Semi-recently, while talking to a client about why they were semi-dreading the fall season, it reminded me of something that a former sex partner of mine once told me. I’ll start with what my client said first. “Shellie, I don’t know what it is about the fall, but I can go the whole year without thinking about [so-and-so], and then, suddenly, November hits and I’m horny as hell — not just for anyone but him. It’s crazy!"
Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. I say that because…peep what my ex-sex buddy used to tell me when he would find himself doing his own version of “Hey Big Head”, in text form to me, every October for about five years or so. “Everyone has a sex clock. There are some people who stand out to you sexually who you definitely find yourself craving around the same time of year that you started having sex with them. People don’t talk about it but it’s real.”
Now as far as how “common” it is, I’m not exactly sure. However, what I will say is that whenever I happen to share this concept with other individuals (clients included), 8 times outta 10, I basically get the same type of response. First, they look at me like I’m crazy, then they pause and reflect and then their mouth opens wide as if in shock that my sex-ex just may be onto something…BIG.
Now before we get into all of this, I’ll let you know, off the rip, that I can’t find an exact science to back his theory up specifically.
At the same time, though, there is other types of data surrounding the topic of sex and what it does to our minds that could cause you to believe that he’s not totally off base in thinking that a “sex clock” just might be an actual thing; that it’s something that hell, he should at do a Ted Talk — or YouTube video or Instagram Live — about so that more folks won’t think that they are going low-key insane should it happen to them.
Ah, sex clocks. Let me explain further.
This Is How Sex Affects Your Memory
GiphyIn order to lay some foundation here, let’s first talk about how sex affects your memory, in general. For starters, did you know that vagina-penis intercourse has actually been proven to improve both your learning capabilities as well as your memory (it also decreases anxiety and depression)? Probably the easiest way to explain how and why is when you engage in this type of sexual intimacy, it strengthens your hippocampus which is the part of your brain that is not only responsible for learning and memory but how you process emotions too. Okay, so intercourse between a man and a woman boosts memory power and also taps into one’s emotions. Bookmark that.
HuffPost published an article several years back entitled, “Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience.” Two things that the article said was “Researchers are seeing that certain areas of the brain light up depending on the thoughts, actions and experiences of a person” and “The rush of 'love' chemicals; dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, opiates and other neurotransmitters, fill our body and brain quickly to produce the incredible feelings of love and attachment…” to the point where, if the action (in this case sex) happens several times, it can actually “codify” (makes plans or arrangements) your brain — and stays there.
Once that transpires, “our memories dictate how we will feel about a similar situation because our brain and body is coded from past experience.”
Now, if your brain can “code” the experience, don’t you think that it can also “code” the time when you were first introduced to the experience? Let’s keep going.
The Impact That Nostalgia Has on Your Sex Life
GiphyAh, nostalgia. If there’s one thing that is underestimated, far more than it ever should be when it comes to relationships, it’s that. In fact, I was recently in a counseling session with an engaged couple who happen to be each other’s first love.
What they are working through right now is if the potency of being each other’s first love is enough to get them through just how much they’ve changed since they first dated one another (chile, I totally get it; check out “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”). A part of the reason why it’s hard for them to process all of this clearly is because of the power of what nostalgia can actually do to a person.
Case in point. Although nostalgia — you know, reflecting on the past — can create warm fuzzies (if what happened in the past is good), it’s also the ultimate “editor” in the sense that, if you’re not careful, it can put you into a state of denial about the entire experience. Not only that but nostalgia can get you to idealize situations too.
I totally get this because the guy who introduced me to the whole sex clock idea, although sex with him was pretty good (at least most of the time) and he actually was my first as far as certain types of sexual…umm…things…LOL, overall, he kind of was an ass yet because my memories of him would go to how he made me feel sexually first, whenever those texts would come, that would be the initial thing that I would think about — and if I did indulge him, it wasn’t until after a couple of weeks (or months) of copulation, with him, AGAIN, that I’d realize…”Ohhh, this is why I stopped sleeping with your ass…because you are an ass.” (Not mean or anything like that, just…selfish AF.)
Anyway, if you can relate on any level to what I’m saying here, just like the nostalgic memories of Thanksgiving or Christmas can do a real number on you every time the holiday season rolls around, why couldn’t the same thing happen if you recall the time of year when you had some amazing sex with someone and that month or season creeps back around too?
Yep. Bookmark all of this as well as we keep on going.Yes, Other Factors Play a Role in Your Peak Desires for Sex
GiphyIf you add to all of what I’ve already stated, the power of sexual chemistry — whew, chile. Definitely a part of the reason why some people tend to have a bigger sexual impact on us than others typically starts with sexual chemistry because that is all about the immediate physical attraction that you feel towards someone else — and that can’t be faked nor does it happen with just anyone.
Shoot, even when I reflect on my sexual past now, although I had pretty satisfying sex with about 75 percent of my partners, there are some who, to this day, are able to bring a certain smile to my face that others do not — and it’s because of the magnetic connection we shared and yes, having a deep mutual attraction definitely played a huge role in that.
If you then factor in the hormone levels/sex drive that you had at the time of engaging someone who you had a strong sexual connection with (for instance, if it’s someone from your 20s when most folks’ hormones are absolutely raging), the type of relationship that you had with that individual (for example, even if you weren’t officially together, they still made you laugh or feel safe or impacted you in a way that others didn’t or haven’t) and even if you take into account some of the other monumental things that may have been transpiring in your life at the time when you were being intimate with them.
Again, doesn’t it make sense that around the time when they first entered your world, sexually, your mind, body, and spirit may go back there and relive it all on some level, every time that time of year rolls around? Even if it’s just for a brief moment?
At Least Consider the Idea of a “Sex Clock” Before Taking Action
GiphyHmph. With all that has been covered, suddenly a “sex clock” makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, even I will say that what’s truly wild about all of this is? Y’all, although the guy who brought it into my own psyche and I are pretty cool to this day, it’s been over two decades since we’ve messed around, and yet — a part of what caused me to even pitch this topic is because I thought about fall, how October is my favorite month of the year and yep, for a moment, he came to mind. Why? Because we started having sex in October. That damn sex clock.
So, when it comes to your own sex clock, just what should you do with this kind of information? I mean, you know how the saying goes: an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure. Keeping that in mind, if you consider that memories, nostalgia, sexual chemistry, and your hormones are all science-based reasons to “crave” a blast from your past (pun intended and not intended), then when…whoever he is comes to your mind, now there is no need to overthink it or stress out about it. Maybe it’s just your sex clock alarm going off.
Acknowledge it. Woosah through it. And really ponder if replying to that text or DM is actually worth it.
Because sometimes alarms remind us to do something.
Other times? They warn us to wake up.
Especially when a (so-called) sex clock is involved, chile.
Feel me? Now, more than ever…I bet you do.
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Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023