I'll admit it. I'm pretty violent about not involving myself in things (or with folks) that disrupt my calm and peace of mind. And yes, I know that is pretty much a play on words. It's designed to be.
As I've been devoting a lot of these past several months to healing the "PTSD Shellie" so that I can live the kind of life I was created to live before all of the abuse, trauma, and disappointments, something that I've looked into is what are known as anxiety triggers. Our health; certain types of medication; caffeine; negative thoughts; hoarding; poor financial choices (include impulse spending); going to public events (that you'd prefer to sit out on); unforgivingness; toxic relationships; unhealthy lifestyle habits; avoiding confrontation; being too confrontational and stress—all of these things can play a direct role in if we're a peace-filled individual or not.
Once I learned what my personal triggers were (I don't need to buy another pair of Pumas; I need to save more money and I don't need to justify my boundaries with toxic individuals; I just need to keep them), my life has become so much more harmonious, stable, mellow, undisturbed…calm. And when you truly find the peace that passes all understanding, you will do whatever it takes to not disrupt or disturb that. Ever.
Not to say that life (including the people in it) doesn't throw some curveballs every now and then. That's why, along with figuring out my anxiety triggers, I've also discovered some immediate ways to calm down whenever they try and push me.
The next time some person, place, thing, or idea tries to stress you all the way out, I'd be shocked if these tips don't pull you back into a tranquil mindset.
Deep Breathe
Our bodies need oxygen in order to survive. That's a no-brainer. But if we all knew all of the health benefits that come from deep breathing, I bet a lot more of us would sign up for a yoga class or at least meditate more often in the mornings.
Not only does deep breathing help to detoxify our system, it also gives us more energy, improves our digestion and posture, boosts our mood, intensifies our orgasms, strengthens our heart, decreases pain, helps us to sleep better and yes—it immediately calms and relaxes us as well. No wonder mama would count to 10 whenever she caught us doing something crazy when we were little. See, deep breathing literally spared our lives!
If you've never done it before, it's a relatively simple practice. Take a deep long breath through your nose and hold it for a count of 3-5. Then, through your mouth, exhale slowly, making sure to relax the muscles in your face and shoulders. Do repetitions of 10, five times a day. Watch how much calmer you feel, almost immediately.
Walk Outside
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If you want to take deep breathing up a notch, do it while you're standing—or better yet, walking—outdoors. The sunlight will give you some much needed Vitamin D. As women, we all need a daily dose of D (no pun there) because it supports our immune system, strengthens our bones, helps to prevent breast cancer and, if we're trying to conceive, improves our fertility too.
And, since it's also the only vitamin that's considered to be a hormone, it is a truly effective way to balance your cortisol levels out as well.
Snack on Some Cashews, Blueberries or Dark Chocolate
Heathline.com
Speaking of cortisol, sometimes, when we're not eating as healthy as we should, it can cause the cortisol (the natural stress in our bodies) to spike. When that happens, we need foods that contain stress-reducing nutrients to balance everything out.
Foods that top the list include cashews, blueberries, and dark chocolate. Cashews contain potassium (a mineral that triggers serotonin to our neurotransmitters) and magnesium (a mineral that regulates our brain and nervous system). Blueberries have antioxidants and Vitamin C in them to bring our cortisol down to a healthy level. And dark chocolate? One study revealed that eating a dark chocolate bar (with 65 percent or more cocoa in it), once a day, for two weeks straight, decreased cortisol and also our fight-or-flight responses to anxiety, fear, and tension too. Cool. Very cool.
Listen to Some Rain Videos on YouTube
Ever wonder why the sound of rain helps you to have some of the best sleep (and sex) that you've ever had in your entire life? It's because rain mimics that sound that is similar to white noise. Whenever white noise triggers our sensory input, it immediately calms and centers us.
You could wait for a thunderstorm to happen in order to feel better. Or, you can do what I do and hop on over to YouTube and listen to some of their 10+ hour videos. Two of my personal favorites are this one and this one.
Recall a Favorite Memory
A technique that a lot of therapists use is when their clients are feeling anxious, they ask them to think of a great past memory. I do this sometimes when I'm working with married couples; I ask them to reflect back on a time when they felt really good about their relationship. It really is amazing to watch how quickly it calms them down.
It's been my experience that whenever stress arises, it's a good idea to think about a healthy and happy memory that is directly related to your source of stress at the moment.
Did your boss just piss you off? When was the last time they made you feel appreciated? Did your friend just hurt your feelings? What's the last great experience you shared with them? By doing this, not only will it bring a sense of tranquility (and even a bit of happiness) to your spirit about the particular situation, but about the person in general as well.
Find Yourself a Plant
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Think about it. Don't you feel calmer and happier around plants? Have you ever wondered why? Not only are plants aesthetically-pleasing to look at, but they help to reduce indoor air pollution too. What does this even remotely have to do with our stress levels? Indoor air pollution is as much as 2-5 times higher than outdoor air pollution and most of us spend most of our time indoors. Spending hours breathing in mold, pesticides, tobacco smoke, solvents (like house cleaners and gases from newly-installed carpet or furniture), radon and carbon monoxide can lead to coughing, sneezing, a sore throat, headaches, and fatigue. The worse your body feels, the more stressed out you'll become.
Since plants help to pull toxins out of the air, they are another avenue to calm and tranquility. Some of the more popular stress-reducing plants include jasmine, lavender, rosemary, bamboo palm, and Aloe Vera.
Related: These Easy To Care For Plants Thrive On Little To No Natural Light
Blow on Your Thumb
Sometimes we're stressed out because we've got an air passage blocked that we know absolutely nothing about. The solution? Suck or blow on your thumb. I know you probably think I'm making this up but hey, it supposedly activates our vagus nerve (the muscles that help to control the muscles in our throat) and, in turn, cause our heart rate and blood pressure to drop (in a good way).
Also, your thumb has its own pulse so, whenever you (gently) suck or blow on it, it'll slow down and relax you. (Now we get why babies do it, huh?)
Chew Some Gum
If someone just got on your very last nerve, rather than cussing them out, chew on some gum first. It might sound ridiculous, but this is another proven way to get your stress and anxiety levels in check. One study even revealed that people who chewed gum every day for two weeks had significantly lower stress than those who didn't.
Although researchers are still trying to figure out what makes gum such an effective calm-inducer, many believe that 1) it has to do with taking out our frustrations on the gum as we chew it and 2) it depends on the flavor of gum that is chosen. Your best bet? Peppermint. Although it's invigorating, it's really effective at relieving anxiety, stress, and even depression-related symptoms as well.
Log Off of Your Socials
Back in my Facebook days (when I was online there was barely Twitter and no Instagram), I must admit, that my page was pretty lit. You know what else it was? SEMI-STRESSFUL. It was a page where people could hop on and share/debate whatever, whenever, which was cool. But after a while, the combination of a constant influx of info, people being emotionally charged (and not always in a good way) and folks inboxing me with the expectation of not only getting back to them immediately but giving them free counseling—it all got to be too much.
My life has been sooooo much calmer without having social media accounts. And while I get the benefits that come with having them, if you're on every kind of social in the world, take out a moment to Google how social media tends to negatively affect our mental health. This includes our self-esteem, memory, sleep patterns, attention span and yes, our stress levels.
I'm not saying shut your socials down. I'm just saying that whenever Trump's tweets or an ex's IG posts get your heart to racing, it's a good idea to log off for a couple of hours or (gasp!) the rest of the day.
Do yourself a favor and drink some herbal tea while reading a book or call up a friend and have a real phone conversation instead. Watch what things like this does for your nervous system that Black Twitter cannot.
Kiss
Whew. Is there anything more perfect in this world than a well-timed, perfectly placed kiss? The icing on the cake is, not only does kissing feel like the peak of ecstasy, it's really good for your health too. How good? Kissing triggers "happy hormones" including oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in your system. Kissing also boosts your self-confidence, bonds you to your partner, soothes headaches, decreases allergy symptoms, reduces cavities, and lowers cortisol levels too.
So, if none of the other things I recommended appeal to you, at least be open to an impromptu smooch session. Your stress and anxiety levels will thank you—so will the rest of your body.
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Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on March 17, 2019
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
The Final Mercury Retrograde Of 2024 Is Here—How This Bold Energy Will Shift Your Perspective
The final Mercury retrograde of the year arrives this month, and this is an opportunity to close one chapter and prepare for a new one. Mercury retrogrades are the time of the year when you take a step back, assess where your life currently is, and be a little more flexible with how things are playing out for you. When Mercury is in retrograde, miscommunications and misdirections are more likely; however, this isn’t the time to fear where you are headed; it’s more about looking at things from a different perspective right now.
Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2, will be retrograde from Nov. 25 until Dec. 15, and will be in this sign until Jan. 8, 2025. Mercury in Sagittarius is bold and outspoken but, in retrograde, can come across as impulsive and brash. Thinking before speaking is important right now, and so is considering your values and interests before committing to something new. Since Sagittarius rules long-distance travel, this isn’t the best time to plan a new trip or to rush the ones already in place.
Consider where you want to be, and take your time getting there.
What to Expect from Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
A little more than a week after Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, Mars goes retrograde in Leo. With these important transits happening in fire signs, energy can be misdirected right now. It’s about looking at the full picture and not overwhelming yourself with too many options or interests. Take your passions and align them with your heart and willpower, without confusing inspiration with ego. Emotions are running high, yet this activation is creating a breakthrough in personal development before the year ends.
Read below to see how this Mercury retrograde transit will be for you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
Your Sun Sign and Rising Sign Horoscopes for Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
ARIES
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and you are focused on the bigger picture right now, Aries. With Mercury retrograde in your 9th house of adventure over the next few weeks, this is the time to expect the unexpected and to go at your own pace. Don’t rush the clarity that is meant to bloom for you right now, and take things one day at a time.
Even if you don’t have all the answers you need right now, there are still some important truths and insights to gain. You are in the process of reinventing yourself and your life, and the universe is helping you get the space in order to do so. If you are traveling over the next few weeks, remember to be flexible and to go over plans thoroughly.
TAURUS
Mercury goes retrograde, and you enter a time of change and rebirth, Taurus. This transit, for you, is an opportunity to gain balance, perspective, and empowerment. Your commitments and close partnerships are being addressed right now, and you are seeing where your needs are being met and where they aren’t. You are on a journey of letting go and allowing more, and this is the time to focus on being more flexible rather than controlling outcomes.
This retrograde could also be affecting your shared finances and earnings, and this is a good time to take another look at the money coming in and the money going out and make sure things are in order here. Trust your intuition right now, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury goes retrograde in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are ready for a fresh perspective in love. This retrograde will highlight your 7th house of partnership, connection, romance, and inner harmony, and your heart is figuring things out right now. Confusion or disagreements are more likely within your relationship dynamics, and this is the time to address what your partnerships need.
If you have been feeling out of balance when it comes to love, then this is the time to get things back on track.
This Mercury retrograde is helping you gain a new perspective and reminds you that you deserve the love you are looking for. Use this time to forgive, grow, and use better judgment regarding matters of the heart and the relationships you are building in your life right now.
Coveteur
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde transit for you is a chance to gain some renewed clarity regarding your health, well-being, and work life. You could be feeling more pressure to perform and have it all together on the job, and there is a need to delegate, let go, and take care of your health more right now, Cancer.
This transit will highlight where some cracks are seeping, where you may need to build stronger foundations and healthier daily routines, and also how you can manage a better work/life balance. Your daily lifestyle may feel a little more difficult to find consistency in right now, and this is because new avenues and perspectives are waiting for you to grab ahold of. Overall, use this time to listen to your inner voice and do more of what feels right for you and your body.
LEO
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and this transit highlights your 5th house of romance, creativity, passion, and happiness, Leo. This retrograde is an opportunity for you to address what and who makes you happy and how you can show up more for these fortunate experiences in your life. You are looking at if you’ve been making your happiness as much of a priority as it should be this year and also taking a look at what sources help you align with that energy altogether.
This time is about being a little bit more flexible, doing things differently, and being open to a new perspective. Relationship developments are also providing your heart more clarity right now, and you are balancing your needs with the needs of your partnerships and creative ventures.
VIRGO
Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends, and this is helping you rebuild your foundations, Virgo. Mercury will be retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your home, history, family, and emotional stability- and you are getting a new grasp on things here.
Where you have been planting your seeds and building for your future are coming up for review during this time, and you are gaining clarity on which of these foundations is stable enough to continue to build upon. You could be feeling less secure than you would like to right now, and this change of pace is helping you reassess your goals and figure out what is worth it for you and the legacy you want to live.
Coveteur
LIBRA
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and the focus turns towards your communication channels, Libra. Mercury retro is already a more chaotic time when it comes to communication, and with this retrograde also happening in your 3rd house of insight and communication, you may feel this heaviness a little more right now.
This transit, for you, is about taking your time getting your message across, being patient while traveling and running errands, and giving yourself space to gain some new clarity.
Meditation, journaling, and talking to someone who can support you are therapeutic, and know that your voice deserves to be heard. You are looking at ways you can take up more space and show up in the world without letting your insecurities keep you away from true connection, vulnerability, and understanding.
SCORPIO
This Mercury retrograde is happening in your 2nd house of income, values, assets, and self-confidence, and you are taking a step back to assess your current reality, especially financially, Scorpio. This is a good time to go over your spending habits and earnings, to find greater balance here, and to think about some of your financial goals moving forward.
Look at your resources, skills, and talents, and make sure what you are receiving is equal to or greater than what you have been giving. Less is more right now, and this isn’t the best time to overspend or overindulge, as you need more time to grasp your current stance on things, and how to increase your overall wealth and abundance.
SAGITTARIUS
With this Mercury retrograde happening in your sign, it’s hitting a little closer to home for you, Sagittarius. This is a good time to refine your goals and direction in life and how you want to show up right now. You deserve to be able to change your mind when you need to, and you are thinking about some of the things you have done and what you want to do moving forward.
Miscommunications are more likely while Mercury is in retrograde, but you can use this as a source of empowerment, knowing that you are living in your truth and allowing yourself room to grow in the process. Remember to be a little kinder to yourself during this transit and to give yourself the grace you need right now.
Coveteur
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde for you, Capricorn, is about rest and taking care of your emotional world. You are being given the opportunity to spend more time alone, to gather your strength, and to heal before you enter the new year. A lot has happened, and there have been many changes in your world this year. This Mercury retrograde is here to help you find acceptance and closure.
You are in a preparation stage right now, and things can feel a little more lonesome in this energy, but with a different perspective, you can see just how much of this space your heart truly needs right now. The past is coming up for you to see things in a new light, and you are ready to gain some renewed insight, closure, and healing.
AQUARIUS
This Mercury retrograde highlights your friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, Aquarius. You are being reminded of the importance of connection, but more significantly, of good connections. You are looking at who and what surrounds you right now and gaining clarity on whether this energy matches who you are and the things that you stand for.
Your social circle and the people around you are shifting as the power dynamics do, and you are finding your place and purpose amidst this change. It’s about identifying who and what makes you feel good and aligning things in your life to bring in more of that energy. Don’t be discouraged right now; find your people and ask for support.
PISCES
Your career and ambitions are the focus during this Mercury retrograde, Pisces. You have a lot to address here, and you are gathering your skills and talents and reminding yourself that you are worthy of your dreams. Miscommunications and setbacks are more likely within your professional world, but they are here to ask you if what you are striving for, is really what you need right now.
You are thinking a lot about how you show up in the world, what you want to be known for, and what successes you still want to obtain. This isn’t the time to let anyone’s idea or vision of you define who you are; rather, define that for yourself. Show up as you want to be seen, and don’t count yourself out right now, Pisces.
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This Is How To Keep Your Family From Driving You Crazy Over The Holidays
I promise you that if my friend wouldn’t have a complete fit for putting her full government name in the title of this piece, I would have — ‘cause y’all, if there is one person I know who, I have to mentally prep myself to hear vent around this time of year, it’s her. What it all boils down to is she’s not really much of a fan when it comes to the holidays.
Not because she doesn’t like them; it’s because her family (and her husband’s family) pretty much suck when it comes to respecting boundaries, not saying any and everything that immediately comes to their minds and not picking up on cues that they have come extremely close to wearing out their welcome. And since this has always been the case, my friend damn near freaks out at the mere thought of what Thanksgiving and Christmas will bring into her life via her relatives.
What’s wild is just how much she is not alone in all of this. In fact, USA Today once published a piece entitled, “Survey: Nearly 85% of Americans avoid family over the holidays” and a big part of the reason is because they don’t want to deal with the stress, pressure, and/or arguments about things like politics (can you just imagine what this year is gonna be like?!), religion or how to raise children.
If you’re looking at your screen in agreement and yet you know that dealing with your relatives is pretty much unavoidable, instead of giving yourself a nervous breakdown, how about applying the following tips, so that “peace and goodwill towards men” with your people is something that can be genuine and not merely performative this year?
1.Avoid Being Pressured into Hosting at Your House
GiphyRecently, I was talking to some friends who’ve been having a bit of a financially stressful time over the past several months. When I asked them what their plans were for Thanksgiving, I chuckled a bit when they said that some family members told them that they were coming to their city (and house) but they’re not sure if they are okay with that. Y’all, ain’t it wild how many people will just presume that they can stay at your place whenever they want to without thinking about — shoot, not just the cost but the imposition by coming from such an entitled space?
Anyway, my chuckle elevated to a laugh when the husband said that he wasn’t too stressed about it because if he did oblige, 72 hours firm is all he had to offer.
Look, I get it, because I’m not big on visitors myself. In part, because certain people who have stayed with me in the past think that they are “low-maintenance” when that couldn’t be further from the truth. And so, if I’m going to be the-hostess-with-the-mostest, five days is all I’ve got to take you to all the places you want to go, let you monopolize my electronic devices, and listen to you talk about stuff that, sometimes, I couldn’t care less about.
Bottom line here — you’re grown and having folks in your house, for whatever the season or reason should be seen as a privilege on their part. So, if you don’t think that you’re up to hosting this year, remember what novelist Anne Lamott once said: “’No’ is a complete sentence,” then follow that up with the wisdom of the individual who said that anyone who is looking for an explanation for your boundaries is usually looking for a loophole in them too. SMDH.
Y’all, hosting should be a pleasure, not something you feel pressured to do. If the latter is what’s going on — YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT.
2.Don’t LISTEN to Everything That Is Said
GiphyPersonally, I’m not someone who believes that seniors/elders are too old to change. As long as someone has breath in their body, they can choose to be(come) a better person. At the same time, it is also my belief that since a lot of folks don’t subscribe to this way of thinking, older individuals will sometimes manipulate their way into saying whatever, whenever, however, and then acting like folks should just take it as a sign of “respecting” them.
Honey, the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” doesn’t have an age range on it; it applies to everyone. Unfortunately, some folks are not elevated in their thinking, so they seem to find an odd sense of pleasure in gaslighting and triggering folks. One way to handle them without all hell breaking loose is to practice the art of hearing without listening.
What’s the difference? Hearing is when you acknowledge what is being said on a very surface level while listening is when you fully take something into your psyche. That said, when your great-aunt is back on some you’re too old to be single, and, in a minute, no one is going to want to marry you, hear her without listening. For one thing, she doesn’t know enough about your life to draw such drastic conclusions.
Secondly, never allow anyone to rattle you to the point where you start to question your own life and reality. When you hear, you can shrug her off and walk into the next room, so that she can focus on low-key tormenting someone else. If you listen, that’s how you can find yourself being so hurt or offended that the rest of your day is ruined.
When it comes to cyclic nonsense, it isn’t worth it, chile. Let it go…in one ear and right out of the other.
3.Choose Your Battles
GiphyA few days ago, I actually watched a cute Christmas movie on Tubi entitledA Verry Merry Hood Christmas. In case you want to check it out, I won’t give the storylines away. What I will say is there were all kinds of examples of what happens when folks don’t choose their battles; 8 times outta 10, whenever that happens, it damn near turns things into a war. For instance, if you’re not a Christian, why get into debates about “the true meaning of Christmas”?
Whoever you voted for, I don’t even care for this phrase, yet it really “is what it is” at this point, so why get angry? You’ve been married for a while and don’t want kids? You don’t have to prove why you feel that way. Just bought a car and your uncle wants to take it upon himself to berate you about the economy? Just eat some pie and do the hearing thing that we just talked about.
My point here is we’re all individuals which means that we’re not going to agree on everything. My bigger point? Even if you win an argument, it’s not like there’s a $1 million check waiting for you. If you really want to experience “peace and goodwill,” choose your battles. Straight up.
4.Going Elsewhere? Nap. Meditate. No Sugar and/or Alcohol Beforehand.
GiphyContrary to however your loved ones try to make you feel when people are in your house, you can set whatever rules/boundaries that you would like. When you’re going over to someone else’s place, though? Yeah…not so much. And if you already sense that there is potential for you having to use up more energy (or self-control) than you would like, there are a few things that you should consider doing before heading out of the door.
First, if you’re already a bit sleep-deprived (for whatever the reason), take a nap. Naps reduce stress, make you more alert, and help to boost your mood. Once you wake up, do 10 minutes or so of meditation. Meditating also relieves stress and anxiety, strengthens your willpower, and helps you to have more compassion toward others (well looka there — LOL).
And finally, try and keep sugar and alcohol to a minimum. Sugar is a stimulant that can make you feel good for a moment and then not so good once you crash from the rush. And alcohol? I mean, most of us have a relative who gets drunk AF over the holidays. It might be funny but it’s also hella awkward and sometimes leads to unnecessary drama. Why create what can be avoided?
5.Manage Your Expectations
GiphyOne of my favorite husbands has been married for about 20 years now. He always makes me laugh when he tells me what he says to his wife whenever she finds herself comparing them to other couples or she’s impatient about something that she wants: “Babe, you really need to lower your expectations.” And you know what? It works. LOL.
For any of you who want to challenge his statement, there is absolutely nothing wrong with lowering expectations — when they are unrealistic to begin with. And when it comes to this article, specifically, expecting people to be any different than they’ve been, shoot, ever since you’ve known them, is only setting you up to be frustrated…if not flat-out mad.
It is actually the actor Bruce Lee who once said, “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine” and, have mercy, I can only imagine how smoothly family/holiday events would go if everyone maintained that mindset while spending time with each other people. Try applying this mantra this year. See how it goes.
6.Know Your Limits (and Honor Them)
GiphyBoundaries are limits and there really is no point in having any if you’re not going to honor them — and by honoring them, that means articulating them and being okay with providing a “cause and effect” if they are violated. And what kind of boundaries should you consider setting?
Being someone’s child, grandchild, niece, etc. doesn’t make you A CHILD. Therefore, refuse to be spoken to in a way that is patronizing or condescending or that makes you think that someone’s advice is a directive. At this point in the game, it’s not.
Don’t say “yes” to something if you don’t really want to do it. Yes, you’re going to have to compromise; however, if you are being asked — or worse, told — to do something that you absolutely don’t want to do and yet fear or guilt is motivating you to do it, you are always going to be disrespected in this way. “Yes” is your right. “No” is too. Never forget that.
Refuse to overextend yourself. Spending more money than you have. Going above and beyond to the point where it’s going to take you two weeks to recover once the holidays are over. Doing things that will cause you to feel nothing more than resentful the entire time — none of this is healthy for your mind, body, or spirit — so why do it? All of us have a bandwidth. Constantly going past it is actually a form of disrespect.
Plan out responses for the out-of-pocket people. If for the past five years, your mother-in-law has said something crazy about your weight or mothering skills, don’t bite your tongue or rail on your husband afterward like you always do. This year, think about what an appropriate response would be (like “I really wish you wouldn’t bring that up anymore. It makes me uncomfortable.”). Oftentimes, what makes mountains out of molehills when it comes to dealing with family is people react out of emotion rather than logic and facts.
When someone runs over a boundary, address it. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting the same result, right? Keeping that in mind, I am a firm believer that it gets to the disrespect portion of the program once a boundary has been stated and then someone overrides it. So, if you’ve let people know a limit and they pretty much convey that they don’t care by being dismissive of it, don’t let it slide — bring it to their attention.
Whether they need time to adjust or they need to realize that not everyone is just gonna let them do…whatever, you deserve to enjoy the holidays knowing you’re going to be around people who are safe enough to respect your (reasonable) requests.
7.Reward Yourself Before — and After
GiphyPlease don’t feel bad if you’ve got some relatives that you love yet don’t like very much because more people actually feel this way than they would care to admit. Instead, if you know that you are going to have to be around those individuals this holiday season, plan a way to reward yourself for not dodging them before you see them and then for acting like a mature adult after interacting with them too.
Reward literally means “something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc.” and when you decide to exercise self-control, patience, and as much empathy as possible while dealing with difficult people, a day of binge-watching your favorite show, a scheduled massage or deciding to go phone-free for an entire weekend is more than warranted. You survived the crazy with class and grace. Give thanks, sis. Real talk.
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