Okay, so I’ve got a question — what are your summer plans as far as your skin is concerned? Listen, it’s a super valid concern considering the fact that I recently had a conversation with a couple of women over 60 who told me that one of their biggest regrets was taking the condition of their skin for granted back when they were in their 30s. One of them literally said to me, “We love to talk about ‘Black not cracking,’ but let’s not act like we can’t go 20 years looking under 40 and one day — BOOM, we look 70.”
I’ve heard this said many times over the course of my life, which is why I’ve become more proactive than ever when it comes to my own skincare regimen; this includes keeping my eyes on certain skincare trends that I think will do wonders for Black skin. That said, as far as this particular summer season goes, here are ten that I personally think will bring out the best in all of us…as far as our skin is concerned.
1. Citrus Skincare Products
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If you’re someone who enjoys eating citrus fruit, that’s a good thing. It contains nutrients like vitamins B and C, antioxidants, copper, fiber, magnesium, and potassium. When it comes to your skin, specifically, the citric acid that’s in it can help to kill that bacteria that could cause skin damage and aging, while its ascorbic acid is great at improving collagen and skin elasticity. Plus, the antioxidants in citrus fruit are highly effective at sloughing off dead skin cells so that your skin looks fresh and radiant, as other properties can reduce hyperpigmentation. For all of these reasons and more, if you don’t have at least a citrus-based body wash or face peel in your possession, there’s no time like the present to get yourself one.
2. Witch Hazel
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It is so wild to me how a bottle that costs so little can do so much. Personally, I’ve had some witch hazel in my possession for years now, and I’ve had absolutely no regrets. Although I mostly use it as a skin toner, witch hazel can also speed up the healing process of breakouts, soothe scalp irritation, reduce inflammation (like if you end up with a mosquito bite), reduce the appearance of puffy eyes, and also tighten up (the look of) your pores. Trust me, if you don’t invest in any other current skincare trend on this list, this is an (easily) under-five bucks one that will be well worth your while.
3. Skin Cycling
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If you’ve ever had a trainer before, you probably know that when you’re trying to achieve certain body goals, you need to work out different parts of your body on different days. Along these same lines, that’s what skin cycling is all about: you come up with an effective skin routine that consists of you applying certain products on one day and another set on another in order to achieve optimal results.
From what I’ve read and researched, if you want to be a true “cycler,” you need an exfoliant, retinoid, and moisturizer. The first night you use the exfoliant, the second, the retinoid product; and on the third and fourth, the moisturizer. Then you rinse and repeat the regimen all over again. As far as the perks go, skin cycling can help to repair your skin’s barrier as well as “prep” it for the changes in seasons — so, at least consider doing it in the weeks leading into a new season (like in October in preparation for fall).
4. Chlorophyll Supplements
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A couple of days ago, someone randomly asked me if I take chlorophyll; that goes to show how popular it is becoming. Although the basic definition of chlorophyll is it’s the compound in plants that give them their green color, there are many reasons why it’s beneficial as far as your skin is concerned. For starters, chlorophyll contains a good amount of vitamins A, C, E, and K. Plus, it’s also full of antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, and contains antimicrobial properties that help to heal acne, minimize the appearance of pores, and help to detoxify your system overall.
Just make sure that if you choose to take it in supplement form, you follow the instructions thoroughly. Oh, and don’t be alarmed if your urine turns green or your stools become a little loose; both can be side effects when taking chlorophyll on a regular basis.
5. Menopause-Themed Products
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Aging is a blessing; I don’t care what anybody says. So, why do so many people (in my opinion) fear it? Well, aside from how shallow our culture can be as it relates to its definition of beauty, another challenge is not nearly enough individuals properly prepare for what is inevitable — getting older. For instance, did you know that after menopause, you start to lose as much as 30 percent of your skin’s collagen within the first five years? The less collagen you have, the more sagging and wrinkling your skin will do. That’s why, it’s actually pretty dope, that more skincare brands are coming up with products that cater to women who are menopausal or post-menopause. One article that can ease you into learning more about these types of products is Allure’s “13 Skin-Care and Wellness Products Made Specifically for Menopause and Its Effects”.
As far as some things that you should stay up on when it comes to caring for your skin, as you’re entering into menopause, peptides (which help with collagen production), retinol (which can reduce the appearance of fine lines), and sunscreen (which should be a must regardless of your age) are all sure bets when it comes to keeping your skin looking younger for a longer period of time.
6. Hypochlorous Acid
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Although hypochlorous acid is something that has been around for basically forever, it started to gain some real traction during the peak of the pandemic; that’s because some call it a powerful-yet-natural disinfectant. How natural is it? Well, your body actually produces it on its own. White blood cells create it to fight off bacteria and infection.
Anyway, skin-wise, it’s beneficial because hypochlorous acid helps to unclog your skin’s pores, reduce the type of inflammation that’s associated with eczema and psoriasis, and repair damage that may have occurred due to acne.
The main thing to keep in mind is you MUST use a diluted version of this type of acid (which commercialized versions of it have done); otherwise, you could end up with chemical burns. Otherwise, it’s great for all skin types and has virtually no side effects.
7. Skincare That’s Make-Up Too
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If you personally wouldn’t dare step outside of your front door without a full face of makeup on, luckily, you don’t have to sacrifice the quality of your skin by doing so. The reason why is that there are a ton of “skincare hybrids” that are making their way onto the beauty scene. At the end of the day, what they offer you is the benefits of skincare products without you having to sacrifice the look that you adore from using cosmetics. Vogue’s article “These Makeup Products Can Actually Replace Your Entire Skin-Care Routine” can start to point you in the right direction. So can Harper’s Bazaar’s “The rise of hybrid cosmetics: 12 make-up products that act as skincare”.
8. Cucumber Extract
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Something that I didn’t know until recently is that cucumbers are closely related to watermelons and pumpkins. Aside from that, they’re a fruit that is full of water, vitamin K, and a good amount of vitamin C and potassium. And although it’s pretty commonly known that putting cucumbers over your eyes can help to reduce puffiness, there are a host of other things that they can do as well. The properties in cucumbers are awesome when it comes to deeply hydrating your skin, reducing skin inflammation, fighting against free radicals, making your complexion appear brighter, and slowing down the signs of premature aging. That’s why you should consider applying a homemade cucumber mask once a week or purchasing some cucumber extract to apply all over.
9. “Skinimalism”
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I once read an article that said 'skinimalism' is basically all about being a mindful consumer. The way that CNN puts it is skinimalism is about finding the most uncomplicated way to bring out the best in your skin. Bottom line here is, for the sake of your skin, budget, and the environment, it’s being encouraged to not be a product junkie as far as your skin is concerned. Instead, look for items that have as few chemicals as possible on their label while getting down to the ones that are the best for you — even if it’s only 3-5 things…not just when it comes to skincare but your makeup too. What it all boils down to is “less is more”.
10. Cloud Skin
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Although this last one is more of a makeup than skincare trend, I decided to throw it into the mix because, if there’s one thing that a lot of us want during the summer season is skin that looks flawless without appearing overly made-up. That said, cloud skin can give you that because it’s basically a cosmetic approach that doesn’t make your face look too matte or too dewy. How to create it is an article unto itself. What I will say is you’ll need a moisturizer, makeup sponge, some concealer and foundation, a makeup brush, and some loose powder. A Black YouTuber who gets pretty damn close to the trend (although she calls it “soft matte”) is KaaylaDee. You can watch her tutorial here. Enjoy!
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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