

If Your Man's Erections Need To Last Longer, Read This.
It's pretty common knowledge that, when it comes to who can last longer in bed, hands down, it's us. While it can easily take a man about five minutes to ejaculate, it can take us somewhere around 20 minutes to climax. Why that is the case is something only Mother Nature truly knows, but whatever the reason is, the bottom line is that the best lovers have to figure out how to strike a balance so that both people can be satisfied. Communication helps. Getting off on giving more than receiving is important too. But let's not act like it's also not a very valid point for men to be able to master how to have a longer—and when needed stronger—erection (especially if you and your partner want to orgasm at the same time).
While this might sound like an ad for some sort of erectile pill (it ain't, but I will say that I've heard a lot of Black men big up the no-prescription-needed pill BlueChew), it's actually an intro into some very practical things that you can encourage your partner to do in order to have the kind of erections that will end up impressing you both. So, once you finish reading this, make sure to pass it along to him. Most of these 10 tips are pretty practical and, if they are actually applied, I'm willing to bet that he'll be so much better equipped at getting on your timetable. If you know what I mean (wink).
10 Practical Tips To Make His Erections Last Longer
1. He Needs to Watch His Diet
For a man to have a long and strong erection, yes, he needs to be turned on, but he also needs to push the value meal deals back as well. Anything that affects how blood rushes to his genitalia can play a direct role in things being much limper than Mother Nature ever intended for them to be. That's why it's imperative that your partner avoids processed and/or fried or fatty foods because that could ultimately lead to high cholesterol, heart disease, clogged up arteries and/or diabetes (which can also affect a man's ability to get it up or keep it up).
Instead, he needs to eat antioxidants like citrus fruit, berries and dark chocolate (they will boost his immunity and fight heart disease); garlic, salmon and tomatoes (they will increase blood circulation), and watermelon, avocado and broccoli (they help to boost a man's libido).
2. He Needs to Eat More Testosterone
Speaking of a man's libido, something that most of us learned in high school level science class is men produce more testosterone and women produce more estrogen. When a man's testosterone levels are low (like if he has an underlying health condition or he's going through andropause), that also can affect how often he has an erection and/or how long his erections are able to last. That's why first, it's important that he sees his physician in order to confirm if it is a serious hormonal imbalance. Second, it's a good idea that he starts to eat more testosterone-boosting foods. Some of those include egg yolks, beans, tuna, beef, almonds, spinach and bananas.
3. He Needs More Exercise
Exercise is good for a billion and one reasons. On the sex tip, it gives us more energy, makes us more flexible, builds up our endurance, teaches us how to deep breathe (which can intensify our orgasms) and it puts us in a much better mood. As far as your partner's penis goes, exercise is also beneficial because it can help to keep two "enemies" of weak erections under control—weight gain and low blood circulation. If your partner isn't the biggest fan of exercise, just let him know that 20 minutes, three times a week, can help to keep the limpness away. It doesn't have to be anything on the Olympian level; a combination of jogging and sit-ups (or push-ups) will do just fine.
4. He Needs “Visual Aids”
It's not a myth or a mere common assumption that men tend to be more visually stimulated than women do (you can read more about this very topic here). And honestly, I can't tell you how many husbands have said in a counseling session that, while they love their wife and find her sexy AF, they are so tired of her coming to bed looking a hella-hot-mess. Finding out what your partner likes to see you in is another way to get—and keep—things right where you want them to be.
5. He Needs More Coffee (and Less Alcohol)
If your partner loves himself a big cup of coffee every morning, that can actually work in his favor when it comes to his erections. It actually makes sense when you stop to think about the fact that caffeine is a stimulant. And since caffeine stimulates our systems, as it directly relates to men, it is able to increase blood flow directly in their penile region. However, as far as alcohol goes, although 1-2 glasses a day typically is fine, there are studies which indicate that anything more than that can actually increase a man's risk of experiencing sexual dysfunction. So yeah, a bottle of wine or whiskey, right before gettin' it in? That's probably not the best idea.
6. He Needs to Smell Some Pumpkin and Lavender Oil
We bring all five senses (sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing) into our boudoir, right? So, of course, our sense of smell would play such a pivotal role in how to create the perfect sexual experience. A while back, I wrote a piece for the site on how to properly apply aphrodisiac scents, along with how to make them last longer (check out "8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last").
But when it comes, specifically, to a man being able to maintain his erection, there's a specific blend that you've just gotta keep nearby. What is it? Pumpkin and lavender, sis. It might sound crazy but there are several studies that say that when a man smells this combo, blood rushes to his penis 40 percent faster than any other smell. Hey, if that ain't a ringing endorsement for both essential oils, I promise you, I don't know what is!
7. He Needs to Put Your Legs over His Shoulders
If your partner is constantly trying to get you into the sexual position where you're on your back and your legs are over his shoulders (almost like you're a human pretzel), his erection could have a lot to do with it. That position makes it where he can get a full look at your body, he can penetrate more easily (and deeply) and he can switch back and forth from intercourse to cunnilingus—which is certainly nothing to complain about. Which brings me to my next point.
8. He Needs More Oral
When it comes to the gift of oral, if you don't like to give or receive, I guess you can skip over this point. But if you're someone who is all about getting some cunnlingus on the regular and yet you try and find every excuse under the moon to not give a little fellatio—to that I say, first read "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm" (you might be surprised by how much sperm can do a body good). Then, I'll just add that some of the happiest men I know are the ones who have a partner who enjoys oral sex, just as much as they do—on both the giving and receiving end. As a bonus, if foreplay consists of an oral sex round (maybe two), by the time you're up for intercourse, you can probably get your partner to go well into the middle of your sex playlist on Spotify. (Try it before you @ me on that.)
9. He Needs Less Stress in His Life
Stress comes in all forms and from a variety of sources. Work. Financial issues. Physical complications. Family life. RELATIONSHIPS. In fact, when it comes to men who struggle with erectile dysfunction, oftentimes their challenges are directly connected to the worry and anxiety that's transpiring in their lives. And just how is stress able to hinder a long and strong erection?
It's kind of a long story but the short of it is, whenever a guy is stressed out, that can cause his cortisol (stress hormone) levels to get really out of wack. Plus, stress can send signals to his brain that will literally hinder the blood in his body from flowing as smoothly as it should.
The bottom line is that stress benefits no one; this includes you, your partner and y'all's sex life. So, encourage the man in your life to eat right, exercise, budget, set boundaries, take out some me-time and resolve issues as soon as possible. He'll feel better and his erections will last longer as a direct result.
10. He Needs More Rest
There are dozens of reasons why getting 6-8 hours of sleep is critical to anyone's health and well-being. But since we're specifically talking about erections today, let's just say that if your partner is sleep-deprived, that is one more reason why his hard-ons may seem a bit softer. The reality is a lack of sleep can also cause our hormone levels (including a man's testosterone ones) to be all over the place. This can affect his ability to concentrate and totally wreck his blood flow (including to his penis). Yeah, a consistent amount of rest is paramount too. Make sure that he gets some, if for no other reason, for your sexual pleasure's sake. Aight? Cool.
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- What To Do If Your Partner Has Erectile Dysfunction - xoNecole ... ›
- Give Your Man The Most Intense Orgasm Of His Life - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Foods To Eat Improve Sex Life - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: KJ Smith Talks Viral Wedding With Skyh Black: ‘We Did What We Wanted To Do’
Whether it was your group chat, social media feed, or your favorite media outlet covering the spectacle, I’m pretty sure you’ve come across the viral Black wedding between actress KJ Smith (Sistas, Raising Kanan) and actor Skyh Black (All the Queen’s Men, Sistas). From their grand entrance to Jay-Z, Kayne West, and Beyoncé’s song “Lift Off” to KJ’s standout dance routine and the endless celebrity appearances, it’s an addictive TikTok scroll you can’t help but delve into.
But what many people would be surprised to know is that the couple’s original wedding plan was nothing like what it grew to be. What started as her simply scrolling through posts to get ideas eventually transformed into what the internet knows now as #TheBlackExperience. In an exclusive conversation with xoNecole, KJ walked us through her planning process, the morning of her wedding, and what she thinks of the online response.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Whether you prefer to travel in groups, solo, or on baecations, picking the right destination is a major component of ensuring a great trip. Where you go for your next vacation can come down to price, location, activity options, and a host of other things. We’ve seen how often group trips can go awry because each person has different interests and wants to do different things. But how do you pick the right place for yourself when there’s so many options to choose from?
Choosing a destination that will provide you with the most memorable experience comes down to your own needs, and believe it or not, your love language can help with that. Our love languages are a guide to how we prefer to receive love and support, as well as how we like to give it.
Knowing about our love language can help build healthy relationships, better self-care routines, and improve our overall well-being. Imagine centering your travel around the way that you like to be loved and then experiencing that each moment of your trip. Every place around the world is unique and thus can provide a different vibe and feeling for us. Figuring out the places that align with our love language can be a game changer in how we experience the world.
Whether you’re a quality time girlie like me or prefer acts of service, here’s some of the best destinations to visit based on the five love languages.
Rome, Italy
The “Eternal City” is home to the Colosseum, Trevi Fountain, and all the pasta and gelato that your heart desires. People who value acts of service love when things are done for them, and life is made easier. If that’s your jam, consider going to Rome and experiencing an authentic Italian dinner cooked by locals for you. What better act of service than having someone cook a full meal for you in their home?
No need to learn how to roll pasta dough or knead pizza. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the free-flowing wine while learning about Italian culture and having a 4-course meal provided for you. After that, take a guided city tour where someone else can show you around all the popular spots, skipping the lines and avoiding crowds.
Bangkok, Thailand
Having acts of service as your love language is not just about how others show you love but also about how you show it back. If you enjoy giving acts of service to others, consider heading to Thailand and visiting an ethical wildlife sanctuary where you can spend the day volunteering. Choose a place like Wildlife Friends Foundation Thailand, where people are not allowed to touch or ride the elephants but can help with harvesting bananas, cleaning enclosures, or even helping out in the animal clinic. You’ll leave feeling a sense of pride and knowing that your time was spent in a way that made an impact.
If your love language is physical touch, you might want to visit...
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Guatemala
There are so many ways that we can experience the love language of physical touch, and Guatemala is a tropical sanctuary that can provide just that. This South American country is full of rainforests, volcanoes, and ancient ruins and can be the perfect escape to get some TLC. Consider staying at a luxury hotel like Villa Bokeh, where you can get your physical needs met through massages, yoga, or rowing on their lagoon. And if you want to explore off the resort, get those steps in with a hike of one of Guatemala’s volcanoes.
If your love language is gift giving, you might want to visit...
Dubai
There’s no better place to go to for all your shopping needs than Dubai. Whether you are a gift giver or like to be spoiled, this is where you need to be. To start, the Dubai Mall is the largest mall in the world at over 12 million square feet. With around 1,200 shops to choose from, you are bound to find something for just about everyone. Dubai is not a budget destination, so leave a little extra space in your luggage and prepare to spend a pretty coin while you’re there. If luxury gifts aren’t your thing, head to the Covent Garden Market, where you can shop local vendors for more affordable items.
If your love language is quality time, you might want to visit...
Costa Rica
Whether you’re planning a cute baecation or a solo trip, quality time is all about disconnecting and spending intentional time with your loved one or yourself. Costa Rica is an ideal location to be off the grid and be present. Spend some special time with bae at a nice resort, enjoying a couples massage, a trip to the rainforest, or a sunset dinner. There’s something about being off the grid that allows us to be more present with each other.
If you want to get in some DND solo quality time, book a stay at Nayara Springs Resort, located on the outskirts of Antigua, where you can enjoy uninterrupted and secluded relaxation while indulging in amenities like yoga classes and a hot springs pool.
Marco VDM/Getty Images
Tanzania
There are many ways to spend quality time with yourself or others, so why not do it in one of the most beautiful countries in the world? Explore Dar es Salaam with family, learn about the history of Tanzania, and then spend more quality time at the beach on Mbudya Island. If you are looking for a more romantic trip or quality time on your own, go out to Zanzibar, the archipelago off the coast of Tanzania. Here you’ll find some of the most beautiful beaches in the world and can stroll through the historical Stone Town.
If your love language is words of affirmation, you might want to visit...
Paris, France
If words of affirmation get you feeling all tingly inside, then why not take a trip to the "City of Love," Paris, France? Not only is Paris considered the mecca for love, but French is literally one of the world’s romance languages. So take a French lesson where you can learn how to speak beautiful words about yourself, or if you’re with bae, take a stroll by the Eiffel Tower at night while sharing some of the things you appreciate about each other.
Bonus points if you can say it in French.
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