
My Brother Is Doing 50 Years In Prison For Harming A Child, But I Still Love Him

We all have family members who choose the wrong direction and consequently land in the hands of society. My family isn't any different. My older brother has spent the bulk of his life in prison. So many times, I see people post things about freeing their family members or friends, but you'll never see me do that for my brother. In my whole heart, he's where he should be, and I'm safer with him being there.
My brother has been in and out of the system since he was a teenager. This is his second time in prison, and he was sentenced 55 years in prison for harm to a child. The last time we saw him was 13-14 years ago. My mom and younger brother reached out and tried to visit him, but always came to bumps in the road, just like this last time. They drove all the way to Huntsville, TX, only for my older brother to get into a gang fight right when my mom was checking in to visit him.
I know you're reading this like, What kind of family doesn't see their family member for over a decade? Honestly, I'm not keen on seeing him because the scared little girl that I used to be still surfaces when I think of him. All I can think is:
It could have been my son.
Whenever I think of my older brother, I see this evil person who still scares me even in his absence. When I thought he was going to be getting out soon, I was extremely scared. I only felt comfortable with sharing my feelings with my oldest sister, who used to be our protector from him. When things went left between her mom and our dad, she stopped coming over and it was a wrap for us. By that, I mean me, because I was the one he seemed to torture and hate the most.
Growing up with him was pure hell and I hated when my parents would leave to go to work because this was his opportunity to be the evil villain he embraced. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it. This wasn't your typical "big brother" bullying.
When no one was around, he enjoyed beating us or finding other mental manipulative strategies to make us fear him, and it worked. I can remember sitting at a table crying because he would purposely fix me everything he knew I didn't eat and threatened that if I didn't eat it, I would get beat. I remember crying trying to force myself to eat and jumping at any slight noise because I knew he was coming around the corner with his evil laugh.
I'd get beat from him, and then my mom would come home and whoop us all because he'd come up with some lie. My mom didn't want to believe that her oldest son was a lying sack of shit, so she did what most parents did back then—whooped us all.
One experience that I've never shared with anyone except my oldest sister just the other day, was the time he climbed on top of me and pinned my arms down in my bed. He didn't do anything sexual to me, but I knew it wasn't right that he was straddled on top of me holding my arms down, threatening he'd do something further to me if I made a sound because everyone was in the front living room. He stayed on top of me for about a minute or so, and I just laid there. Without my oldest sister coming over on the weekends, I felt helpless.
I endured every beating and evil act until my sister gave me inner courage to stand up for myself like she did.
I'll never forget the morning I took back my power. My best friend's mom used to pick me up for school, but this time they were running a little late. Well, that wasn't flying with my brother. He wanted me gone. He was adamant about making me catch the bus, which I hated doing because I'd get interrogated by the bus driver since I didn't ride frequently.
After I told him I wasn't riding the bus and went to the restroom to finish getting ready. While fixing my hair, I heard the restroom door fly open in anger. The way my brother looked at me still stings me in my stomach. He rushed in and grabbed me by my head, then started slinging me all around, but this time I made it my business to fight back. We were in there tussling.
I was losing the fight, but I was winning the war of not letting him hit me without defending myself. The last thing I remembered was him having me pinned down on the bathroom floor and me swinging wildly trying to get up until the car honked from outside. He got off of me, laughing with that evil laugh he'd do whenever he'd torture me.
I left my house that day house feeling empowered and stronger. No longer was I that weak little girl. Did the torture stop? No. But I fought back every time. It wasn't until he actually got locked up and sent away the first time that I could actually breathe and live freely in the house.
It finally felt like home without him there.
Unfortunately, that fear still reigns heavily inside of me. I'm terrified for him to get out. On top of him being evil growing up, he took it upon himself to begin worshipping the devil and getting demons tattooed on him while in prison. Who knows what he is capable of doing?
I know I shouldn't be scared of someone, but I can't help it. This is something that I am still working on trying to heal from, and it's not an easy thing when you have lied to yourself for years that you actually loved your brother. There was no way I could love someone who treated me so horribly. Funny, but my relationship with my brother is how all my relationships were.
I feel like I never had a chance of having healthy relationships with men because deep inside I expected to be treated like shit because I was used to it and continued to allow it because it seemed "normal."
It's true that your childhood reflects heavily in your adulthood.
Despite my true feelings for my brother, I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I pray for God to heal him internally because I hate seeing my mom beat herself inside about what she did wrong. I'm a mother, so I understand her pain.
I still don't want to see him and prefer him in there versus out here.
I will continue to pray that I can fully heal from all the damage he has caused me. At times, I feel robbed of experiencing the "big brother" relationship that I've heard so much about. He did evil and damaging things to me as a child that still haunt me as a woman.
I'm still healing from it all and asking the Lord to remove the hate that I had buried inside. I'm working on pushing through my trauma, and eventually my torturer will no longer have this hold over me.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
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Besides being a devoted mother of two boys, PacePoetry is a known performance poet, author, Reading and Writing professor, open mic host, and brand influencer from Houston, TX, who prides herself in being open and completely transparent with her audience through her writing, performances, and speaking because she believes that someone needs to hear her story to help them learn and walk in their purpose as well. Follow her on social @pacepoetry.
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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A Celebration Of Black Voices: What You Missed At The 3rd Annual Black Effect Podcast Festival
Over the weekend, iHeart Radio held its third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival in Atlanta, attracting a star-studded lineup of personalities and shows. Charlamagne tha God, founder of the Black Effect podcast network was in attendance along with other notable personalities like Mandii B and Weezy WTF, the hosts of the popular Decisions, Decisions podcast, who also served as the festival's hosts.
Sarah Jakes Roberts, the esteemed pastor and host of Woman Evolve podcast, singers and co-hosts of the R&B Money podcast, Tank and J. Valentine, former NFL star and Funky Friday host Cam Newton and many more further rounded out the festivals' lineup.
The festival hosted panels that focused on mental health and the future of podcasting as well as many live shows. Good Moms, Bad Choices hosts, Erica and Milah, welcomed Dreka Gates and held a live dating show that was nothing short of hilarious. Naked Sports host Cari Champion sat down with Iman Shumpert and they discussed sports and dating.
Tank and J. Valentine surprised the audience with Jacquees, Cam had a live conversation with Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Williams, and Sarah closed out the festival with reality star Toya Johnson. Check out photos from the festival below:
(L-R) Shawn Bethea, Jay Barnett, Devi Brown, Charlamagne tha God and Amber Grimes
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Jamilah Mapp, Dreka Gates and Erica Dickerson
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Mandii B and Weezy WTF
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Porsha Williams and Cam Newton
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Iman Shumpert and Cari Champion
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Tank, Jacquees and J. Valentine
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
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Feature image by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network