Have you ever wanted to know if your man really loves you? I mean really, REALLY loves you. Have you ever found yourself asking: 'How will I know if he really loves me?' Well, I have some comforting news: you're in good company.
The truth of the matter is: so have I. So has my best friend, probably your best friend; so have many other women. And believe it or not, so has Whitney Houston. So much so, that she wrote a whole song about it. And it's in that vein that I'll let you in on a little hard truth: we won't ever know. Our feelings can be misleading, our blinding love can be deceitful. We can say a prayer with every heartbeat but the fact of the matter is until that man backs up with actions what he says with his lips, women will never (and I mean never) know if a man really loves them. Or if they're even ready to love in the first place.
Courtesy of OWN
But, fortunately, all hope is not lost. Our favorite love show where black people get to meet and potentially find love in a hopeless place (known as Atlanta) is back for another season! The series, produced by Will Packer and hosted by Thomas "Nephew Tommy" Miles, has a new roster of highly sought after singles and has once again solidified a spot in our Saturday nights.
I got the chance recently to talk with 9 bachelors from the second season of the OWN Network show Ready to Love (airing Saturdays at 10/9c), where they let me in on their thoughts about love, commitment, and everything else in between and they did not disappoint.
Here's what they had to say:
On the concept of courtship...
"Courtship is primarily on the man, however, I feel as if some women nowadays demand courtship and aren't worthy of courtship. And by that, I mean this: just because you're a woman, it doesn't mean you possess the qualities that a man is looking for in the 'woman for him.'''
On finding a compatible partner at this stage...
"Finding a partner at this particular stage in my life is easier for me. I know what I want, what I'm willing to tolerate, I'm financially stable, very aware of the red flags. I still leave room for mistakes or for things taken out of context. But I also know who I am and what I bring to OUR table."
On the things to know from the first date...
"Some things I'd like to know on the first date: are you separated or divorced? Where do you see yourself in two years? How ambitious are you? Do you have kids or do you want kids? Do you have a job or a career? On a scale of 1-10, how supportive are you—1 being horrible and 10 being superb."
On catering to the needs of your partner...
"I had the pleasure of growing up with sisters older and younger, with me as a middle child. I am very emotionally aware when it comes to expressing my needs but it becomes an awesome challenge to wake up and think, 'What can be done to add to my partner's happiness?'''
On how to revive courtship...
"The microwave mentality of dating has to change. Courtship is a true art of showing your partner creative romantic ways of how special they are. Courtship ultimately is a preview of what is to come, which is marriage."
On evolving to meet the needs of your partner...
"When in a committed relationship, I no longer live for myself but [for] us. Living for us will create change of old habits and create new ones. Selflessness is evolving one's mindset."
On how his outlook on love has changed...
"I make better choices on who I decide to spend my time with. I secretly place them in top picks and bottom picks. A woman who I get to know will move to bottom pick in the event we just aren't vibing. I also spend more time on the phone now with who I really vibe with because I feel like a woman really doesn't vibe with you unless she gives you phone time. That texting mess is all smoke and mirrors."
On making your partner feel loved in a new relationship...
"I think public displays of affection are necessary when it's someone you really like. Holding hands, dancing together, and occasional kissing is dope. It usually makes her feel special."
On what the last relationship taught him...
"I've learned to love myself more, love taking care of me first, and that peace of mind starts with self-care."
On how to impress a woman on the first date...
"I would advise not trying to impress a potential mate. Be yourself and take them to a place you enjoy or ask them what they enjoy doing!"
On making your partner feel secure in a new relationship...
"No one can make anyone feel any way at all. True happiness and love come from within. I would advise being secure with and loving yourself before dating anyone!"
On his love languages...
"My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch."
On what he looks for on the first date...
"Good vibes, energy, and chemistry."
On being vulnerable with your partner...
"I'm ready to get outside my comfort zone."
On what his love languages are...
"My love language is quality time."
On being vulnerable with your partner...
"Vulnerability for me happens when I feel I can trust someone who I [feel] genuinely cares about me as a person and future mate."
On what’s missing in today’s conversation of courtship...
"Belief systems, sharing clear expectations and boundaries, timelines, and shared goals for the relationship."
On what will sustain a relationship...
"It is the compatibility piece that sustains the relationship. I realize how easy it is to have quick surface connections with people who also have connections with other people as well."
On being emotionally aware with your partner...
"I am very in-tune when it comes to catering to my partner. Communication is key when it comes to being open to their needs as well expressing my own. Closed mouths don't get fed."
On his love languages...
"My love language is acts of service."
On changing for love’s sake…
"Changing traits about myself will most definitely depend on who I'm changing those traits for and if I care to change those traits."
On positive indicators on the first date...
"What I look out for is for her to not be so serious. I don't want our date to feel like it's an interview. Let's laugh a little bit let's joke some, I'm sure we'll get to the serious conversation when we were talking on the phone."
On what he’s learned from his last relationship...
"I learned how to not be so closed-off. I need to open up more when it comes to talking instead of walking away all the time."
On where to take a woman on the first date...
"I want to do what's going to make her happy, so I would ask her what's her favorite restaurant and start there."
On what he looks for before committing...
"I look for a woman who makes it easy to trust her. She's open and honest about her past and her shortcomings. I also like a woman that's thoughtful and doesn't mind showing you how important you are to her life."
On the indicators of a compatible partner...
"I can't be with anyone who doesn't have a spiritual foundation or who doesn't believe in the economic empowerment of Black people in America."
On what to do to get to know a woman on the first date...
"I like taking a woman to the gym and putting her through one of my workouts. I want to see her effort, her drive, or if she'll complain or persevere. I'm big on fitness and a woman that can keep up with me and pushes past her own limitations is definitely a turn-on."
Be sure to catch Ready to Love every Saturday at 10/9c. And if you haven't already, watch the first full episode here.
Featured image courtesy of Instagram/@sellyourhomejimmyjones.
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You know, it is Mark Twain who once said something that I’m pretty sure you’ve heard before — “The two most important days in life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” He’s right because there is something that is super empowering and self-validating about tapping into “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” (one definition of purpose and in this case the “something” would be yourself) and then coming up with “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal” (another definition of purpose) as it relates to it all.
You can do this so much easier once you’ve got people who fit your purpose inside of your world. So, let’s take a few moments to dig into what all of that involves so that you can waste less time trying to “make people fit” who probably were never really supposed to begin with (at least not intimately). You ready?
What Exactly IS Your Purpose?
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A hill that I am forever willing to die on is the fact that the reason why a lot of people find themselves getting involved in fruitless relationships and/or wasting their time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and “Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”) on various people, places, things, and ideas is because they aren’t clear on what their purpose is. Because listen, I can tell you from very up close and personal experience that once you’re aware of what your purpose is in this life, there is a fire that develops within you that makes you very intentional — violent even — about pursuing who and what will help you to fulfill your purpose as you release who and what is standing in the way of making that happen.
So, why do so many people seem to do the very opposite of what I just said — why do they hold onto who and what is hindering their purpose development which causes them to not focus on who and what will help them to thrive? For many, it’s because they have no clue what their purpose actually is in the first place.
So yeah, let’s start there. Something that I tell people often is, a great sign that you know what your purpose is, is if you can explain it or define it in no more than three words or phrases. Take me, for example. Whenever folks ask me what my purpose is, I say, right off the rip — marriage, sex, and the Sabbath (the actual biblical one). What they all have in common is they are biblical covenant principles and most of my life centers around shedding light on those areas in ways that many people never stop to consider.
It's a long story, how I got to this place. What I will tell you is some of the confirmations include the fact that opportunities abound for me in those areas, I have a lot of peace whenever I’m functioning from those spaces and my needs have always been met when I focus on those three topics. And yes, those are some telling signs that you are indeed operating in your purpose.
And what if you’re still out here struggling to figure out just what you were created to do? Although that’s kind of an article all on its own, I will offer up a few tips.
Do some meditating every morning. The reason why a lot of people have a hard time figuring out their purpose is, is because their mind is constantly distracted. Getting quiet enough to present the question, “What is my purpose?” while being still enough to hear what comes to your spirit/soul is a viable practice. Ten minutes a day should start to shed some light after a couple of weeks or so (if you consistently do it, that is).
Ponder your passions, gifts and talents. Even before I was making money from my purpose, I could talk about marriage, sex, and the Sabbath all day long and never get tired. When I paired that with the fact that I have a gift of writing and then I tapped into my spiritual gifts (if you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before, you can here) which include things like wisdom, discernment, knowledge, and giving — it all made sense. Far too often, our gifts and talents aren’t our purposes; they are tools to help us manifest our purpose. Keeping that in mind, think about where your passion lies and if you are using your own gifts and talents to catapult it.
Far too often, our gifts and talents aren’t our purposes; they are tools to help us manifest our purpose.
Jot down how your purpose would serve others. Even a lot of celebrities are not in their purpose. How do I know? Well, one definition of entertainment is “to distract” (no joke) and if folks are out here only doing what benefits them and/or they’re doing what makes the world worse instead of better, they are not operating in their purpose. So yeah, think about what too. As you’re trying to figure out what your purpose is, what about your passion can help others in a very needed, profound, and even somewhat unique kind of way?
Ask yourself what you would put before all else. I’ll get into this point, as it relates to my personal journey, in a sec. For now, I’ll say that when I was writing my first book, I had family members who refused to speak to me for months (how selfish). I was younger at the time and had not mastered how to release toxic people from my space (even if they are in my bloodline), so it was a bit uncomfortable at first to tune out the toxicity and narcissism and finish the task at hand. Oh, but I did.
That said, one definition of sacrifice is “a surrender of something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable or of preventing some evil.” When you’re willing to make great sacrifices, come what may, for the sake of something, that’s a good sign that it’s either your purpose or directly tied to it.
Figure out what brings you joy. Did you see how I said JOY, not happiness? Let me tell it, folks are out here making all kinds of self-centered and/or reckless and/or impulsive decisions because they worship the god of happiness — a fleeting emotion that tends to go as quickly as it comes. Joy is a bit different, though. Although it does bring pleasure, it also creates satisfaction. People with joy feel a sense of contentment not momentary elation. Whatever in your life does that for you, your purpose is probably not too far away from it.
Like I said, finding one’s purpose has articles, blogs, and books for days available (the late and great Dr. Myles Munroe was an awesome voice on the topic). Hopefully, these five points can help to at least initiate the quest, though.
What You Owe Your Purpose
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What do you owe your purpose? In short, EVERYTHING. How could you not when, again, one definition of the word is “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” If you are not doing what you were made to do, not only is that the greatest slap in the face to your Creator, it’s the greatest form of disrespect to oneself as well.
That is why I am very…“aggressive” is probably the most accurate word when it comes to making sure that folks get with the kind of life partner who they not only “love” but will serve as an awesome purpose complement (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”) for them. Because what sense does it make to join your life to someone who will make the entire reason for why you were put on this planet complicated at best, totally stress-filled at worst?
Case in point. There’s a man I know who was once a sound engineer. While he was dating his wife, she was fine with it. Once they got married, though, because she had kids from another relationship, she felt that he should make more money to take care of her “package deal.” He went into computers, made more money — and totally started hating his life. Because of that, it made him miserable which made him not as fun to be around which put another kind of pressure on the marriage and ultimately the family as a whole. They’re divorced now and he has told me that one thing he will never do again is put a relationship before his purpose. Good. He shouldn’t. No one should.
And here’s the thing — the right people will never expect you to. It won’t even cross their mind. How do I know? I’m actually thrilled to say that about 90 percent of my world is full of purpose-driven individuals. They are focused. They are intentional. They are extremely careful with their time and resources. And that requires that I make adjustments so that they can remain that way. This means that they must also do the same things for me.
We all know that if we don’t honor our purpose, we’re selling ourselves short and so, it’s one thing that is a non-negotiable. That’s how purpose-minded people roll. Period.
How the Right People Will Fit into Your Purpose. How the Wrong Ones…Won’t.
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I’ve got a girlfriend right now who is going through a divorce. One of the main things that caused so much brokenness in her marital dynamic is her husband doesn’t respect her purpose. He complains about it. He competes with it. He finds ways to make the sacrifices that are required for her to fulfill her purpose a guilt trip that is hard for her to shrug off because he presents them as little “love tests” (ugh).
So, why did she marry him? Well, initially, she was on a bit of a hiatus from her purpose which caused him to see it as more like a hobby than anything else. Now that she’s in a resurgence of it, he puts up more roadblocks (like trying to make her feel bad when she has to travel when they have kids) than anything else. He’s not an advocate or ally when it comes to her purpose — whether he realizes it or not, he’s actually a direct enemy of it. Yes, some people are indeed “sleeping with the enemy” (whether it's figuratively or literally) and it’s all because they didn’t choose someone who would “fit their purpose” — and that is why topics like this one need to be discussed more often. Far more often.
In the hopes that you can avoid some of the pain and disappointment that she’s going through, whether it’s with a life partner, a friend, or a relative, let’s hit on 7 signs that someone does indeed fit your purpose:
- They will be cheerleaders of your goals and accomplishments
- They will seek ways to make purpose manifestation easier for/on you
- They will understand that sometimes they will have to make sacrifices within the relationship so that you can fulfill your purpose
- They will get that they don’t always have to “get it” when it comes to certain things that you need to do when it comes to your purpose
- They will have connections, talents, and resources that oftentimes can help you to go further within your purpose (and they won’t withhold them and weaponize them)
- They will be encouragers in the moments when even you are struggling in manifesting your purpose
- They will be flexible in adjusting to your growth and setbacks when it comes to you fulfilling your purpose
With all of this in tow, now let’s look at 10 clear indications that someone DOES NOT fit your purpose:
- They are vessels of drama and stress which ultimately distract you from your purpose
- They are only supportive when they can find a way to benefit from your purpose
- They might send off vibes of jealousy and/or envy about you and/or your purpose (check out “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You”)
- They may act like you have to justify or defend YOUR PURPOSE to them (check out “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?”)
- They might find ways to “punish you” for either fulfilling your purpose or not approaching it in the way that they would and/or they agree with (whew, chile)
- Since another definition of purpose is “a desired aim or goal,” they always seem to make it more difficult for you to accomplish what needs to be done as it directly relates to your purpose
- Whether directly or indirectly, they will have no problem draining you of the resources that you need in order to fulfill your purpose (keep this in mind when it comes to selecting a spouse; a true partner will not break you just for their comfort and convenience…wife or husband)
- They don’t respect the boundaries — including the ones that are connected to your time — as it relates to achieving your purpose
- They will constantly make you feel like you have to prove something when it comes to your purpose
- THEY DON’T RESPECT OR FULLY ACCEPT YOUR PURPOSE (and yes, I am yelling it!)
When you’re not purpose-driven, things like this may be annoying but not necessarily unbearable. Oh, but when you are committed to fulfilling your purpose in life — folks who fit into Category B, they’ve gotta go. The time that you’re spending (or is it wasting?) trying to get them to respect you and your purpose is the time that you could be spending cultivating your purpose…and I’m here to tell you that the second option is always going to be the wiser choice. ALWAYS.
Why It’s Okay to Release Those Who Don’t Complement Your Purpose
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I honestly can’t believe that it’s been almost five years since I penned the piece, “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead” for the site — and boy, when I tell you that it’s a life motto that has brought me some joy unspeakable? Listen. Here.
If you want the CliffsNotes from the article, it’s basically talking about the fact that for many years now, I no longer choose to not send myself through the violent ritual of cutting people off. The reason why I say “violent” is because cutting anything sounds that way and when you cut folks off, that’s often rooted in some kind of pain that makes people feel empowered to think that they are hurting others by literally cutting them out of your life. Instead, I now release — I move out of the way and allow the universe to do whatever needs to be done…with them and with the relationship, in part so that I can put my focus on myself and why I was put on this earth.
Because here’s the thing, y’all — whenever I hear the Chinese Proverb, “It’s later than you think,” it sends chills down my spine because it’s the absolute truth. And how sad would it be for me to be out here pining over, worrying about, trying to convince someone either about what my purpose is or why I need them to support it when I could, instead, be out here actually LIVING it? Not only living it but clearing the path for the right individuals, folks who will be more than willing, to help me fulfill my purpose in a peaceful, constant, and nurturing kind of way.
This here was a lot. Trust me, I know. Yet this is an important life lesson — please don’t waste, not one more day, avoiding it. Relationships are important yet NO RELATIONSHIP is worth putting before manifesting your purpose.
Whoever does, salute them.
Whoever doesn’t, release them, even if that means shifting your boundaries.
It will be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make.
Purpose-driven ones ALWAYS are, sis. #standingfirm
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