I'm not a parent, but I have oodles of love nieces and two goddaughters. If there's one thing that I make sure that they all hear, on repeat, it's "A bad girlfriend can do far worse to you than a bad boyfriend ever will." Oh, believe you me, I'm speaking from up close and very personal experience. My first female childhood friend was evil. Pure evil. There's no time to get into just how much I am using "evil" literally, but let's just say that by the time I actually removed her from my life, she had done such a number on my self-esteem that it has taken years to heal some of the cracks that she put in my foundation as it relates to self-image, men, boundary-setting, family dynamics (what I should and should not tolerate) and even children (long story; my first book breaks it all down though). But if there is a silver lining to all of her toxicity (and a few others along the way), it's the fact that I now know what a friend is.
All of this reminds me of someone I know who used to get really irritated with me—and rightfully so—whenever I would refer to a boyfriend as "my husband". I can't tell you how many times she would say, "Shellie, I earned the right to call my man that. You have not." She's right. She earned it because she was actually married.
Same thing—albeit in a slightly different way—goes for "friend". It's also a sacred word; something that should not just be tossed out there simply because you and someone else like the same things or agree on some of the same issues.
Give life a little bit of time and it will teach you that friendship is a big responsibility and a huge calling.
So, before you bestow someone with that blessed title, please make sure that they check off all of the following boxes—and that you've done the same thing for them—first.
Watch How They Handle Private Information
Mama used to say, "If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you." In the day and age where people seem to thrive off of salaciousness, I'm not sure if that's 100 percent true because almost everyone talks about somebody's business on a daily basis (celebrities are people too, y'all). But what I will say is if someone is bringing information to you that, if you were the one that they were talking about, you would feel some type of way, that is a bit of a red flag. Also, be cautious of someone who wants to know all of your business but is vague as hell when it comes to their own (not only nosey but controlling and manipulative folks tend to be wired that way). One more thing—if something that you share with them comes back to you, don't simply take on the "Next time, I'll simply tell them not to say anything" approach. We're all adults here, so people with a good sense of judgment—and respect for privacy—should know what should be repeated and what shouldn't.
A good friend is a safe space to share information. Before you decide to call anyone a friend, make sure that you can say that about them without any doubt—or evidence to the contrary—in your mind.
Go Through Some Difficult Times First
I missed the whole Teen Moms series on MTV. But what does pull me in from time to time is Unexpected on TLC (whew…these babies having babies can really tug at you). An episode that I recently saw featured a five-generation teen mom (let that sink in) who used to be popular at her high school; that is until she got pregnant. Although she had hoped that her friends would show up for her at her baby shower, they did not. In response, she said, "These are the times when you really get to see who your friends are." Indeed.
It's very easy to be "friends" with someone when everything is on the upswing in our lives. It's when we lose our job, go through a heartbreak or need a few dollars, that you really get to see who's truly got your back. That's why it's imperative that you hold off on calling anyone your friend until you see how supportive, encouraging and available they are during a challenging moment or trying season in your world. Johnny Gill used to sing about fair-weathered friends and they definitely exist more than the solid ones do. That's why you need to give some time to go through some stuff with them, in order to see how they handle it all…first.
See How They Respond/React to Your Triumphs
We recently published a feature on that fine man Thomas Q. Jones. When I thought about this particular point, the visual for LeToya Luckett's "Back 2 Life" song came to mind. If you've never seen it before (or it's been a while), Thomas plays her love interest. He also has a female BFF who he even shares a birthday with. He's super excited for LeToya to meet his bestie, so they decide to meet at a restaurant. All good, right? Uh-uh, check out his friend Cynthia's energy at the 2:40 mark. Ain't nothin' about that woman happy that her friend is in a relationship.
I was just telling someone not too long ago that something that used to get me into trouble was not properly discerning opportunists in my space. Be careful because some people are "friends" with you because they want the perks of being in your personal space. But if they can't be genuinely happy (emphasis on "genuine") for you, even if they don't reap any benefits from your success or resources, this is another flag that should not be ignored.
A good and true friend is thrilled for your come-ups—personally and professionally. There's no subtext or envy or manipulative tactics that ever cross their mind.
Make Sure They Honor Your Boundaries
Boundaries are limits and yes, even friendships should have them. What should platonic boundaries look like? Your friends should honor your time. Your friends should respect your nos. Your friends should back off when you tell them that they are pushing too much or going too far. Your friends should honor "codes" (whatever codes the both of you agree to). Your friends should not try and monopolize your other relationships. Your friends should not be abusive in any way. Your friends should give you space when and as you need it.
One of the reasons why a lot of friends are of the past is because one or both people did not respect each other's boundaries. You're gonna be in for a very messy and ugly journey if you decide to make someone your friend without putting some boundaries in place. You're also gonna be in a world of hurt if you're not intentional about readjusting yourself in regards to them, the moment that they continuously disregard them.
Process How Humble, Patient and Compassionate They Are
For years, a lot of the people in my world were pretty narcissistic. That's why, these days, humility is paramount in my relationships. I strive to be that way and I only feel comfortable around those who put forth the concerted effort to do the same. Humble people listen well. Humble people apologize when they are wrong. Humble people are kind and have no problem putting others before them. Humble people value their relationships. Humble people also don't humble brag or talk about how humble they are.
Two other qualities that I look for—no, require—are patience and compassion. Patient people know that no one is perfect, including themselves, so they are willing to rock with the individuals in their lives as they grow and evolve. As far as compassion goes, "compassion" literally means that when you see that someone is suffering, you want to do what you can to alleviate it. The circle I have now? I can't tell you one time that I've been in need and someone in it hasn't been there to help—no tab-keeping or questions asked. I am intentional about being that same way towards them too.
Because really, if you can't expect humility, patience and compassion from the people who are closest to you, who can you expect it from?
Ponder If You Can Mutually Meet One Another’s Needs
Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who I've known for almost two decades now. As we were talking about how they have a tendency to make enemies due to how poorly they handle their dating situations, they said, "I'm great at friendships. I'm just bad at relationships."
Hmph. That statement right there deserves its own article. For now, the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I challenged them, almost as soon as it came out of their mouth. "Are you truly a good friend if everything is solely your terms? If you're not doing your best to not only get your needs met, but to meet the needs of others?"
When a friendship is real and both people want it to last, reciprocity is paramount. It's not about if you and another person have the same needs; it's about if both of you know what one another's needs are and, so long as they are realistic, you are willing to meet them.
If you are constantly doing most of the work, and when it comes to your needs, there are always excuses, justifications or deflections as to why they can't be met and/or you find yourself saying, "Damn. Are friendships supposed to be this hard?", that's another indication that being friends with that person may not be the best idea.
Give the Relationship More Than a Few Months to Develop
One more thing. Back when I was a teen mom director for the local arm of a national non-profit, one of the exercises that I would do with my girls is ask them, "So, how long would I need to know you before I could borrow fifty dollars?" Most of them would look at me crazy and, about 80 percent of them, would say 1-2 years, at the least. Then I would follow that up with, "OK. So, the last sex partner you had, how long did it take for him to hit?" Talk about being blindsided, as a lot of them said a day or a week, max. "Hmm, so what you're telling me is that you value fifty bucks more than your own body?"
You know you. You know what you bring to the table when it comes to your relationships. That's why it is totally OK—encouraged even—to take your own sweet and precious time before deciding to bestow the title of "friend" on anyone. Don't force it. Don't rush it. Don't let them force it or rush it. Just let time and observation do their thing.
Just like it typically takes more than a few months to trust someone enough to give them money or have sex with them, it should also take time to see someone's character and consistency in the friendship department. True friendships are a real blessing so, really, what's the rush? Exactly.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends
5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life
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RELATED
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
That said, you should PayPal her for the inspiration that she provided when it comes to me penning this article because, with Valentine’s Day being on the horizon, I personally don’t know if the art of kissing is mentioned nearly enough because a day that is filled with well-placed and purposeful kisses? It doesn’t get much better than that.
And so, here it is. If you want to express how deeply you care for someone special this year, although dates and coitus are awesome, please don’t underestimate the power of a really good kiss. Especially an erotic kiss.
I’ll explain.
Why Do We Like to Kiss So Much?
GiphyKissing is a big deal to me. I ain’t got no lies to tell you. Y’all, it’s so crucial over this way that I once stayed in a relationship longer than I probably should’ve because the kissing (and sex while kissing; that’s an unsung art too) was so damn good. Hmph. I also (finally) ended a relationship that had some good points because the guy was HORRIBLE at kissing (especially kissing during sex; I’m not alone on this either. I once read that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women ended things with someone because they sucked at kissing).
And while I was sitting down to pen this, both of those situations got me to wondering why we (well, at least most of us — check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”) enjoy kissing so much. Sure, it feels good but there’s got to be more behind why most of us are totally down for a passionate kiss — anytime, anyplace.
Well, from a research standpoint, first there’s the fact that our lips are some of the most sensitive parts of our body, thanks to the abundance of nerve endings that are in them. That is actually a part of the reason why lips are considered to be such a powerful erogenous zone. Then there are some scientists who say that kissing is what helps us to literally “sniff out” and select potential partners. How? Well, since scent helps to arouse pheromones and, next to sex, kissing is about as close as you can get to someone else; when you really stop to think about it, that makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s saliva. The hormones and compounds in it actually help the brain to process who may be a complementary fit (including who you would be a good match to conceive children with — wild, right?). There’s even a study that revealed that the reason why men are quicker to want to French kiss— you know, kissing with tongues touching — than women (typically) is due to their higher testosterone levels; ones that, in a kiss, can help to heighten a woman’s libido.
Plus, some data states that the love/bonding hormone known as oxytocin increases during a kiss which causes us to feel closer to the person who we are kissing. Also, kissing can increase the feel-good hormone dopamine in your system, which is why the act oftentimes creates warm-‘n-fuzzy feelings whenever you’re sharing a smooch. So, when it comes to science, it is quite apparent that an intimate kiss isn’t just…a kiss.
How Kissing Benefits You
GiphyOkay, so now that you know why a kiss is able to draw you in from a science standpoint, let’s briefly touch on what some of its health benefits are. Were you aware of the fact that kissing helps to:
- Decrease stress and anxiety
- Strengthen immunity
- Soothe headaches and cramp discomfort
- Lower allergy reactions to pollen and dust mites
- Improve cholesterol levels
- Increase blood flow
- Reduce tooth decay
- Tone your facial muscles
- Burn calories
- Improve self-esteem
Yep, every time that you lean in for an intimate kiss, it’s not just good for your mental and emotional well-being, your physical health is able to get in on the benefits too. And then, if it’s an erotic kiss? LISTEN.
What Is an “Erotic Kiss”?
GiphySo, what exactly is the difference between a kiss and an erotic kiss? Let’s start with what erotic actually means. Something that’s erotic is sexy. Something that’s erotic is sensual. Something that’s erotic is passionate. Something that’s erotic is amatory which means that it’s directly related to sexual love. Something that’s erotic is romantic, steamy, and hella seductive. And so, if you’re going to give someone an erotic kiss, it must be with these words — and this type of energy — in mind.
Let’s keep going. When I was reading Well + Good’s article, “These 19 Kissing Types Prove Lips Can Do Way More Than Just Pecks,” kisses like pecks, closed-mouth kisses, and kisses on the hand, in my mind, definitely didn’t “scratch the itch” when it comes to what an erotic kiss is and does. To me, French kisses, kisses on the neck (including hickeys), and kisses on your favorite erogenous zones fit the bill far more.
Why? Because a kiss that ultimately stimulates sexual activity — that is what an erotic kiss is all about and as I was doing more research on the topic, do you know what seemed to be a common thread? If you want to be a master at erotic kissing,the tongue needs to be heavily involved. Why is that?
Well, a kiss that involves the tongue is sexiest by far because, when the tongue is used, it helps to increase your and your partner’s sensory stimulation levels. When this happens, even more nerve endings are involved and that, along with what the exchange of saliva brings to the table — whew, chile.
Then there’s the fact that — well, let’s not act like tongue kissing doesn’t mimic intercourse in some ways. Mouths are wet. We (as women when we are aroused) are wet. Tongues penetrate mouths. Penises penetrate us. And doing an act simulates a peak intimacy one, that is definitely EROTIC (check out “Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.”).
So yeah, y’all, if you want to engage in a truly authentic erotic kiss, tongue action needs to happen: kissing in the mouth and involving your tongue and also using your tongue to kiss, lick, enjoy other areas as well — earlobes, collar bones, shoulders, backs…and…anywhere else that stimulates you (and your partner). Make sure it’s hot. Make sure it’s lust-filled. Make sure it’s memorable.
How to Be an Unforgettable Erotic Kisser
GiphyProviding you with some facts about kissing wasn’t the only reason why I wanted to pen this, just in time for Valentine’s Day. It’s also because, as I’ve said in a couple of other articles before, there is such a thing as a kissing orgasm — and if you’ve never experienced one before, there is certainly no time like the present to do so…and (probably) the best way to get there is through an erotic kiss.
And here’s the thing: Even though an erotic kiss is sho ‘nuf a gateway drug to oral sex and intercourse if you want to get a bit more creative, there is data to back up that you can have an orgasm without your breasts or genitalia being (directly) involved. A kiss — the right kind of kiss — can make that happen too; especially if you follow the following five tips:
1. Go slow. Even though I’ve always found the phrase “make out” to be sort of corny, it does kind of fit when it comes to this article. You know, I’ve shared before that when it comes to the average time that most people want to spend experiencing intercourse, it’s 7-13 minutes; however, something that is both sweet and sensual about making out is, because there is not “set goal” (like an orgasm), there also is no rush. You’re kissing and enjoying each other, pretty much “just because” — and that is a great basis for experiencing an erotic kiss. Just soaking in your partner’s presence. No more, no less.
2. Work your “muscle.” By here, I mean your tongue, everyone (LOL). Gently. Seductively. Intentionally. And get creative too. This tip is not just about the classic French kiss. Lick lips. Lick earlobes. Lick necks. Find ways to use your tongue to turn your partner on without bringing genitalia into the picture as well. Yeah, there’s no doubt that one of the reasons why an erotic kiss is so supreme is because it finds places beyond the obvious to cultivate — not just sexual stimulation but emotional intimacy as well.
3. Enhance the “flavor.” I’m always going to be a fan of sex condiments (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”) and y’all, kissing with a bit of honey or chocolate syrup on your lips? Need I say more? I think not.
5. “Dance.” Something that I don’t think is said enough is kissing is a lot like dancing. There is a “rhythm” to it. Without speaking, couples are communicating. And the longer you do it, all the while paying attention to what your partner is doing, a signature groove can be found. While writing this, I thought about the best kisses I’ve ever had in my life and definitely what made them memorable is the fact that my kissing partner wanted me to really and fully experience them and I felt the same — and the more that happened, the more intensified the kissing got. Wanna have the ultimate erotic kiss? Treat it like a dance, chile.
5. Be in the moment. Then stay there. An erotic kiss is a lot like orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) in the sense that both encourage you to get into the moment and then stay there. There’s no pressure. There’s no agenda. There are simply two sets of lips and tongues and nothing but time. Erotic kissing simply encourages you to take full advantage of this fact.
___
An author by the name of Sylvia Plath once said, “Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” I’ve always liked that quote because it’s got so much confidence in it. She basically said that one kiss from her and you’ll grasp just how significant, to you, she actually is. And gee, won’t that preach?
This Valentine’s Day, kiss your partner with that kind of resolve in mind.
Take it up a notch by making sure that it’s erotic.
It’ll be hard to forget you or this Valentine’s Day if you do.
I can damn near guarantee it.
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