When you’re a relationship coach and a writer, you find yourself talking to all kinds of people about all sorts of stuff. For me, a perk that comes from that is being able to share with you what lurks in the minds of men and women on a variety of topics (especially since they know that I will go with their middle name or a pseudonym, so that their identity can remain concealed; today, it’s middle names).
Anyway, as we get ready to close out, yet another year, a couple of semi-recent conversations with some guys about what they want for their relationship in 2022 inspired me to ask a few more and then share what was said. The agenda is two-fold. One, so that you can see what lies beneath the surface when it comes to a lot of men and two, hopefully it will inspire you to ask your own boo or even some of your platonic male relationships about what their desires are. Because I’m a firm believer that we can get some really insightful gems (sometimes, ones that we can even apply to our own situations) when we just take the time to ask certain questions from different people.
Charles. Married. 32.
“Anyone who is single and reading this, please take seriously what I’m about to say. It is very easy, when you’re dating, to care about impressing your partner. When you get married, it’s then really easy to think that it’s not necessary to do so. Your spouse chooses to stay on a daily basis. This means you need to show them that you appreciate their decision to do so…on a daily basis. What I want my wife and I to do more next year is to ‘woo.’ We’ve stopped doing that and it’s made us both become more distant. The love is there but the desire is not where it needs to be. We need to get that back.”
Jameson. Dating. 24.
“I’m not in a relationship. I’m dating three different women and yes, they all know it. I like different things about each of them and, what’s weird, is that ‘thing,’ I can’t find in the other two. All this year, dating around was fun but I’m kind of tired now. Even guys get to the point where we want to not have to do so much juggling around with our time, attention, and communication. What I’m gonna focus on is making something more exclusive. Whether that’s one of the three or someone else entirely, I’m not sure yet.”
Andrew. Engaged. 29.
“My fiancée is amazing. What isn’t all that great is how ‘much’ her friends are. I think she thinks that a husband isn’t supposed to be a friend too because it’s like, we do the dating and sex thing but when it comes to really talking things out, she calls her girls. When I proposed, I made the decision that she would be my first go-to. That’s not really the case with her. This year, I want our connection in that way to get better. Yes, you’ve got your girls, but I want to be your man…I want you to want to share your thoughts and feelings with me and not just categorize me as the provider and sex partner.”
Zachariah. Married. 37.
“I need our sex life to get back to where it used to be. Damn, these kids. THESE KIDS. Remember how you once said to me that sex is really important to men because it’s the one time where they feel totally comfortable being totally vulnerable? There is a lot of truth to that. Sex with my wife is amazing but so is the talking and my feeling like that is a safe time to just…be when we’re alone like that. Hectic schedules, a 10- and 7-year-old, and different sleep schedules have got us looking crazy out here. I’m going to make sure we make sex more of a priority. The kids are gonna have to watch Hulu or something.” *laughs*
Christian. Dating. 43.
“I want to get married by the end of next year. My girlfriend wants to do the same. Problem is, we live in different states and both really like our jobs and they both pay a lot of money. One of the things that drew me to her was how she matched my ambition but learning how to compromise at this level is really hard. Something’s gotta give. Any suggestions?”
Jacen. Dating. 28.
“We don’t use titles but we’re not seeing anyone else at this point. Now that we’re here, I want to date more. I mean, f—k the dinner and a movie stuff. Let’s go glamping. Let’s take some road trips. Let’s have an outdoor picnic in the wintertime. Let’s parasail. Let’s do some s—t! It seems like people don’t really date anymore and if we do get to the point of getting married, I want us both to be able to say that we had a really good time getting to know each other…that we were each other’s ‘first’ when it came to doing some new things. Dating is what it’s about in 2022.”
Orman. Married. 40.
“How f — ked up is it that I want a divorce in 2022? No one tells you how much you will not be the same person after a decade or more of marriage. I love my wife, but we don’t mesh anymore and I’m not sure how much of the love is based on who we were back then. It’s a weird feeling to know that you really care about someone, but you think being with them is holding you back. I’m still feeling this all out, but I don’t see myself married in 2023. I really don’t.”
Malcolm. Engaged. 34.
“I want to get into some intensive therapy and I want my fiancée to do the same. Something that first bonded us was how we could empathize with a lot of our childhood trauma but as we’re getting closer to our wedding date, it seems like pain is what we have in common more than anything else. Don’t get me wrong — we love each other and I’m in this. But divorce is not an option to me and I think pushing the date back and healing separately will help our future marriage to make more sense.”
Xavier. Married. 38.
“I want my wife and I to just…accept each other. I don’t know what it is about marriage that makes two people think that its main purpose is to change their partner. All that does is create walls. There are things about me that my wife doesn’t like. There are things about her that I don’t like either. We chose each other because what we do like is much bigger. Next year, I want to work on just letting her be. You should be able to come home and relax; not feel like you’re constantly getting coached to be better. I think I’m gonna tell her that tonight. Thanks.”
Esterio. Dating. 30.
“I’m dating but I think I’m in love with my best friend. She’s not really physically my type but damn, she’s dope, and I think that I’ve been putting the physical above everything else and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. She just started to take a casual thing slightly up a notch, but she’s told me that something is ‘missing’ with him, so I wonder if she thinks the same thing I do. F—k it. I tell her everything else. She might as well know about this too, right? Wish me luck.”
Best friends who are lovers is bomb. Well wishes, Esterio. Keep us posted…in the new year. #wink
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