When you’ve been working for couples for as long as I have, it gets to a point where nothing throws you; this includes when a relatively new client of mine approached me with a particular internalized dilemma: “Shellie, my man and I decided to wait until we got engaged to have sex, and he proposed last week. Because we were focused on not having sex, he didn’t tell me until a few months ago that he was uncircumcised. I love him, but I’ve never been with a man who has a ‘turtleneck’ before, and it’s kind of creeping me out.”
Hmph. Let me start by saying this: You can read articles like “Guess What? Guys Get 'Morning Wood' While Women Get 'Morning Bean.'” to learn just how much penises and clitorises have in common while making the time to look at your own vagina and vulva can also serve as a great PSA that no two vaginas (or vulvas) are exactly alike.
My point? I don’t know how many times I’ve said in somebody’s article, somewhere, that a lot of what (some) people think about uncircumcised men comes from nothing more than sheer ignorance and/or programming more than anything else. Lawd, there are so many myths about uncut penises that, once my client said what she did, I felt that it was well past time to address some of the misconceptions on a larger platform — so that if you happen to find yourself with an uncircumcised man, you can know, factually, just what you are getting yourself into. Once and for all.
Are you ready to learn instead of assume? Excellent. It’s time.
The Biblical Reason Behind Circumcision in the United States
GiphyI once read that a study stated that a little over 80 percent of males within the United States are circumcised. Since the most popular religion within this country continues to be Christianity, I’m pretty sure that the two things are linked.
The reason why I say that is because, clearly all male babies are born uncircumcised. However, there is a story in the Bible that speaks to when circumcision became “a thing”. If you read Genesis 17, it addresses when Abraham was instructed to remove the foreskin of both of his sons (Isaac and Ishmael) as a sign of making a covenant with God. So yeah, there’s a huge chance that among Jews and Christians (because there were no Christians in the Old Testament; some of y’all will catch that later), circumcision is probably more of more religion-based than anything else (it’s also big in the Muslim faith…some connect those dots to Ishmael; that’s too much to break down within this article, though).
Anyway, I thought it was important to put that on record, so that, out the gate, you can grasp some of the “origin story” of why you may know of more men who are circumcised than not; that it didn’t just come out of nowhere. Ask a guy to ask his parents why they did it if you don’t believe me.
With the foundation laid, let’s get to dispelling seven really popular myths about uncircumcised/uncut men.
1. Uncut Men’s Penises Look Drastically Different
GiphySince the appearance of an uncircumcised penis is what tends to get discussed (oftentimes ignorantly so) the most, let’s start there. When a man has been circumcised, his foreskin has been removed so that the head of his penis (which is technically known as the glans) is constantly showing. On the other hand, when a man is uncircumcised, the foreskin remains which means that “his head” is covered up when it is not erect and only is fully seen during an erection (an illustration of both an uncircumcised and circumcised penis is located here if you’re curious).
So yes, although an uncircumcised penis looks different when it’s not erect, there’s not much difference between it and a circumcised penis when it is.
2. Uncut Men Are Unclean
GiphyAnother misconception about uncircumcised men is that they are “dirtier” than circumcised men are. That’s because, if you’ve ever heard of the word “smegma,” it’s probably only been in the context of an uncut man — and that is unfortunate. The reason why I say that is because smegma is simply a build-up of skin cells, oils and natural moisture that can occur without consistent hygiene practices. Know what else? Women as well as men can have it.
The cheesy-like substance is something that uncircumcised men have to be hyperaware of due to the fact that smegma can get trapped in their foreskin; however, the same can happen to a woman’s clitoral hood — and when’s the last time you’ve cleaned yours out (check out “7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood”)? Definitely something to think about.
3. Uncut Men Have “Softer” Erections
GiphyI remember a woman once telling me that she didn’t enjoy the sex that she had with the only uncircumcised man that she had ever been with because his erections felt softer than circumcised men’s did. Something about that didn’t sound right and so I polled some guys who had shared with me that they were uncircumcised before. What they unanimously agreed on is that man wasn’t completely turned on, for whatever the reason, because their erections are plenty hard (thank you very much) — and a couple of them even had partners who were willing to cosign on that.
Again, once a man is fully erect, the foreskin stretches back, so being uncut has nothing to do with the quality of an erection — especially to the person who is on the “receiving” side of one.
4. Uncut Men Have More Fertility Struggles
GiphyRemember what I mentioned about hygiene earlier? To be fair, if an uncircumcised man is not properly and consistently cleaning himself, that does increase his chances of contracting an STI/STD — however, I would think that would go without saying for hygiene across the board. So, if you heard somewhere that uncut men have a higher rate of fertility issues, that absolutely is not true.
Getting an infection from not practicing safe sex or cleansing thoroughly is the challenge. And again, that isn’t “uncut specific” (although, it should go on record that there is a slightly higher chance that you can get a UTI from an uncircumcised partner, again, if there is that type of bacteria that hasn’t been removed from his foreskin).
5. Uncut Men Don’t Enjoy Sex As Much
GiphySkin has nerve endings, foreskin included. And that’s why, it makes all of the sense in the world that it’s been reported that uncircumcised men tend to experience more intense sexual pleasure and orgasms than men who aren’t circumcised. The thought process is since they have extra nerves that “cut men” don’t, that causes their penis to feel more sensitive to arousal which makes climaxing feel somewhat noticeably more potent as well.
6. Sex with an Uncut Man Requires Lubricant
GiphyIf being with an uncircumcised man has you wondering if you need to use extra lubricant, you might be surprised to know that cut men produce slightly less lubrication than uncut ones do; however, when it comes to sex, the ultimate answer is up to one’s personal preference, not the state of a guy’s anatomy. In fact, as far as physical intimacy goes, most of the moisture comes from a woman’s body anyway, so if you want things to be wetter, that would be up to what your body is telling you and/or what you personally desire.
7. Sex Is Better with a Circumcised Man
GiphyOf course, I had to save the best for last. And actually, it’s something that I’ve mentioned in other articles — you ready? Contrary to popular belief (and oftentimes ignorant assumption), many women find sex with an uncircumcised man to be better — well, let me be more specific: they find it easier to have (more) consistent orgasms with them than they do with circumcised men.
A part of the reason is because the extra skin reduces the kind of friction during intercourse that can lead to discomfort. Also, the extra skin around the head of the penis can make it easier to stimulate the vaginal opening (and the nerve endings around it) which can lead to more vaginal orgasms.
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Listen, just like I’m going to forever say that thinking you need a man with a big penis comes from programming (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”), the same point basically applies to believing that sex is best with a circumcised man.
If you’d prefer it for religious reasons, I get that. Just always remember that so long as you have a clitoral hood, technically, you are uncircumcised yourself (hmm…) and, beyond religion, there is nothing wrong with an uncircumcised man — all men came into the world that way, after all.
And as you just read, some solid and proven perks come from that very fact. #justsaying
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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