makes you stronger than you will ever know.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Unsplash
RELATED
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy
As you’re thinking about all of what transpired over the past 12 months, here are some signs that certain things (or people) who are currently in your sphere may need to be significantly realigned or even, shoot…let go of. Ultimately, for your greater good.
1. Your Mind, Body and Spirit Aren’t in Agreement (About It)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that, back when I was writing my first book, although I adored my editing team overall, it was still a Christian-based one, and so there were a few things that we would clash on. Take the term “human trinity,” for example. They kept wanting me to say something else for fear that it would appear “blasphemous” to certain readers.
Meanwhile, I kept giving pushback because "trinity" is not an actual biblical word. It literally means a group of three or a triad and while that can apply to the Godhead (I John 5:8), nothing is wrong with applying it to other situations and dynamics too...and, to me, the mind, body and spirit of a person equates to what I call their “human trinity” — and something that I oftentimes tell my clients is, “If your mind, body and spirit” are not all in agreement about something (or someone), take heed to that; at the very least, it’s an orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
So with that said, think about what you have going on in your life right now — if you’re not in a state of complete and total peace concerning everything, is it your mind that feels that way? Is it your body that seems a bit stressed? Is it your spirit that has you unsettled?
Always remember that your being — your mind, body, as well as your spirit — was created to work in harmony, and so, if that isn’t happening about a particular person, place, thing, or idea…you really should pause, ponder, and reflect before making any major moves. Oh, and if two parts of your trinity are struggling, 8/10, that is a sign that you definitely pump the brakes. At least until you figure out why.
2. It’s Spiritually Compromising You
GiphyI’m pretty sure that a lot of you have heard the quote, “You don't have a soul, you are a soul; you have a body,” before. If you thought that the writer C.S. Lewis authored it, many people do. Actually, it comes from a man whom he admired by the name of George MacDonald, and yes, it is quite profound when you stop to think about your spirit is the divine part of your being; yes, many consider it to also be your soul (check out “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul”).
Since the essence of who you are pretty much comes from the spiritual side of you (check out “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?”), it’s important that you are super intentional about nurturing and nourishing it; this includes keeping safeguards up in order to prevent anyone or anything from compromising you from giving your spirit exactly what it needs to thrive and flourish.
For some of you, you know this means letting go of your partner. For some of you, a toxic friend. For others, it’s really time to find a new career path, shift churches (LISTEN), to move to another location (even if that’s another state or country) or to totally reroute your daily routine — and you know this to be true because your spirit is currently feeling drained and/or bitter and/or resentful and/or confused and/or like you are losing a part of who you are just to keep “it” around.
Sis, it’s not worth it. Compromising yourself at the expense of it costing yourself never EVER is. If what I just said hit really close to home, you’ve still got a few hours to leave it all behind in time for a brand and spanking new year. It might not be easy yet do it anyway. Your spirit deserves it.
3. You’ve “Hit a/the Ceiling”
GiphyI ain’t got no lies to tell you — between the orange one in the White House and his uber-maniac ways and AI sinking its teeth deeper and deeper into so many different industries, I definitely think that 2026 is going to be a roller coaster ride for many people as far as the job market is concerned. So, while I am ABSOLUTELY NOT recommending that you flippantly, emotionally, or impulsively quit your job any time soon, I do think that you should ask yourself if you’ve “hit the ceiling” where you are, so that you can possibly plan to look for employment elsewhere or even pivot into something else entirely.
And what are some signs that you have indeed knocked your head up against said ceiling?
- You are bored as hell (or worse, miserable AF) at work
- There is no room for promotion
- Your boss couldn’t care less about your goals or ambitions
- You feel undervalued
- Your skills are underutilized
- There seems to be little to no improvement or progress within the company
- You haven’t received a raise in years
- You procrastinate because you don’t feel motivated or inspired
The fact that most of us spend the majority of our waking hours working, it makes not one bit of sense to be collecting a check at a place that is stressing you out, messing with your psyche and/or is causing you to feel like there’s not much more that life has to offer than, as they say, “paying bills and dying.” If that is what life is like for you right now, although you might not be able to quit this month, it is definitely time to put an exit strategy into place. You know, some say that a whopping 85 percent of people hate their job.
If you are one of them, let’s strive to have that no longer be the case in 2026.
4. There Is Little-to-No Reciprocity
GiphyI’m not a fan of transactional dating (check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.” and “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.”); anyone who knows me will tell you that. And when guys talk to me about how drained they feel by a woman who seems to only take and not give (for instance, someone just talked to me about how his girlfriend of three years gave him a $20 gift card; meanwhile, he purchased her seven different presents…and she actually makes more money than he does — SMDH), I will oftentimes say, “If there’s no reciprocity, she is a liability.” And I mean it with everything in me.
This goes beyond romantic situations too. Take a friend of mine who, when I tell you that, when it comes to painful situations, she absolutely sucks at being a good support system. I know this because, for the past few weeks, I’ve been telling her that she has a pattern of not showing up in hurtful times and that my patience is wearing thin because I am just the opposite.
She shared with me that she realizes that she doesn’t show up for herself in her own painful moments, and so when something really uncomfortable, trying, or taxing happens to someone else, she tends to retreat instead of reaching out.
In other ways, she’s solid, and so we are working through the matter — but I’ll tell you this: At this point in my life, when I share where I need reciprocit,y and folks don’t want to give it, I have no problem shifting how I prioritize them in my world. Because it makes no sense to call someone “friend” (or partner) and you’re doing most of the work to make that word…relevant.
Bottom line with this one is, if you’re not getting what you need from your relationships — ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP — it just might be time to leave certain people behind…now (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”)…so that you have room for who will be willing to show you what reciprocity in relationships looks and feels like.
5. You Feel “Stuck” in “It”
GiphyWhen it comes to the word “stuck,” the definition that I’m coming from here is “to become fastened, hindered, checked, or stationary by some obstruction” — and for the sake of time and space, what I want to amplify is the word “hinder.” One definition of hinder is “to cause delay, interruption, or difficulty in; hamper; impede,” while another is “to prevent from doing, acting, or happening; stop.”
Believe it or not, as a marriage life coach, there are actually clients who I have fired — and the reason was that they were wasting my time. Listen, when you get to the point in your life where you get that there is less time in front of you than behind you, you can’t really put a price tag on your precious moments, so when clients don’t do their homework and/or choose to remain in ridiculous situations (for years at a time) and/or really just want to be coddled instead of getting the tips and tools that they need to make wise decisions on their own — they cause me to feel “stuck” because they aren’t challenging me to be a better coach.
Progress in a client is what makes me better…and so, what I will typically do is put these types of people on probation for about 4-6 months and then release them if they remain in their hamster wheel of cyclic activity (after over a year of working with them).
This is an example of what “stuck” looks and feels like in my life; however, you need to figure out if and how that word may apply to your own. What I can tell you is anything that you know is interrupting or preventing you from doing what you know needs to happen in your world, whether it’s a person, place, thing or idea, you really need to ask yourself if it’s worth holding on to — and if you believe that it is, you definitely should realign your boundaries concerning it or then. Because again, life is too short (and precious) to be “stuck” in something that really isn’t serving you (or serving you any longer).
6. Your Present and Future Seem Super Foggy with It Around
GiphyWhat does this mean? Well, fogginess speaks to things being unclear, right? When it comes to your present, a lack of clarity can speak to feeling/being confused and confusion means that something is going on that either doesn’t make sense to us or is sending us all kinds of mixed messages and signals — and when you continue to dwell in that kind of space, there’s a pretty good chance that your future will be just as…foggy. Just as unclear. Just as confusing.
I’ll explain. Have you ever tried to drive in the fog? You typically can’t see very far ahead, which means that you kind of have to drag along in your car and, even with headlights, sometimes something can run out in front of you, catch you off guard and that can either make your nerves bad or cause you to wreck. Along these same lines, a “foggy situation” can do the same thing — you’ll be out here barely getting anything done because you’re so busy trying to figure out what the hell is going on with it or them…and that usually will cause a domino effect in other areas of your life too.
Sis, it’s not worth it. If you don’t get what’s going on in some area of your world, you’re missing information, you are being gaslit, and/or you are in denial about what is transpiring right before your very eyes. For all of this, purpose to get the answers (clarity) that you seek or leave it behind you.
As an author by the name of Shannon L. Alder once said, “The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” Somebody REALLY needed to hear that today. I hope that you did.
Just in time for another year, and the things that you can feel really good and CRYSTAL CLEAR about.
Welcome to 2026, my dear.
Featured image by Shutterstock
