

There really is no telling, just how many times I have included the Aristotle quote, “The excess of a virtue is a vice” in my content on this platform. Aside from the fact that it’s one of my all-time favorites, the other reason why I use it is, so often, especially when I read about trends that are happening on social media, it applies — because damn. If there is one thing that social media is an expert at, it’s doing everything in excess instead of taking information and figuring out how to find a balance to and for it.
And with that said, in walks what is known as sleepmaxxing. Since it’s been reported that approximately 1 in 3 people say that they don’t get enough sleep on a consistent basis, I do my best to provide tips on how to get the kind of sound rest that we all need (check out “12 Monthly Sleep Habits To Transform Your Rest In 2025,” “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier” and “Can't Sleep? These Warm Drinks Will Give You Much Needed Z-Z-Z's”). However, after I did some research into what sleepmaxxing is all about — well, I’ll just say that it’s got its benefits and also its reasons for you to not simply take it at face value.
If you stick around, I’ll explain how you can make sleepmaxxing work for you — so long as you apply some serious moderation to its method and approach.
You May Have Heard of Sleepmaxxing Before. What Exactly Is It, Tho?
Sleeping to the max. At the risk of sounding very 80s and valley girl’ish, that’s probably the easiest way to break down what sleepmaxxing is because what it’s all about is finding the kind of sleep hacks that will make it easier for you to fall asleep, stay asleep and experience an awesome quality of sleep in the process.
Sounds pretty amazing, right? On the surface, I would agree. I mean, like I said in the intro, I’m all about finding, sharing and even applying a good sleep hack, chile. Problem is, when it comes to sleepmaxxing, some people are becoming obsessed to the point where they are either applying too many hacks at one time (which is where the Aristotle quote fits in quite nicely) or they are engaging in something that just might be your something new for the day: orthosomnia. And what exactly does that entail?
Orthosomnia is what happens when someone becomes so consumed with their sleep habits and patterns that they end up bringing some sort of tracker into the mix in order to keep up with recorded data when it comes to how they sleep. And although it’s not considered to technically be a type of sleep disorder (at least, not yet), it is something that medical professionals are keeping a tab on because many people are having their sleep — and ultimately the state of their health — disrupted because of it.
And if someone can become close-to-obsessed about a sleep tracker app, it’s pretty feasible that the same thing could happen with sleep hacks, in general — especially since some medical professionals believe that certain sleep hacks are more like a crap shoot than anything else. Ones like what? Well, I recently read a TIME article on the topic (here) and it said that while sleeping in a cool(er) and dark room, wearing a sleep mask, and reducing your screen time before turning in all get the thumbs up, consuming certain foods or drinks, showering before bedtime and incorporating certain (white) noise machines still need a bit more looking into.
I guess, chile. As someone who takes her own quality of rest pretty damn seriously, I think that even the “iffy” hacks should be tested out — just probably not all at once. I also think that you shouldn’t simply apply what everyone else is doing just because they are doing it; instead, think about what your personal sleep needs and goals are, incorporate tips that complement those, go through a process of elimination (as far as what is truly effective for you) — and voila! No “sleepmaxxing” per se, just a sleep routine that you can feel really good about.
7 Effective Ways to Get Some Quality Sleep
While I was reading another article on sleepmaxxing, I must admit that I rolled my eyes when I saw tips like taping your mouth shut (that doesn’t even sound safe, to be honest), damn near overdosing (not really but…) on kiwi and wearing blue light glasses. However, those things did remind me that there are some sleep-related tips that I can personally vouch for — ones that you can easily incorporate, are not overwhelming and actually make a good amount of sense.
1. Choose a pillow that complements your sleep position(s). I’ve got an ex who once told me that, as a father, he’s come to the conclusion that there is no need to spank a child — all you’ve got to do is take their pillow away (“They will be miserable, tossing and turning all night long.”). I’ve thought about the nights when my pillows weren’t feeling the most comfortable and he ain’t neva lied! That’s why my first recommendation would be to get a pillow that best suits you, especially when it comes to your favored sleep position(s). You can read more about how to figure out which one to select here and here.
2. Do not eat or exercise less than two hours before bedtime. Something that I had to stop doing? Eating right before bedtime. My body needs to rest and, making my digestive system go into overdrive while I am trying to sleep — that ain’t the move. That said, although it kind of depends on what you eat (more on that here), it’s a good rule of practice to stop consuming foods about two hours before turning in. The same pretty much goes for exercising as well (more on that here) — although things like yoga can sometimes prove to be helpful.
3. Sip on some Korean banana milk.Bananas contain magnesium and that’s a nutrient that helps to relax your nervous system. Milk has tryptophan and melatonin in it — both of which are bona fide sleep agents. If you combine these two things together, there’s a good chance that they might have you in a deep state of sleep all night long. That said, a way to blend the two together is to make some of your own Korean banana milk. You can try out this recipe here (P.S. If you want to try a milk alternative, almond milk has tryptophan in it and hemp milk is packed with melatonin). Thank me later.
4. Get into some scented silk sheets.What you sleep on/in definitely plays its part in all of this. My recommendation, especially during the warmer months, is to go with some silk sheets. They’re comfortable. They’re hypoallergenic. They’re a breathable fabric. They don’t wrinkle easily. They help your hair and skin to retain moisture, and they also are a “natural insulator” which means that they can help to keep your body cool in the spring and summer and warm in the fall and winter. And if you sprinkle an essential on them that promotes rest — like lavender, cedarwood, chamomile, bergamot, or marjoram — you will relish each and every moment that you are rolling around, blissfully so, in that bedding of yours.
5. Use your blue-blocking options. It’s been said a billion times in dozens of different ways that the blue light that comes off of your screens isn’t good for your sleep patterns. So, if you’re someone who has the habit of checking your phone right before and/or after a bathroom run in the middle of the night, consider using your blue-blocking phone options. Apple users typically have a Night Shift setting on their phones while Android users have a Night Light one. You can read how to find them and utilize them here.
6. Journal three things before turning in. While on the surface, it might seem like journaling before bedtime is simply signing up to do more work, plenty of intel says that it can be quite beneficial; that’s because you can get some things off of your chest and/or organize your thoughts and/or think about how you would like the following day to go — and all of these things can help to de-stress you. My two cents would be to consider journaling about three things, at least a few times a week: something that you learned for the day, something that you are grateful for as far as the day is concerned, and something that you’re proud of as you come to the end of the day. It’s pretty hard to not have a restful mind if you “shut it down” for the night on these notes.
7. Rub some CBD oil on your feet. And finally, CBD oil. Although this “hack” definitely has the Aristotle quote written all over it, so long as you don’t apply huge doses, CBD can be of great assistance as far as your sleep quality is concerned. One way is by massaging the soles of your feet with CBD oil. The massage alone will help to relax you and the oil can bring relief to bodily pain and help to improve your quality of sleep.
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Sleepmaxxing. Eh. The thing about trends is they tend to come and go. Now that you know what it’s all about, though, if one of the hacks that you see interests you, try it. More than anything, to me, sleepmaxxing is just a reminder to not be passive about getting the kind of rest that you deserve.
And if that requires implementing a few tips to get it…so be it, sis.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Once upon a time, I knew a married couple who told me that they wouldn’t even discuss with each other who they found to be attractive on television because, in their minds, that was a form of cheating. They’re divorced now, and although there are a series of reasons why, it was always strange to me that things were so restrictive within their relationship that they couldn’t even share a fleeting thought about how someone looked.
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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