I Took A Burlesque Class That Helped Me Reclaim My Sensuality
From losing my virginity to a loser on top of a garbage can outside of a convention center, to that time in college when a man I was making out with refused to take "no" for an answer and entered me without permission, sex hasn't always created the happiest memories for me.
For me, even with the most compatible partners, an encounter that should have been vulnerable, fun, and exciting always turned out to be a scary and gut-wrenching experience that I couldn't wait to be over.
It wasn't until recently that I discovered that I may possibly be suffering from a form of PTSD that was preventing me from experiencing pleasure and making my sex life a nightmare. All my life I've had to fight for an orgasm, and now I realize that my partners weren't always the problem.
Now, with a new potential partner and more than a year's worth of pent up sexual aggression, I find myself rejecting and even sometimes being fearful of intimacy. But recently, I traveled to a mountain top in Estes Park, Colorado where I discovered the secrets of Oshun and unlocked the sexual goddess that has lived inside of me all along.
Girl Trek's Stress Protest is an annual event that focuses on getting Black women all the way in alignment, even when it comes to their sexual energy. Healing is the name of the game when it comes to this retreat, where judgment is non-existent and physical, spiritual, and emotional wellness are king. During the 3-day experience, a number of classes were offered and there were two courses that immediately stuck out to me.
The first, Awaken Your Sensuality Using the Ancient Secrets of Oshun, was led by the creator of Sex on Sundays, Kadi Janna, founder of The Pleasure Alchemy; and the other was a burlesque class taught by Headmistress of Brown Girls Burlesque, Tutu Toussaint. While at first, both classes felt equally intimidating, I knew that the only way to overcome my trauma was through it, and let me tell you, an herbal bath and a burlesque class got my yoni all the way together.
Courtesy of GirlTrek
During these classes, I learned a lot about sensuality and even more about myself. Most importantly, that I am worthy and deserving of love, sex, and pleasure without shame, guilt, or ridicule. Living in a world where your femininity, even as a child, is constantly attacked and violated can be discouraging, but rediscovering self-love and sensuality can be the key to reclaiming your time and your energy, sis.
I caught up with Kadi and Tutu after class, who gave me the tea on getting my groove back after losing touch with my sexuality and developing a fear of intimacy; here's what I learned:
Sensuality Heals
Courtesy of GirlTrek
While before taking Tutu's class, I would have never known that burlesque was alive and well in this day and age, and now, I don't want to live without it. An art form that has evolved tremendously over time, a Burlesque show is characterized by provocative routines, rambunctious spectators, and glamorous costumes, which are all combined to create one deliciously sexy striptease.
Tutu, a New York native who entered the industry only years ago, said that Burlesque is responsible for saving her life and encourages every woman reading this to find a class in her city ASAP. She explained, "It's healing. It opens up the door and can be like a portal into something that you think never thought you had, well you didn't believe and were told you didn't have. I think just having courage, even if that's just to take a class, that is the first step of practicing courage in your everyday life. Burlesque can do that."
Sensuality Is A Ritual
In Kadi The Pleasure Teacher's class, I learned about the African Goddess, Oshun, and although I don't practice Lucumi, an African religion that originated in West Africa, I must say that sis was the truth. While there are stories of Oshun stopping wars by showing her breasts, the deity is representative of more than just the influence of the male gaze, she is the embodiment of self-love and sensuality. Kadi told xoNecole, "Oshun is a true depiction of the Divine Feminine and its beauty and majesty. We learn how to be sweet and womanly from Oshun. We also learn how powerful and important feminine energy is."
In Kadi's class, I learned that I could channel her energy at any given moment by drizzling myself in a golden bath featuring a few of Oshun's favorite ingredients. The Pleasure Teacher explained, "I will take a bath in a minute. The baths are not a magic pill that makes everything go away. The baths are a tool or ritual to use when we are out of alignment. The essentials for the bath are room temperature water, Florida water, flowers, essential oils, honey, and intention, the most important ingredient."
My Sensuality Is Mine & Should Be Protected At All Costs
Courtesy of GirlTrek
While Kadi and Tutu's classes were both very different, they each brought me to a similar conclusion: sex doesn't suck. I just haven't been doing it right.
If self-love and courage are the keys to having the best orgasm of my life and accepting my body as the sexy vehicle of strength that it is, I'll take two, please. A lesson in the art of striptease and a crash course on the history of Oshun allowed me to explore and discover my sexuality without shame, guilt, or fear, and I have confidence that today, my sex life is better for it.
Registration for Stress Protest 2020 starts October 1st, click here to get your tickets before it's too late!
Featured image courtesy of GirlTrek.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images