When I was turning 30 last year, I thought I would want this big grandiose affair to usher in this new era. But instead, I opted for peace, I opted for quiet, I opted for an unofficial but official move to a new country and the overall unloading of things that no longer served the version of myself that I no longer was. On my actual birthday, I wasn't on someone's beach like I had imagined or turning up until the wee hours of the night, I was enjoying a meal with my love over wine in a city that I love and those two factors made it more affirming of an evening than I ever imagined. In a phrase, entering my 30s felt like coming home to myself. I reveled in awe at the confidence I felt wash over me in the way that women before me had raved it would be.
I didn’t sweat the small stuff, I started the long and winding road of learning boundaries, and I embraced a soft life that no longer saw wealth as success or my ultimate goal in life. In this new decade, I longed to plant seeds of a life where stress was something that came in sporadic visits instead of being a resident. I seek comfort, I aim for health, and I gravitate towards the simplicity of small things and leading a life well-lived. By terms and rules that are my own. Who I was in my 20s would surely stare at the woman I had become with such awe. Is that me? I am, indeed.
Though I am most definitely still finding my footing, I am enjoying what this season of life is teaching me and asking of me. And as a newly 30-year-old, I found myself wondering how other women’s 30s have shaped them so far. We asked four women to define their 20s and how the lessons they learned helped them evolve into who they are today as thirty-somethings.
xoNecole: What's one word you would use to describe your 20s?
Bianca Lambert: I'll have to use three in this case: a hot mess.
What is the single most significant lesson or takeaway that you took from that time in your life and how are you applying that to your 30s?
You know, what's funny about this question, in particular, is that I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I've stepped into my mid-30s. The most significant lesson I learned was that it's okay to make mistakes. I think what I got wrong in my 20s was thinking I was somehow supposed to have it all together post-college. I understand why I felt that way because of all of the pressures we have as Black women to not only the idyllic career, but we also have to layer our career successes with perfect long-term relationships, and soon after securing a man, now we're supposed to have kids and live happily ever after. That's just so unrealistic and, to be frank archaic and doesn't allow young women to actually figure out who we are in the same way men do.
I want to be clear that I'm not saying if you get married early in life, you're doing anything wrong. I just think I realized as I was turning 33 that there was so much more to life than the things people told me I should strive for, and I am grateful I've had this time to myself. In my 20s, I made some pretty drastic and life-changing mistakes that were the source of a lot of hurt and trauma. But that is life, and that's how I try to see things now. It's not about that thing that I messed up. It's about taking the time to process, work through it, and then move forward to the next part of my life. Life can be so beautiful even after things have gone off the rails.
Sometimes it takes a minute for us to really come to terms with lessons that we need to learn and grow from in life, was it a journey to learn that particular lesson?
You know, I felt like I was doing all of the growing and healing on my own. But the truth was I was compartmentalizing and moving on without letting myself really sit with and feel the pain of the things I'd experienced, and that turned into panic attacks that started when I was 32. It wasn't until I was 34 and we were all processing the pandemic that I realized I needed help. I couldn't even drive myself five minutes to the grocery store without feeling the onset of a panic attack hit me.
So, I sought out a therapist and have been talking to her once a week for almost two years. I think there are times when we can make room and space to look back on certain really big events in our life and say, "Okay, I learned x,y, and z from that." But, so much of the time, it's the little things that creep up on us, and for me, that has made it really difficult to allow people into my emotional bubble.
But, I can always be there for other people because it's easier for me to be there for them and not talk about how all of these things that have happened in my life have shaped who I am. So, I am always the "strong friend" or fixer. Therapy has opened me up and allowed me to see myself and my experiences in a new way. For the first time ever, instead of looking at my past as this thing I'm trying to forget, I use it as a way to inform me about how people and situations make me feel, which is vital to ensuring I allow good people in and allow myself to enjoy life without waiting on the other shoe to drop.
Are there any other lessons that speak to you when you think back to that time in your life?
I'm sure we all do this thing where we look back and cringe at what we did and said. I'd even have a habit of beating myself up about them, but now it's like I've grown, and if people want to continue to remember me the way I was, what feels like a million years ago, that's their stuff, not mine. We're all works in progress. We all have shit. And, giving people the same grace you'd like to receive is essential. And I strive to do that daily.
What was the biggest misconception that you had about your 20s and your 30s?
In my 20s, I really attached my worth to how other people saw me, including guys and dating. What a time that was. Yikes. When I hit 26 and was unmarried without prospects and a career I didn't love, I thought I was failing. When in fact, it was the exact opposite. I was experimenting with creating, entrepreneurship, and writing, and really diving into all of those interests—even though I was in debt up to my eyeballs—[and that is] why I have a career I love today. In my opinion, the 20s are meant for trying and failing a lot—not getting every step of your journey just right. And, I wish more people kept it real about the difficulties they face(d) during this very transitional time from young adulthood to the real world. It's challenging.
"In my opinion, the 20s are meant for trying and failing a lot—not getting every step of your journey just right. And, I wish more people kept it real about the difficulties they face(d) during this very transitional time from young adulthood to the real world. It's challenging."
When I'd hear people talk about their 30s, I'd be like, "Wow, that's so old." Now, I'm an oldie. Ha! I think that was my biggest misconception about my 30s. Like, welp, I'm 30. This is it. And the reality is life is just beginning. I didn't get settled in my career until I was 32. And I didn't get my first opportunity to work full-time in digital media until I was 30. If someone had told me I'd move to L.A. with zero dollars at 30 to be an intern —or what they called a resident—at BuzzFeed, I'd be like 'No, when I'm 30, I will be happily married with three kids, a fine ass husband that adores me, a thriving career, and a big house in some suburb.'
But, God's plan for me wasn't that. I embraced turning 30 and said yes to every opportunity. Being single, curious, and ambitious has worked out for me. Has my life been perfect? Absolutely not. But, if I compare my happiness from my 20s to my 30s, I am the happiest I've ever been at 35. The pressure to live up to everyone else's expectations of me is gone. I do what I want and what feels right for me.
What's a word or theme that you feel is defining your 30s so far?
Acceptance and happiness.
xoNecole: What's one word you would use to describe your 20s?
Monnie Drea: The word that I would use to describe my 20s is "impulse." Mostly every decision I made in my 20s was 20 percent logic and 80 percent impulse. If I felt unhappy in any situation, I would work to find something that felt "right" and put 100 percent into exploring that. That's how I ended up in L.A.
What is the single most significant lesson or takeaway that you took from that time in your life and how are you applying that to your 30s?
Forget the rules. Everyone has their "right way" to do things but just because it works for them doesn't mean it'll work for you. Create your own rules and live by them. As long as you maintain your morals everything will be fine.
Sometimes it takes a minute for us to come to terms with lessons that we need to learn and grow from in life, was it a journey to learn that particular lesson?
It was most definitely a journey. I spent a lot of time doing what my friends thought would make me successful. That's why is very important to choose your friends wisely and always have a mind of your own. It's okay to take suggestions but make sure the advice you're receiving applies to where you see yourself going. I got to a point where I was just so unhappy that I had no other choice but to bet on myself, and it worked out.
Are there any other lessons that speak to you when you think back to that time in your life?
Another lesson I've learned was to not be afraid of people. It was instilled in me to always be wary of people and their motives so, literally everyone that I was meeting would give me anxiety. I would consistently question what their motives were and it showed. Discernment is vital. Trusting your gut and not being afraid of getting it wrong would probably be my next toughest lesson.
What was the biggest misconception that you had of your 20s and your 30s?
The biggest misconception is, that you have to have everything together before you start working towards your dream. The reality is you'll never have everything together. I guarantee they'll always be something that you "need" to get started. Focus on using what you have already in your possession and start working today.
What's a word or theme that you feel is defining your 30s so far?
The word that best describes my 30s so far is individuality. I'm focused on learning exactly who I am and taking all the lessons I've learned in my 20s and applying them so that I can become the best version of myself.
xoNecole: What's one word you would use to describe your 20s?
Brittany Daniel: I would say adventurous. I did whatever I wanted to do. I mean that in the humblest way just taking risks and going after everything that I wanted in my 20s. I didn't have children. That's the biggest thing and that's one of the things I preach on my platform. I understand that social media is making motherhood look so glamorous and popular, but the freedom of not tying myself down at a young age to a person or another life was really why I was able to just really move freely and do what I wanted to do.
I think that's the biggest contributing factor because I did get pregnant at 21. Had I made the decision to have that child, I wouldn't have had the life that I ended up having in my 20s.
What is the single most significant lesson or takeaway that you took from that time in your life and how are you applying that to your 30s?
Save your money and delay gratification. Especially when...I’m not sure how old you are but when I was in my 20s, becoming a beauty guru was really popular so consumerism was really heightened in my mid-20s. I would have just delayed a lot of the spending that I did, [been] a lot smarter with my money, saving it when they told me to when I was young. When you're in your 20s, you feel like you have your whole life [to save], but being more financially responsible, fiscally responsible with my income... If I could do anything over again, that would be my biggest takeaway.
Sometimes it takes a minute for us to come to terms with lessons that we need to learn and grow from in life, was it a journey to learn that particular lesson?
I moved to New York and I moved to New York off of my GI bill. So, I had a steady income. I had to finesse it a little bit, but at least there was something coming in. Even though I wasn't working a job, I was able to intern and do certain things. I really had to go out there and grind and start over, that was my turning point. Not to say that I didn't know life was real before, but it really showed me that I was in charge of my destiny, and I take control of my life. I always knew I was in control of my life, but when I decided to leave something comfortable that I just really took charge of my life.
I guess the turning point was when I had mental health issues because I had never known a job could affect me in that way. I guess overall I didn't know that choosing the wrong career for the wrong reasons, that you can suffer for that. I think that the biggest turning point was just me hating life [at the time], having depression, and then deciding to do something about it.
Are there any other lessons that speak to you when you think back to that time in your life?
Chile, if I could go back and not date anybody I dated... What I try to teach young women [through my platform is] to focus as much on yourself as you can until you've reached a level where you feel like, 'Okay, this is the career that I want, I know who I am, and this is what I want out of life.' Then, I think it's time to incorporate somebody else and start building with that person. But if you try to incorporate somebody into your life and try to date while you're figuring it out, I feel it just causes distraction.
From my personal viewpoint, nothing came of it because I wasn't who I was yet. I didn't know who I was yet. If I could take that back and not waste a lot of time on dating or energy focusing on marriage before I figured out myself and figured out what I truly wanted for myself and what I wanted to do -- I think that's the biggest thing. Make sure you know who you are, what you want to do, and where you're going, and then incorporate somebody else into your life. But until then, just stay single, girl. Have fun.
What was the biggest misconception that you had of your 20s and your 30s?
The misconception for my 20s was that I would have it all figured out by now. [I would have] the biggest house with three children, a husband, a dog, and I'd be a marketing executive making millions of dollars. I think in your 20s, even though it's great to visualize the life you think you want, I think one thing that we don't stress enough with people is, 'What's the plan?' Your 20s are just figuring it out. You're just figuring out life. You don't know a lot. You're not supposed to have the answers. That doesn't happen for everybody. That didn't happen for me.
I think the biggest misconception in your 30s is that it's too late and you have to play catch up. So many people freak out before they're 30 that they are not married or they don't have children. One of the highest viewed videos on my YouTube channel is [talking about being] 30, single, no kids. A lot of women have anxiety approaching their 30th birthday and not having what they thought that they should have at that time.
We still have time in our 30s to figure out our partner when we want to. We have other options if that's what people want to do. You're still building in your 30s.
What's a word or theme that you feel is defining your 30s so far?
I would say sacrifice and discipline because I did a whole lot of partying and a whole lot of spending and a whole lot of living in my 20s. But now, I feel like my life is shifting into where it's really focused and it's like, I don't have time for a lot of the things that I would've entertained or done back then or the way I was spending money back then.
xoNecole: What's one word you would use to describe your 20s?
Darla Holmes: The one word I would use to describe my 20s is "discovery." I found myself constantly discovering, navigating, and learning a lot of the hard realizations about myself, the people around me, and why I made the decisions that I made. My 20s were a beautiful lifelong lesson of learning how to “fail forward” and a prerequisite to one of the most beautiful decades of life in my opinion that I call, The Thirty Journey.
What is the single most significant lesson or takeaway that you took from that time in your life and how are you applying that to your 30s?
One of the single most significant lessons from that time that I’m applying now in my 30s was learning the importance of discovering who I was as a woman and overall individual before navigating romantic and platonic relationships. It taught me about accepting yourself in every aspect. Your quirks, your uniqueness, and overall, what makes you, YOU. From that, I believe you attract those to you that align with your beliefs and bring out the best and hidden parts of you. It’s one of the most beautiful displays of self-love in my opinion.
Self-love for me goes beyond just fun spa days and pampering after a long day. Those things are great but learning who I was and being authentically me to attract the same is self-love in its purest form. Being authentically me has always given me a freedom that I can hardly put into words. It has always led me closer to those that feel like home. It also allowed me to attract partners who allowed me to be ME and repelled those who did not.
"Self-love for me goes beyond just fun spa days and pampering after a long day. Those things are great but learning who I was and being authentically me to attract the same is self-love in its purest form. Being authentically me has always given me a freedom that I can hardly put into words."
Sometimes it takes a minute for us to really come to terms with lessons that we need to learn and grow from in life, was it a journey to learn that particular lesson?
It was extremely hard considering I really didn’t start assessing this until my late 20s and didn’t commit to doing the actual work until my early 30s. There was definitely work being done during my 20s, just not consistently. The turning point came when I started to hone in on the spiritual aspect of my life and learn who I was through God’s eyes. It’s funny, I purchased my first bible as an adult at the age of 29 and didn’t open it and really focus on my relationship with my Creator until 31. The intention was always there, but the execution is what changed everything!
Are there any other lessons that speak to you when you think back to that time in your life?
One other lesson that speaks to me looking back is thinking you have so much time. I remember preparing to graduate from high school and my English teacher at the time said, “After leaving here, time is going to fly by for you all. Your 10-year high school reunion will be here before you know it.” I remember we were all like, “Ma’am, whatever.” That moment still sticks with me to this day because it was so true. I’m a firm believer that you can start over, fail forward, and begin again at any age, but applying the lessons learned and committing to something sooner rather than later is the catalyst for easier transitions and heightened awareness when navigating through life’s journeys.
What was the biggest misconception that you had of your 20s and your 30s?
The biggest misconception is that the pinnacle is your 20s. I heard a while back from a few people that “it gets greater, later.” And I wholeheartedly agree. To believe you must have it all figured out and done before 30 is added stress and premature wrinkles. My 30s so far have given me purpose, an amazing relationship with my Creator, visions for upcoming and future milestones, attained career goals, leaps of faith, domestic and international solo travel, love, a platform, and so much more.
Don’t believe the hype. Like I mentioned earlier, applying the lessons sooner rather than later is what makes for an easier transition through life’s ups and downs, but to believe that it’s all downhill after 29 is just crazy talk. I firmly believe those that believe that aren’t living or doing it right.
What's a word or theme that you feel is defining your 30s so far?
A purposeful faith and fulfilled journey. Purpose found me at the age of 32 and my platform The Thirty Journey allows me to share my experiences, life lessons, and journey through my 30s with all who choose to listen.
Featured image courtesy of Darla Holmes
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Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
___
Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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