A couple of months ago, someone asked me why it’s so easy for men to orgasm while many women seem to struggle to do so. My immediate response was, “Why do you think all men orgasm?” to which they replied, "I mean, because they ejaculate.” Their tone of voice had such a sense of “duh” to it that I had to be careful not to sound as patronizing as they did (LOL): “Just because a man ejaculates, that doesn’t mean that they orgasmed.”
I know. It’s something that isn’t discussed enough yet, aside from the fact that a lot of men fake as if they have “seen the mountaintop” (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”), the reality is, when it comes to climaxing, an orgasm is a result of a release of certain chemicals in the brain while ejaculation is a genitalia response — and yes, those things can happen together — or separately. Men who are aware of this know that a full-blown orgasm can feel quite different than just a release of sperm and semen. So no — no woman should assume that she is automatically “turning a man out” just because she’s having sex with them, and he cums at the end of the experience. #themoreyouknow
And yes, it’s important to put that on record because that misconception alone is a part of the reason why many women experience what is known as orgasm anxiety — since they are so consumed with thinking it is easy for their partner to have an orgasm, they are wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t. However, the reality is that orgasm anxiety is a reality that both men and women face, and it has several layers to it too. Let’s look deeper.
Let’s Break Down an Orgasm Real Quick
GiphyBefore I get into what orgasm anxiety actually is, let’s briefly review what happens during an orgasm. If you’ve heard before that there are “levels to this thing” when it comes to having one, that would be correct. Although sometimes the words vary, the basic breakdown includes these four things (although some articles will say that there are three or five stages):
Arousal: This is typically what happens during foreplay; it’s when your body gets excited about the thought of having sex which can include your heartbeat speeding up, your nipples becoming erect, lubrication rushing to your vagina, your vulva starting to swell, your clitoris growing in size, blood rushing down to your vaginal region, your vagina expanding, etc.
Plateau: This is when blood flow to your genital region has reached its peak, your clitoris tends to retract back towards your pubic bone, muscle tension increases, and your vagina may even change colors.
Orgasm: This is when the peak of pleasure transpires. It’s also why I don’t get how men don’t notice if/when women are faking it. I say that because when an orgasm happens, involuntary muscle contractions in the genital region transpire. Reportedly, this can last anywhere from 13-51 seconds for women and 10-30 seconds for men.
Resolution: This is the stage when your body starts to return back to “normal.” You tend to feel a rush of warmth, you might automatically feel drained and/or fatigued, and your breathing will slow down (by the way, even if you can have multiple orgasms, you will still experience resolution before starting the cycle of the phases all over again).
Physically, this is how you can know if you truly had an orgasm or not — although, what I oftentimes tell people is, if you have to ask, you probably haven’t because one of the best and most challenging things to put into words is the feeling of climaxing (at least in my opinion).
What Is Orgasm Anxiety All About?
GiphySo now that we’ve covered what happens during an orgasm, let’s talk about orgasm anxiety and what it entails. I’m pretty sure that, for the most part, you get the general idea by breaking down the term: it’s what happens when you’re anxious about having an orgasm (although some people experience this kind of anxiety at the mere thought of engaging in any type of sexual activity at all).
Whenever this happens, things like feeling overwhelmed, your body tensing up, you not being fully present in the moment, you overthinking the experience, you disassociating your mind from your body (because for an orgasm to transpire, these two things typically work hand in hand) are what you seem to notice. And when you’re in this state, it can literally “block” you from climaxing.
What Are Things That Can Cause Orgasm Anxiety?
GiphyNow that you know what the symptoms of orgasm anxiety are, you’re probably wondering what causes it. That’s a great question, and actually, there isn’t just one thing.
Orgasm anxiety can be “triggered” by:
- Anxiety or an anxiety disorder
- Body images issues
- Lacking sexual self-confidence
- PTSD from past sexual trauma
- Bad orgasms (yes, that is a thing; you can read more about it here)
- Feelings of shame surrounding sex
- An extreme form of people pleasing (being more concerned about your partner’s pleasure than your own)
- Being hyper-critical about your sexual performance/abilities
- Pressuring yourself to be a certain way sexually
- Stress
According to The American Psychological Association (APA), anxiety is defined as being “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.” And although an actual anxiety disorder is a more extreme and consistent account of anxiety, even the normal bouts of anxiety can prevent an orgasm. That’s because fear, tension, worry, and stress are enemies of this kind of pleasure.
If you’re someone who has a difficult time climaxing and you realize that feelings of anxiety have something to do with why, it’s important to do some sex journaling to see if you can get down to the root of why that is the case (for the record, this is something that reputable sex therapists can help you with if you’re struggling with getting the answers that you seek).
6 Things You Can You Can Do to Overcome Orgasm Anxiety
Giphy1. Talk to your partner. Good sex consists of open and honest communication. That said, I can’t tell you how many people have told me things about their sex life that their partner has no clue about. The challenge with that isn’t really if you are holding something back but WHY. If it’s fear of how they will react or respond, that can definitely create walls when it comes to mental and emotional intimacy that can make having sex with them…not as pleasurable as it should be. It’s not a coincidence that some of the couples who have the most fulfilling sex lives are the ones who are really real with one another. In mutual honesty and acceptance, there are feelings of safety, and with safety comes the ability to release anything that would hinder an orgasm from transpiring.
2. Talk to someone else too. It’s not about your business being all out in the street; it’s about talking to someone who can make you feel heard, understood, and not alone. Because the reality is, when it comes to all ten things that I mentioned that can cause orgasm anxiety, there are many others who can totally relate. Sometimes, just talking to a trusted friend can help to calm you down. Other times, you may need the assistance of a professional. Either way, just knowing that someone cares enough to listen and offer up some empathy can make all the difference in the world.
3. Celebrate your body. As a doula, I deal with a lot of women who are insecure about their bodies and project those feelings onto their partners. “Project” is the right word because they assume that, since (for instance) they don’t (currently) like their breasts and/or stretch marks and/or pooch underneath their belly button, “he” doesn’t either. Meanwhile, the men are constantly telling me how 1) they think it’s sexy that their child’s mom was able to deliver their child and/or 2) they just want intimacy to resume — the body changes are the least of their concerns. Know what this means? Your partner can’t make you feel desirable if you aren’t just as intentional about loving yourself — and that includes your body. And this doesn’t just mean after giving birth.
Celebrating your body can do wonders for relieving any stress that you may have about it. So, take yourself lingerie shopping. Pen a love letter to yourself about the things that you do adore when it comes to how you look. Dance in the mirror naked to some of your favorite songs. Choosing to like — no, LOVE — your body is a real game changer as far as sex is concerned.
4. See sex as an experience, not a performance. Back in the day, I was a Beverly Hills, 90210 fan. When Brenda was getting ready to give her virginity to Dylan at their senior prom, and she was showing how anxious she was, Dylan said, “We’re not going to be judging each other. We’re going to be enjoying each other.” Hmph. Words to live by. Although performance anxiety is normal, remind yourself that sex is about connecting, deeply and profoundly so, with another person. And if it’s the right one, they are not trying to score you — they simply want to share a special and intimate moment with you. That alone should take quite a bit of the pressure off.
5. Don’t make orgasm the goal. Along the lines of what I just said, if you see an orgasm as “mission impossible,” that’s just how you’re going to approach sex, in general. Besides, although I won’t act like an orgasm ain’t one of the best things that this life has to offer, when you’re connecting with someone who is as into you as you are into them, sex can be a wonderful experience — even sans the climax (no, really).
6. RELAX. Yeah, I know — easier said than done. Look at it all this way, though: If you don’t feel like you can’t loosen up, unwind and truly let yourself go in his presence — is he someone who you should be sharing your body with? It’s kind of another message for another time, but sometimes what might seem like orgasm anxiety is really nothing more than your discernment telling you that he is not worthy. Bottom line, try to relax, yet don’t force it. If you’re starting to enter into the force dimension, it’s time to take some steps back and reevaluate — because again, it might not be anxiety; you just might be sensing some red flags.
_____
If you’ve had some anxiety about sex and, more specifically, orgasms during sex, hopefully, this turned on a few light bulbs for you because, although orgasm anxiety can be a bit unnerving and perhaps even a bit overwhelming, as you can see, it doesn’t have to remain your reality. Baby steps can get you free so that you can experience the absolute best that sex and orgasms have to offer.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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