Orgasms are climaxes and climaxes are the ultimate. So, hell yeah, I'm gonna write about them, just as much as I possibly can (for example, check out "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently", "10 Weird & Random Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm" and "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?"). Today, what we're gonna explore is the kind of orgasms that you can have that don't get nearly as much attention as they probably deserve. What I personally think is so cool about them is they are a clear reminder that there simply isn't just one way to cum and if you're open to discovering some other avenues, you might be able to see the mountaintop—you know, so to speak—a whole lot more often than you currently do. And who doesn't want to do that? Let's check out six "uncommon" orgasms, shall we?
1. How to Have a U-Spot Orgasm
So, what in the world is a U-spot orgasm? It's all about stimulating your urethra which is about gently touching the area that's around and above the opening of your urethra. If you're looking like, "Uh, OK but where exactly is my urethra?", it's an internal part of our body (a tube) that is located between your clitoris and vaginal opening.
Externally, the opening of your urethra is underneath your clitoris and above your vagina. It's literally the hole that you pee out of. When this tiny area is very lightly caressed with a finger or tongue—listen, there are absolutely no words to adequately describe how sensational it feels. There really aren't.
2. How to Have an A-Spot Orgasm
OK. This is the kind of orgasm that I already know some of you are gonna wanna throw one of your shoes at the monitor about because it's like a calculus-level one. However, since I can't think of too many things that are more fun than trying to achieve the Big O, it had to go on the list. An A-spot orgasm is what happens when the tissue that is located at the end of your vaginal canal, between your cervix and bladder is stimulated.
The way you find this lil' spot is you or your partner moves your finger about two inches deeper past your G-spot and—there it is. How do you know if you've reached it? Well, remember how the G-spot feels like a tiny walnut? Well, the A-spot feels really soft and spongy. If a finger moves along it gently in the motion of how a windshield wiper moves, you can end up with an orgasm that will blow your mind in every way.
3. How to Have a Kissing Orgasm
A part of the reason why I wrote the article, "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?" for this platform is because I enjoy kissing so much that those kinds of people seemed like polka-dotted unicorns to me. I'm serious—kissing is so pleasurable to me that I've even had an orgasm from doing it, a few times, before. TMI? IDC. IDC. If I had my way, everyone on this planet would experience at least one before leaving this earth!
While there is no real instruction when it comes to this particular kind of orgasm (which is also known as an oral orgasm), what most people who've had one will say is 1) it's easy to achieve with someone you have a strong emotional connection with; 2) it involves slow, intense and erotic kisses, and 3) the "goal" shouldn't be to have one. All you need to keep in the back of your mind is, if kissing happens long enough and the mood is just right (atmosphere means a lot with these orgasms too), a kissing orgasm can transpire when you least expect it. (I can certainly vouch for that!)
4. How to Have a Nipple Orgasm
A nipple orgasm is pretty self-explanatory. The reason why this is on the list is because, while it can be difficult for many women to have a vaginal orgasm (roughly only 25 percent of women do), if your breasts are a huge erogenous zone for you, this is one that you may want to try because it is very possible to climax, just from nipple stimulation alone. The way to achieve one of these is to deep breathe, slowly, as your partner first strokes your areolas (the dark part of your breast that is around your nipple), then works up to your nipples by stroking and then very gently pinches them. If he alternates the sensation of pinching and kissing them as you focus on your breathing, there is a really big chance that you'll have a nipple orgasm. Maybe even a few of 'em.
5. How to Have a Fantasy Orgasm
They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ there is and I would have to absolutely agree. Case in point—there is one guy who I used to sleep with who I semi-recently ran into. When he winked at me, I literally thought I was gonna throw up in my mouth. That's how disgusting he is to me—now. That's why it doesn't surprise me at all that there is something known as a fantasy orgasm which is also known as a mental orgasm. So, what is that? It's when you are able to climax, strictly from your own thoughts. If you're skeptical about this one, there is scientific evidence which reveals that thinking "dirty" thoughts actually causes your brain to light up in the same way as having your genitals stimulated. So, how can you refute having this type of orgasm unless you try it out first? (Get to fantasizing and definitely report back!)
6. How to Have a Hands-Free Orgasm
If any of these orgasms are a real challenge (at least to me), this one would probably top the list. A hands-free orgasm? It's exactly what it sounds like—it's the kind of orgasm that you try and achieve without using your hands at all? AT. ALL. Technically, oral sex could achieve this goal (I'm thinking that it would be pretty hard to engage in intercourse without using your hands). Still, try and think out of the box by engaging in some water play (showerhead, anyone?), tantric breathing or grinding on your partner while dancing to some of your favorite music.
When you really let your imagination go, there are all kinds of ways to experience this type of orgasm. Again, just remember that it doesn't count if your hands are involved in any way.
7. How to Have an Energy Orgasm
Speaking of tantric breathing, another orgasm that can be a cool experience is an energy orgasm. It's all about focusing on breathing, sound and movement (pretty much in that order) in order to climax. The thing that's interesting about this kind of orgasm is you've got to find the balance between totally freeing your mind of other thoughts while also fully focusing on cultivating sexual energy. Do this by dimming the lights in the room you plan to have your orgasm in; lighting a candle or applying a scent that you want to breathe in deeply; getting into a position where you can comfortably have an orgasm; taking some long deep breaths, and having your partner gently caress your genitalia as you're breathing deeply and swaying your hips back and forth so that your spine is able to feel a bit of a sensation. Then, as you feel more aroused, speed up your breathing as well as your hip movements as your partner intensifies his strokes. If all of this happens at just the right time, an energy orgasm is exactly what will happen. No penetration needed.
8. How to Have a Full Body Orgasm
Let's all be honest—whenever an orgasm happens, it feels like it resonates throughout our entire body on some level. Well, a full body orgasm is pretty much a more intense version of this. The best way to achieve one is to engage in the act of edging (which is when you get sexually aroused to the point of climaxing, but you don't allow yourself to completely get there). In between those times, have your partner focus on stimulating the upper half part of your body that has erogenous zones (meaning it could be your breasts or it could be your ears or neck; the point is whatever turns you on above your pelvis).
While he is consistently alternating between doing those two things, you focus on breathing deeply and totally letting yourself go. If that means saying the dirtiest words created or yelling, it doesn't matter. A full body orgasm requires consistent stimulation on your partner's part and total release of self on yours. And how will you know if you've had one? Let me put it to you this way—I don't think ANYTHING makes someone feel more pleasured, exhausted and totally outside of themselves as a full body orgasm. If it happens, you'll know. You'll both know.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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Black women’s natural hair is constantly a topic of conversation. Whether it’s in the workplace, on the red carpet, or in everyday life, how Black women choose to style their hair will always be a topic. This constant bombardment of opinions, both inside and outside of the Black community, about the way Black women’s hair is presented to the rest of the world can be a lot to manage and process at times.
Though we sang along with India.Arie, as she serenaded us with her classic “I Am Not My Hair,” Black women’s hair is indeed a statement of who they choose to be when they show up in the world each day. Valencia Carillo of Perfect Hair says, “We like to say we aren't our hair, but we also are. It changes how we feel and how we view ourselves.”
“I wear protective styles because it's not only convenient to manage, but I love it," shares Bobbie Riley, celebrity hair and makeup artist. As a Black woman who is constantly on various sets throughout Los Angeles, I’m always aware of my hair and the lack of knowledge some have about it. I want to feel confident when doing shoots, but know there’s always a chance that the HMU on set won’t be prepared to style me accordingly. This is why I choose protective styles so frequently when shooting. However, when I’m not booked, I enjoy having my natural hair free.
Today, more Black women are embracing their natural hair and protective styles while pushing boundaries they wouldn’t have been able to less than a decade ago. Abena Afrane, a licensed celebrity cosmetologist, says, “There's a noticeable shift, even among news anchors, who now confidently wear hairstyles like braids on TV.” Yet, even with this shift, a new conversation is emerging about Black women and protective styles.
Though we see many Black women wearing their natural hair publicly, there is also a new lingering question, “Is Black women’s ‘reliance’ on protective styles simply another way we’ve found to hide a piece of ourselves in order to be deemed more presentable?”
WHY WE DO NOT LIKE OUR OWN HAIRwww.youtube.com
The truth of it all lies somewhere much deeper than that.
The History of Hair Discrimination
To fully understand where the stigma and desire to assimilate comes from, we have to venture to the origin of hair discrimination in America. Black women’s hair has been used as a weapon against them since the inception of this country. The coils of our hair are one of the most prominent features that distinguishes Black people from other races, and because of this, it’s been used to make us feel inferior.
One example of this would be the origins of the term “nappy.” It’s believed that the origin of the term comes from the word nap, which described the frizzled thread that came apart from a piece of fabric. The term “nappy” was used to describe African slaves’ hair to demean and dehumanize them.
Likewise, because of the intricate braiding styles and designs our ancestors brought to America from the continent, Black women were often forced to hide their hair. This was used as a tool to shame Black women, create a racial hierarchy, and hide our culture.
An example of this was the Tignon Laws of 1786. When the Spanish took control of Louisiana, there was a population of free Black people living in the state. To display a cultural hierarchy, the governor mandated that free Black women wear tignon, head scarves historically worn by slaves, as a means to display their inferiority to white women.
Cabinet Card of Sarah Ann Blunt Crozley wearing a tignon in the 1800s.
Heritage Art/Heritage Images via Getty Images
Though they complied, they began to use them not only as a fashion statement, making them out of colorful and expensive fabrics and adding feathers and jewels to them, but also as a means of rebellion against their colonial ruling powers.
As time went on, Black women began to attempt to assimilate into white culture by straightening their hair. The famous Madame C.J. Walker made her fortune helping Black women manage and permanently straighten their hair. Though Walker’s business thrived and enabled other Black women to build wealth, today, many Black women are moving away from relaxers and consistently straightening their hair.
Black women are now embracing their natural hair with each passing year, but this emergence of unapologetic Blackness is often met with pushback.
Where Do Protective Styles Come From?
Protective styles are not a new phenomenon within the Black community or our African ancestry. The texture of most Black women’s hair easily gets tangled and knotted and can succumb to breakage if not well cared for properly. This reality has led centuries of Black women to find ways to protect and maintain their crowns. There are Stone Age paintings dating back to 3000 BC of North African women wearing braids in their hair.
What we call cornrows – named by enslaved Africans in the American South because they looked like rows of corn – are also known as irun didi by Yoruba people. The intricate nature of this style was not only practical but easier to maintain for an extended amount of time.
Similarly, Fulani braids – named after the Fulani people of West Africa – were used as a symbol of a woman’s marital status, career, or socio-economic class in pre-slave trade Africa. Likewise, Bantu knots – named after the Bantu group of the Zulu people – were used as a heatless curling technique for Black women centuries before it gained popularity in mainstream America.
Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
As chronicled in Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America by Ayana D. Byrd and Lori L. Tharps, the everchanging and cyclical relationship Black people have with their hair is often a reflection of their desire for freedom or connection to their ancestral roots. Growing up in the 90s, braids, twists, ponytails, wigs, etc. were commonplace in my and my mother’s friend groups.
Black women looking for ways to manage and care for their hair isn’t a new concept, but protective styles transition into the mainstream arena has created new conversations centered around whether Black women are using it as a mechanism to hide their natural hair.
Instead of acknowledging that Black women are becoming more comfortable with embracing themselves and their heritage, their choice of hairstyle is yet another sector where individuals have been allowed to over-police and analyze them.
Hair Discrimination Today
Global Head of DEI for Ferguson Partners Dionna Johnson Sallis admits she has experienced and witnessed hair discrimination towards Black women multiple times during her 13-year tenure in corporate America. She says, “wearing straight wigs or getting sew-ins that mirror the Eurocentric form of beauty can be a form of fitting in.” Sallis continues, “But I think many of us lean toward the more Afrocentric forms of a protective styling such as braids, twists, faux locs, and things that are more textured.”
I agree with Sallis and often use protective styles that still fully display my “Blackness,” because my goal is never to make any believe I’m ashamed of my culture or ancestry. However, there was a time when wearing my natural hair to work, whether it be in front of or behind the camera, was seen as unkempt or unprofessional.
I was told to make sure my hair was “neat” when I came into the office or was a prominent topic of discussion whenever I wore my fro out.
Luckily, I have always had older Black women around to remind my white coworkers not to touch my hair or make a big deal out of a new style I had. Nonetheless, these constant microaggressions can weigh on a person while begging the question: “Should I just cover my natural hair so they’ll shut up already?”
Sallis believes experiences like the ones I describe are less prominent today; “Because of the CROWN Act, it is made it more difficult to be discriminated against because there is a very blatant law in place to prevent this discrimination and microaggressions compared to 10 or 15 years ago.”
Strides like these have come as a result of Black women mobilizing to pursue true equity for themselves and future generations. Afrane adds, “I've observed a significant change where we're boldly advocating for equality and inclusivity in professional spaces. It's inspiring to witness us standing up and speaking out for ourselves.”
Black Women’s Rights to Their Individuality
Depending on what your daily life looks like, protective styles can be an easy way to manage and maintain your natural hair in a healthy manner. Carillo has been doing my protective styles for years, and we often talk about our busy lives managing businesses, being mothers, and still wanting to feel like ourselves. Like many Black women, we use our hair as a form of expression and style. Carillo says, “At the end of it all, I think most Black women choose what we want and what makes us feel good.” Afrane agrees, “It feels like we're collectively embracing hairstyles that bring us joy and align with our lifestyles.”
Though there will always be podcast conversations on whether or not natural hair is appropriate for formal events and people trying to create a divide between Black women who mainly wear weave and wigs versus the ones who wear their afro regularly, the one consensus I found among the women I interviewed is there is some level of awareness, whether positive or negative, Black women experience in relationship to their hair and how others perceive them.
Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Riley shared a recent experience on set with one of her clients where the brand wanted a fiber fill to give her client a more “hair-like look.” Riley and her client both agreed it wasn’t the direction they wanted to go and continued with their original aesthetic for the shoot. “I loved her facial structure and her hair how it was, and I wanted her to feel just as beautiful embracing it,” Riley says.
Carillo adds, “Insecurities are real, and while we love to do what we need to for us, I'd be lying to say some women don't consider what others think.”
As we all know, existing in the intersectionality of Black womanhood comes with a slew of challenges, disparities, and dangers. However, just as the women of Louisiana in 1786 used their tignons as a form of expression, creativity, and rebellion, Black women today embrace our crowns the same way. One of the greatest joys many of us experience as Black women are switching up our hairstyles to match our mood, occasion, or season.
We find liberation in changing our styles to express who we are in the current moment we’re existing in. Though there are some who may use protective styles as a means to assimilate into Eurocentric culture, far more of us change our hairstyles to match our vibe. Afrane says, “The joy lies in the freedom to explore various looks, and it feels like we're collectively embracing hairstyles that bring us joy.”
Featured image by RoGina Montgomery/Getty Images