Skincare. It's the hot button topic in the beauty world and everywhere you look, there's a new product to fill our carts with both online and in store.
As brands increase their awareness surrounding "inclusion," it's important to note that many Black women deal with skin issues that individuals of other ethnic groups don't experience. So how exactly do we know what products to put our dollars towards and which ones to leave on the shelf? When all else fails, there's nothing wrong with asking for some expert help, so we called in a doctor, literally.
Dr. Tiffany Clay is a board-certified dermatologist based in the heart of Atlanta, Georgia. After struggling with skin issues ranging from pubescent acne to eczema in her early 20's, Dr. Clay now finds herself assisting others with their skin issues through general dermatology and cosmetic procedures. She also uses her platform to increase awareness surrounding skincare education. She stresses that like most health concerns, "Things don't have to be terrible for you to go to the dermatologist."
These days, it may seem as if just about everyone with clear skin and a decent social media following can be a skincare guru, but nothing beats the real, board-certified deal! Today, the doctor is in to answer all of your most-asked skincare concerns:
What is the best way for people with oily skin to manage their skin type?
COSRXAHA/BHA Clarifying Treatment Toner, $17
Oily skin actually makes you look more youthful when you get older, so embrace that oily skin! They say that the oilier your skin is, the more plump your skin will become [as you age], which reduces wrinkle production. If you're more on the oily side, use products that are more clarifying and will keep you at a good pH balance.
Sometimes the thought is that if the skin is oilier, you want to dry it out, but your skin is going to realize that and produce more oil for you. Try not to go overboard with products that are going to make your skin feel squeaky clean; I recommend using a cleanser or toner that has a BHA and AHA, which will unclog the pores and remove the excess oil left on the skin.
Is there truly a way to minimize large pores?
Drunk Elephant T.L.C. Framboos™ Glycolic Night Serum, $90
Pores are a function of the structure for the rest of the skin, so you need healthy, plump skin to hold your pores together so they're not "looser," which makes them appears wider. As we age, the pores lose their structure by not being held up by the rest of the skin and that happens from day to day sun damage, not wearing sunscreen, and losing our collagen, which is one of the components that keeps our skin nice and tight.
When that happens, all of this breaks down our collagen then we realize our pores are wide. Also, make sure your pores are decongested from oil and dirt. You can do this by getting facials, extractions, or at home by using those acids like Beta Hydroxy Acid (BHA) and Hyaluronic Acid (HA), which are going to get those different components out of the pore. Then, you want to do something that's going to start to build up the skin structure again and tighten it. For this, there are Retinoids, which are Vitamin A derived creams and gels that you typically apply at night that helps you build new collagen in your skin.
What would you say is the best remedy for dark marks, acne scar, and hyperpigmentation?
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30, $18.99
Number one is always use sunscreen. As women of color, we aren't accustomed to wearing sunscreen and think we don't need sunscreen because we have melanin to protect our skin. But when we sit in the car and walk around outside, just those short few minutes that we're exposed to ultraviolet light can actually make our dark marks darker or make them not resolve as quickly as they could. You can't fade something if you're allowing it continuously get darker. So again, sunscreen! It's definitely a hard habit to get into but it's worth it. Also, don't pick your pimple. The short-term relief of it could resolute in the long-term effect of a dark spot.
There's this fad where people are using Apple Cider Vinegar, lemon juice, and toothpaste [on their face]. We don't think about it but a lot of these products are acidic and I haven't seen the cases where it works; I've only seen the cases where people come in with chemical burns on their dark spot or pimple and now we have even more hyperpigmentation to remove from the results of damaged skin. Lastly, if it's something that you're struggling with alone, just see a doctor because we could make it more manageable and clear it up faster than if you did it alone.
What sunscreen would you recommend for WOC?
EltaMD UV ClearBroad-Spectrum SPF 46
You always want to have a sunscreen that's an SPF 30 or higher. One of my favorite oil-free sunscreens is by EltaMD called UV Clear Broad-Spectrum. It's actually made for people with acne and hyperpigmentation. Another good one is CeraVe Ultra-Light Face Moisturizing Lotion SPF 30, which is really thin and light. For someone who needed something a little richer, Revision Multi-Protection Broad-Spectrum, and [it's] on the higher-end with built in anti-aging antioxidants.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Stories
I Don't Have Perfect Skin & That's Okay – Read More
The Best Products For Acne-Prone Skin In 2018 – Read More
Why I Am No Longer Using Loofahs & Washcloths To Shower – Read More
I Got A Chemical Peel & This Is What Happened – Read More
- The Dermatologist-Approved Way To Give Your Quarantine Skin A Summertime Glow - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Skincare Trends 2021: What's In & New In Skin - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Best Skincare Experts On TikTok - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Winter Skincare Guide Beauty Tips Products - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Six Dr. Pimple Popper-Approved DIY Beauty Tips That Actually Work ... ›
- Dermatologist-Recommended Skin Care Tips for Acne | Teen Vogue ›
- Skin Care Advice From Dermatologists - 7 Doctor-Recommended ... ›
- Skin care tips for men | American Academy of Dermatology ›
- Skin Care Tips From Dermatologists - 13 Things Your Dermatologist ... ›
- Skin care | American Academy of Dermatology ›
- The Worst Skin Care Advice Dermatologists Hear | Reader's Digest ›
- 14 Skin Tips Dermatologists Actually Use on Themselves for ... ›
- 11 Dermatologists Share Their Skin Care Tips & Advice For ... ›
- 25 Skincare Tips Your Dermatologist Wants You to Know | Byrdie ›
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”
GiphyI can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your Past
GiphyThere is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual Needs
GiphyQuestion — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual Needs
GiphyA husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” Approach
GiphyLazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping Mechanism
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking It
GiphyI will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
