Are you a “top,” “bottom,” “switch,” or “vers”? The way you self-identify sexually can help you understand how you see yourself, what you like and what your preferences are during sex. Learning how others identify can also help you understand who they are sexually and how you could potentially connect intimately. In that way, sexual identifiers can act as a roadmap to how you and a potential partner explore sexual compatibility. And while the aforementioned identifiers have roots in 1970s gay male culture, many queer people today have adopted the lingo and applied it to the community as a whole.
If you’re not quite sure what your sexual identifiers are, we’ve got you covered! xoNecole asked sex experts to break down the fundamentals of sexual identifiers, how to find your label, and why you shouldn’t feel pressured to limit how you identify yourself.
What It Means to Be a Top, a Bottom, a Switch, or a Vers
Although context can sometimes change, certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis tells xoNecole that “a top is the person doing or giving an action, to a bottom who is to receive or respond to an action,” she says. Sometimes, it’s all about energy or even the preferred power dynamics experienced between two or more people engaging in sex. But, as sex educator Jennifer Eden shares, “Top is not synonymous with dominant and bottom is not synonymous with submissive. You can be a service top or a bossy bottom. Top does not mean masculine and bottom does not mean feminine.”
In queer sex, penetration is not the end all be all when defining sex.
For example, a top can be someone who is doing the giving action of oral sex. A bottom can be someone who prefers to be submissive and on the surrendering side of sex acts. Those two examples aren’t necessarily centered on penetration. Therefore, top, bottom, switch, and vers aren’t labels that are inherently synonymous with sex positions or the act of sex itself.
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As previously stated, "switch" and "vers" are two other labels housed underneath the sexual self-identifiers umbrella. Short for "versatile," Francis explains that someone who is vers either prefers or is willing to maintain the "giver and receiver roles within or across experiences.” While some members of the community use the labels "switch" and "vers" interchangeably, there are some who feel that there are differences between the two.
For example, some feel that "vers" strictly relates to the top/bottom dynamic, meaning a person who is "vers" doesn't mind being either a top or a bottom during a sex act. Where being a "switch" can differ is the fact that there is room for more fluidity during a sexual exchange. An example of this would be, starting off a sex act in a bottom role and switching between the act of giver and receiver throughout the act. "Switch" is more commonly used in dynamics between people with vaginas.
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How to Find Your Sexual Identifier
Learning how you identify sexually takes exploration. When finding the sexual identifier that speaks most to you, Francis recommends being curious and seeking information in conversation with others–in films, in books, and in music. “Your sexual identity isn’t just a response to your sexual experiences,” she explains, “but how you see yourself as a sexual person. What feels good to you? What would you like to learn more about? What resonates with you? How might you want to present yourself, and with whom?”
And what if top, bottom, vers, or switch feel a little limited to the way you feel sexually or the types of things you’re into? Have no fear, Eden assures that it's commonplace to not identify wholly as one or the other. Like sex, the language you choose to label yourself with has room to be fluid and expansive. “Some people are tops in certain types of play and bottoms in others. Some people are tops with certain partners and bottoms with others,” they share. “Don’t let yourself get locked into a label that doesn’t feel like a perfect fit for you. You may need more than a one-word descriptor and that’s absolutely fine.”
There are also subgenres for tops and bottoms that further clarify sexual preferences and likes. For further sexual self-exploration, Eden recommends the following reads:
- Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (Second Edition)by Barbara Carrellas
- The Ethical Slut (Third Edition) by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
- Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Usby Jesse Bering
- The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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