I’m one of those people who has a song in mind for almost any keyword said in a sentence. It’s a gift and curse, to my friends and my readers. Today’s song was “Sex Room” by Ludacris and however annoying it might be, I’m excited to get into it with you all. Netflix’s recently dropped a new series – How To Build a Sex Room – which is for sure the adult HGTV series I never knew I needed. But it’s so much better than any HGTV series and honestly better than anything I could’ve anticipated.
The show explores making practical sex rooms for those who will be using them. And a sex room doesn’t always mean cold, dungeon vibes. No! Instead, part of what makes the show great is that they meet people where they are and really take into account the purpose or intended use for the sex rooms, in addition to personality. You get a good variety of luxuries mixed with the feelings of home.
And while I’m not going to spoil the show, I do want to get into what and why someone might need a sex room. Maybe you want one for yourself or maybe you’re someone who passed the preview of this show and wondered, “What’s the point?” If so, keep reading.
Reasons to Consider Having a Sex Room
(L to R) Ryan, Raj, Melanie Rose in episode 102 of How To Build a Sex Room.
Courtesy of Netflix
1. Parental Control and Boundaries
Parents who co-sleep with their children may find it difficult to maintain an air of sexiness in the very room they once created their children in. Though we might say at a certain age parents should set boundaries, realistically keeping your child in their own room is not a boundary that’s always possible. That said, parents might opt for a sex room in order to rejuvenate themselves back into the seductive period of courting prior to having children. Sometimes the boundary setting is simply a matter of changing the setting and opting for privacy in other, less seemingly dismissive ways. This can be accomplished with a sex room.
2. Separation of Home and Sex
While not every sex room is dungeon-style, some are. And regardless of the aesthetic, there may be people who wish to keep their preferred kinks as private as possible. I can’t count on one hand how many times I’ve forgotten to put away my vibrator and someone walks into my home only to see it on the coffee table. And that’s a normalized part of sex…masturbation. However, imagine having someone walk into your home and you forgot to put away your flogger or box of butt plugs, and so on? The sex room helps to provide an extra layer of privacy. Not because you wish to be secretive or feel shameful, but because keeping certain parts of your life separate from others is good form as far as boundaries go. Plus, it can be really sexy to have this part of your home where only you and your lovers exist.
3. Sex, Staycation Style
The monotony of being home and having sex in the same way, in the same place can sometimes be…annoying. But also coming across safe spaces to play with your partner can be equally…annoying. Having one at home allows you to escape the day-to-day without incurring the fees associated with sex clubs. Furthermore, there’s this unspoken rule of exclusivity where you really have to know the right people in order to find kink scenes in certain cities. Having your own sex room eliminates the need for that as you create your own.
Courtesy of Netflix
4. Swinging Made Easy
If one of your kinks is swinging, a sex room might just be mandatory. Not every city has swingers clubs and in my experience when they do have swingers clubs they aren’t always diverse (age and race-wise). But having a sex room in your home allows you to host other couples consensually, thus minimizing the requirement of having to find a couple to swing with in exclusive spaces.
5. Safe Spaces and Such
For those who are into kink and wish to try out new gadgets and contraptions, I encourage you to do so safely. But hold please, because in this case, the safety I’m speaking of is more towards reading the requirements for hanging your equipment from walls and ceilings. Because this can be necessary for swings and such, some couples may opt for a sex room in an area in their house where the ceilings are more conducive to that type of sex gear – like the basement.
The bottom line is there are many reasons that people may want sex rooms. However, I think in any case it comes down to having a safe space to be able to reconnect or even connect with ourselves in ways that weren’t made possible (for whatever reason) beforehand.
If this appeals to you, you may be wondering how to create a sex room for yourself, especially after watching the Netflix series How to Build a Sex Room. Here are some ways.
- Self-Survey: Remember A.S.L via Aim? You should and if you don’t you’re far too young to be reading this article. But similar to that, you want to get a quick and dirty rundown of what you're looking for out of your sex room. So, in this case, A.S.L stands for "agenda, sex, and location."
- Agenda – What do you wish to get out of this sex room? What is your why?
- Sex – What type of sex or touch do you intend to have in this space? How do you intend to utilize this space? Is it a swinging space, or one that is just for you and bae? Do you want to explore new kinks or are you pretty airtight on the things you want to try?
- Location – Where in your home do you envision this work of art being crafted? Are we keeping it in the bedroom or do we want it somewhere covert?
(L to R) Ryan, Raj, Melanie Rose in episode 101 of How To Build a Sex Room.
Courtesy of Netflix
- DIY or For Hire: This one is rather simple. Hmm, on second thought, if you’re someone who doesn’t understand limitations, like me, you might have a difficult time realistically gauging how to go about building your sex room. Nevertheless, you must decide if this is something you want to pull a “do it yourself” with or if it requires you to hire a contractor. Perhaps a combination of the two – it simply depends on the answers to the first two questions.
- Secret Shopper: Purchase the toys you’ll need to fill this space. However don’t get caught up like a kid at Christmas, as we want this space to be fulfilling but efficient – not cluttered. You might consider creating a list of must-haves to get you started and then creating a secondary. Wishlist.
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Featured image courtesy of Netflix
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Over the years, things started shifting for me. The way I viewed this coveted series of events began affecting my mental health. While I thought I had a strong sense of self, fashion week had me wondering who I was and if I was worthy.
The hardest truth: it’s draining. Schedules are packed from dawn to dusk with endless engagements—you’re constantly stressing over what to wear, how you’ll come across in photos and on social media, and whether you’ll even make it into the shows.
The Dream vs Reality
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In 2018, I penned an essay sharinghow New York Fashion Week made me doubt myself. Then, I was living in Denver, traveling to the Big Apple to partake in the fashion week festivities. I had been excited about becoming one of the street style icons photographers captured, but when I arrived at my first show of the season at Industria, I noticed a disheartening trend. Photographers mostly focused on white and Asian women, often overlooking Black women. As I entered the show, I felt even more intimidated, questioning my worth and wondering if I wasn’t good enough for the front row.
While I was still trying to figure out my place in the space, there was still a beauty behind the chaos. B.C., before COVID-19, the atmosphere was real and somewhat inclusive. Within the dynamic landscape of social media, TikTok content creators have become highly valued assets, triggering a ripple effect of significant changes and transformations.
Since I am such a huge empath, I feel all the things and intensely. A year ago, I wrote, “This fashion week definitely hit different for me. It felt heavier and not as fun as it used to be. One day, once I’ve processed everything with my therapist, I’ll be able to talk about the psychological Olympics that overwhelm me, from what to wear to not being accepted by certain groups — it’s just so much. And we don’t talk about what it does to your mental. I’m definitely living in the BOTH/AND space — it felt grueling, and I felt blessed.”
I’m ready to talk about it now. In reality, the fashion industry is not for the faint of heart. Although I cherish the sense of community and sisterhood I have built, there are moments when loneliness creeps in. From panic attacks to feeling like you’re having a perpetual hangover, it’s just so stressful.
Someone gets to decide whether you’re worthy of partaking in a show or party without actually knowing you. That kind of judgment does damage to your self-esteem. As time passes, I find myself with limited patience for individuals who harbor uncertainties about my identity and contributions.
In the realm of fashion week, an exclusive atmosphere exists, reminiscent of the "mean girls" clique. Some individuals derive pleasure from denying others the opportunity to join their circle, both metaphorically and physically. And now, this thing that used to bring me joy has become a reminder of what I haven’t achieved even though my friends and family look at me, and it appears that I am living my best life.
Then, there’s the absence of inclusivity, particularly in terms of body diversity, has left a lasting impression on me as the reflection of women who look like me, a size 14, dwindle every season.. The 2020 of it all had the brands wanting to check the boxes and “do it for the culture.” But now, four years later, the promises of inclusion have worn off, and the runways and presentations are back to their white-washed-size-4 ways.
A New Perspective
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Now, as a resident of Brooklyn, I've made a conscious decision this season to experience New York Fashion Week on my terms. This means prioritizing events and shows that genuinely resonate with me and align with my values. No more going to events to be seen — I am more concerned about how my life feels than what it looks like to others. NYFW can often be overwhelming with its fast-paced schedule and plethora of options, but I'm choosing to approach it mindfully.
No more 12-hour days where I don’t eat and spend $300 on Ubers.Rather than feeling pressured to attend every event or show, I'm focusing on curating a personalized experience. I'm taking the time to research designers and brands whose ethos and aesthetics align with my own. This allows me to connect with the creative vision behind the collections and appreciate the artistry and craftsmanship that goes into each design.
By attending shows that speak to me, I'm not only supporting the designers I admire but also immersing myself in a creative environment that inspires and invigorates me. I'm able to engage with like-minded individuals, exchange ideas, and gain fresh perspectives on fashion as the amazing art form I have always loved it to be.
For me, NYFW is about more than just seeing the latest trends. It's an opportunity to immerse myself in a vibrant community of creatives and celebrate the transformative power of fashion. By attending events that fill me up, I'm not only experiencing the spectacle of NYFW but also enriching my creative journey.
See how I take care of my mental health — very cute, very demure, very mindful.
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