

I'll admit it. I'm pretty violent about not involving myself in things (or with folks) that disrupt my calm and peace of mind. And yes, I know that is pretty much a play on words. It's designed to be.
As I've been devoting a lot of these past several months to healing the "PTSD Shellie" so that I can live the kind of life I was created to live before all of the abuse, trauma, and disappointments, something that I've looked into is what are known as anxiety triggers. Our health; certain types of medication; caffeine; negative thoughts; hoarding; poor financial choices (include impulse spending); going to public events (that you'd prefer to sit out on); unforgivingness; toxic relationships; unhealthy lifestyle habits; avoiding confrontation; being too confrontational and stress—all of these things can play a direct role in if we're a peace-filled individual or not.
Once I learned what my personal triggers were (I don't need to buy another pair of Pumas; I need to save more money and I don't need to justify my boundaries with toxic individuals; I just need to keep them), my life has become so much more harmonious, stable, mellow, undisturbed…calm. And when you truly find the peace that passes all understanding, you will do whatever it takes to not disrupt or disturb that. Ever.
Not to say that life (including the people in it) doesn't throw some curveballs every now and then. That's why, along with figuring out my anxiety triggers, I've also discovered some immediate ways to calm down whenever they try and push me.
The next time some person, place, thing, or idea tries to stress you all the way out, I'd be shocked if these tips don't pull you back into a tranquil mindset.
Deep Breathe
Our bodies need oxygen in order to survive. That's a no-brainer. But if we all knew all of the health benefits that come from deep breathing, I bet a lot more of us would sign up for a yoga class or at least meditate more often in the mornings.
Not only does deep breathing help to detoxify our system, it also gives us more energy, improves our digestion and posture, boosts our mood, intensifies our orgasms, strengthens our heart, decreases pain, helps us to sleep better and yes—it immediately calms and relaxes us as well. No wonder mama would count to 10 whenever she caught us doing something crazy when we were little. See, deep breathing literally spared our lives!
If you've never done it before, it's a relatively simple practice. Take a deep long breath through your nose and hold it for a count of 3-5. Then, through your mouth, exhale slowly, making sure to relax the muscles in your face and shoulders. Do repetitions of 10, five times a day. Watch how much calmer you feel, almost immediately.
Walk Outside
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If you want to take deep breathing up a notch, do it while you're standing—or better yet, walking—outdoors. The sunlight will give you some much needed Vitamin D. As women, we all need a daily dose of D (no pun there) because it supports our immune system, strengthens our bones, helps to prevent breast cancer and, if we're trying to conceive, improves our fertility too.
And, since it's also the only vitamin that's considered to be a hormone, it is a truly effective way to balance your cortisol levels out as well.
Snack on Some Cashews, Blueberries or Dark Chocolate
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Speaking of cortisol, sometimes, when we're not eating as healthy as we should, it can cause the cortisol (the natural stress in our bodies) to spike. When that happens, we need foods that contain stress-reducing nutrients to balance everything out.
Foods that top the list include cashews, blueberries, and dark chocolate. Cashews contain potassium (a mineral that triggers serotonin to our neurotransmitters) and magnesium (a mineral that regulates our brain and nervous system). Blueberries have antioxidants and Vitamin C in them to bring our cortisol down to a healthy level. And dark chocolate? One study revealed that eating a dark chocolate bar (with 65 percent or more cocoa in it), once a day, for two weeks straight, decreased cortisol and also our fight-or-flight responses to anxiety, fear, and tension too. Cool. Very cool.
Listen to Some Rain Videos on YouTube
Ever wonder why the sound of rain helps you to have some of the best sleep (and sex) that you've ever had in your entire life? It's because rain mimics that sound that is similar to white noise. Whenever white noise triggers our sensory input, it immediately calms and centers us.
You could wait for a thunderstorm to happen in order to feel better. Or, you can do what I do and hop on over to YouTube and listen to some of their 10+ hour videos. Two of my personal favorites are this one and this one.
Recall a Favorite Memory
A technique that a lot of therapists use is when their clients are feeling anxious, they ask them to think of a great past memory. I do this sometimes when I'm working with married couples; I ask them to reflect back on a time when they felt really good about their relationship. It really is amazing to watch how quickly it calms them down.
It's been my experience that whenever stress arises, it's a good idea to think about a healthy and happy memory that is directly related to your source of stress at the moment.
Did your boss just piss you off? When was the last time they made you feel appreciated? Did your friend just hurt your feelings? What's the last great experience you shared with them? By doing this, not only will it bring a sense of tranquility (and even a bit of happiness) to your spirit about the particular situation, but about the person in general as well.
Find Yourself a Plant
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Think about it. Don't you feel calmer and happier around plants? Have you ever wondered why? Not only are plants aesthetically-pleasing to look at, but they help to reduce indoor air pollution too. What does this even remotely have to do with our stress levels? Indoor air pollution is as much as 2-5 times higher than outdoor air pollution and most of us spend most of our time indoors. Spending hours breathing in mold, pesticides, tobacco smoke, solvents (like house cleaners and gases from newly-installed carpet or furniture), radon and carbon monoxide can lead to coughing, sneezing, a sore throat, headaches, and fatigue. The worse your body feels, the more stressed out you'll become.
Since plants help to pull toxins out of the air, they are another avenue to calm and tranquility. Some of the more popular stress-reducing plants include jasmine, lavender, rosemary, bamboo palm, and Aloe Vera.
Related: These Easy To Care For Plants Thrive On Little To No Natural Light
Blow on Your Thumb
Sometimes we're stressed out because we've got an air passage blocked that we know absolutely nothing about. The solution? Suck or blow on your thumb. I know you probably think I'm making this up but hey, it supposedly activates our vagus nerve (the muscles that help to control the muscles in our throat) and, in turn, cause our heart rate and blood pressure to drop (in a good way).
Also, your thumb has its own pulse so, whenever you (gently) suck or blow on it, it'll slow down and relax you. (Now we get why babies do it, huh?)
Chew Some Gum
If someone just got on your very last nerve, rather than cussing them out, chew on some gum first. It might sound ridiculous, but this is another proven way to get your stress and anxiety levels in check. One study even revealed that people who chewed gum every day for two weeks had significantly lower stress than those who didn't.
Although researchers are still trying to figure out what makes gum such an effective calm-inducer, many believe that 1) it has to do with taking out our frustrations on the gum as we chew it and 2) it depends on the flavor of gum that is chosen. Your best bet? Peppermint. Although it's invigorating, it's really effective at relieving anxiety, stress, and even depression-related symptoms as well.
Log Off of Your Socials
Back in my Facebook days (when I was online there was barely Twitter and no Instagram), I must admit, that my page was pretty lit. You know what else it was? SEMI-STRESSFUL. It was a page where people could hop on and share/debate whatever, whenever, which was cool. But after a while, the combination of a constant influx of info, people being emotionally charged (and not always in a good way) and folks inboxing me with the expectation of not only getting back to them immediately but giving them free counseling—it all got to be too much.
My life has been sooooo much calmer without having social media accounts. And while I get the benefits that come with having them, if you're on every kind of social in the world, take out a moment to Google how social media tends to negatively affect our mental health. This includes our self-esteem, memory, sleep patterns, attention span and yes, our stress levels.
I'm not saying shut your socials down. I'm just saying that whenever Trump's tweets or an ex's IG posts get your heart to racing, it's a good idea to log off for a couple of hours or (gasp!) the rest of the day.
Do yourself a favor and drink some herbal tea while reading a book or call up a friend and have a real phone conversation instead. Watch what things like this does for your nervous system that Black Twitter cannot.
Kiss
Whew. Is there anything more perfect in this world than a well-timed, perfectly placed kiss? The icing on the cake is, not only does kissing feel like the peak of ecstasy, it's really good for your health too. How good? Kissing triggers "happy hormones" including oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in your system. Kissing also boosts your self-confidence, bonds you to your partner, soothes headaches, decreases allergy symptoms, reduces cavities, and lowers cortisol levels too.
So, if none of the other things I recommended appeal to you, at least be open to an impromptu smooch session. Your stress and anxiety levels will thank you—so will the rest of your body.
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Originally published on March 17, 2019
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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It’s almost always “annoyingly fun” to have conversations with super churchy folks. Example? Recently, I had on an anklet that a particular woman took notice of. When she complimented it and asked what it was made of, I said, “Moonstone, which is one of my birthstones.” Oddly enough, she then turned up her nose and said that stones and crystals were tied to witchcraft, to which I casually replied, “Then I guess you hate Aaron’s breastplate, huh?” She paused and turned her nose up again — this time, though, because she just experienced a good old-fashioned “checkmate.”
This article is about crystals not Scripture, so when it comes to the latter, I’ll just briefly say that if you mosey on over to Exodus 28, you’ll see that a high priest breastplate is referenced; one that contains precious gems including topaz, sapphire, agate, onyx and jasper (and that’s just for starters!). Yeah, it really is important to not just throw judgments around like confetti — know of what you are actually speaking of first (because that’s what Matthew 7 is really all about).
I did think it was important to mention that for potential skeptics about why this article even exists. Because although there are Scriptural and evenscience-based individuals who roll their eyes at the power of what gemstones and crystals can (possibly) do, I’m pretty sure that some of you are not surprised that the holistic and Ayurveda worlds see it all very differently.In those realms, energy plays a big role in physical, emotional, and mental health, and crystals are believed to cultivate balance or intensify certain feelings or experiences through that said energy.
That said, when it comes to sex, specifically, there are certain stones (which are basically what crystals are;in fact, all gemstones are a type of crystal) that are believed to help make intimacy even more satisfying. If you’re curious about which ones are, I’ve got 10 for you below.
10 Crystals That May Enhance Your Intimate Life
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1. Garnet
Garnet is a rich shade of red that happens to be January’s gemstone. It’s considered to be one of the oldest gemstones around, one that Egyptians believed was a symbol of life and something that they oftentimes wore in their signet rings. As far as symbolism goes, garnet also represents love and vitality as well as energy, passion and even self-confidence — all of which are quite relevant when it comes to having an active and fulfilling sex life.
2. Amethyst
Queen Cleopatra and Leonardo da Vinci are just two powerful figures who were big fans of the purple gemstone amethyst. Interestingly enough, it is February’s birthstone — the month that Valentine’s Day falls under. Another interesting fact is many early Christians relied on this gem in order to increase their spirituality while many Greeks used to see it as a stone that provided protection. When it comes to intimacy, amethyst is also associated with love and devotion as well as feelings of calm and reduced anxiety — and since the less calm you feel, the easier it is to climax…well. #wink
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3. Orange Carnelian
Looking to experience more joy and happiness? Or maybe you want to strengthen your friendships. Or perhaps it’s time to increase your pleasure levels or to go into deeper levels of sensuality. For all of these things, orange carnelian is a top-tier pick. As I did a bit more research on this stone, it’s considered to be a royal one and something that can bring forth peace. One of my favorite things about orange carnelian is it comes in different hues of orange — the deeper the color, the more passion it exudes. Just an FYI.
4. Rose Quartz
If you want to take your romantic relationship to another level, rose quartz has a solid reputation for helping to make that happen for you. In fact, this pink crystal is oftentimes referred to as being the stone of unconditional love because it encourages the wearers of it to both give as well as put themselves in the position to receive love too. Since rose quartz is also tied to things like emotional healing, restored trust and harmony, if you’re looking to make a much deeper intimate connection with your partner, this just might be the stone for you.
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5. Rhodochrosite
Rhodochrosite is a red-rose colored stone that I personally hold dear. I say that because, as a survivor of sexual abuse, it is one that helps recovering individuals to work through sexual trauma (and trauma, in general). It is associated with love, compassion and strength as it helps you to process your emotions in a positive way, so that you are able to effectively release past pain and deal with any PTSD that you might have. You know, I know a wife who sexually struggled in her marriage for years because she had been sexually assaulted in college and never told her husband.
A stone of compassion is a precious one — including when it comes to dealing with sexual trauma and intimacy challenges and learning how to face them. Salute to this stone right here.
6. Citrine
Citrine is November’s birthstone and its rich yellow color explains why it represents things like abundance, prosperity, radiance and happiness. Aside from this, whether you’re seeking clarity, you’d like to be more creative or you’re interested in becoming more sensual, citrine encourages all of this. Sensuality is a dope word because it’s all about appealing to all five senses; especially during intimacy. To learn more about how to do that, check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever.”
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7. Red Jasper
While doing my own research on what red jasper represents, what I liked the most is it’s something that encourages emotional stability which is always a wonderful thing to have. Although it is a fiery red color, it also contains grounding properties and it symbolizes strength, courage and, another word that can always make sex more pleasurable: stamina. Since stamina is what helps both men and women to last longer during sex, anything that is a “stamina hack” earns an automatic mention when it comes to sex-themed content — including this.
8. Clear Quartz
A fun fact about quartz is it’s one of the most common minerals on this planet. When it comes to clear quartz, specifically, I like the way that it looks because it’s either a cloudy white or something that you can see straight through. As far as its symbolism is concerned, if you want to reduce physical discomfort, remove distractions and focus more on heightened levels of yourself, this crystal represents all of that. Clear quartz also encourages healing, spiritual growth and balance. To me, it seems like if you want to cultivate a spiritual or meditative (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) experience with your partner, clear quartz is a stone to try.
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9. Shiva Lingam
I ain’t got no lies to tell you — when I first happened upon this particular stone, the first thing that came to my mind was an article that I penned for the site back in the day entitled, “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage.” That’s because it explains what a lingam massage is and, as you can see, this crystal has that word all up in it. The history of lingam is a bit layered (you can read about it here); however, because it is considered by many to be a phallic symbol and that typically represents the penis — shiva lingam is a neutral-colored crystal that represents both sexuality as well as fertility. Shocking, right? #sarcasm
10. Pyrite
It doesn’t escape me that it’s kind of funny that I’m closing this out with a crystal that has the nickname “fool’s gold.” That’s due to its appearance. That said, it’s also a stone that has some interesting symbolism to it. Since it comes from a Greek word that means fire — of course, it’s a crystal of passion. Since it also taps into things like heightened energy, self-esteem, creativity, awakened senses and the removal of toxic thoughts — if any stone should be in your “let’s get it on” crystal collection, pyrite would be the one!
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Know what’s kinda wild? While I was on Etsy’s site looking for another moonstone, a sake popped up in my feed on what the merchant calls their “libido crystal set” — and six of the 10 stones that I’ve mentioned throughout this article are featured in the collection.
Yeah, I’ll take that as a confirmation that whether you purchase a piece of jewelry that has one (or more) of these stones or you buy a piece of crystal itself to place somewhere in your bedroom — just putting your own energy into wanting a better sex life is a powerful step in the right direction to achieving it.
And what science can’t refute is the benefits of positive thoughts and actions — crystals or not.
So, if precious stones are totally your thing — enjoy, sis. Enjoy!
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