Although, thankfully, I've always had pretty good health, something that I constantly have to stay on top of is my fungal sensitivity. It's the reason why I am more vulnerable to getting yeast infections. It's why I once got tinea versicolor on one of my feet. It's even how I end up with mild cases of eczema behind the back of both of my ears when either my immune system is worn out or I've been eating more sugar than I should. And you know what all of these things actually have in common at the end of the day? Candida.
While there is a lot that I could say when it comes to explaining all of what candida is, the most basic explanation I can probably offer is it's a kind of yeast that's considered to be a fungus. All of us have it. It lives both outside and inside of the body. And, when it's not off the chain, it's perfectly harmless. However, when one's immune system is low or compromised (or we've got too much sugar in our system), this fungus/bacteria can grow out of control and cause all kinds of health issues.
That's what we're gonna talk about today. Eight telling signs that candida could very well be overtaking your body and what you should do if that is indeed the case.
1. Yeast Infection
When it comes to the signs that you've got some sort of a candida overgrowth, a yeast infection is probably what tops the list. In fact, it's been reported that a whopping 3 out of 4 women will get at least one infection over the course of their lifetime. If you've never had one, first of all, lucky you. Yeast infections can be pure madness! Anyway, it's when a fungal infection takes over your genitals (and sometimes other places on your body; I've had one underneath my breasts before because yeast likes to grow in warm and damp areas) which leads to irritation, itching, burning and/or really thick discharge. Some yeast infections are mild in the sense that an over-the-counter medication can treat it. Other times, it's more complex (like if you're pregnant, you've got diabetes or you get more than four a year) and requires a prescription like Diflucan (also known as Fluconazole) to treat it.
Although yeast infections are relatively harmless, the itching can be so unbearable that you won't want to ignore it. So, if you do think that you've got one and you've never had a yeast infection before, make an appointment to see your doctor or even go to a local clinic to get it confirmed. The reason why this is an important step is because, if you self-diagnose and it's not a yeast infection, sometimes stuff like Monistat can make what you've really got a lot worse. On the other hand, if you have had a yeast infection before, you can usually treat it with an over-the-counter medication.
Just make sure that you also amp up on probiotics (so that "good bacteria" can take over the bad that has led to the infection). You might also want to eat more fresh garlic (it's a powerful antifungal food), soak in the tub with a cup of apple cider vinegar in it (it contains properties that kill yeast) and apply some organic coconut oil to the infected area; it actually fights C. albicans which is the specific kind of yeast that tends to be present in yeast infections. Oh, and since tea tree oil is a potent antifungal and anti-inflammatory essential oil, it can't hurt to add a drop or two of it to your coconut oil as well. If all goes well, you should start to feel noticeable results within 48 hours or so.
2. Sugar Cravings
Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Ever Wonder If You've Got A Low-Key Sugar Addiction?". I've actually read many articles that say the top addiction in this country is indeed the white sweet stuff. Anyway, one of the reasons why it's a sign that you could have some candida overgrowth going on is because something that candida thrives off of is sugar (and starch). The more that you eat, the greater the yeast becomes. It's actually kind of a vicious cycle. So, if you're out here constantly drinking soda, eating bread, and having a couple of servings of dessert, not only are you putting yourself on the path to becoming diabetic, you very well could have too much candida in your body.
One way to test this out is to go without sugary foods for a couple of weeks. Drink water. Consume more protein (it can help to curb cravings). When you do desire something sweet, go for a fresh piece of fruit. Take a multivitamin (it can balance out some nutrient deficiencies that you might have). De-stress (we oftentimes run to sugar as a way to cope with our triggers). Get some rest.
Sugar detoxing isn't easy yet once your system recalibrates a bit, you may notice that it's easy to go without some of the foods that you once longed for. You'll also start to feel better because candida isn't overtaking your body.
3. Moodiness
Here's the deal about this one. 80 percent of your immune system is in your gut and when there is an overgrowth of candida in that part of your body, it can slow down the production of serotonin in your system. When that happens, oftentimes the result is irritability, mood swings and even low-grade depression. So, if you've been in a foul mood, you can't fully pinpoint why and yet there are some French fries, ice cream or a glass of wine in your hand, even as you're reading this, you might want to do the same things I mentioned when it comes to sugar cravings. Because, while you could be moody due to some sort of circumstance, it might be that candida is wreaking havoc…without you even knowing it.
4. Joint Discomfort
OK, so say that you've had a yeast infection for a while that you've ignored because the itching has been tolerable. While it is true that yeast infections, for the most part, are harmless, one thing that you do need to keep in mind is sometimes, when they are left untreated, the infection can hit your bloodstream. When this happens, it can actually result in hospitalization. Or, you could end up feeling some level of joint discomfort. As a matter of fact, there is actually something that exists called candida arthritis that can result in pain and stiffness in your joints; it can even lead to bone infections.
While this is actually more common than people might think, once yeast has hit your bloodstream, it can be really difficult to get rid of. So, if your joints have been bothering you lately and you can't attribute it to anything specific, please see your doctor. Out of all of the things on this list, joint discomfort that's related to candida overgrowth isn't something that should be self-diagnosed or DIY treated. Not even a lil' bit.
5. Sinus Infections
Allergy season is definitely upon us. Well, when it comes to sinus infections, did you know that while many of them are due to some form of bacteria, there are some that are actually fungal infections that are triggered by the overgrowth of candida? And here's the real clincher—if you do have a candida-related sinus infection, the antibiotics that are given to treat a bacterial one won't even work; it could even make the infection worse.
So, what's a sign that you have a sinus infection that could be brought on by candida? If it happens to last for four weeks or more. Whew. I'm not sure how anyone is able to endure that but if that's you, you need to see your doctor. You might want to consider a homeopath as well so that you can get on a regimen that holistically cleanses you of candida, so that you're not constantly treating the symptoms without getting to a core cure.
6. Oral Thrush
Oral thrush is kind of like having a yeast infection in your mouth (because again, you can get a yeast infection in other parts of your body; for the record, men can get yeast infections too). The main symptom of oral thrush is your tongue will typically have a white coat and/or white bumps on the tongue, inner cheeks, tonsils and/or throat. While this kind of infection is most common in babies and seniors, it can still happen to anyone, so make sure to periodically check your mouth to see if anything looks (or feels) abnormal. (By the way, a healthy tongue is pale pink and has no sores or discomfort.)
If it looks like you could have a bout of oral thrush, it's important that you see your doctor, just to be sure. If they agree, they will usually prescribe some sort of antifungal medication. If you're someone who would prefer to see if you can treat oral thrush at home, first, get some fresh toothbrushes to brush your teeth (and throw them away once the infection is gone). Do sea saltwater rinses twice a day (yeast doesn't fare well with salt). Eat some sugar-free probiotic yogurt; the coolness of the yogurt will soothe your mouth and the good bacteria will help to health the infection. If there are no cuts or sores in your mouth, drink some fresh lemon juice. Lemons contain antiseptic and antifungal properties that kill this kind of fungus. Also, create an oral mix out of clove oil. Clove oil is one of the most potent antiseptics around when it comes to treating oral thrush and anything that ultimately leads to oral decay.
7. Skin/Nail Fungus
Remember how I said that I got a yeast infection underneath my breasts before? I am currently sitting at a 36H. Yep, these girls ain't playin'. And while I do lift them up to clean up under there, I don't always lift them all the way up to look around. Well, a couple of years back, the skin started to feel so raw underneath my left one that I did and chile—there was a purple damp semi-circle and it was indeed a yeast infection. Between the sweating from the summer weather and my breasts being held hostage in my big ass bras, candida had indeed taken over. That's why it's important to keep in mind that you can get a fungal infection in any spot that might be warm or moist (even your armpits, if you're not careful). The main reason this is able to happen so easily is because again, candida lives both outside and inside of the body. This is why it's so important to keep your skin clean and dry, so that you can avoid things like ringworm, athlete's foot or nail fungal infections.
There are drug store remedies for skin and nail fungal infections. You might want to also apply the coconut and tea tree oil combo that I mentioned earlier to where your skin is irritated. Or, if it's your nails that are giving you grief, some folks would do commercials for the effectiveness of soaking nails in Listerine (thanks to the high amount of menthol, thymol and eucalyptus that's in it). If an at-home treatment doesn't clear up in about a week, see your doctor. Sometimes, by the time the infection has set in, it needs medication that you can't get without a prescription.
8. Fatigue
One way that I know when candida is trying to overtake my system is when I feel constantly drained, no matter what I do. While some medical professionals do not believe that the two things are directly linked, what most can agree on is when there is too much of this fungus in the body, it can weaken one's immunity (which would make you tired) and it can result in some nutritional deficiencies such as B vitamins and magnesium (which can also make you tired).
As we close this article out, I'm pretty sure you can guess what you need to do to deal with candida overgrowth that is causing you to feel like you're gonna pass out all day long. Build up your immune system (check out "Ready To Try 10 Quick & Easy Immune-Boosting Hacks?"). Consider taking a B-complex and magnesium supplement (or eat B foods like poultry, eggs and dark leafy greens along with foods high in magnesium such as dark chocolate, avocados and nuts). Stay away from foods that feed candida such as sugar, fermented foods, dairy, alcohol and caffeine. Eat foods that actually starve candida such as coconut oil, ginger and salmon. And put your body on a sleep schedule so that you can see if the "candida diet" is actually working.
I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you read all of this and was like, "Damn. I just might have a candida infection." That's the bad news. The good news is now you know the steps to take to do something about it. Please make sure that you do.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out? - xoNecole ... ›
- Worst Foods For Your Vagina - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- Common Signs Of Nutrient Deficiency - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Can Trigger Eczema: Common Triggers - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 8 Best Probiotic Sodas Of 2023: Good Gut Health, Kombucha - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
Focusing On This One Word Can Be A Total Marriage Game-Changer
A few days ago, while watching a YouTube live, a guy got on to give a semi-rant about 1) why he doesn’t think that marriage is a partnership and 2) how he really wishes that people would stop using the word “partner” for that type of relational dynamic. Boy, oh boy, if there is one thing that I truly loathe about social media, it’s the fact that people have really gotten so caught up in how words are used by random folks on various platforms that they forget (or did they ever really even know?) what actual dictionary definitions are.
Take partner, for example. People who are engaged in the same activity are considered to be partners. Those who dance and/or play together are considered to be partners. Individuals who are engaged in a romantic relationship are considered to be partners. Folks who are on the same side are considered to be partners. And yes, another word for spouse is — wait for it — partner. So, what in the world is wrong with the word “partner” as it relates to marriage? According to the dictionary, absolutely nothing — and I’ll go with that resource over some bitter TikToker any day of the week.
Thankfully, not all of social media is lost when it comes to knowing the meaning and origin of words. Take one of my favorite platforms, Beleaf in Fatherhood, for instance. Although I have watched this Black family-friendly platform for a few years now, Glen’s post last month that was entitled, “Why I Left YouTube and Moved To A Farm,” reminded me that one of the things I enjoy so much about the channel is how “word intentional” everyone on there tends (or at least tries) to be.
This definitely includes when Glen also recently posted a video entitled, “She Has to Make Home Cooked Meals in the Hotel Room” — one that pretty much praised his wife for close to 12 minutes straight. In it, he said something that let me know that he knew exactly what he was saying — and why.
And y’all, if you’re someone who happens to be married, I think the same word could really breathe new life (and perspective) into your marriage as well. That is, if you allow it to.
Married Couples Aren’t Always Gonna Agree…And That Is Okay. Beneficial, Even.
GiphyAt the end of this article, I will post the second video that I just referred to, mostly because I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch for yourself. However, the main thing that Glen said that inspired this post is, as he was paying attention to all of the steps that his wife was taking to make not-just-any-ole’ pancakes for the family vs. what his method would probably be, he said, “Although we don’t agree, we are aligned.”
Listen. LISTEN. As someone who’s been working with married couples for two decades at this point, that got me right in the gut. Lawd, how I wish that more people would get that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean that you always have to AGREE (have the same views or emotions about things)…the goal should be to make sure that you always remain ALIGNED, though.
And why shouldn’t agreement be the main priority? To me, I look at agreement in a marriage a lot like I look at perfectionism for individuals — it’s simply unrealistic. Just because you selected someone to “do life with” or, as Scripture calls it (Genesis 2:24-25), “become one” with, that doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are identical — and that alone means that the two of you will not agree all of the time.
In fact, there is plenty of science out here that says that disagreements and conflict can be good for your personal and relational development because they can do the following things:
- Conflict can help you see things from another perspective
- Conflict can teach you how to become a better listener
- Conflict can show you where you need to brush up on your communication skills
- Conflict can help you to master controlling your emotions (and your tongue)
- Conflict can show you how to set and respect boundaries
- Conflict can reveal where you need to show humility (like when to apologize, for example)
- Conflict can help you to become a better problem solver
- Conflict can teach you the art of negotiation and compromise
- Conflict can show you how to see the bigger picture
- Conflict can reveal where you need to mature and evolve as a person
Yeah, anyone who thinks that a relationship should be conflict-free is not only someone who is living in a dream world; they also tend to be a great example of where I am coming from when I say, “Many people are not looking for a PARTNER; they are looking for an AUDIENCE.” Meaning, that they don’t want someone who is going to help them, sometimes through conflicts and disagreements, to become a better individual; they simply want a “yes” person who is going to go along with what they say all of the time. SMDH.
Okay, but what about another Scripture that asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 — NKJV)
Good question, and to that, I will say, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re considering getting married soon, you mostly definitely need to be in agreement when it comes to some core things like your value systems; how you see family; if you have similar goals and insights when it comes to finances; if you esteem marriage in the same way; boundaries that need to be set with each other and other people (including and sometimes especially family); how a household should be ran; if you see the future in a similar way and honestly, if you’re on similar pages about religion/faith (or at least can you live in harmony if your belief systems are different — check out “6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship”).
By ignoring how important it is to have similar views on matters as big as these, you can end up being in unnecessary conflict — and yes, as much as a home can start off in peace and with a sense of harmony, the better. After all, “until death parts us” is a really (REALLY) long time.
Beyond that, though, again, it’s okay to not always agree. The goal, instead, should be alignment.
Let’s explore the difference for a bit.
You Can Disagree in a Productive Way…When Your Ultimate Goal Is to Be ALIGNED
GiphyI wouldn’t be surprised at all if the only time when you actually hear about alignment is when folks are talking about the universe or planets (which basically means that they appear to bein a straight line). However, when it comes to what we are discussing today, when two people are aligned, alignment means “to bring into cooperation or agreement with a particular group, party, cause, etc.” In other words, being aligned doesn’t “just happen” — mutual effort is required.
That’s actually why I like the word so much because, literally, cooperate means “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.”
Yep, when married folks want a peaceful dynamic, they strive to cooperate with one another for the sake of a common purpose or benefit…even if there are some disagreements along the way. And, in order to do that, they have to remember how important it is to be aligned with one another — and then be willing to put in the necessary effort.
And how does that transpire? Well, here are some synonyms for align that particularly stand out to me:
1. Ally:
Allies “unite formally,” and boy, are there times when I wonder if my clients are allies or enemies. SMDH. When two individuals have both decided that, no matter what, they are going to stand as a united front, they really can get through just about anything. Period.
2. Troubleshoot:
How cool is it that “troubleshoot” is a synonym for align? I adore that because troubleshooting is all about discovering ways to eliminate problems or malfunctions — yes, even in a relationship. And here’s the thing about troubleshooting: oftentimes, you have to be willing to try several different approaches and methods, all the while BEING PATIENT until you find what works for the both of you or for the problem overall…even if that means following your spouse when you would prefer to do your own thing (follow is another synonym, by the way).
3. Adjust:
People who can make adjustments are people who are flexible; they are not so rigid in their way of thinking that they aren’t willing to shift in order to reach a common goal. So many people can’t make their marriage work or last due to this one necessary skill alone.
4. Accommodate:
One of my favorite definitions of accommodate is “to make suitable.” When you watch the video of Yvette making the pancakes for her family, because they are in a hotel in Mexico, she has to make some accommodations, i.e., make some adjustments, in order to get the job done. Would it be easier at home? Yes, yet the objective is to do her best with what she has. Mature individuals get that this should be the ultimate objective of marriage too. Be willing to make accommodations. Again, mutually so.
5. Sympathize:
“Sharing in the feelings” of your partner is what sympathizing is all about. Hmph. You’d be amazed by how much peace can come to a stressful situation if both people are simply willing to understand how the other individual feels about it — and then validate that emotion.
6. Mend:
“Mend” is such a bomb word for marriage. That’s because mending is about making things whole, repairing what’s been damaged, removing defects, making progress, and setting things right. I know far too many people who married conflict-makers instead of menders. Singles, if you are tiptoeing in on this, if you are not with someone who displays very clear “mending” characteristics — you need to totally reconsider the relationship. TRUST ME.
7. Improve:
I adore this word as well because Glen said that although he and Yvette may not always have the same views or emotions on things (agree) because they are aligned, they seek out how to improve matters and each other — and improve means “to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.” You know what this means? Sometimes, a disagreement, when done well, can actually make things better than before.
When mutual respect, patience, and a desire to make things even “more excellent” is what the husband and wife want, that is exactly what can happen.
____
And all of this is why I say that if married couples are willing to apply the word “align” to their relationship, there can be so much more understanding, growth, and even love that can take place — because when you get that you don’t have to be the same, you just have to ultimately desire similar things for the relationship…you can be so much more effective in your approach.
So, if you’re ready for a healthier dynamic: GET INTO ALIGNMENT.
A game-changer, for the better, indeed.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images