

The month begins with a mystical Full Moon in Pisces inviting us to surrender our plans to align with those of the Divine. Your popularity is getting you places when Venus enters Leo, making you a recipient for good fortune and generosity from others. On the 9th, Mars goes retrograde encouraging you to slow down a bit to reassess how you've been expending your energy. The New Moon is a great time to implement a healthier approach to managing stress and anxiety.
When the Sun joins Mercury in Libra, the focus is on revising contracts and balancing relationships—whether that be with another person, your work, and even yourself. On the 27th, Mercury enters Scorpio, encouraging you to nurture the connections you'd like to develop more intimacy with. At the end of the month, Saturn joins Jupiter direct, helping you honor your limits moving forward.
Check out what your horoscopes have in store for the month of September.
Aries
September begins with a transcendent Full Moon helping you embrace the chapter that is closing in your life with grace. When Venus enters Leo, you're encouraged to invite more play into your life. What activities and hobbies is your inner child yearning to explore? Your ruling planet, Mars, begins its retrograde on the 9th, inviting you to get a little selfish as you prioritize more time for pursuing what you're passionate about. On the 17th, the New Moon supports you in establishing healthier habits, making this the perfect time to develop mind-body awareness.
The Sun meets up with Mercury on the 22nd, drawing your focus to contracts, clients, and your significant other during the next month. Renegotiating the terms of agreement and discussing potential business moves with your partner are encouraged at this time. Towards the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are both direct, helping you move forward in your career endeavors with a more grounded perspective of your limitations. Remember, babe—it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. You might as well enjoy yourself along the way.
Taurus
We enter September with a revealing Full Moon gifting you with foresight into your future and the people you need to surround yourself with to bring your vision to reality. Remember—teamwork makes the dream work! When Venus enters Leo, you may be feeling some pressure to relocate or make some adjustments to your current living environment. Be mindful of family being more demanding of your time or even a little dramatic over the next few weeks. During Mars retrograde, you're challenged to develop a little more patience and compassion—not only for others but yourself as well.
Your creative genius is at a peak when Jupiter and Uranus meet up around the 12th, giving you the leading edge when it comes to expanding your business and establishing more wealth. The New Moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds for your next creative project, leading you to an abundant harvest. On the 22nd, the Sun and Mercury bring your focus to creating more balance in your daily routine. Getting the bag is important but so is your health. Towards the end of the month, you're encouraged to renegotiate contracts and establish better boundaries within a close relationship. On the 29th, Saturn joins Jupiter, empowering you to advocate for your growth by trusting your inner guide and committing to your goals.
Gemini
September kicks off with a sensitive Full Moon encouraging you to establish better energetic boundaries between yourself and your career as you rise to new heights. When Mercury enters Libra, it's time to balance out your life with some fun. Hit up your girls for a happy hour, go on a date, or do something creative (and completely unproductive). Social media is a powerful money-making tool for you once Venus enters Leo. Your presence is even more dynamic than usual, which could attract some new opportunities your way.
On the 9th, Mars goes retro, giving you a chance to reevaluate any recent tension between you and some folks in your social circle. Don't feel bad for choosing to focus on yourself to avoid the drama.The New Moon is a good time to clean and organize your home. What do you need to get rid of or bring into your sanctuary to put your mind at ease? Towards the end of the month, Mercury shifts gears, bringing your focus to your sexual and reproductive health, making it a perfect time to schedule your annual screening. When Saturn links up with Jupiter direct on the 29th, you're embracing the power of your sexual energy and the ability it has to transform, and heal, your life.
Cancer
September kicks off with a magical Full Moon shining in the spotlight. Release that novel, launch that workshop, or start that mentorship program. You are wise beyond your years and people are eager to receive the wealth of information that you have to share. Family matters may get a little tense when Mercury enters Libra. Don't feel guilty about asserting some boundaries. It's not your job to take care of everyone. When Mars goes retro, you'll be feeling some pressure when it comes to climbing up the ranks in your chosen career. Exerting too much energy may be futile, so try to strategize a way to work smarter, not harder.
When Jupiter enters Capricorn, promising business partnerships and opportunities are on the table. The New Moon on the 17th is a great time to start learning a new skill that can help you establish a more solid financial foundation for your future. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, bringing your focus to beautifying your living environment and harmonizing with the people you live with. This is also a supportive time to browse the market for your next home or to invest in a property to gain some passive income. Love matters get steamy when Mercury moves into Scorpio. Be mindful of overly-suspicious, and borderline obsessive, thoughts about your romantic interest. The month wraps up with Saturn going direct and you potentially taking a relationship to the next level. Do I hear wedding bells in the air?
Leo
Your intuition and your emotions are a little more sensitive than usual, thanks to the Full Moon at the beginning of the month. Use discernment to gauge whether there's more than meets the eye or if you're just being a little paranoid. When Venus enters your sign on the 6th, you're a magnet for good fortune and a lot of attention, making this a good time to revamp your appearance in some way. During Mars retro, you're invited to connect with the power of your spiritual allies to help you move the proverbial mountains in your life. The New Moon on the 17th is a supportive time for monetizing any talents you've been sleeping on. Your gifts are meant to be used in service for yourself and others.
On the 22nd, Mercury meets up with the Sun, helping you boost your social media presence and your influence over others. Use your power wisely. Be mindful of family tension when Mercury enters Scorpio. Secrets may be revealed that result in you questioning someone's motives. If you're signing a lease or buying a home around this time, pay close attention to the fine print! By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn link up to help you get more serious about your health and that bad habit that needs to be kicked to the curb. Remember, babe—it's mind over matter and you've got what it takes to come out on top (and looking good AF when you do).
Virgo
Your birthday month begins with a mystical Full Moon inviting you to align with some powerful allies that you can make magic with. Don't be surprised if you've outgrown some connections that no longer seem to fit in your life. Let them go with love and continue on with your glow up. When Mercury enters Libra, you're focused on securing the bag and possibly a contract that can help you achieve your financial goals. Love matters are a little more quiet this month when Venus enters Leo. You could be attracting lots of affection and gifts from some unexpected sources. During Mars retro, you'll be feeling motivated to find healthy outlets for your anger. Opt for busting a nut instead of busting somebody over the head.
It's time to make a wish and blow out the candles on your New Moon. Set an intention for something you'd like to see come to fruition by the Full Moon in Virgo during Pisces season. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, placing a spotlight on those hidden gifts of yours. Don't be shy, boo! It's time to shine and monetize! This is also a favorable time for renegotiating outdated contracts as well. When Mercury enters Scorpio, you may find that everyone wants to tell you their secrets. Uphold your integrity and keep your lips sealed. There could even be a project that you're working on behind the scenes as you await the perfect opportunity to reveal it to the world. By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are meeting up to help you take a more practical approach to your creative endeavors that will assure your success and establish your legacy for many years to come.
Libra
If you've been having a hard time breaking that stubborn habit, the Full Moon on the 2nd helps you experience the clarity and breakthrough needed to make a shift in your lifestyle. When Mercury enters your sign, you're encouraged to find a more balanced approach to managing that busy schedule of yours. Reach out to someone in your social circle that has the expertise you need so you can delegate that heavy load of responsibilities. Enhancing your online presence is also supported while Venus is in Leo. During Mars retro, you're invited to check in with yourself and your ever-changing needs. Are your relationships still serving you in a way that is mutually beneficial?
The New Moon on the 17th encourages you to reflect and rest. What mental baggage do you need to drop so you can start living your life with less judgement? Your birthday season officially begins on the 22nd, motivating you to assert yourself and your needs in a way that assures your ultimate fulfillment. Towards the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are linking up, making this a supportive time to move forward with those home renovations, a relocation, or property investments that can help you establish wealth for you and the generations to come.
Scorpio
Romance takes front and center stage at the beginning of the month. This Full Moon has you inspired to express your love through a song, a poem, or even some weird interpretative dance routine that your lover can't resist. This energy is super fertile for you, so if you're ready for a baby, now's the time to shoot your shot. When Mercury enters Libra, you'll be balancing out the scales of karma which could result in some endings. Trust that whatever, or whoever, is exiting your life is meant to do so at this time. When Venus enters Leo, you're feeling the pressure to make some changes in your career. Be mindful of butting heads with an authority figure as this may be the very thing that blocks your blessings.
During Mars retrograde, you may find yourself having difficulty expressing your anger. Don't internalize but don't project either. Exercise and meditation will be your best friends during this transit. On the 17th, the New Moon encourages you to expand your social network and strategize new ways to enhance your presence online. When the Sun enters Libra, it's time to prioritize rest in preparation for your birthday season. You're invited to stay low and build when Mercury moves into your sign on the 27th. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn challenging you to be more communicative about your personal boundaries instead of assuming people are just as psychic as you are.
Sagittarius
The Full Moon at the beginning of the month has you focused on home and family. Be mindful of brewing tension with your kinfolk or roommates. Sometimes it's best to take the high road instead of trying to get your point across to someone that's not open to hearing you out. When Venus enters Leo, opportunities to travel abroad and make some extra cash can present themselves to you. On the 9th, Mars goes retro, inviting you to validate your inner child and some of the frustrations you're feeling. Maybe you've been working a little too hard and need some time to play.
The New Moon could find you receiving a promotion or rising up within the ranks of your chosen career. A good leader doesn't just boss folks around. They're also willing to be of service to others. Embrace this approach to assure your success. On the 22nd, Mercury and the Sun meet up, making this a good time to connect with friends and share your goals with people that can help you achieve your dreams. By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are helping you achieve financial gain through a healthy balance of curiosity and discipline.
Capricorn
The month kicks off with a healing Full Moon helping you resolve some communication barriers between you and others. When you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, you can experience more meaningful interactions with others. When Venus enters Leo, you're feeling more courageous when it comes to nurturing more emotionally intimate connections. It's time to put the tough bravado aside to receive the support you pretend you don't want. During Mars retro, you'll need to learn healthier ways to express any frustrations you have with family members or roommates. If your living circumstances are undesirable, take accountability for what you need to do to change things.
The New Moon on the 17th supports your interest in expanding your knowledge, making this a good time to apply to school or enroll in that workshop that can take your skills to the next level. On the 22nd, Mercury and the Sun link up bringing your focus to career. You could be experiencing a major achievement that deserves some celebration. Gon' head and pop that fancy bottle of wine open in honor of the moves you're making. When Mercury enters Scorpio, a friend may come to you bearing a secret. Honor the code and keep your mouth shut to avoid any drama later down the line. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn meeting up in your sign, helping you recognize just how far you've come and also how much further you need to go. Remember—it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. You might as well enjoy the ride.
Aquarius
September kicks off with a magical Full Moon that could have you in the spotlight sharing your gifts with the world (and making some extra coin, too). When Mercury enters Libra, you're making plans for that next stamp on your passport to shake the COVID cabin fever. Your relationships are your greatest teachers this month when Venus enters Leo. Don't be afraid to ask for more or seek your sustenance through new connections that generously provide you with the support that you desire. On the 9th, Mars goes retrograde and you may find it difficult to express your anger in a productive way. Getting to the root of your rage will help you avoid projecting onto others.
The New Moon invites you to explore the voice of your inner critic. You may be surprised to find out that the source isn't even you. Schedule a session with your therapist to help you discover who the culprit is if you don't already know. When the Sun enters Libra, you could find yourself going back to school or in the position of a teacher to others. Brush up on your expertise so you feel more confident in your presentation. Use more discretion when Mercury enters Scorpio on the 27th. Everyone ain't gotta know your business when it comes to the career moves you're making. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn, helping you establish a better relationship between rest and work. Rome wasn't built overnight, babe. It's OK to take your time.
Pisces
The spotlight is on you with the Full Moon in your sign on the 2nd. Don't be shy, babe. It's time to share your magic with the world. When Venus enters Leo, you're focused on loving that beautiful physical vessel of yours. Pamper yourself with a lavish self-care routine, get back into working out, and feed your body with the sustenance you need to thrive. On the 9th, Mars goes retro encouraging you to reel in the impulsive spending so you can achieve some of those financial goals you have, whether that's paying off debt or saving money for a major purchase later this year.
The New Moon on the 17th invites you to set the intention for your ideal business partnership or client relationship. It's also a good time to consider what traits you desire in a committed romantic connection. Does your current love interest have what it takes to go the long haul with you? On the 22nd, Mercury meets up with the Sun, helping you get clear about the emotional baggage you need to release to come into more balance. It's time to let go of the outdated narrative where you give so much of yourself to the detriment of your own well-being. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, you could find yourself teaching others about spiritual topics you're well-versed in. This is also a good time to take a secluded getaway by yourself or with someone you want to become more intimate with. The month comes to a close with Jupiter and Saturn, helping you get clear about your boundaries with people in your social circle. A much-needed reality check will help you determine who you should (or shouldn't) be investing your energy into.
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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