Although I wouldn’t say that it’s exactly planned, there is a random social experiment that I find myself conducting — shoot, at least a couple of times a week (no exaggeration). It centers around the essential oil blend that I wear, how many times I am complimented on the scent, and how folks react whenever they ask me what it consists of. After I say, “Thank you” and then respond with, “I never tell” — that’s when the experiment gets underway because, boy, it is truly wild to see just how much humanity doesn’t like being told “no” or how uncomfortable it gets whenever boundaries are placed before it.
I say this because individuals will then reply with things like, “It smells like a hint of so-and-so and such-and such. Is that right?” or “It’s not that big of a deal. What is it?” or my personal pushy favorite: “You don’t tell? What does that mean? I’m just asking what you are wearing”, as they stand and wait for me to totally change my mind about what I already told them — which I don’t. And I won’t.
I heard you. The answer is “no.” Access to my own information is a privilege not a right. On any level.
Access. Pretty much any relationship that you have — no matter how surface level or deep it goes — comes with a certain amount of access to you, your life, and what you have to offer. What access means is that you have given another person the right or permission to approach you, speak to you (including how they speak to you), interact with you, learn about you…benefit from you. And do you know what the cool thing about that is?
If you don’t give someone the approval to do so and they try and proceed anyway…what they are pretty much doing is revealing to you that they should be DENIED ACCESS because, at the least, they are disrespecting you and, at the most, they are trying to utilize force — and either way, that is confirmation that they are someone who should be granted much access to you at all.
Have mercy. Can you imagine how much more energy you would have, how much more smoothly your interactions with others would go, and how much clarity you would actually get if you made the daily decision to apply the word “access” to your life? A game-changer and stress-reliever, indeed.
Keeping this point in mind, take a moment to read seven signs that there is a really good chance that someone (or several individuals) is out here having way more access to you than they actually should. That way, you can put some necessary boundaries in place for the sake of your overall health and well-being.
7 Signs Someone Has Too Much Access To You
1. They Act Entitled to You and Whatever You Have to Offer
GiphySomething that I spent quite a bit of time discussing in my latest book is how to deal with different kinds of narcissists (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It”) — especially familial and church-going ones. And y’all, even though I know that the word “narcissist” gets tossed around like confetti these days, please believe there’s a very telling sign that you’ve got one in your midst: they tend to feel like they are entitled to whatever you have; hell, even going so far as to act like you’re the problem whenever you remind them that they aren’t.
And what are some indicators of an entitled-acting person?
- They are quite arrogant and self-absorbed
- They are selfish as all get out
- They like to make ridiculous and/or unrealistic demands
- They don’t care if what they are expecting of you is problematic or an inconvenience to your world; they want it anyway
- They move in assumptions instead of requests
- They aren’t gracious or grateful
- They believe that they should be the exception to every rule — including your boundaries
And here’s the thing about entitled people (especially when they are narcissists as well): you’ll never be able to satisfy them because they are constantly wanting more — and feeling like you should be the one (or at least one of the ones) to give it to them. What that ultimately means is giving in to them all of the time is literally like “feeding the monster.”
Not only that but they are also pretty parasitic when it comes to your life because they tend to take far more than they give (more on that later). Yeah, entitled folks really can be the worst. And yes, if you’ve got these kinds of people in your world, it’s pretty much a given that they have way too much access to you than they ever should.
2. They Bogart About Your Business
GiphySpeaking of entitled ass individuals — I’ve got some relatives who think that just because they want to know certain things about my life (or life decisions) that they are automatically owed that information. Back when I was a younger adult, frankly, I was too scared to tell them that they weren’t. Now, though? Chile, please. Not only is ANY detail of my life privileged intel, but your opinion about whatever I choose or choose not to share is just that — an opinion. I don’t care what role/position you hold, how old (or how much older than I am) you are, or if you don’t agree with what I just said. I am grown, I have been for quite some time now, and I don’t need your permission to say or do what I choose to say or do.
When you’re dealing with people who think that your business should be their own and they press, nag, or pressure you about this very fact, that is also someone who has more access to you than they should — just by them having the balls to approach you in that fashion. Always remember that information creates levels of intimacy and you have every right to determine who has the right to get close to you and…who doesn’t. (By the way, the safe people are the ones who get and totally accept this poignant truth.)
3. They Think That Their Emergency Should Be Your Own
GiphyOne of my absolute favorite people in my world also reigns supreme when it comes to one of my peak pet peeves: they want you to be damn near immediately available to them whenever they reach out to you — oh, but getting them when you’re on the “need side”? It really is a literal crap shoot. It’s weird too because it’s not that this person isn’t someone who has my back. It’s just that…when I call them, there’s no telling if their ringer is on or if the phone is even in the same room that they are in and so if I happen to be in a bind, it could take them a series of minutes to find that out.
Meanwhile, if I don’t pick up when they call, they’re immediately sending texts to see why not. LOL. Know why? It’s basically because they’ve learned that I am far more accessible than they are — and it’s kind of got them feeling pretty bold about that.
Y’all, my friends know that if anyone has them in a clutch, I do. However, with folks like the friend that I’ve just mentioned, I’ve had to talk to them about the fact that just like they have a life, so do I — and what comes with that is the conclusion that just because something may be hella pressing to them, that doesn’t always and/or automatically mean that I should feel the same way.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are unnecessarily stressed out, far more than they ever should be, and it’s all because they believe that since someone else has an urgent matter they should share the load in the way that that person sees fit — and that’s simply not true.
I believe I’ve mentioned before that a lot of freedom came into my life once I learned the difference between who I am responsible for vs. who I am responsible to. That is its own article yet, for now, I’ll just say that you are responsible for yourself and, if you have children who aren’t adults, them. Everyone else, there are levels of accountability on the “to” point. Work that out for yourself and then move accordingly.
4. You Barely Have Any Boundaries Where They Are Concerned
GiphyI truly debated mentioning this one first because folks who choose not to honor your boundaries? And then you let them continue to do so? Oh, they sho ‘nuf have far too much access to you. Because I grew up with family members who moved like this, it was a long time before I realized that I don’t need to defend, explain, or justify WHY I set the limits that I do — and if I choose to expound, that is also privileged information because it’s certainly not a right for you to know why I decide for you to only have but so much space in my world.
To tell you the truth, that’s a big part of the reason why I continue to not have any social media accounts. Because I share so much of myself in my writing, I’m not interested in giving people I don’t even know the impression that they are entitled to know additional stuff about me or that they can ask certain things of me simply because they follow me on an IG page. I also have to be very careful with my clients in the sense that, although I am pretty casual in my approach, sometimes they have to be reminded that this is a work relationship, not a friendship; therefore, feeling like they should have access to me outside of our sessions isn’t accurate. Free time is for personal relationships.
Yet folks respecting boundaries goes way beyond that. When you tell people “no” or even “wait,” watch how they respond or react. If they’re irritated, or triggered or they try to get you to explain why you won’t do what they want (or why you won’t do it when they want you to), this is another example of them not respecting your boundaries. Indeed, as author Emma Gannon once said, “The only people who get upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them.” Pass the plate. 10 times.
5. The Mere Thought of Them Drains You
GiphySometime last year, three different people told me the exact same thing about one person: they don’t like to answer their calls because it is mentally and emotionally draining to do so. I know this individual and so I can vouch for the fact that it’s not because they aren’t smart, funny, or engaging — it’s just that (especially when they get a couple of drinks in them) they really should get into some therapy because they are also bitter about many things, they’re emotionally stagnant about several experiences and they seem to focus on their problems far more than working to find real and lasting solutions. And people like that? BOY ARE THEY DRAINING.
We all have moments when we need someone to listen to us vent. Still, sometimes shouldn’t be all of the time and they definitely shouldn’t try to make you feel bad when you simply don’t have the ear or shoulder to give. People who do?
You already know what I’m going to say — they definitely have way too much access to you because if they think that you should be their on-call counselor? Not only are they a form of an energy vampire, but they are also kind of manipulating you. I say this because people should be grateful when others make time for their issues, problems, and concerns; they never should demand someone’s compassion, empathy, or energy. Again, only energy vampires roll that way — and those people are absolutely exhausting on every level. For your own sanity, monitor how much access they have to you.
6. They Don’t Respect Your Time
GiphyMy damn twenties, boy. One day (hopefully soon), I’m going to write an article about how one of the biggest mistakes that young people make is thinking that 20-30 is when they should just jack off time and be reckless with their lives. For now, though, I’ll give an example of how I was back then — and how I was someone who didn’t respect other people’s time.
Back in the day, there was a couple in my life who also had a family, and boy, was I notorious for making plans with them…and then breaking them — without warning too. I mean that I would literally say that I am on my way for (say) dinner and then never show or call. Then when they would call me to see if I was okay and also tell me how foul I was for doing that, I would have the nerve to be irritated.
Immature. Selfish. Way too accessible to their lives. I was all of these things.
People who are constantly late. People who don’t keep appointments. People who are always making last-minute changes, who have a flippant attitude about your schedule, and/or will dismiss your need for time or space (for whatever the reason) — these are all examples of them not respecting your time which ultimately means that they don’t respect you…which also means that they have way too much access to you. Because why should someone be permitted into the time, effort, energy, and resources that you have to offer if they don’t even act as if your time and your being are valuable to them?
7. You Give More to Them than Your Damn Self
GiphyLet’s wrap this up with the fact that a healthy relationship has a healthy balance of give and take. That said, y’all, I used to be a bit of a tit-for-tat kind of person. What finally made me stop was realizing that I was acting that way because I was in a series of relationships where I was doing most of the giving. These days? My relationships are so seamless when it comes to reciprocity that, although my friends and I oftentimes give differently, we are there for each other, PERIOD.
One example of this is when my house burned down a few years back and then I lost one of my main paying gigs a month later, a friend of mine gave a generous amount towards the deposit of where I now live. It wasn’t a loan, it was a gift. Then, several months later, when they talked to me about needing to hire an assistant to do their scheduling and book some hotels while they were on the road, I volunteered to do it for free…indefinitely. If we were “measuring” things, I “paid off my debt” within the first three months of taking that on and that was years ago. Yet that isn’t the point: the point is that they came through when I needed them and I am here to do the same.
If when you think about your own relationships, there are people who you can’t feel this confident about, THEY HAVE WAY TOO MUCH ACCESS TO YOU. Even access should have some give and take to it — not just people who you grant permission to benefit from you while they refuse (because it is ALWAYS) a choice to do the same.
___
A dictionary definition of access is “the ability, right, or permission to approach, enter, speak with, or use.” A part of what comes with having self-respect is realizing that you have the power to decide who gets to approach you, enter into your life, speak to you, and utilize you.
Now that you see those who need to be “reeled back” some, what are you going to do about it?
For those who need access denied, that’s not a bad thing. It is a form of self-preservation.
One that you won’t regret. I can vouch for that a billion times over.
Happily and peacefully so.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Despite launching media careers from different pathways, the two New York-based women have forged a friendship where they can discuss their ambitions and challenges.
Both women are part of xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, recognized in the Viral Voices category for the impact they’ve made through storytelling, creativity, and authenticity. Together, they represent what it means to build an "It Girl" brand with integrity and depth. In the spirit of SheaMoisture’s "Yes, And" ethos, Les and Kayla embody the freedom to be multi-layered as women evolving boldly into every version of themselves.
This conversation has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity
On Forging Their Own Paths
Les Alfred: Being a Jane of all trades is incredibly challenging. And one of the challenges I've faced is that the scope of what podcasters now need to do has increased so much. When I first interviewed you in 2019, I was still very new at it, but I remember being on a Skype call with you from my bedroom in Seattle. That was how I ran the show. And that was good enough. That is absolutely not good enough these days. The scope and the quality keeps increasing, but the resources that you have don't necessarily increase in order to remain competitive.
I get asked so many questions from people who want to get into podcasts and they want to get started. Most of the time, I'm just like, 'I don't have tips for you.' Because, one, I don't know what it's like to start in this current environment. Two, I know what it takes to contend and be consistent in this environment. The barrier of entry is a lot higher in terms of having something of quality than it was before.
On Balancing Ambition and Rest
Kayla Greaves: I've had to make a very clear effort to slow down and just not take on as much. Yes, you're running a business, but you're also living your life. I had one of those days yesterday. I just laid down and listened to white noise for hours because I just needed my brain to just be clear. I called a friend. I cried.
I'm starting over again today. The sun is out. It's a new day. And that's just sometimes what you have to do. You can't show up for your audience or for other people, if you can't show for yourself. I think that creativity comes from a place of living your life and having genuine experiences, and then sharing those experiences through your art.
"I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally."
Courtesy
On Evolving Through Growth and Rebranding
Les: I didn't create Balanced Black Girl until 2018, but I started blogging and creating content and doing things under the Balanced brand in 2014. I was 24 years old at the time. Now, I'm 36. The things that were important to me, the perspective that I had and the stories I wanted to tell were entirely different. I think I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally. The show isn't really about wellness anymore. And that shift started happening a couple of years ago.
When we started expanding into more lifestyle topics, more self-help topics [and] talking about entrepreneurship, the audience responded really well. That was when the show really started to grow and take off. And that was what got so much more engagement than the episodes back in 2020 when I was doing hour-long deep dives on gut health.
Rebranding the show was something I've been thinking about for a long time. When I was finally like, 'Oh, I need to do this,' honestly, was the 2024 presidential election. I was like, these people are about to be in here acting crazy. I do not feel safe with my business name being what it is. I don't want to be targeted for any BS. We saw what they did to the Fearless Fund.
"You have to balance your integrity with your income."
Courtesy
On Integrity Over Income
Kayla: I have many other interests aside from beauty. I'm growing and I'm changing as a person. I'm not the same person I was when I started at InStyle in 2019 before the pandemic rocked everybody's world. I don't think reviewing every single lipstick that comes out is exciting or interesting, because everybody does it now, and everybody feels like they're qualified to speak on things that they're not qualified to speak on. I'm currently in that pain point of growth.
I don't think I have always been in environments where I've been encouraged to branch out on my own ideas. I finished Ina Garten’s memoir maybe a month ago. She kept repeating this quote in her book. She said, ‘What goes in early, goes in deep.’ Now that I'm on my own and I don't have the resources of a traditional media company, which is what I have become accustomed to, sometimes it's difficult for me to be like, 'Okay, just go ahead with the thing.'
I think, Les, just the other day, you reposted somebody saying that they let go of a five-figure deal and then got double the next day because it just didn't feel aligned for them. Those are the things that happen. I have to find a balance of, 'Okay, how do I keep myself afloat?' And that may mean I may not be balling out of control just yet, but I'm okay for now. I can buy myself nice things every once in a while, but you have to balance your integrity with your income.
Les: There are just certain lines that I'm not willing to cross. Especially when I created more wellness content, one of those lines was I will not promote any sort of weight loss product. All of these GLP-1s all want to advertise on my podcast. I actually have nothing against those types of products, but I don't ever want someone to look at what I'm putting into the world and think that I'm saying that they need to feel a certain way about their bodies.
Even if the money is great, that's not for me to say, and that's not the type of message that I want to put out here. Or, I had another kind of brand deal come through that would have required me to divulge things about my personal life that I just don't really want my audience knowing about me, and bringing them along on journeys that I just find personal and I want to keep offline. I don’t want to be known for dragging my mess all over the internet for a buck.
I don't want to be known for being an influencer. I would love to be 1,000% in on my podcast, scale it, have it grow to be a media empire where I'm producing and putting out other bodies of work. For now, until that other side of the business really picks up and gets to the point where I want it to be, I kind of need to play the influencer game a little bit to live in this expensive city. But I'm gonna do it on my terms. It's a constant compromise that I'm coming to with myself.
"You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do."
Courtesy
On Mutual Admiration and Friendship
Les: Something that I really admire about you in having known you for the past couple of years is you don't wait for a roadmap. You jump in, you roll up your sleeves, and you do it. You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do.
Kayla: Well, first of all, I want to say thank you for saying that, because that means so much to me, and it's very affirming. That's exactly how I feel about you. I remember, even at your first live show, you're like, ‘Oh my god, I'm so stressed. I don't know what I'm doing.’ And, the shit sold out. And, you know, and now, like, you see the growth of the podcast. And you have nearly 61,000 subscribers on YouTube. I just checked recently.
I talk a lot about people that really just need to not say anything on the internet, because it's so frustrating as somebody who grew up as a traditional journalist. You want people to fact check and ask thoughtful questions and have good conversations. I've never said that about you. I've always loved your podcast. And I've sent a lot of your episodes to friends when they're going through specific things that you're talking about.
This season has been a little bit slower to me, so you've been a constant source of inspiration, and it's just been such a pleasure to see your podcast grow despite the challenges you've had. I know it's not easy, but you continue to grow and continue to push through, and I really admire that as somebody who sat and cried yesterday and listened to white noise.
And this is why I tell you all the time, you really do inspire me. I love you a lot.
Les: Oh my gosh, I love you a lot. I'm so glad that the podcast brought us together.
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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