In xoNecole's "How She Got Here", we uncover the journey of fearless, ambitious women at the top of their game with unconventional not-so-everyday careers. Instead of asking them about their careers, xoNecole dissects the hardships, rejections and nontraditional roads travelled by these women to create the positions they have today.
While Grace Lynne Haynes may be the 28-year-old painter behind the scenes, her artwork surely isn't. We're willing to bet that your favorite New Yorker covers starring "flat female figures in a single line," as described by Elle.com, have been curated by the Los Angeles native herself. "I find that Black women are leaning towards more diverse representations. We've all heard of the strong Black woman archetype, and I think so many of us are tired of this type of imagery," Haynes told xoNecole about the evolution of artistic portrayal of Black women, especially during the height of the Black Lives Matter movement.
"I know so many Black women who crave representation that showcases other attributes to our womanhood such as our nurturing side, the way we have kinship with one another and our vulnerability which is often left unprotected. I see more of these presentations through various art films such as television, social media and photography. Could there be a more diverse and nuanced representation? Of course, but we have come a long way."
Though there is no traditional route or rulebook to becoming an artist, Grace Lynne acknowledges her journey as one that she has learned from to become the woman in the creative spaces that she is today. "I got here simply through hard work, sacrifice, and faith in God," the Art Center College of Design graduate told xoNecole. "Stepping into my artistic identity was a spiritual decision, and when you are connected to your creative spirit, it will guide you on where to go and whom to go to."
For this installment of "How She Got Here", xoNecole spoke with Grace Lynne about the spiritual journey that led her to her artistry, getting rejected from her top choice graduate school and the lessons she's learned along the way of her journey as an artist:
AN ARTISTS’ DUTY IS TO REFLECT THE TIME
Courtesy of Grace Lynne
At the beginning of our interview, Haynes quoted singer-songwriter and activist Nina Simone to best describe who she is as an artist and why she does what she does: "An artist's duty is to reflect the time." "I firmly believe that an artist shows what society has the potential to be, or reflects the reality of society to its audience," she said as she defined her purpose.
Grace Lynne Haynes always knew that she had a keen interest in art from a young age, but stopped drawing during her teenage years because she felt "discouraged and didn't see the purpose." It wasn't until her early 20s when she began to sit with her purpose and passion for art and strategically shape her future around happiness and her pursuit of it. After exploring art through community art classes and Tumblr blogging, Haynes had a spiritual moment of realization and tapped into the new artistic waves of her brain.
"Colors were brighter, scents were stronger and it was as if my life experience overall was enhanced and much more visible. Since then, I made a commitment to dedicate my life to art making. This wasn't just a practical decision, it was spiritual. This made the journey seamless and everflowing, because I was in my purpose and I was willing to do the hard work."
When Haynes decided to take her passion and transform it into a career, she started as a commercial illustrator and designer - but admittedly had much apprehension about the flow of money. "Coming from a low-income background, I knew I wanted to pursue a creative career but was afraid of the income trajectory. I figured commercial art was a way to be creative and bring in consistent income." Throughout her undergraduate career she had various jobs throughout her career path that both generated income and drive for her passion, including painting for a denim company, freelance commissioning for theatre companies, teaching art classes, and working as a Communications Manager for a non-profit. "Transitioning into the gallery world so soon was a complete surprise. I always say the gallery world chose me, not the other way around. I always painted as a hobby, and showcased my works online. Eventually my hobby started to garner more attention than my commercial art and I was able to become a full-time artist," Haynes revealed to xoNecole.
Above all things, her confidence in her talent and artistic abilities is a key component in who Grace Lynne Haynes is today. "If I'm not confident, then my creativity lacks and I'm not motivated to be ambitious. Even at the very early stages of my career, I've always been super confident in my work," she said. "I would apply for top notch residencies, art programs and scholarships even though my work was still in the development stages. My applications and artist statements were always confident, and this led me to Kehinde Wiley's Black Rock Senegal Residency which completely changed my life and career."
THE CREATIVE PROCESS
Unfortunately, during the coronavirus, like most creatives, Haynes had to readjust and turn lemons into lemonade. "Each day looks different, especially because of COVID and I am also in graduate school," said the current Rutgers University student about her day-to-day routine as an artist. "On a typical weekday, I have class in the morning, and I head to my art studio right after. Some days instead of going to the studio I'll read a book that is related to my art thesis. The book I am currently reading is Glitch Feminism by Legacy Russell. Some days, with all of the heaviness in the world, I don't feel inspired to create so I'll do research or sketch to take the pressure off."
When it comes to the actual painting, Haynes prefers to sketch before hitting the brushes and toy around with compositions and colors. "For the pose, sometimes I'll have a friend pose for me or will do a few poses myself for visual reference. After a bit of experimentation, I begin to paint on the actual canvas itself."
"The majority of my ideas come from an accumulation of imagery and experiences I have collected within my subconscious or on my laptop. In my work, I like to use color as a verb, as a form of action. I'm very interested in the colors that we choose to wear and surround ourselves with and how that shapes our environment."
Similar to her creative process, the journey of being an artist - a Black female artist at that - is no cake walk, but Haynes has mastered the art of riding the wave and learning to go with the flow.
THE NEW YORK[ER] STATE OF MIND
When you trust the process, you'd be surprised at the outcome and where life can lead you. Who would've thought that this would have led Grace Lynne Haynes to land her acclaimed interpretation of Sojourner Truth on the cover of The New Yorker to mark the hundredth anniversary of the Nineteenth Amendment. She described the major placement as "the most thrilling experience," especially during the peak of the Black Lives Matter movement. "So many people were supporting Black artists by reposting and sharing our artworks. I received about 8,000 new followers in less than two weeks, which led to my work attracting the attention of VOGUE and eventually The New Yorker. They reached out about the opportunity to submit sketches to celebrate the '100th Anniversary of Women's Rights'. I had two days to make the painting, and stayed up all night to finish the final product. It was all worth it in the end and I'd do it all over again."
As an advocate for Black women through her work, and as she said in a CNN interview, Grace Lynne takes it upon herself to "explore what it means to be a Black woman in 2020" in her artwork.
"In my work, I strive to think about how being both a millennial and a Black woman have shaped my perspective on womanhood. I think this is an era where Black women are finally getting opportunities to pursue freedom. We are able to have flourishing careers, pursue our passion and be more selective about who we choose to partner with."
"There are so many sacred havens, especially online, of Black women coming together and giving tips on how to survive and thrive in this world with what has been given to us. I strive to showcase Black women in their own sacred spaces and interiors," she continued to tell xoNecole. "The way we choose to decorate these interiors, and the colors we choose to showcase all are representative of our individual identities. I strive to showcase this in my work. "
5 Lessons We Learned From Grace Lynne's Career Journey
Don’t Think, Just Do
"One of the major challenges is the pressure to make art strictly for capital gain. It's important that the work comes from the heart, and not to think too much about how it fits into the 'art market' or if it will sell. Thinking about this waters down my art process, and creates an anxious art process. Fortunately, I am now at a place to fully explore my creativity without any bounds. I think every artist should do check-ins with their work to make sure the market isn't swaying their decision on what to create."
Patience Is Key
"I've never had a moment where I wanted to give up or change career paths. Even through intense struggle and rejection, I knew that this is all part of the journey. I've had moments where I thought, is the hard work really worth it? But I realized sometimes it takes a few years for the world to notice the work. Paintings that I created over four years ago are finally getting recognition. Sometimes it's dependent on timing."
Learning The Difference Between Loneliness & Being Alone
"I've learned that success is great, but it doesn't mean much if you have no one to celebrate it with. I used to isolate myself when creating and building my career. When things began to pick up, I looked around and realized I wasn't too happy with my social life and relationships that I was building. My mental health was not at its best either, and it was affecting my interactions with people. I took time to slow down and focus on my personal life, and ensure that I had a stable and supportive community around me. It's so important to not neglect your mental health, because success can feel empty if you don't have a well-rounded life. Career success isn't the only type of success, and shouldn't be the only focus in your life. Balance is essential for a more well-rounded type of success."
Start From The Bottom & You’ll Get Here
"Do the work, there is no way out of it. We all have to pay our dues. In the beginning, you'll have to deal with the rejection letters, working to build others careers, and doing jobs that you aren't passionate about. This is part of the process, and it's a season we all have to cope with. Remember everyone has a different timeline, and sometimes your career might blossom at a different pace than your peers and this is OK. Also don't let your ego get in the way of great opportunities for fear of rejection. I know so many artists that don't apply for opportunities because they hate the idea of being rejected. Develop a healthy detachment from your work to be able to not take everything personally, and look at your work outside of yourself."
No Regrets, Just Lessons Learned
"I've made many mistakes in my career and will continue to do so because I am human. It is all a part of the journey, that is how you learn and grow. I've been fired from certain positions, missed deadlines and opportunities, and miscommunicated. I can't turn back or redo anything so I simply look forward knowing that I am not perfect and I am a young artist still figuring out her way."
For more information on Grace Lynne, follow her on Instagram and check out her official website.
Featured image courtesy of Nick Romanenko
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7 Sex-Related Problems That Ruin Sex (And Possibly Your Relationship)
Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me to define one of the main purposes of sex in a long-term relationship: “Probably the most intimate form of communication that we have is sex because it’s an act that connects one’s physical, mental and emotional state to another human being simultaneously — and communication doesn’t get much more profound than that.”
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”Giphy
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your PastGiphy
There is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual NeedsGiphy
Question — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual NeedsGiphy
A husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” ApproachGiphy
Lazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping MechanismGiphy
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking ItGiphy
I will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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