The 5th house is where we tap into what makes us happy, and where that happiness is found. It is the area of your chart that tells you how you show up, how you take center stage in your life, and where your pleasure zones are. Being that Leo is the ruler of the 5th house, we learn a lot about pleasure from this fire sign, as Leo is a bold one who is not afraid to explore what brings them joy and to make sure they are good first and foremost. When it comes to tapping into the pleasure in your life, you can look at your zodiac sign or the sign that is on your 5th House in your birth chart to get a better idea of what works for you and what doesn’t.
How Your 5th House Reveals Your Pleasure Zones
Happiness is key when it comes to 5th house energy. The 5th House will show you not only what brings you joy, but also what experiences are sustainable for you in the long run so that you truly know yourself, your body, and your needs.
Everyone has a 5th house, and some people have planets residing within that house as well, which usually makes for an even more exciting and pleasurable life (especially if you have the Sun, Mercury, Mars, or Jupiter here), or at least more attention in this area of your life altogether. The 5th House, the 8th house, and the 12th house are all areas of your birth chart you want to look at when it comes to sex and pleasure, but there is something exciting and light about the 5th house that shows you what experiences are truly fun for you and that bring you joy.
Read below as to how to align with the pleasure in your life. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
5th House and Pleasure in Astrology
For Aries, pleasure is confidence.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am overflowing with love and gratitude,
and I embrace pleasure in my life.”
Aries, you are a feisty one. Pleasure for you is about taking the lead, and feeling like you are needed and valued; it is about being confident in what it is you are looking for. You are self-expressive when it comes to pleasure, and you will always let others know where you stand. You keep life exciting and with your free spirit, are often getting yourself into new and exciting experiences.
Get creative when it comes to pleasure, and explore different outlets of fulfillment. When you can trust your instincts and intuition on what you need, you are aligned with what is going to bring you the most pleasurable experiences in life.
For Taurus, pleasure is satisfaction.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am sexually and emotionally secure with myself.”
Taurus is one of the top signs to understand the importance of pleasure. Your priorities in life are to feel good from the inside out, and you spend a lot of time making sure you are in the right space and feel the right way. You love candles, sweets, baths, and anything the movies show of a self-love day or a romantic getaway vibe. You are the definition of satisfaction, and you tap into this energy more easily than most.
Pleasurable experiences for you are when your belly is full, the mood is right, and your surroundings are comfortable. With Virgo ruling your 5th house, fellow earth signs tend to align with the satisfaction you are looking for and enhance the sensuality in your life.
For Gemini, pleasure is connection.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecole“I listen to my body and what it needs.
I deserve to feel good.”
Pleasure is about connection for you, Gemini. You prefer one-on-one experiences or experiences that make you closer to yourself overall. You love to love and love to share it, and having love in your life and around you brings you great joy. Being a Gemini, you are a curious soul, and exploring where your pleasure zones are is key. Not being afraid to switch things up and try out different experiences is your gift in life, and brings you to experience more than most have in their lifetime.
With Libra ruling your 5th house and Libra being the ruler of the buttocks, this is most likely a pleasure area for you, Gemini.
For Cancer, pleasure is intimacy and shared connection.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am sexy.
I am seen.
I am well-received.”
Intimacy, a shared connection, and a transcendent experience are where you align with pleasure, Cancer. With Scorpio in your 5th house of pleasure and the fact that Scorpio is the ruler of the reproductive organs and the hips, you know all of the right spots and all of the right moves. You are very connected to what you need to feel satisfied, and also what others need as well. Physical touch is important to you, and this is one of your love languages.
To connect more with the pleasure in your life, set the mood with candles, dimmed lights, crystals, and all of your spiritual tools. Do meditation before engaging in pleasure-seeking activities, and get your mind right. Setting the vibe for you does wonders.
For Leo, pleasure is exploration.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecole“Life is exciting for me,
and my heart is open to enjoying the gifts of pleasure.”
Leo is the ruler of the 5th house of pleasure, so you know all about this area of your life well. You know how to fulfill and satisfy yourself, regardless of who else can or knows how to. For you, pleasure is all about knowing what you want, and giving yourself that. When it comes to allowing pleasure and satisfaction into your life from others, it’s all about being confident with what it is you are looking for and listening to your heart.
The 5th house is also the ruler of the heart, and your heart is an adventurous one. Pleasure is all about having fun and exploring your world for you, Leo. Find what works for you, and get rid of what doesn’t.
For Virgo, pleasure is giving and receiving.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am grateful for my body, and the pleasure it gives me.”
Virgos are all about pleasure, both giving and receiving. You have a good balance when it comes to understanding what you need as well as exploring new possibilities for you when it comes to pleasure and the body. You are open-minded, yet grounded in the way that you are willing to take the practical steps needed to fulfill your needs or those of a partner. Virgos are very giving, but you are also a perfectionist and you want the best for yourself in all areas of your life.
There is a saying about Virgos, and that is, “Classy in the streets, freak in the streets.” To tap into the pleasure in your life, dress up, role-play, and take the lead.
For Libra, pleasure is community.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecole“I communicate from the heart,
and connect with others.”
Remaining open-minded is key for you when it comes to pleasure, Libra. Talking to a friend, communicating with others about what you are feeling, and finding a community that resonates with you and what satisfies you is key. With Aquarius residing in your 5th house of pleasure, you often find a lot of joy and pleasing experiences around friends and within these types of situations. Friends often turn into lovers for you, and you overall are open-minded when it comes to this area of your life. Words do wonders for Libras and Libra risings as well, and an erotic novel, movie, or song can take you places.
For Scorpio, pleasure is the freedom to be.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecole“I express myself and what I need freely and confidently.”
Aligning with the pleasure in your life means tapping into your creativity, confidence, and self-expression. With the water sign Pisces residing in your 5th house, it’s important to feel your emotions and to be able to express how you are feeling and what you need. The more you can open up, get creative in the bed, and look at pleasure as something exciting, the more fulfilled you will be. Keep things light when it comes to satisfaction and don’t bring any serious or stagnant energy into this area of your life. For you, pleasure is all about having fun, letting loose, and giving yourself and your emotions freedom to be. Be confident when it comes to your wants and needs in life.
For Sagittarius, pleasure is excitement.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecole“I intend to enjoy my life, myself, and what brings me pleasure.”
Sagittarius, pleasure for you is all about the excitement of it all. You are very intentional when it comes to what you want and need, and the beginning stages of every connection and experience are where it is at for you. Tapping into your pleasure zone is all about not only a mental connection, but physical excitement as well.
With Aries residing in your 5th house, and the fact that Aries is the ruler of the head, kisses, whispers in the ear, and anything touching the top of your body/head is where your pleasure zones are. Being a fire sign, you are sure to keep things exciting and adventurous in life, and pleasure to you is all about having fun and taking the lead.
For Capricorn, pleasure is luxury.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecole“I exude confidence, sensuality, and love.
I deserve pleasure.”
Capricorns often surprise people with how much they know about pleasure. After all, you are known to be all work and less play, but the more you get to know a Capricorn, the more you see that their earthy ways are quite sensual and intentional. Touch for you is everything when it comes to pleasure, and this is an area of your life where you are more vulnerable and where others, including yourself, see a different side to you.
Pleasure for you is about feeling luxurious, feeling needed, and reminding yourself that you are royalty. With Taurus in your 5th house and Taurus being the ruler of the neck and the shoulders, these are pleasure zones for you and should be attended to.
For Aquarius, pleasure is openness and novelty.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am open to new experiences,
and learning more about myself and my body."
When it comes to pleasure, you have wildcard energy, Aquarius. One day something might bring you great joy and satisfaction, and the next day something else will. Keeping up with you is not an easy task, but your life is never dull because of this. Pleasure to you is all about keeping things light, open, never the same, and exciting. You love to express yourself and communicate your needs, and you are confident doing so.
You often surprise yourself with what satisfies you as you are constantly exploring yourself and learning more about your likes, dislikes, and your body. Tap into the pleasure in your life by trying something new every month (or week) and make a list of what worked, and what didn’t.
For Pisces, pleasure is feeling.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecole“I am safe and secure in my body and my heart.”
For Pisces and Pisces risings, pleasure is all about feeling things through. With Cancer in your 5th house of pleasure and happiness, being fulfilled means being in intimate, safe, and secure settings. You need the right environment around you to open up and feel comfortable exploring your inner world. You are very giving when it comes to pleasure and you are someone who wants to give just as much as you receive.
Pleasure to you is a deep experience and when it comes to partnership, someone who you trust and feel 100% comfortable with is what’s going to make your experience the most satisfying. Connecting with fellow water signs can also be beneficial for you in this area of your life.
Read all of the stories in the Issa Rae: She Comes First editorial series here.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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