Pucker Up Y’all, Today Is National Kissing Day.
I remember when I had my first kiss. Technically, it was when I was in the first grade. A cute and popular—as popular as you can be when you're no older than 7—blonde cutie pie named Michael lined all of the girls along the fence on our playground and smooched us. Hmph. When I think back on that now, it's a little weird. Anyway, that was the first time a little boy put his lips on mine. Now my first kiss with tongue? That was around 12-13. His name was Loren. It was while we were in New Orleans for a church conference. That kiss was so…I guess, "moving" is the appropriate word that we talked off and on until our freshman year in college.
Moral to the story? No matter what age you are, kissing is pretty powerful because, be honest, you can probably recall your first kiss too! And because swapping spit (relatively speaking) is such a profound experience, it makes perfect sense that there would be an entire day that's entirely dedicated to it.
As far as kissing from a scientific standpoint, I already penned a piece on 15 random kissing facts a while ago. Today, I want to approach kissing from an entirely different angle. Where did French kissing come from? I'm about to tell you. What makes or breaks a kiss? We're gonna touch on that as well. Is there an actual kissing etiquette? Let's look and see.
Hopefully, by the time you're done reading—or at least skimming—all of this, you'll have a new appreciation for kissing and, more importantly, who kisses you.
Let’s Look at Some Different Kinds of Kisses
Is a kiss just a kiss? Not really. I did some research—including a little asking around—and found out that there are at least a dozen different kinds to choose from. Kisses like ones that are planted on the forehead and cheeks, along with the oh-so-cute (at least I think so) Eskimo kiss (you know, rubbing noses) is about expressing heartfelt affection. When a man kisses a woman on her hands or eyelids, supposedly that shows that he is quite smitten. Earlobe and neck kisses are acts of foreplay (by the way, if you wonder where hickeys came from, we got it from animals. You can read more about that here).
Then there's the French kiss. Where did that term originate? From what I've read, the word "galocher", until very recently, was a slang French word that meant "kissing with tongues". But this kind of kissing didn't actually start in France. The original term was the Florentine kiss; it's what American and British soldiers did when they greeted their significant others when they returned home from World War I. But because we naturally associate the French with being passionate, they get the reputation for coming up with this kind of kissing when, in all actuality, it was us. Salute.
What Makes a Kiss Hot?
Now that we've broken a few kisses down, let's talk about what makes for an amazing kiss. To me, a kiss where a man holds my face, starts off slow and eventually becomes more intense is hot. A little lip and tongue sucking is great too, so long as he's not trying to remove it from my mouth. Oh, and soft moans. Those too are appreciated. But that's just me. From the unofficial polling that I did, with both men and women, the kind of kisses that feel like a conversation (you know, where both people are paying attention to one another) is pretty amazin'. Saliva needs to be kept down to a minimum. Caressing (even if it's just hand holding) needs to be happening simultaneously. Slight nibbling and sucking are appreciated. Oh, and everyone I talked to described the importance of staying in the moment during a kiss.
By the way, no matter how great a kiss may be, some official polling revealed that half of all men would have sex without kissing (I've asked around about this too and, a lot of men find kissing to be a whole lot more intimate than intercourse); men prefer wetter kisses than we do (I'm thinking that has something to do with, umm, our other lips getting/being wet as well); overall, kissing is preferred before sex rather than after and, the average amount of kissing partners between men and women is approximately the same—14. Hmph.
What Makes a Kiss…Not?
I don't know about y'all, but the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a bad kisser isn't bad breath (I'm thinking that's a given). It's poor aim. You know, those guys who are either French kissing your nostrils or your chin. Yuck. Some more of my unofficial polling (again, of both men and women) revealed that an overly-eager or lazy tongue (who wants something reminiscent of a dead fish being in their mouth?!), someone who wants to give you as much of their spit as possible, someone who's rhythm is totally off, a hard biter, a tooth-bumper or someone who wants to talk a lot in between kisses are all no-nos.
But out of everything that I heard, what seemed to top the list was a kiss with someone when there was no real connection; that is the epitome of a bad. Like the expected kiss after a date when you're just not that into the person or when you're currently irritated by your partner and they want to "fix things" with a kiss instead of giving you a little time and space to process.
Oh! There was one more thing that a few folks told me makes for a bad kiss. Atmosphere. Kissing in the rain doesn't work if you hate getting your wet. Kissing in public isn't cool if you hate PDA. Kissing on the couch isn't always welcoming if that is constantly a precursor for sex (meaning, don't get into the habit of leaning in for a kiss if it's ONLY so that you can get some). The right setting, the right lighting and the right time can make for a kiss that's very hot—or totally not.
How Long Should You Wait to Kiss Someone?
Some of y'all probably read this point and was like, "I don't want to think too hard about this because it could ruin the romance." Uh-huh. I hear you. But remember those 15 facts about kissing that I referenced earlier? One of them is that you can get an STD from kissing someone. Plus, kissing exchanges oxytocin between two people; that basically means that it bonds them. What all of this boils down to is, no matter how "casual" kissing may seem on the surface, it actually isn't. That's why you should put some thought into when you should kiss someone new. Oh, and why.
There's no real steadfast rule to this particular point. Just, before locking lips with someone, ask yourself if you want to get closer to them and if they are deserving of being that close to you. One of my high school teachers used to say that kissing is sex with your mouth. I mean, stuff is going into other stuff and there is a chance that you could contract something so, not to ruin the mood or anything but, they kinda have a point there.
You're a big girl and it is your mouth. But just like every other part of you, your mouth is precious. Just make sure to choose wisely, OK?
How to Make Your Lips Unbelievably Soft
With all of the technical stuff out of the way, I want to end this with just one more point. Personally, I don't care how good of a kisser someone is, I ain't interested if 1) their breath stinks and/or 2) their lips aren't soft. If chapped lips are something that you constantly struggle with, it could be due to too much exposure to the sun (which means you should get a lip balm that has sunscreen in it), constantly licking your lips (the bacteria and saliva combo can dry them out) or being dehydrated.
If you happen to have a handle on these things, but you still want your lips to feel unbelievably soft the next time that you pucker up, start with applying a DIY brown sugar lip scrub (it will gently exfoliate your lips). Then apply some sweet almond oil (you can even add a little honey to it for taste's sake). Or, if you want to give your lips a little extra pampering, apply a mixture of one teaspoon of honey, one teaspoon of mashed-up avocado and one teaspoon of muddled cucumber that's been thoroughly blended. Apply the combo to your damp lips, let it sit for 10 minutes, rinse with cool water and then apply some shea butter onto your kissers for the night.
You'll have the best feeling lips ever. Just in time to thoroughly observe National Kissing Day!
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Article originally published on July 6, 2019
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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7 Black Men On TikTok Making Everyday Living Look ThirstTrappy
You know how many of us, ladies, keep wondering why men don’t have the same sexy, handsome looks of yesteryear? That look from the ‘60s to the ‘90s? I FOUND THEM. And guess what? They’re doing what “real” men do best…simply making themselves handy (and not just in the traditional, gendered sense of the word). These fellas make it easy to fantasize about the reality that there are still good men out there – men who come into the lives of women and make it easier and softer by contributing every day but meaningful ways.
No, I don’t know them in real life because I found them via TikTok, but that’s the fun of fantasizing. You get to take one piece of the pie and make up the rest of it as you go alone. It’s like a game of MASH–choose your fighter and then go from there.
When I was watching their videos, I was totally unaware that my libido had been laying so low OR how attractive a useful man was until I tuned in to these guys (it started with Cam, and you’ll see why shortly). And I don’t mean to make it sound like men are only as good as what they can do for you, but I think it’s safe to say that far too many men are weaponizing their incompetence and enjoy being cared for but aren’t as quick to pour back into the women keeping their day-to-day afloat. Not even in minimal ways.
That said, these men seem to be a breath of fresh air on a sunshiny day. And, allow me to be wholesome and candid for a minute but they made me optimistic that there is hope for us after all. That we can find husbands and fathers who allow us to exist in this world with less harm and hope.
And, on a less wholesome note… never mind. I choose to keep it cute, but you’ll soon know exactly why this feels like a helluva task in just a moment. The other refreshing thing about many of these videos is the ASMR vibes – very cathartic to watch; really brings a sense of peace and calm over you. And, not to gas it, but if watching a man in action in that way via TikTok does that, JUST imagine what having the real thing would be like. My God.
Here are seven Black men on TikTok making everyday living look thirstrappy AF.
Cam
@renaissancecam subsist ⚙️ #vlog #dailyvlog #sundayvlog #peace #adayinthelife #gardening #handyman #rotties #bbq #pitmaster #juicing #health #healthy #fruit #fyp #explore #foryou #viral #menshealth #farming #country #outdoors #dogs #landscaping #food #vibes
Not only does Cam (28 and single) understand the assignment when it comes to carefully selecting Sunday’s cleaning playlist but he also was handcrafted by God himself, giving us #TradMan in only the best ways possible. Based on my lurking/Inspector Gadget deep dive through his content, he chops wood, gardens, fishes, and cooks–it’s no mistake that his handle is Renaissance Cam. And, ladies, I was able to get a few other little details about him because we all know curiosity kills the cat. No need to stay curious when we can just know. Yes, he’s single. He’s a Leo. And his ideal first date is a picnic at his favorite sunset island near one of the spots where he likes to fish.
Derwynn
@lifeofdwho Look how dirty my washing machine was 🤢🤮 . . #sundayreset #sundayroutine #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #homefragrance #fyp #explorepage
Next up is Derwynn, who is more of a modern man. His content centers on his Sunday resets which entail deep cleaning his home–and, if you know, you know–Black household law is that this type of cleaning must occur on Sundays. And, man, ol’ man, does he make cleaning look good. It’s no wonder more men don’t do this willingly. Most have speculated that he’s a Virgo, but he’s actually a Cancer (but maybe he has other Virgo placements throughout?)
Deon
@chakmahtheking Brcome someone you woukd be proud of‼️ Don’t settle, you’re a KING! Follw me on IG @chakmahtheking #fyp #diy #motivation #jackofalltrades #king
Mister DIY himself, in living color! Admittedly, I did have to mute that Rocky music, but all the fix-it action 100 percent makes up for that. I don’t know him, but it’s giving “my man, my man, my man” type of delusion the minute I saw him handle that power tool (like my little pun). Unlike the first two, Deon isn’t quite as subtle in his understanding that he is indeed a prize (not to be confused with thee prize, y’all). But, he is, in fact, a man that adds value in many ways. And, this is what we mean when we say bring back these men – the good with their hands, easy on the eyes type men – and we’ll bust out the apron and the table settings.
Oklahoma Cowboys
@oklahomacowboys0 🤠 #oklahomacowboys #rodeo #blackcowboys #fyp #explorepage #cowboy #blacktiktok #fypシ #losangeles #countryboy #billpickettrodeo #race
When Destiny’s Child said, “they always be talkin’ that country slang,” I imagine these are the type of men they had in mind. Cause the video alone gone bring out my Southern ancestors in my spirit, and I was born and raised in Michigan. Babbbby, this is a retro type of man, and I’m here for it. It’s also a personal belief of mine that it speaks volumes about a man’s ability to nurture in the way that they care for animals and, in turn, the way animals respond to them. What’s that they say about animals and children being the best judges of character? Unfortunately, we don’t have a name for this cowboy, but fortunately, this page is action-packed with other cowboys.
John Doe
@atvmvp #honda #hondaaccord #carsoftiktok #cars #bodywork #painting #spraypaint #restoration #accidentrepair #southcarolina #blackmen #cartok #cartiktok #7thgenaccord #blackentrepreneur #blackdudes #budgetfriendly #voiceover #countryboy
While it’s always safest to have a bald-headed daddy to handle all your car issues, it definitely doesn’t hurt to have a car-fixing zaddy on call, too. Well, here you go! Out in the garage, in the hoop shorts and the slides – now him coming inside smelling like outside, car parts, and fading cologne. We also stan a frugal, problem-solving king! Peep how he purchased a used car and a five-dollar can of spray paint and got to work. The definition of getting it out the mud, if you ask me.
Stephen
@styleunrivaled #fyp #trending #viral #atx #car #ignitioncoil
Impressive, I must say. This gentleman, Stephen, walks us through replacing his ignition coils, but he also makes himself useful in other ways. That’s word to his other TikTok, where he offers the young fellas who want to argue about why women aren’t submissive instead of giving them something worth submitting to advice.
Lee
@leeshomeimprovement Deck for the chicken coop #fyp #foryou #dmv #blacktiktok #watchthis #explore #HousestoHomes #HomeImprovement #BuildingstoCompanies #blackmenbuilds #building #constructing #StayFocused #menwithdreads #follow #share #baltimore #HGTV
While this video doesn’t quite show Lee’s face, it does show his craftsmanship. I mean, it looks secure enough–I don’t know too much about building decks, but I do know this looks about right.. As for the rest, I scoped out the facecard on his other videos, and he is worthy of this list.
These men were difficult to come by, and I’m not sure if it has to do with the ratio of podcast mics to rakes/power drills/etc. Or because they’re simply not documenting themselves. But you should know that we’re looking for some more of these men folk to lust after while they check off the one honey-do list item within their reach through the internet … the one with my Rosé. Send more over! Tag them. I might even start a Make Men Great Again campaign on behalf of these brothas.
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Feature image by @renaissancecam/ Instagram, @steviie_j/ Instagram, @derwynnwho/ Instagram