We as a generation have become determined to unpack our trauma in order to create better lives for ourselves and our future families (however we choose to fulfill that role). No matter how obnoxious it may get, for better or worse, we’ve started to familiarize ourselves with terms such as gaslighting or trauma bond. The more we unpack, the more “come to Jesus” moments we may have about the state of our current relationships.
Eventually, this requires loving ourselves more than we love others – it means showing up for ourselves in the face of what appears to be love but is often a trauma bond. Though easier to spot in romantic relationships, they do also occur in friendships as well. My focus today will be the romantic kind because the intimate concoction of trauma conflated with sex and sometimes love is a bit more complicated to navigate.
I chatted with Shawnessa Devonish MA, LCPC, NCC Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor so that we could fully understand what a trauma bond might look like.
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The first thing obviously is for us to clearly define a trauma bond. Devonish matter of factly explains that “trauma bonds are developed when feelings of compatibility are sparked based off of suffering from both individuals. The connection is so enhanced that it intensifies intimacy.” She later adds, “Any traumatic [or] distressing experience can trigger the development of a trauma bond with others. In addition, a person’s susceptibility to becoming trapped in a trauma bond can be determined by childhood interactions and experiences.”
Dunno about you, but this is sorta what I envisioned the whole time I was tossing the word around. What I wasn’t aware of was the fact that a trauma bond can take an alternative form and the bond can also be built when the relationship is initiated with abusive red flags. When it does, it almost ends up looking like Stockholm syndrome. The abuse breaks the victim down and the abuser initially gives large doses of affection, but the longer the abuse goes on, the less the affection follows. The victim can grow dependent on this affection, and the sex can feel like a reward.
I, however, would like to focus on the former because I think this is often the type of trauma bond we’re often speaking of. The trauma bonds that have us in a chokehold because the sex and overall experience are so intense that it feels like the purest form of love in the midst of darkness.
Why Is Trauma Bond Sex So Damn Good?
You might have guessed it but the one and only “feel-good hormone” is responsible for the intense, mind-blowing sex. Our expert goes into more detail stating, “Trauma bounds intensify the sexual experience because it increases dopamine (‘the feel-good hormone’) levels in our minds–they enhance the sexual act and motivate more sexual encounters.”
Despite the glaring fact that all you two may have in common is trauma and good sex, this connection is strong enough to omit indications of a pleasurable experience to your brain because “we as humans have an innate need for connection/companionship and that alone can become addictive to some. Specifically when a person becomes hyper-focused on maintaining those [feelings of ] pleasure, even if it is temporary and toxic. The craving for connection becomes so intense that it can prevent some people from thinking logically.”
She later adds, “This leaves the door open for potentially toxic relationship dynamics because people neglect to search for compatibility in other areas [careers, hobbies, etc]. Hence, people are at risk of being blinded by the manipulative, disrespectful, critical, and/or callous partner.” This in turn means the relationship dynamic is easily transformed into an abusive one. With that, I had to question whether this dynamic can ever actually be mutual, authentic love and the answer is yes, it can.
However, Devonish warns that because the relational dynamic isn’t the best, to begin with, it's likely a dysfunctional type of love. She provides the analogy of having a love for junk food. Furthermore, she says, “It is important that individuals refrain from allowing the ‘love’ to blind them to the point where they are making illogical and impulsive decisions pertaining to the unhealthy relationship.”
Trauma Bonds: Red Flags to Look Out for, According to Our Expert
1. Dissatisfaction Outside of Sexual Encounters
Is the partner providing you with satisfaction outside of sexual encounters? When you take a moment to review things, you may notice that your partner is inconsistent, disrespectful, controlling, or even critical. It is important to assess how you overall feel in the relationship and not solely base that assessment on sex.
2. All You Have in Common Is…Trauma
Do you and that person talk about anything else? Connecting with a person solely because of a common trauma experience can be risky since it can trigger flashbacks, nightmares, or even re-traumatize you. If you discover that you have nothing else to talk about, you may be in a trauma bonding situation.
3. Make Note of Narcissistic Traits
When it comes to trauma bonding in intimate relationships, it is important to assess manipulative and controlling behaviors from your partner. Some may be overlooking them due to their need to maintain that connection or even because of the sympathy they have for that person.
Can Trauma Bonds be Broken?
Short answer: yes. But that doesn’t necessarily result in your being with this partner anymore. Nonetheless, here are a few expert-approved ways to do so:
- Talk to professionals to gain an objective/realistic view of the dynamic. Trauma bonds are so intense that they prevent people from thinking logically. Reaching out to professionals (ex: therapists, healers) can be helpful because we educate and assist clients with seeing things from new lenses.
- Look into EMDR Therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a trauma treatment approach to therapy that assists clients with reprocessing trauma so that the experience is no longer physically or emotionally distressing to the client. During the EMDR process, clients can also develop insight that may encourage them to release themselves from the shackles of any trauma bonds.
- Assess your options. In trauma bonding relationships, it may feel like your only option is to be with that partner. However, you are capable of leaving. Work on developing a plan of action. You can also reach out to a professional or even the National Domestic Violence Hotlines to obtain some strategies and resources (if you are in an abusive relationship).
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to determine if the bond you two have is deeper than the trauma you share and if it is in turn salvageable. Because so much of the criteria for what constitutes the bond being "salvageable" leaves little to no room for commonalities, you may find when you all go to do the work that there’s not much of a solid foundation to stand on, much less grow from.
In fact, I urge you and your partner to simultaneously seek out individual help while communicating your observations as you work to shift the nature of your relationship. One-on-one expert help will create a safe place for you to process hard truths on your own time, in your own space.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Luckily, there are some things that you can do to either speed up the healing process of a cold or make having one more bearable than usual. Things that are affordable, all-natural, and easy to incorporate into your daily routine.
Are you ready to know how to nip a damn cold in the bud…before you even get one?
Here ya go.
1. Fire Cider
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Two drinks that I am gonna drink all the way down, each and every fall season, are hot chocolate and apple cider (that’s warmed up). So, when I read about something called “fire cider,” it absolutely caught my attention. If you’re not familiar with it, fire cider is a homemade drink that consists of things like apple cider vinegar, herbs and other ingredients that are specifically designed to boost your immune system.
I won’t lie to you — since some of the traditional recipes contain things like onion and garlic (sulfur has potent medicinal properties) and sometimes even hot peppers (which help to clear up congestion) — although fire cider might not be your favorite as far as your palate is concerned, the viruses (because there are reportedly somewhere around 200 of ‘em) that cause colds will lose a lot of their impact if you drink this; and that makes it worth a shot — well, swallow. Some fire cider recipes can be found here, here and here.
2. Probiotics
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” — and that alone should explain why and how a probiotic can help to prevent colds and make it easier to get over them. The reality is that a healthy gut is what helps to monitor how your immune system reacts and responds to harmful pathogens that may try and get into your system, including ones that cause the common cold.
And since probiotics feed your gut with “good bacteria,” this gives your gut the ability to be better (and quicker) at fighting off the bad. So yeah, take a probiotic — all of the time and definitely while you have a cold. It helps.
3. Peppermint (or Eucalyptus) Oil
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Although I rarely get sick (praise the Lord!), when I do catch a cold, I think what I hate the most is not being able to comfortably breathe. Well, something that is proven to help with that is peppermint essential oil. That’s because it contains properties that act as a natural decongestant as well as a fever reducer. Another essential oil that can hook you up in this department is eucalyptus oil. It’s bomb because it helps to soothe a nagging cough, it can clear up chest congestion and ultimately makes it easier to breathe.
So, before turning in at night, either mix a few drops of one (or both) of these oils with a carrier oil like grapeseed, avocado or jojoba, warm it up for 10 seconds in the microwave and apply it to the sides of your nose or on your best or back. Or put the oil in a diffuser. It can quickly ease cold-related symptoms while also making it so much easier for you to rest (which is something else your body needs to get over a cold; more on that in a sec).
4. Zinc Lozenges
Zinc is a mineral that helps to keep your immune system healthy and strong — and since a weakened immunity is directly connected to having more colds (2-4 a year is considered to be “normal,” by the way), it’s always a good idea to have some zinc in your body. As it relates to colds, specifically, aside from the fact that zinc can help you from catching one to begin with, there are also studies which say that sucking on zinc lozenges can help to shorten the timespan of a cold as well.
To be fair, some people have said that zinc lozenges make them feel nauseated; however, everything has its pros and cons and so, how would you know if you’re one of these folks unless you try it? Oh, and while we are on this topic, there are also zinc supplements and foods that are high in zinc (like red meat, lentils, hemp seeds, cashews and quinoa) if you want to try and get more zinc into your system that way (although lozenges are gonna be your best bet on the shortening tip; just sayin’).
5. Foods Rich in Vitamin C
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Speaking of foods that can fight a cold, out of all of what you’ve read here, probably what you are quite familiar with is the fact that vitamin C and colds are mortal enemies. In fact, one pretty significant study says that by taking one gram of vitamin C a day during a cold, you can reduce the severity of your symptoms by as much as 15 percent.
That’s because vitamin C is packed with antioxidants, it helps to reduce bodily inflammation and it helps to strengthen your immunity too. Foods that are full of vitamin C include chili and yellow peppers, kale, kiwi, papaya, broccoli, kale and citrus fruits.
6. Elderberry Tea
If you’re someone who likes to put preserves on your biscuits or toast, have you ever tried one that is made from elderberries (recipe here)? It’s actually pretty good — and good for you because elderberries are high in vitamin C, fiber and antioxidants. And that is why they are great whenever you are trying to hurry up and get over a cold because they also contain properties that are literally antiviral — and since a cold is a virus…well, there you have it.
One of the best ways to get elderberries into your system? Elderberry tea. If you add honey to it, honey can help to shorten symptoms like a stuffy nose, sore throat and cough by 1-2 days. Very cool.
7. REST
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Did you know that even one day of not getting the sleep that you need to weaken your immune system and increase bodily inflammation at the same time too? That’s because one of the benefits of a good night’s rest is it rejuvenates and recharges your system, so that your immunity can work at its optimal level.
Not only that but, according to science, if you already have a cold, getting plenty of rest can benefit you on a few different levels as well. First, your cytokines (proteins that boost your immunity) are released when you sleep.
Second, your body temperature elevates enough to kill some of the bacteria and viruses that are making you sick. Finally, sleep provides you with the energy that you need in order to get through the day while you are healing from your sickness. So, if you want to get through your cold ASAP, be intentional about getting as much rest as you possibly can.
BONUS: A Humidifier
When you get a chance, please check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”. There really are all kinds of solid reasons to invest in a humidifier around this time of the year — and one of them is to make getting through the cold (and flu) season so much easier for you. Since humidifiers bring moisture into the air, that can help to loosen up congestion, soothe an irritated throat, decrease coughing, help with the healing process of respiratory infections and it can help you to sleep better — so that you can get past your cold sooner.
So, if you don’t already have a humidifier, cop one ASAP. Your future colds will absolutely hate that you did. LOL. For a list of some highly recommended humidifiers that are currently on the market, click here.
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