How To Get Guys To See You As The Relationship Type
I think it's safe to say that you feel my pain if you've ever encountered men who wanted to casually date you instead of viewing you as a woman who they can give a title to. To be honest, this treatment falsely affirmed in my mind that no matter what I would do, the only guys who would want me would be the ones who craved immediate and short-term attention instead of men who liked to plan surprise dates for their girlfriends, brag to their friends about shopping for engagement rings, or write the sweetest messages to their women they nicknamed their "other half".
My constant disappointment led me to think about the ways I could start preparing myself for the one who would want to become committed to me—which I eventually did—and what behaviors I would have to change in order to stay out of the casual friend zone. Here are ways I changed the tone of what I wanted in my love life for the better.
Get comfortable in having uncomfortable talks.
Oftentimes, the miscommunication in thinking that I was the "fun girl" instead of the "ideal woman" was because I got afraid of asking the important "where do we stand or where do you see this going?" questions to men I really wanted to be in a relationship with. So how did I get past this?
I had to give myself permission to be content with any man that didn't value long-term commitment and consistent communication. If I found myself asking questions such as, How come we never go out on dates? Why do I only hear from him weekly instead of every other day? Why doesn't he express himself to me? What about me makes him flirty and physically attracted to me but never emotionally available for me?, then I knew it was time to ask for honest answers.
I didn't always get the answer I wanted, and girl, nobody likes rejection. Hearing I liked someone way more than they liked me felt like someone added extra gratuity on a tab that I didn't see coming. But, was it worth it to know the answers before I invested months or even years thinking that he would eventually change and wife me up? Absolutely! Becoming more comfortable asking these questions with the men I wanted to be with was a big timesaver instead of trying to break down the meaning of his mixed-signals to my girls every chance I got. At the end of the day, words can sometimes be just words, so I knew I had to take this a step further to really get more results from the men I pursued.
Master the art of studying habits instead of words/actions.
My rule of thumb is to trust habits over words and actions. Serious question, how many talks about a guy's behavior was I going to have with him? The more I started observing the things he was consistent in doing, such as texting me only at night or while he's at work, the conversations that interested him, the activities/places he was consistently talking about going, or how he treated me when I was and wasn't around him, a lot of things made sense. I made the choice to take off the rose-colored glasses and get my answers in studying his behaviors. A man who is looking for a woman to be committed to will show it in his daily actions, habits, and movements.
Habits are a part of who we are. It's much easier to trust a person who repeatedly shows you how they feel, versus someone who just throws in a few words or a few actions here and there. This also meant the same for me, I made sure my actions matched my "I want to be a girlfriend" language.
Stick to people, places and things that mirror what I wanted.
Instead of complaining about why I can't find a man, I started to spend more time doing things that would attract the right kind of men. I took myself out on dates, went to the gym, and embraced hanging around my friends who had successful relationships. I didn't want to be bitter about not having the man of my dreams, because why should the next person take on my emotional baggage from my previous dating life?
As much as I could, I avoided the guys who actively looked for one-night stands, stopped talking to my exes who wanted situationships, and any other people or hangout areas where I knew I would be wasting my time. I sought becoming a walking brand that demonstrated I am more than worthy for a great man and I'm not interested in being anyone's friend with benefits.
Getting treated like the queen you are can be a real struggle, but it's not impossible. Hopefully, these strategies that I used for myself can help you narrow down the kind of man that is looking for the same qualities as you are.
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Featured image by Getty Images
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Tori Glaude is a relationship coach, author, and blogger on a lifelong mission to empower women so they can achieve their goals. When she's not working, Tori enjoys kickboxing and trying out new restaurants in her hometown, D.C. You can connect with her on Instagram @toriautumncoaching and at tautumncoaching.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy