Most of us learned in anatomy class that our skin is the biggest organ that we have. It's comprised of three layers — epidermis, dermis, and hypodermis — and five million pores (20,000 just on our face alone!). Yep, our skin is pretty intricate and complex.
Unfortunately, until we have a breakout, notice a little eczema, or are trying to heal a scar somewhere, many of us aren't thinking about giving our skin any more attention than the soap we wash it with and the lotion (or coconut oil) that we apply to keep from looking ashy.
But I can personally vouch for the fact that setting aside 15-20 minutes each day to give your skin some TLC not only reduces blemishes and evens skin tone but can also cause all sorts of random people to have a look of shock on their face when you tell them how old you are and they reply that they thought you were so much younger than that.
Things like lavender, aloe vera, and vitamin E are commonly known remedies for treating skin. But if you're looking for oils, herbs, or vitamins that are great for daily skin maintenance and pampering, here are some lesser-known ones that are just as effective and can provide even more benefits to your face, neck, and body.
Frankincense Oil
A lot of us only think of frankincense oil around the holiday season (you know, frankincense and myrrh?) but it's something that is beneficial all year long. The properties in this oil make it a natural astringent and toner that can reduce pores and tighten skin. Frankincense also promotes cell and tissue regeneration and, when used regularly (at least three times a week), it can reduce the appearance of wrinkles, acne blemishes, and any scars on the skin too.
Helichrysum Oil
Helichrysum is a member of the daisy flower family. It's known as a miraculous essential oil due to its anti-microbial, anti-biotic, and regenerative compounds. Applying this oil to your skin will not only promote healthy skin cell growth, but it will also deeply moisturize your skin too. Something else that's awesome about helichrysum oil is, it's so gentle that it's perfect for skin that is highly-sensitive. And, if you've got any skin discoloration anywhere, it will even out the appearance of your skin over time.
Neroli Oil
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Is your skin oily or highly acne-prone? Get yourself a bottle of Neroli oil as soon as you possibly can! The antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, and antiseptic properties that are found in this oil will balance out the natural sebum in your skin without drying it out in the process. Another cool thing about Neroli oil is it's able to increase your skin's flexibility. Also, because it contains a significant amount of vitamin C, neroli oil helps to elevate the production of collagen in your skin as well. That means it can make your skin look fuller and "plumper" in the very best way possible.
Horsetail
Horsetail is an herb that got its name because it looks a lot like a horse's tail. It's the kind that most of us don't hear about every day but should be in our skincare arsenal. That's because horsetail contains calcium, manganese, iron, flavonoids, tannins, and phenolic acids — all things that our skin desperately needs.
If you've got acne, try dipping some cotton balls into some horsetail tea; it will act like a toner for your skin as it pulls out toxins and reduces inflammation. If you want to tighten sagging skin, make your own horsetail paste by grinding some of the herbs with a plantain and water. Apply it to your freshly washed face, let it sit for 20 minutes, and then thoroughly rinse with cool water.
Irish Moss
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Irish Moss has a great reputation for balancing out thyroid production and also lowering cholesterol levels. It's also a cold-water seaweed that contains plenty of sulfated polysaccharides. This is important as it relates to your skin because sulfated polysaccharides have a remarkable ability to soften your skin as well as your scalp. Irish Moss is also the kind of herb that heals skin rashes and eczema because it's also high in iron, folate, copper, vitamin C, and chlorophyll, making it a blood purifier that can help to prevent breakouts too.
You can make your own Irish Moss lotion by combining a teaspoon of a powdered form of the herb with one cup of distilled water, ¼ cup of aloe vera gel, and two tablespoons of sweet almond oil. Boil the herb in the water for 20 minutes until it turns into a jelly-like consistency. Then add the aloe vera and allow the mixture to completely cool. Put the gel and oil into a blender and mix until it turns into a white-looking lotion. Then apply.
Dandelion Root
Probably the most popular way to get the benefits of dandelion root is to drink it in tea form. It's an herb that regulates the secretion of hormones, opens up pores, and contains properties that fight all sorts of infections including warts and ringworm. That's why it's so good at healing acne cysts. The antioxidants in this herb also soften fine lines, lighten the appearance of dark circles underneath the eyes, and even out T-zone skin.
If you'd prefer not to drink dandelion root, put a couple of tea bags into a boiling pot of water, let the bags steep, and then put your face over the water. You'll automatically have a nourishing and healing face steam.
Vitamin F
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If you're wondering what the heck vitamin F is, it's better known as an omega-6 essential fatty acid. It's something our skin needs plenty of, although most of us are low in it. Vitamin F is really good for dry skin, thanks to the healthy fats that are in it. If you take it regularly enough, vitamin F can cause your face and body to have a natural glow. Something else that's awesome about this vitamin is it provides a barrier to protect your skin from environmental damage. Plus, if you suffer from eczema or atopic dermatitis, it can help to relieve those too.
It really is best to take vitamin F in supplement form (around 12 grams per day) but if you wondering what foods contain it, sunflower seeds, English walnuts, and salmon do.
Selenium
Selenium is a mineral that has a great reputation for being loaded with antioxidants; that alone makes it a must-have for your skin. Since it neutralizes free radicals, selenium can protect your skin from cell damage. Since it's also the kind of mineral that increases white blood cells in your body, it can also reduce inflammation in your skin while keeping skin infections at bay. Selenium is so effective that it is even something that can help to relieve dandruff too.
Even though selenium is really good for you, when it comes to this mineral, you can get too much of a good thing. So, make sure that you take no more than 55 mcg a day. If you'd prefer to eat foods with selenium in them, consume grain or grass-fed beef, brown rice, or Brazil nuts.
Copper
Did you know that if you notice premature greying in your hair it could be because you're not getting enough copper into your system? Copper is one of those minerals that constantly gets slept on yet provides all sorts of benefits. Skin-wise, it helps to maintain the collagen and elastin in your body; which makes copper one of the best anti-aging supplements around. Something else copper has the ability to do is repair DNA damage in your cells as it reverses inflammation, scars, and fine lines that you might notice on your face and neck.
Dosage-wise, it's best to take no more than 900 (mcg) a day along with a zinc supplement. As far as the foods that contain copper, you're gonna love reading this — almonds, oysters, sun-dried tomatoes, avocados, and (yes!) dark chocolate top the list. Every time you eat dark chocolate (that's 65 percent or more cocoa), you're loving on your skin, soooo…eat up, y'all!
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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