A Sex Expert Shares Their Best Beginner Strap-On Tips
I was close to entering my early twenties when I discovered the wonderful world of “pegging.” There was something so arousing about seeing a woman with her harness and dildo in tow, fully dominating a man in a way where he was fully submissive. I dabbled a time or two myself in that arena, and I’m convinced there’s nothing like it. I have yet to encounter another cisgender man who is comfortable enough with his sexuality to allow that terrain to be explored, but I’m just saying.
In addition to being used by straight women on straight men, strap-ons have long since been used for penetrative sex by lesbian women, trans men, people with erectile dysfunction, and more. Strap-ons can be used by anyone to penetrate anyone consensually. It is a sex toy for the purpose of evoking pleasure and that isn’t limited to any one gender or circumstance and it isn’t contingent on the genitalia of the giver or the receiver.
If you’ve ever wanted to explore strap-on play with your partner, xoNecole has you covered! We talked to certified sex educator Jennifer Eden who says, communication is key. “Talk about what you want to do, how you want to feel, and maybe even why you feel drawn to try it,” they advise. “Porn isn’t always a great sex ed resource, but it can be a great jumping-off point. Find a flick that shows what you want to do, and have a conversation with your partner about what you see. What do you like about it? What would you want to do differently?”
Here are Eden's best beginner strap-on tips to incorporate into your strap-on play.
1.When you go shopping for your first strap-on, know what you’re looking for.
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“A strap-on is technically two components - a harness and a dildo. And in most cases, those items are sold separately," Eden tells xoNecole. "When it comes to your harness, there are a lot of options: adjustable, padded, leather, briefs, boxers, and the list goes on. You want a style and fit that works best for your body and your self-concept. For example, if you would be distracted by straps pressing into the flesh of your hips and thighs, you may want to consider a brief- or boxer-brief-style harness for a smoother look and feel.”
2.Get over the heteronormative and queerphobic hang-ups around strap-ons
“Sex toys are inanimate objects and have no gender. So your orientation or the way you label your sexuality doesn’t change just because you’ve introduced a new activity or accessory to your sexual repertoire. Allow yourself to adopt the mindset of pleasure over everything - over labels, over stereotypes, over limiting beliefs, and especially over that little voice in your head that says ‘you shouldn’t be doing this.’ Ask yourself what’s more important to you - fitting a label or feeling good?”
3.Consider the material, size, and color of your dildo of choice.
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“When it comes to the dildo, there are even more options! You want to consider material, size, and color to narrow down your search. If it’s safe and accessible to you, I recommend going to your local adult store rather than shopping online. That way you can see things in person instead of relying on pictures and descriptions. Which aren’t always accurate.”
4.Spend time wearing your harness before introducing it into the bedroom.
“Your first time wearing your harness shouldn’t be when you and your partner are about to get it on," Eden says. "Spend some time wearing it before go-time. Put it on, stand in the mirror, and move your hips. Do some squats, some lunges, some toe-touches. You’re probably chuckling to yourself at this point but I’m serious. You want to see how the harness moves with your body and, more importantly, if it’s comfortable.
"Is it digging or pinching around your hips or thighs? Depending on the style of harness you have, you might be able to adjust it to your comfort. Is your dildo pointing at the floor? Your harness may not be able to support the weight of the dildo you chose. It’s best to find these things out before your debut performance.”
5.Lube is your friend.
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“The vagina self-lubricates, the bootyhole does not. Both these holes, and any other fold or crease you might want to play with, can always benefit from some added moisture. There’s this myth that using lube is a bad thing. But why make the body do extra work? The body’s natural moisture may change for a number of reasons. Maybe you haven’t been drinking as much water as you should. Maybe it’s cold in the room. Maybe you’ve recently switched up your medications or supplements.
"Whatever the reason, adding a little lube can make it a more comfortable and pleasurable experience for everyone involved.”
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Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage