To everything, there is a time and a season. King Solomon once said that — and I appreciate him for it because it’s a reminder that, just like earthly seasons come and go, whether we want them to or not, the same happens for seasons in life. And what this means is, at the end of the day, all we can do is prepare.
What’s wild about this pearl of wisdom as it relates to today’s topic is, several years ago, I literally penned an article for the platform entitled, “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?” And, as life would have it, that same year, I also wrote, “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.” Yes, according to science, when the temperatures drop outside, that is the ideal time to “turn up the heat” indoors.
At the same time, what’s absolutely wild about all of this is, the fall and winter seasons are also when your libido can find itself going through some “not so much in the mood” changes. Yet there goes that seasons thing popping up again because, if after reading this, you can honestly say that you’ve seen yourself in some of these seasonal situations…now you know how to prepare — so that, this year, you can have some of the best sex (in cooler weather) that you’ve ever had.
Let’s get into it.
A Drop in (Natural) Vitamin D Can Lower Your Libido
GiphyEven though vitamins and supplements provide a way for you to get (more) nutrients into your system than what your diet may already be providing you — science definitely believes that the more that you can get nature involved with what you need, the better off you are. That said, it’s no secret that we, as Black folks, have a reputation for being vitamin D deficient and it’s mostly because the natural melanin in our skin makes it harder for us to absorb the vitamin D that comes from sunlight.
Well, since the days are shorter during the fall and winter seasons, what this means is we have to be even more intentional about getting this particular nutrient into our system during that time. And what the heck does any of this have to do with your sex life? Well, vitamin D is a vitamin that actually helps to keep your sex hormones (especially your estrogen and testosterone) levels where they need to be — and so, the less of it that you have in your body, the less of a sex drive you might end up having.
So, if it seems like with cooler weather, you’re not as “in the mood” as you would like, spend more time outdoors when the sun is out, try and keep your window treatments open during the day, take a vitamin D supplement and consume foods like yogurt, tuna, eggs, mushrooms and cheese — they all have plenty of vitamin D in them.
If You’re Less (Physically) Active, It Can Decrease Your Blood’s Circulation
GiphyThe more clothes you have on, typically, the less incentive there is to care about your body looking as in shape as it possibly can. Plus, if you prefer to be outdoors when you do get your exercise in, the bitter cold can make you want to do that less and less often. And that is why, it should come as no surprise that it’s common for individuals to pack on a few pounds during this time of the year.
The reason why this is a sexual cause for alarm is because, the more you work out, the more your blood is able to easily circulate throughout your system. Your partner needs this in order to maintain his erections. You need this because your sexual arousal intensifies, plus, you have a greater chance of experiencing an orgasm when your blood circulation is steadily flowing. So, even if running outside isn’t going to work for you right now, at least make sure to do some workouts at home (some videos that you can check out are located right here).
Fall Weather Can Jack Up Your Sleep Which Can Mess with Your Drive
GiphySomething that you shouldn’t rely on is the belief that if you aren’t getting consistent rest, you can just pick a random day and “catch up” on it. Although more studies are coming out that there may be a bit of truth to that theory, it’s far healthier (and more effective) to intentionally get 6-8 hours of sleep every night and to try and take naps throughout the day, if you can.
The relevance of all of this, as it relates to fall (and winter) weather is, something that time “falling back” can oftentimes do is disrupt your sleeping patterns. In fact, what science reveals is, although in theory it might seem like you are “gaining an hour” when time goes back 60 minutes — all it really means is that days are shorter in the sense of nightfall happening quicker…yet it doesn’t really mean that you will sleep for a longer period of time at all.
If anything, you usually end up having your sleep patterns disrupted which can make you irritable, have low-energy and feeling not as interested in sex as usual (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). A sleep schedule can help with this. Definitely consider creating one for this time of year (if you don’t have one already).
Dehydration (from HVAC Units and Consuming Less Water) Can Make You Lethargic
GiphyNo matter how many warm lattes, hot chocolates and heated up apple ciders you plan on drinking this fall and winter season — you still need to drink some water (or, at the very least, some herbal tea). The reality is that cooler weather has a way of dehydrating people because cold winds are drying and HVAC units (in order to keep you warm) can be as well. One way that you can remedy this from the outside in is to invest in a humidifier; especially for your bedroom (check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”) — and yes, for the sake of your sex life, definitely drink as much water as possible to keep moisture in your system too.
The method to the madness with this one is water not only helps the blood in your body to flow easier (so that your heart doesn’t have to work as hard), it also has oxygen in it which can help you to feel alert and energized. Not to mention the fact that water also helps your system to produce more natural lubrication, can reduce your stress levels and it can help to keep erectile dysfunction from being an issue (or more of an issue) in your partner as well.
You Might Feel More Emotionally/Relationally Detached in the Cooler Months
GiphyAlthough, theoretically, it would seem that the fall and winter seasons would make you want to boo/bae up more than ever — seasonal depression (also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder/SAD) can actually make some people pull in and isolate more than what they typically would. It might be because they are moodier than usual. It might be because they feel lonely and depressed. It could even be that the weather, plus the pressure of the holidays, has them feeling overwhelmed to the point where they simply don’t want to be bothered by too much human interaction.
Whatever the case may be, it’s damn near impossible to have sex with someone if you don’t want them around you — which is why the feelings of emotional and relational detachment during fall and wintertime is something else to take special note of.
Your Diet and Your Libido Tend to Give Each Other Mixed Signals
GiphyCakes. Cookies. Pies. Creamy sauces. Eggnog. Listen, if any time of the year is packed with loads of carbs, it’s the holiday season — not to mention all of the alcohol that’s around. And yes, diet absolutely plays a role in how your libido is gonna act. For one thing, carbs can put your sugar levels on a real roller coaster ride which can have your sex drive all over the place. Then, if you factor in the unhealthy fats that are in a lot of dishes and how fats can lead to bodily inflammation which can, in turn, up your stress levels while decreasing your stress hormones?
Oh, and don’t even get me started on how alcohol can (sometimes) make it challenging for men to keep an erection and men and women to achieve an orgasm. Bottom line here, if you want to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life, there are no seasons to “take off.” Diet is ALWAYS gonna matter.
Holiday Stress Is Well…STRESSFUL
GiphySpending lots of money. Traveling. Preparing for guests in your home. A busier-than-usual schedule. Trying to keep the peace among all of your family members (check out “This Is How To Keep Your Family From Driving You Crazy Over The Holidays”). Even with all of the “holiday cheer” that comes with the holiday season, there is a ton of stress and anxiety that can come with it as well — and when you’re stressed out, this means more cortisol (your body’s stress hormone) is in your system and that less sex hormones are thriving too.
The irony to all of this is sex is a way to reduce stress levels so…even if you’re not feeling like doing it, try a little bit of “faking it until you make it” — it might just be what your body needs to get you through all of the fall and winter season pressure (and sometimes drama).
Cooler Weather Can Decrease a Man’s Testosterone Levels
GiphyAnd finally, something that you might want to tell your man is it's pretty common and normal for men’s testosterone levels to drop a tad during the fall and winter seasons — this is due to much of what I’ve already stated: less exposure to natural vitamin D, a compromised diet, not enough rest, etc. This is actually why, when a man is sexually aroused and he takes a cold shower — it works.
The science behind it is it has a way of temporarily decreasing testosterone levels in a man’s blood. Anyway, in order to keep cool weather from wreaking havoc on his testosterone: lowering stress, taking some zinc, avoiding excessive alcohol consumption, getting plenty of rest and putting some ginger or patchouli essential oil in a diffuser can all help out in this department.
Now that you know how to prepare for the weather that is coming, for the sake of your libido, sis…please do.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
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Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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