Okay, so I’ve got a question — what are your summer plans as far as your skin is concerned? Listen, it’s a super valid concern considering the fact that I recently had a conversation with a couple of women over 60 who told me that one of their biggest regrets was taking the condition of their skin for granted back when they were in their 30s. One of them literally said to me, “We love to talk about ‘Black not cracking,’ but let’s not act like we can’t go 20 years looking under 40 and one day — BOOM, we look 70.”
I’ve heard this said many times over the course of my life, which is why I’ve become more proactive than ever when it comes to my own skincare regimen; this includes keeping my eyes on certain skincare trends that I think will do wonders for Black skin. That said, as far as this particular summer season goes, here are ten that I personally think will bring out the best in all of us…as far as our skin is concerned.
1. Citrus Skincare Products
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If you’re someone who enjoys eating citrus fruit, that’s a good thing. It contains nutrients like vitamins B and C, antioxidants, copper, fiber, magnesium, and potassium. When it comes to your skin, specifically, the citric acid that’s in it can help to kill that bacteria that could cause skin damage and aging, while its ascorbic acid is great at improving collagen and skin elasticity. Plus, the antioxidants in citrus fruit are highly effective at sloughing off dead skin cells so that your skin looks fresh and radiant, as other properties can reduce hyperpigmentation. For all of these reasons and more, if you don’t have at least a citrus-based body wash or face peel in your possession, there’s no time like the present to get yourself one.
2. Witch Hazel
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It is so wild to me how a bottle that costs so little can do so much. Personally, I’ve had some witch hazel in my possession for years now, and I’ve had absolutely no regrets. Although I mostly use it as a skin toner, witch hazel can also speed up the healing process of breakouts, soothe scalp irritation, reduce inflammation (like if you end up with a mosquito bite), reduce the appearance of puffy eyes, and also tighten up (the look of) your pores. Trust me, if you don’t invest in any other current skincare trend on this list, this is an (easily) under-five bucks one that will be well worth your while.
3. Skin Cycling
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If you’ve ever had a trainer before, you probably know that when you’re trying to achieve certain body goals, you need to work out different parts of your body on different days. Along these same lines, that’s what skin cycling is all about: you come up with an effective skin routine that consists of you applying certain products on one day and another set on another in order to achieve optimal results.
From what I’ve read and researched, if you want to be a true “cycler,” you need an exfoliant, retinoid, and moisturizer. The first night you use the exfoliant, the second, the retinoid product; and on the third and fourth, the moisturizer. Then you rinse and repeat the regimen all over again. As far as the perks go, skin cycling can help to repair your skin’s barrier as well as “prep” it for the changes in seasons — so, at least consider doing it in the weeks leading into a new season (like in October in preparation for fall).
4. Chlorophyll Supplements
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A couple of days ago, someone randomly asked me if I take chlorophyll; that goes to show how popular it is becoming. Although the basic definition of chlorophyll is it’s the compound in plants that give them their green color, there are many reasons why it’s beneficial as far as your skin is concerned. For starters, chlorophyll contains a good amount of vitamins A, C, E, and K. Plus, it’s also full of antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, and contains antimicrobial properties that help to heal acne, minimize the appearance of pores, and help to detoxify your system overall.
Just make sure that if you choose to take it in supplement form, you follow the instructions thoroughly. Oh, and don’t be alarmed if your urine turns green or your stools become a little loose; both can be side effects when taking chlorophyll on a regular basis.
5. Menopause-Themed Products
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Aging is a blessing; I don’t care what anybody says. So, why do so many people (in my opinion) fear it? Well, aside from how shallow our culture can be as it relates to its definition of beauty, another challenge is not nearly enough individuals properly prepare for what is inevitable — getting older. For instance, did you know that after menopause, you start to lose as much as 30 percent of your skin’s collagen within the first five years? The less collagen you have, the more sagging and wrinkling your skin will do. That’s why, it’s actually pretty dope, that more skincare brands are coming up with products that cater to women who are menopausal or post-menopause. One article that can ease you into learning more about these types of products is Allure’s “13 Skin-Care and Wellness Products Made Specifically for Menopause and Its Effects”.
As far as some things that you should stay up on when it comes to caring for your skin, as you’re entering into menopause, peptides (which help with collagen production), retinol (which can reduce the appearance of fine lines), and sunscreen (which should be a must regardless of your age) are all sure bets when it comes to keeping your skin looking younger for a longer period of time.
6. Hypochlorous Acid
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Although hypochlorous acid is something that has been around for basically forever, it started to gain some real traction during the peak of the pandemic; that’s because some call it a powerful-yet-natural disinfectant. How natural is it? Well, your body actually produces it on its own. White blood cells create it to fight off bacteria and infection.
Anyway, skin-wise, it’s beneficial because hypochlorous acid helps to unclog your skin’s pores, reduce the type of inflammation that’s associated with eczema and psoriasis, and repair damage that may have occurred due to acne.
The main thing to keep in mind is you MUST use a diluted version of this type of acid (which commercialized versions of it have done); otherwise, you could end up with chemical burns. Otherwise, it’s great for all skin types and has virtually no side effects.
7. Skincare That’s Make-Up Too
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If you personally wouldn’t dare step outside of your front door without a full face of makeup on, luckily, you don’t have to sacrifice the quality of your skin by doing so. The reason why is that there are a ton of “skincare hybrids” that are making their way onto the beauty scene. At the end of the day, what they offer you is the benefits of skincare products without you having to sacrifice the look that you adore from using cosmetics. Vogue’s article “These Makeup Products Can Actually Replace Your Entire Skin-Care Routine” can start to point you in the right direction. So can Harper’s Bazaar’s “The rise of hybrid cosmetics: 12 make-up products that act as skincare”.
8. Cucumber Extract
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Something that I didn’t know until recently is that cucumbers are closely related to watermelons and pumpkins. Aside from that, they’re a fruit that is full of water, vitamin K, and a good amount of vitamin C and potassium. And although it’s pretty commonly known that putting cucumbers over your eyes can help to reduce puffiness, there are a host of other things that they can do as well. The properties in cucumbers are awesome when it comes to deeply hydrating your skin, reducing skin inflammation, fighting against free radicals, making your complexion appear brighter, and slowing down the signs of premature aging. That’s why you should consider applying a homemade cucumber mask once a week or purchasing some cucumber extract to apply all over.
9. “Skinimalism”
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I once read an article that said 'skinimalism' is basically all about being a mindful consumer. The way that CNN puts it is skinimalism is about finding the most uncomplicated way to bring out the best in your skin. Bottom line here is, for the sake of your skin, budget, and the environment, it’s being encouraged to not be a product junkie as far as your skin is concerned. Instead, look for items that have as few chemicals as possible on their label while getting down to the ones that are the best for you — even if it’s only 3-5 things…not just when it comes to skincare but your makeup too. What it all boils down to is “less is more”.
10. Cloud Skin
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Although this last one is more of a makeup than skincare trend, I decided to throw it into the mix because, if there’s one thing that a lot of us want during the summer season is skin that looks flawless without appearing overly made-up. That said, cloud skin can give you that because it’s basically a cosmetic approach that doesn’t make your face look too matte or too dewy. How to create it is an article unto itself. What I will say is you’ll need a moisturizer, makeup sponge, some concealer and foundation, a makeup brush, and some loose powder. A Black YouTuber who gets pretty damn close to the trend (although she calls it “soft matte”) is KaaylaDee. You can watch her tutorial here. Enjoy!
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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