Although I grew up in the church, I've never been someone who is big on church clichés. No matter how popular a phrase might've been, I was the kind of person who didn't simply hop on the bandwagon; I would research things first. That's why I know saying, "This too shall pass" is nowhere in the Bible (it's actually attached to Hebrew and Persian folklore).
Or, when I hear a Christian tell a little girl to be like Queen Esther, I often think to myself, "So, you know she spent the night with a pagan king and couldn't reveal that she was Jewish before she married him, right?" (Esther 2:12-14) This means that he probably had sex with her, just like all of those other women that he was "interviewing", so she probably wasn't a virgin on her wedding night.
And then there's Ruth. More specifically, Ruth and Boaz. Pretty much every time I hear or read a woman say, "I'm just waiting on my Boaz", I find myself either saying or thinking, "And that just might be why you're still waiting, sis."
Waiting for your Boaz. If there's one thing that I think far too many of us are way too guilty of, it's romanticizing the Bible. Was Boaz a good man? All evidence certainly points to that. But for those of you who want a man to pursue you and work hard for you, eh, Boaz isn't really your guy.
What The Bible Really Says About Waiting for Your Boaz
You'd be better off declaring that you're "waiting for Jacob" since he actually put in hard years of labor (technically, 14 of them—Genesis 29:20-35) for Rachel. Hmph. Even then, some might say that was karma because Jacob tricked his father, Isaac and stole from his brother, Esau "thanks" to his mother, Rebekah's little scheme and then his mother's brother, Laban turned around and tricked him. See what I mean? On the surface, does it seem like a beautiful gesture to have a man toil for your hand in marriage for years on end? Maybe. But if Jacob and his mom hadn't been so sneaky and conniving, perhaps he wouldn't have ended up with a wife he didn't want first (Leah) or he wouldn't have had to work at all.
That's why, I think it's so important to know what you're saying and why you're saying it before you actually do. And when it comes to waiting for your Boaz, as you're about to see in a sec, every time you put that into the Universe (Proverbs 18:21), you are saying more than a mouthful.
Naomi Was the Mastermind
The Book of Ruth really is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It's so rich that there's not enough time to get into all of the details. If you want a blow-by-blow account of each chapter, The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules is a pretty stellar read. For now, let's just go over a very brief recap. Naomi was a woman who had two sons that died, leaving behind two widows—Ruth and Orpah (fun fact: Oprah was named after Orpah but her aunt misspelled her name). When Naomi decided to return back to her homeland, Ruth went with her (Ruth 1). With no money and no idea what to do next, Ruth went to glean in a field of one of Naomi's relatives. His name was Boaz.
Boaz was kind to Ruth, no doubt. But other than allowing her to gather as much food as she could handle, he didn't do much else. It was Naomi who started to devise a plan in hopes of getting Boaz and Ruth together. First, that Ruth not go into any other field but Boaz's (Ruth 2:22-23). Next that she do the following:
"One day Naomi said to Ruth, 'My daughter, it's time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he's been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don't let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do."—Ruth 3:1-4(NLT)
Nowhere in the Book of Ruth does it say that Boaz asked Ruth out or even that he was pining away for her. It was Naomi who said, "Oh, Boaz? Yeah, I know him. He's my late husband's people. Here's how you can really get his attention." Bookmark that as we move on.
Ruth Did Most of the Legwork
After hearing Naomi's instructions, Ruth simply replied with, "I will do everything you say." (Ruth 3:5—NLT) She then got to work. Literally. Ruth applied some essential oils. She put on her best clothes. She went to see Boaz, uninvited, when, as the New Living Translation of Ruth 3:7 tells us, Boaz had drank and was "in good spirits". It was then that Ruth went into his sleeping space. Now peep what the author of the book that I referenced earlier writes about this part of their journey:
"Clearly, the storyteller has loaded the story with sexual overtones. Language full of double-meanings, the isolated setting, a man and woman alone in darkness, Ruth covering Boaz's "feet" [which some Jewish scholars say could be a euphemism for penis]—all combine to create an aura of ambiguity intended to leave the reader wondering how much of Boaz she uncovers and what Boaz will do with this interesting and unexpected opportunity when he wakes up."—pg. 147
Y'all, Ruth straight-up seduced this man. Only Ruth, Boaz and God Himself know how far things went, but I'll just say that it's not the kind of "date" that you'll hear a lot of pastors or mothers of the church recommend that folks go on. Still, it's in the Bible. And no, Boaz did not come onto Ruth. Ruth came onto Boaz. And there is absolutely no indication in the story that if Naomi had not thought the plan up and Ruth had not followed through that Boaz wouldn't have remained being anything more than "a really nice guy".
So, when you say that you are "waiting on your Boaz"—what are you saying exactly? That you're waiting for a nice man to come along, period? Or that you are waiting for a good man like Boaz to pursue you? If it's the former, I get it. If it's the latter and you intend to not put some real sweat equity into the dynamic, like I said…you could be waiting for a really long time.
A part of the reason why Ruth is my girl is because, like the subtitle of the book states, she didn't follow the rules. She didn't think that only a man should "pursue" a woman in order for a relationship to work (Adam didn't pursue Eve; King Xerses didn't pursue Esther. Both couples still had really powerful and biblical love stories—Genesis 2 and Esther 2). Ruth was bold. Ruth was forward. Ruth was a risk taker. And yes, it paid off. Big time.
Boaz Was a Gentleman but Definitely NOT the Initiator
If you continue to read through the Book of Ruth, you'll see that once Ruth stepped out and made her presence known (and then some) to Boaz, he protected her throughout the rest of the night and then figured out how to make her his wife. Again, all of this wasn't about love and romance, though. She was a Moabite (pagan). Plus, back then, women didn't spend the night with men who weren't their husbands. According to the culture, she could've been severely punished, even stoned to death. Yet, remember how Naomi said that she was gonna find Ruth her own home? Naomi knew all of this. There must've been a part of her that knew Boaz may not ever make the first move. So, she came up with a way to expedite everything. In other words, the story isn't so much "romantic" as it was calculated on Naomi's part and somewhat obligatory on Boaz's. Not to say that he didn't care for Ruth, but again, if you put culture into all of this, his sudden "swiftness" (which ironically is what Boaz means in the Hebrew language; Ruth means "friend") was to protect this woman and ultimately, quite possibly, save her life. He wasn't so much "in love" as he was being noble.
If you continue to read the story (there are four chapters), Boaz does some negotiating for Ruth's hand in marriage, they get married, have sex and conceive a son by the name of Obed who eventually becomes King David's grandfather and someone who is directly in the bloodline of Christ. It's a beautiful story. Yet again, it's not so much because of Boaz. Boaz was reactive. It was Naomi and Ruth who were proactive.
Here's another thing to consider. Remember, the Bible was translated into English. It's originally an eastern culture book with a ton of Hebrew characters in it. According to the Midrash (which is basically a collection of Jewish commentaries), the Shir ha-Shirim Zutta, Boaz and Ruth conceived Obed on their wedding night. Guess what happened the following day, though. Boaz died (he was considerably older than Ruth so, it's quite possible).
Yep. So, think long and hard—are you waiting for a good man who you'll have to seduce, who marries you, partly out of obligation, only for him to die the next day and leave you to raise the son the two of you made alone? Are you really?
Let God Write Your Own Love Story
Y'all, I'm not here to rain on your parade, I'm really not. I'm just here to enforce one of my favorite Message Version verses in the Bible—"It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it." (Ecclesiastes 7:18—Message) While it can be tempting to treat the coupledom stories of the Bible like they are fairy tales, at the end of the day, they are simply real people, having real experiences, where we are fortunate enough to see how God works in the midst of their good and not-so-good decisions. Their love stories are not told so that we'll mimic them so much as we'll remember that God has His hand in our life, just as much as He did in theirs. Oh, and so we can see what might be a good idea and…what might not.
Maybe at another time, I'll share why the fact that Ruth pursued Boaz doesn't bother me in the least. Yeah, another verse that could stand to be broken all the way down is "he who finds a wife" (Proverbs 18:22); especially since "find" means things like "to come upon by chance", to "realize" and to "consider". Also, since the very first love story did not consist of a man pursuing at all. Adam was asleep. God did it all (words to live by—Genesis 2). I'm simply saying that no, I'm not out here "waiting on my Boaz". I want my husband and I want it to be my individual journey. That was Ruth's. I want my own.
Some women have the "I'm waiting on my Boaz" so deeply ingrained into them that they will say it until the cows—or their husband—comes home (whichever comes first). But as for you, I hope this gave you a little something to think about. Words are powerful. Try and not put things, even "spiritual" things, into the world, just because everyone else might be saying it. Seek out the truth and reality about matters for yourself. You might just realize that you don't want what you thought you did. You might not want to wait on a Boaz. You might want God to simply lead you to your own husband in a totally different way. And sis, at the end of the day, I actually think that's a good thing. A really good thing.
Feature image by Shutterstock
Originally published on March 8, 2020
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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