Throughout the years, a good amount of single people have hit me up to talk about the double-edged sword that comes with dating. While on one hand, they know that it's an effective way to meet new people (or get to know someone better), when there's not an initial connection or the date itself is wack, and this happens more than three times in a row, "weary" doesn't even begin to express how it makes them feel.
I thought about this when I read an article about some of the things that folks hate the most about dating. One person said they hate it when first dates happen at the other person's house. Another said what they hate are "two-night stands"—you know, when the first two dates are fabulous, you think something real is transpiring, only to find out that he wasn't all that you thought he was—after he gets some. Someone else mentioned what they hated about dating was all of the stages we oftentimes seem to have to go through in order to finally be in an "official" relationship.
Whew chile. It's been a hot minute since I've been on a date (by choice), but man, reading all of that definitely takes me back. The uncreative dates. The time invested. The disappointments. It all can tempt you to just call it a day and Netflix and Chill by your own damn self. But before you take such drastic measures, come sit on my cyberspace couch and let's look a little deeper into what's really going on. Sometimes, when the right questions are asked, it can lead you to the answers that you need to have a better and brighter perspective on things.
Dating doesn't have to be a low-key cuss word in your mind. It's all about figuring out what you want and how to use it to your best advantage.
Perhaps scratching beneath the surface of your utter disdain will help.
What About Dating Do You Dislike?
I already shared some of the reasons why people hate dating according to the internet, but you are your own person. Can you relate to the reasons that I just shared, or do your reasons go beyond them? Maybe your dates have always been set ups that have gone totally wrong. Maybe you're an introvert or an ambivert and, for that reason, dating has always been a little awkward or even difficult. Maybe you only go on dates because society (or maybe even your mama or auntie) has made you think that, as a single woman, it's something that you're "supposed to do".
Have you ever been around a toddler who is hungry, but they don't know what they want to eat? And, since they don't know, that only further irritates them? A lot of us grown folks are a lot like that. We might know that we're unhappy about something, but until we make the time to discover why that is the case, it's going to stay that way.
So, if you do indeed hate dating, pull out a sheet of paper and jot down exactly why. Then share your thoughts with a married couple, a guy friend and a girlfriend. Be open to their insights and perspectives about what you just shared. Sometimes, just knowing the root cause of your feelings—and then gaining some wisdom from folks who care about you—can totally alter how (and why) you date, moving forward.
Have You Actually Had a Great Date Before?
Let's be honest. One of the reasons why a lot of us hate dating is because we've never been on a great date before. Sometimes it's too predictable like dinner and a movie. Other times, the guy exhibits all sorts of no-no dating behaviors like staying on his phone or flirting with the server. Maybe the attraction is there, but the communication totally sucks. Y'all know I could go on and on…and on and on about this.
A great date that I had with someone came as the result of talking to him about what I considered a great date to be ahead of time. I didn't want to plan it. I didn't want to be on the clock. I wanted to try something I had never done before. He came up with a day date that consisted of doing fun things in the day (casual wear) and then going to a really nice restaurant at night (dressing up). And yes, he got me to do something that, not only had I never done before, but I never thought I would do. It was perfect.
The reason why I just shared that little tale is while it's nice when a guy is super-intuitive, it's not fair to expect him to be a mind-reader (especially if it's the first or second date). Therefore, sharing what your idea of a great date is isn't a bad thing. From what my male friends have told me, hearing a few suggestions can actually prove to be quite beneficial.
How do you do that? Well, when he asks you out and you say "yes", it's OK to ask him what he is thinking about doing. If in your mind, you're already thinking "yuck", don't say that out of your mouth; however, do offer up some other options to consider. Ask him if he'd be open to any of those. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "You have not because you ask not." (James 4:2) When it comes to dating, this tends to very much so apply.
Do You Need to Do Some “Bad Date Detoxing”?
Something that I absolutely adore when it comes to a lot of fathers that I know is they make it a point and purpose to "date their daughters"; it's a standing appointment, every month, to do something special, just the two of them. If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, the reason why we don't "get" dating now is because our fathers didn't do the same thing for us.
That's unfortunate, but there's no time like the present to do what I call "bad date detoxing". Take a month or two to not formally go out on dates. Then, during that time, ask some of your single male friends if they would be willing to go out on a few dates with you. The objective here is not to "date" them so much as for them to help you to set a standard of what you desire and expect.
I know that this works because, after venting to some of my own single male friends about some of the foolishness that I've been through, they were like, "Girl, let me show you how a real man does it." Many times, what they came up with really did open my eyes to two things. One, that some men really do know what a proper date is like and two, that when a guy is truly invested in you, he will put in the time, effort and energy to "date you right" (meaning, date you the way you want to be dated).
Again, going on dates with your friends may seem trivial or maybe even counterproductive since what you may ultimately desire is a romantic connection. But being able to let someone who you know loves you cater to you in this way can restore your faith in men and detox you any of the resentment that you've had about dating all of this time.
Do You Have Dating Standards—and Do You Honor Them?
Dating shouldn't be a free for all. Unfortunately, a lot of us date that way, though. What I mean by that is, if a friend calls us up and tells us they have someone that they want us to meet or if we swipe right on a dating app because someone is cute and doesn't have too many typos in their correspondence, we might say to ourselves, "Why not? It can't hurt." Eh. Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to go on dates for more reasons than to have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, it's OK to have a few requirements.
If you're wondering if yours are too high, personally, I don't think there is any such thing. What I will say is, based on what your personal ones may be, it could require more patience to see them manifest. What I will also say is there's sometimes a not-so-fine line between having high standards and being totally unrealistic. If you're wondering what side of the fence you are on, click here to take a quiz and see. (It's not a serious or scientific one, but it could provide a few ah-ha moments for you.)
What Do You Personally Think Dating Is For?
Another reason why some people hate dating is because they haven't really asked themselves why they are doing it. Semi-recently, we posted a video on our IG from a woman by the name of Chance Cessna who said, "Don't just date someone who is going to accommodate today. Date someone who is going to fit your future." If what you ultimately desire is for dating to transition over into courting (because they are not one in the same), I totally agree with her. But, contrary to popular belief, I know for a fact that some women don't date in the hopes of getting into a serious relationship or finding a husband. Some people simply want to enjoy the company of members of the opposite sex. Some have no problem with casual dating.
Whatever your personal reason for dating is, you're going to get frustrated if, three dates in with someone, you find out you and he are on two totally different pages, and that it got that far because you weren't even sure what you wanted from the jump. So yeah, another way to work through dating frustrations is to figure out, for yourself, what you're dating for. If you treat it like nothing more than "something to do", your energy will probably attract people who are just as nonchalant and dismissive about it. Just something to think about.
Now that we've explored how to adjust your mindset concerning dating, let's look into what steps you should put into place.
Create a Dating Dream Board. Then Don’t Settle.
Pretty much all of us have heard of vision boards at this point. If you've never made one before because a part of you is skeptical about how truly effective they are, consider checking out articles on our site like "A Vision Board Helped 'Glow' Actress Sydelle Noel Manifest Her Best Life". There are so many people who can personally vouch for the fact that creating a vision board can help you to focus on what you really desire, provide you with a daily visual reminder of those things, and also keep you in a positive state of mind while you ask them to manifest.
Keeping all of this in mind, why not create a vision board that is totally centered around the kind of dating life you'd like to have? The type of dates you'd like to go on, the kind of man you'd like to enjoy those dates with and what you'd ultimately like those dates to lead to. A great thing about making your own dating dream board—and then posting it up in a place where you can always see it—is not only will it remind you of what you want, it will also prevent you from settling in the meantime. Black and Married with Kids has a great read on this very topic. Check out "Single Ladies: How To Manifest the Man of Your Dreams With a 2019 Vision Board" when you get a chance.
Be Open-Minded.
You might've heard the quote by artist Frank Zappa that says, "A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open." While you shouldn't be so open-minded that your brain falls out (standards, boundaries and principles exist for a reason and purpose), I will say that if all you keep saying to yourself—and anyone else who will listen—is that you hate dating, well…one definition of hate is "unwilling". You know what that means, right? You are basically putting out into the atmosphere that you are unwilling to date. No wonder your dating life is the way that it is. You've literally been standing in your own way!
So, how do you approach being more open-minded as it relates to the dating scene? If you've never let a friend fix you up, try it. If online dating scares you, what I will say is this—reportedly, 40 percent of Americans use online dating as a way to meet new people and 20 percent of folks who are currently in committed relationships met online, so why not at least consider giving it a shot? Why not do something that is a little bit out of your comfort zone?
Take the Pressure Off.
The two main rules in dating (for a woman) are to not settle and to require chivalry at all times. Everything else? Feel free to do some "editing" as you go along. What I mean by that is if you want to ask a guy out, do it. If you want to try going out with someone who isn't your traditional type, no one said you had to marry the guy—try it.
Another reason why a lot of people hate dating is because they are so tied to what they think dating should look like or they're so focused on how someone else's love story went that they end up putting more pressure onto themselves than they actually should.
If you want to break from feeling some type of way (that ain't good) about dating, stop overthinking, relax a little and embrace new ways to approach it; starting with your mindset. In time, you might be surprised how your hate—again, meaning your unwillingness—transitions into a more positive outlook—on dating and dating prospects overall. Keep us posted, please.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
Are You Guilty Of Making These Dating Mistakes?
Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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