Going Vegan? Avoid These Unhealthy Mistakes
OK so, there is this Nigerian woman who goes by the name EfikZara. She's got an Afro that is absolutely mind-blowing—like for real, for real. She's gorgeous and kind-of puts me in the mindset of the actor DeWanda Wise with a vibe that is sorta like another YouTuber, nappyheadedjojoba (who I featured last year in the article "Single Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). Anyway, as I was checking out EfikZara's video "Why The Natural Hair CULT (Community) is TRASH...? WILL I QUIT?", I noticed a comment that was made by a viewer who goes by Daytime Vegan:
"I feel this way about the vegan community. It has become a cult that spews hate to anyone who isn't a purist vegan eating salads and smoothie bowls every day. Don't dare eat a vegan frozen pizza or cook with oil or even THINK about leaving veganism. Many vegans will come for your blood. It really is exhausting."
(I know, right? She's also got some pretty counter-cultural thoughts on hair grease, too. You can check those out here.)
I'm not a vegan or vegetarian, but with headlines like "Hundreds of thousands ditching meat as part of January vegan resolutions that will continue through the year, campaigners say," I think that it's super-important to not only acknowledge the ever-growing vegan community, but to provide it the support it needs. Part of what comes with that is offering knowledge. So today, let's dive into some common mistakes that many vegans make.
The first one would be what Daytime Vegan said. If you want to be a vegan, cool. But just like I'm sure you don't want anyone cramming their philosophies or way of life down your throat (see "How To Respect Someone's Path When It's Nothing Like Your Own"), it's important to extend that same courtesy to others---even when it comes to diet.
That said, as far as your health goes, it's not enough to just think that if you totally abstain from animal products, you're all good. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being an "unhealthy vegan", and here are some of the main ways that people end up becoming one, sometimes without having a clue.
1. Not Getting All The B12 You Need
I'm someone who is borderline anemic. Something that totally turned that around for me is taking a B12 supplement. Not only is B12 something that helps to prevent megaloblastic anemia, it also maintains your nerve and blood cells, supports bone health, and can help to keep depression-related symptoms at bay.
The reason why this tops the list of vegan-related mistakes is because there are more and more articles coming out like "A doctor is warning vegans not to believe internet rumors that vitamin B12 is unnecessary" due to the fact that many vegans are not intentional about getting enough of this vitamin into their system. You can avoid being one of them by taking a daily supplement. Or, you can eat more foods rich in B12. It's true that it's easiest to find B12 in fish and dairy, but fortified cereals and some plant-based milk alternatives including hemp, cashew and coconut milk are good vegan sources too.
2. Not Getting Enough Calcium, Either
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A lot of us grew up hearing that dairy was the best way to get the calcium that we need. Personally, I never got why humans seem to be the only mammals who not only drink another mammal's milk but continue to do it well into adulthood. As if that ain't enough of a reason to reconsider consuming it, dairy also gets major side-eye because it can cause body inflammation, raise insulin levels, increase mucus production, and it comes with a certain amount of cancer risks. I mean, it's not like you can't get all of the calcium that you need without milking a cow.
Almonds, kale, broccoli, oranges, chia and sesame seeds, amaranth grain and spinach are just some of the non-dairy options that are calcium-rich.
And, of course, this is a mineral that also comes in supplement form if you'd rather go the "pill a day keeps the doctor away" route.
3. “Overdosing” on Protein
One of the biggest concerns that a lot of newbie vegans have when they are transitioning over to a vegan lifestyle is if they'll be getting enough protein. While protein is certainly essential in order to build and repair body tissue, grow hair and nails, and make pretty much all of the body chemicals within our system, you don't need as much as you probably think that you do. If a man gets around 56 grams on a daily basis and a woman takes in 46 grams (which is around 10-15 percent of your daily caloric intake), everything should be all good.
And just how can you know if you are low-key overdosing on protein? Headaches, digestive issues, nausea, dehydration and fatigue are some of the signs. So, if you've been eating a ton of oats, corn, potatoes, cauliflower, Chinese cabbage, sundried tomatoes and/or artichokes and you've been experiencing any of these symptoms lately, scale back a bit. If you start to feel better, chances are, you did take it a little too far on the vegan protein tip.
4. Eating Way Too Much “Vegan” Junk Food
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I remember watching an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 back in the day where Brenda declared that she was a vegetarian and shamed her family for eating beef, only for her brother Brandon to call her out for wearing a leather jacket. That's what I think of whenever a vegan friend of mine is piling up on junk food. Not eating meat doesn't mean you can't still overdo it when it comes to sugar, sodium and Lord knows what else.
If you're not sure if you are someone who falls into the "junkie vegan" category, you might want to read "Are You a Junk Food Vegan?" in its entirety. A simple way to know is based on something that was referenced in the article: "A junk food vegan is a vegan who regularly consumes highly processed foods which are primarily made in science labs." Yep, that's about it in a nutshell. Another article that breaks down some vegan junk food that needs to be replaced with some healthier alternatives is "10 Vegan Foods That AREN'T Healthy—And What to Eat Instead".
Remember, just because you might not eat steak or chicken wings, that doesn't mean those veggie chips and dairy-free cookies can't raise your blood pressure too.
5. Or Eating Way Too Many Meat Substitutes
I guess if you're a vegan, strictly for environmental reasons, I get why you would constantly be on the lookout for foods that have a taste and texture similar to meat. But other than that, I would like to hear in the comment section why someone would give up meat and then want something that's as close to it as possible. I mean, it's not like a lot of these meat substitutes out here ain't loaded with sodium, processed chemicals, and a high price tag. It's also not like there aren't plenty of articles out in cyberspace suggesting that you avoid "fake meat" as much as possible (see "The trouble with fake meat", "The Foods You Should & Shouldn't Be Eating On A Plant-Based Diet" and "Are Meat Substitutes Bad For You Or What?"). Does this mean that you can never have an Impossible Whopper for lunch? I don't think that's the conclusion. Just make sure that you do all things in moderation. Fresh fruits and veggies are always gonna be better for you than a burger—no matter what form it comes in.
6. Not Taking in Enough Calories
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Something that a lot of people overlook is, when you decide to go without meat and dairy, that means you are also going without fat in your diet. This means less calories which means you actually need to eat more. When you take into account that veggies and fruits consist of a lot of water and fiber, you're probably not getting nearly as many calories as meat-eaters do; especially if you're eating the way you always have.
Here's the deal. If you want to maintain your current weight, as a woman, you need somewhere around 2,000 calories a day (1,500 if you wish to lose about a pound a week). Men need about 2,500. Apples, carrots, cucumbers, garlic, grapefruit and peppers are extremely low in calories. So, until you get used to what foods can give you the daily caloric intake that your body requires, you might want to refer to a calorie chart (like this one), just so you can get used to your new calorie intake normal.
7. Becoming Iron Deficient
Something else that meat does is provide a good source of iron. You can actually eat a 4 oz steak and get about 20 percent of the iron that your body needs for the day. So, as a vegan, just make sure that you've got some 100 percent grape juice, dark leafy greens, lentils, asparagus, sweet potatoes, raisins or dried apricots around. Otherwise, you could end up with brittle nails, shortness of breath or even a damaged immune system.
8. Forgetting All About Omega-3 Fatty Acids
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One of the most important reasons to make sure that you've got some omega-3 fatty acids in your system is so that you can protect your heart. It's proven that these acids help to slow down the development of plaque around your arteries, reduce the chances of you having a heart attack or stroke, and can even lower your blood pressure. I personally take them in supplement form because they're really good at keeping my skin and hair moisturized; studies also say that they can protect us from UV damage too.
I must admit that omega-3 capsules are a little on the large side. So, if you'd prefer to get this nutrient via your diet, since salmon isn't your thing, try the following—walnuts, flaxseeds, hemp seeds, chia seeds, spinach, brussel sprouts and purslane (which is basically a weed that can be treated just like lettuce).
9. Not Doing Enough Research on Different (Health-Conscious) Recipes
The folks that I know who flip-flop back and forth when it comes to whether they are a practicing vegan or not, they typically struggle due to sheer boredom. That's why this point also makes the health-related vegan mistakes list. Think about it—if you are vegan in order to detox your system or because you think it would be better for you overall, it's important that you find healthy recipes that will keep you committed to your health plan.
If you're currently seeking some inspiration, our article "15 Vegan Soul Food Dishes That'll Make You Rethink Meat" can help you out. I also recommend that you check out sites like Blacks Going Vegan, Veggie Soul Food and downloading the Black Vegan Tube app; it's an app that is totally free and offers support and info to people within the Black vegan community (their IG handle is @blackvegantube). Some vegan chefs that you might want to start following include Rachel Ama (@rachelama_), Jenné Claiborne (@sweetpotatosoul), Bryant Terry (@bryantterry), Stacy Dougan (@simplypurely) and Shauna (@Blaq.Vegan). The more you learn, the more exciting veganism can become for you.
10. Not Having a Grocery Budget
Yep. I sure did put this on the health list. If you're spending so much money on food that you can't pay your rent, I think that could lead to an anxiety attack, at the very least. Shoot, the last time I went to Whole Foods (which was just a couple of weeks ago), I spent almost $50 on three cartons from the hot bar (one was vegan collards, by the way), so y'all can't convince me that veganism is a cheaper route to go. Still, I will agree with the stance that it can be more affordable than a lot of us think if there is a budget in place, less "brand names" are purchased, and there's a commitment to cook from scratch. For instance, instead of always buying a Beyond Meat Beast Burger, take out a weekend to learn how to make your own black bean burger instead. And, rather than always being up in Whole Foods, take a stroll through your local farmers market.
Hmph. Come to think of it, if budgeting is something that you keep fumbling on, maybe going vegan can change all of that. There is no way that you can be a "good vegan" without preparing a grocery list beforehand and, if you want to come home with more than one shopping bag, you need to set some money aside. Anything that can make you responsible with money has got to be at least worth trying. Yeah…I'll think about it (wink).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How I Transitioned My Meat-Loving Family To A Vegan Diet
10 Foods You Should Eliminate From Your Diet If You're Trying to Lose Weight
How To Stan For Your Newly Vegan Homegirl Like She's Beyonce
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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