Y’all, if there’s one thing that isn’t going away any time soon, it’s definitely sex toys — most specifically, vibrators. That’s not just my opinion either because there is quite a bit of data out here to support the fact that a little over half of all women use them. And out of that bunch, interestingly enough, they’re the ones to get the pelvic exams and do self-vaginal exams the most consistently. If you are among them, kudos to you for that.
And while there are plenty of women who will basically do a free commercial that vouches for sex toys (again, especially vibrators) because of how reliable they are when it comes to achieving the Big O and even though there are also articles (and social media posts) that talk about how some women even prefer them to actually being intimate with men (I don’t get that part yet y’all do you), believe it or not, there are also women who have officially retired their rabbit and dildos. Their reasons may not all be the same, yet there seem to be no regrets for most. I’ve got 10 women here who were happy to state their case.
*Middle names are always used so that people will feel comfortable speaking freely*
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Angelica. 37. Single.
“I started using sex toys because I could never cum with a partner. It didn't matter if he was a casual partner, a boyfriend, or even my ex-husband — sex was fine, but I could never ever fully ‘get there.’ A girlfriend of mine bought me a vibrating bullet, and I was hooked! Too hooked because it caused me to not even care if a man was pleasing me or not. And that’s why I let it go. I’m not going to go through my life thinking that the only way I can orgasm is with a device. The man I’m with now agrees. He’s made it his goal to make me not regret my decision.”
Rheya. 29. Engaged.
“I love my vibrators, do you hear me? I mean, you would think that they were actual people, the way that I used to talk about them, because, yes, I gave them names and everything. Don’t judge me! But when my fiancé and I first started having sex, he would ask me why I had so many of them. When I told him that they were a ‘sure thing,’ I guess he took that as a challenge because, one day, I came home, and they were gone. He said he didn’t throw them away, but he did put them up so that we could focus on him being what I wanted the most. Girl, I ain’t looked for them things. He made his point. No — he makes his point at least once a week!”
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Sebbe. 27. Single.
“If you’ve never used a vibrator before, it can be addicting. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. So much that it’ll have you out here mad at men for not being physically capable of doing what it can. I don’t even know if it’s healthy to cum in under two minutes, but what I do know is it’s not fair to expect humans to be like robots. So, I guess I’m on a fast from mine. I can’t promise you that it will be forever, but I do need to do some decompressing. I would hate to hate men for the rest of my life because their d-ck ain’t a rabbit.”
Xen. 32. Married.
“I recently watched a girl on Instagram talk about a vibrator can do just what a man can. I don’t know what the f-ck she was talking about. Back in my sex toy days, I was using them to tide me over in between not having a relationship so that I wouldn’t be out here in these crazy streets! But if any woman thinks that some little thing that you can hold in your hand beats a whole, complete, and entire man in their bed…they clearly have not met their match yet. I have, and I don’t have to see another sex toy again, thanks to him. S-it, let me call this man and tell him that.”
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Nora. 40. Single.
“A thrusting vibrator will change your life! I mean, CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I was out here turning down dates, not hanging with my girls, making it late to work — all kinds of craziness because that’s how much my thrusting vibrator was bringing me joy. That’s the problem: it was taking over my life. Women will talk all day about how porn can destroy a man’s view of intimacy, but they don’t wanna talk about that dependency on a vibrator can do to their cooty cat. One day, I threw mine out the window while driving down the street. I wasn’t going to part with it any other way. It was like I went through withdrawals — and that’s how I knew that it had to go. If no man is supposed to have me crazy actin’ like that, I know that no damn sex toy should!”
Quincie. 31. Single.
“I got scared silly out of not using vibrators anymore. I don’t really want to talk about it. I do want to share a warning: it’s probably not waterproof if it has to be plugged into the wall to charge. Folks don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff, but my vagina is happy to be alive right now.”
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Natalie. 46. In a Serious Relationship.
“Shellie, it was actually talking to you that got me to take the pressure off of myself and the men I sleep with when it comes to [vaginal] orgasms. For years, I would think that something was wrong with me because penetration wasn’t enough. When you said that the placement of the clitoris when it comes to the vagina can play a huge part in climaxing, that set me free! For a long time, I would bring sex toys in to stimulate my clitoris while I was having sex. The man I’m with now said that he preferred to do it — and the ways that he’s come up with, I prefer him too. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Just know that there are a billion ways for a man to ‘apply pressure,’ sis.”
Bree. 28. Engaged.
“My situation might be different from other women you talk to. What I gave up was my rabbit and dildo, although my fiancé and I use BDSM stuff and cock rings. I got rid of certain sex toys because I like the feeling of only having my man inside of me. The feeling is different, and it takes more effort for me to cum, but I don’t mind that. The intimacy of real flesh is so much better than some silicone.”
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Chevele. 25. Single.
“My reason is simple. My first orgasm was with a sex toy, and I kind of regret that. I wanted to share that with a man — not [from having] ‘just sex’ either. I wanted it to be with someone I was in a serious commitment with, but I listened to my friends and put cumming before the intimacy I know I deserve. I’m seeing someone now, and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. I’m glad that I don’t have the dependency of any sex toy. I just want to see where things go and flow. We’ll see what happens.”
Hazel. 33. Married.
“Sex toys are alright. I’ve never been hooked but I won’t lie that they are very consistent. But when you’re in a happy and healthy marriage, the goal of sex isn’t just having an orgasm. You want to share yourself and learn your partner. Sex toys can make you lazy and almost apathetic if you’re not careful. Mine are in the garage. So long as I’ve got this big fine man in my bed, that’s where they will stay. I don’t miss them at all.”
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There you have it: 10 women who pretty much loved and left as far as sex toys go. I must admit that the thing I enjoy most about these types of articles is that I get to share that there is more than one side to everything. In this case, yes, a lot of women are thriving in their sex toy box. Then there are women who have never touched one. And then there are women who can look back on their experiences fondly and still leave them in the past with no regrets.
My biggest takeaway? If you can’t see life without something, you probably need to scale back a bit. Otherwise, incorporate balance, know your “why” and do you — whether it’s a toy, your man, or…both. #wink
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During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
GiphyY’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
GiphyBefore we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
GiphyAnd here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
GiphySo, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
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