"Just drink water." There is nothing more irritating than scrolling down your Instagram feed, seeing all these women with naturally perfect skin – glowing in the sun with not a blemish in sight – and their magical advice to achieve clear skin is: drink water.
Well, I want to know what water these ladies are drinking because I have been drinking my water and have tried every natural skin regimen under the sun promoted by our favorite YouTubers with no success.
Since middle school, I have had mild to severe breakouts. Nothing too terrible, but enough to be noticable and impact my confidence when the increased discoloration and acne scarring began to become a topic of conversation. In high school, I went to see a dermatologist and was prescribed an acne medication, which virtually eradicated my breakouts; it was miracle. Using acne cream basically allowed me to forget I even had it.
Problem solved... Or so I thought.
Despite its success, deep down, I used to feel ashamed whenever someone would comment on how clear my skin was or ask for my "secret" and it was acne cream. It made me feel like I was cheating somehow, or that I wasn't trying hard enough to research and find a regimen that would give me clear skin without any medication. I had friends with nearly perfect skin and they didn't use acne cream, and thought, Why couldn't that be me? On YouTube, I found so many influencers broadcasting their successful transitions from acne medication, encouraging viewers to reject a life "enslaved to chemicals" to "free ourselves" and "take control over our health and futures."
So, I decided to do just that and go rogue.
Two years ago, I went on a quest to completely wean myself off of chemicals. I was so desperate to go all-natural in every way – my hair, diet, and skin – and was confident that if I put in the time and energy, I would have luscious curls, a snatched waist, and glowing skin. I got 1.5 out of the 3 right, but my abrupt transition off of acne medicine without consulting my doctor or selecting one particular skin care regimen nearly permanently damaged my skin.
I approached natural skin care the same way I approached my natural hair journey: I would hop from product to product, watch countless videos and mix methods, and somehow through process of elimination, I would determine what worked vs. what didn't. It was a disaster. Determined, I really tried to stick it out, telling myself that I just needed more time for my face to adjust, but my skin was super sensitive to all of the DIY mixers and elixirs I was cooking up and I began to develop severe hyperpigmentation and cystic acne – far worse than anything I experienced before my original medication.
Not only was I out there looking crazy and smelling like a pine cone from all the tea tree oil I was using to treat my breakouts, but my self-confidence was really taking a hit. I still look at *unedited* selfies from that period and cringe.
It was one evening before a school formal event that I reached my breaking point.
My face was so raw and tender from all of the scrubbing, face masks, and chemicals that applying makeup was not only painful but made me worry about the makeup further inflaming and breaking out my skin. Additionally, the thought of getting ready and going to this event without any makeup sent me into a panic. Everyone would see the discoloration, the bumps, I just couldn't to do that. So I decided, I wouldn't go. Later that evening, I watched on Snapchat as everyone was out at this event, enjoying themselves and living their best lives, while I sat in bed applying yet another face mask. Wistful, I scrolled back through my phone onto pictures of my skin before I stopped using my acne cream and it seemed like a different world. I was sick of smelling like a pine cone. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to return to my acne medication.
Maybe, I'm a sellout. Maybe, I didn't wait long enough or went about transitioning the wrong way. Maybe, I don't care.
I don't have perfect skin and I'm OK with it.
Acne medication just happens to be a part of my narrative and it works for me. All I know is that I didn't look or feel the way I wanted to when I stopped using my acne cream, and I will pursue whatever regimen, chemicals or not, that make me look and feel beautiful. I wouldn't have stopped using my acne cream if I didn't feel shamed into pursuing natural regimens, and after consulting with my dermatologist this time around, I transitioned to a cream with increasingly lower chemical percentages and that can be used less frequently and eventually, not at all.
Chemicals and medications are not inherently bad or harmful if used correctly.
The primary prescription I personally use is Duac, a clindamycin benzoyl peroxide topical gel as a spot treatment. I started off at 10% strength and have been slowly decreasing the intensity over time. When money is tight, I opt for a dupe on Amazon that I have had good success with called Replenix. When I first returned to prescription acne treatments, I was using Duac and Tazorac, a retinoid, to basically remove my entire top layer of damaged skin and address my hyperpigmentation and acne scarring. But, I HATED it. Although it was technically successful, my skin peeled for weeks and was super raw and tender. I couldn't even wear foundation without looking diseased. As soon as I ran out of my dosage, I immediately stopped using it. Alternatively, I do chemical peels every 3-4 weeks to balance my complexion, my favorite being the Microdelivery Resurfacing Peel by Philosophy. For cleansers and moisturizers, I use Neutrogena Oil-Free cleanser every night or with a spin brush 2-3 times a week and Cetaphil face lotion – nothing fancy.
My story isn't an unwavering endorsement of acne medication. I still drink a lot of water, try not to touch my face with dirty hands, and limit my consumption of greasy foods, and honestly, in a perfect world, I wouldn't use chemicals at all. But, rather than feel ashamed and boxed into a corner regarding perceptions, I am here to say that everyone's experience is different and it's okay to do whatever works for you. Just ensure that you are properly informed and feel empowered in whatever decision you make.
So, if you are considering transitioning from acne medication, go for it. Just go about it correctly. If you want to embrace your skin as-is, go for it. Just know that your journey may not pan out the way you originally imagined and you are free to go about it however you want. And, if you want to continue using your prescription, I'm right here with you.
It's your skin, it's your life, it's your choice.
Featured image by Lydia Anglin
As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY Means
GiphySo, let's do first things first — let's define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of "What does platonic mean?", the first thing that you're (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of "of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex" (Merriam-Webster), "designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity" (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, "purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes" (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I'll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word "platonic" actually come from? From what I've researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled "Symposium." In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire, one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: "Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry." A write-up on Merriam-Webster's site stated that "The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships." Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that's another article for another time, though (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term' Casual Sex'").
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word "platonic" is kind of used in "broad strokes" these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be "just friends," I'm going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
You ready?
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…
GiphyAt this stage in my life, I'm pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I'll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He's super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often, and some have told us that they assume that we've had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: "I told him, 'He's my brother. We would never mess around.'"
My Friend: "Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it."
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: "Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives." (That reminds me: check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?" when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: "Girl, yeah. If I didn't want to keep you in my life long-term, I would've tried to holla a long time ago!" And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these "for real?!" exchanges is even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn't mean there isn't a "dormant seed" lying around somewhere…whether it's one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life; we've had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren't exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you're not sure about "his"…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?
GiphyNow that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you, yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other, and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article, yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship, yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC Friendships
GiphyBefore I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you've got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you've never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he's someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it's one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who's been together for more than five years and I'll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out "Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?").
Yeah, just because you've filed someone in the "I see him as a good guy" category, that doesn't automatically mean that y'all's friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels, yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don't get it twisted — I've considered him because, on so many levels, we "fit." So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are "good friends," yet it's not exactly platonic.
I'm not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would've been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn't make you want to throw up in your mouth, there's a pretty good chance that it's not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there's a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All Costs
GiphyLet me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive, yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic, and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way, too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
______
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images
