

This is a dating guide for trans girls becoming women quicker than it feels like their hearts can survive the journey through the hands of men. As a young trans woman, the world has already taken so much from you. It has tied your wings even before you learned the feeling of flight into the world and your lover’s arms. You would think that men would be gentle with women who have had so much taken from them. You would think that they’d recognize your vulnerability to the elements of the world and put themselves in front of you, as protectors, instead of leaving you to weather its storms alone. You would think that others would not feel the need to create competition with girls who are most often not considered “real” women and who are killed in the act of un-naming them.
Even with these hard truths forging you in their fires along the way, there is hope. Your journey is one that ultimately fashions a passionate, resourceful, and fiercely self-loving woman. There is however the issue of survival against destructive forces. The intimate space that young trans women navigate in the exploration of romantic love with men is often a high-stakes game of minesweeper.
These are some of the trials and characters you may meet along the way:
Lipstick Alley Headline
Things may often seem very unfair. Cis people love to pass Black trans women's photos around the internet as a "warning" to men. They love to pass around a trans woman’s photo and perform a ritual to tear apart her beauty, nitpick her face and try to destroy her reputation and image. I pray for spiritual protection for all trans women. Pray with me. Our beauty is not defined by the cis tribunal. You do not have to feel shame for your desire and others’ desire for you. Do your best not to allow others' behavior towards you to define you.
The Vibester
An unending party of vibes and vaguery that never ends. There are many men who will not create safety for you or openly express their feelings for you, yet will try to push a sexual agenda on your body and place you in a dangerous space of ambiguity. They will try to turn a “vibe” into sex, without any communication or admissions of romantic affection. This can be extremely dangerous for a trans woman. It may work for cis people, as a moment of fleeting pleasure, but often you may find it just feels scary and unsure. Allow them to do the work for you. All girls deserve an admission of desire and an allowance of care. Allow him to establish a context of safety as a beautiful bridge into the erotic.
The Casual Criminal
It’s no big deal. Nothing is a big deal, even when you need it to be. There’s not much room for intimacy, only vibes. These are men who see you as one of the world's many buffet offerings for his perusal, as opposed to honoring your unique needs and vulnerabilities as a trans woman. You’re considered the same as everyone else in his circus, the only problem is you’re not. You’re not for men who don’t have the time to consider you, the offering of your vulnerability, or your safety. He may be using the idea of “sameness” to avoid intimacy and accountability and considers all of his work done for being “cool” about you being transgender.
Sometimes cool can be too cool. So cool, it becomes lukewarm, stale, and tepid. You don’t want boring. Hold out for a little passion. Be a big deal. You are one and you deserve it.
Houdini
Completely disappears after the slightest moments of intimacy. Reappears when the chemistry fizzles out to keep the cycle going. Cycles of intimate rejection and painful revolving doors rarely end in the love you seek. You are the magician and your magic is in the craft of your heart, not disappearing it.
The Therapy Bill
Not sure why but you feel terrible after every interaction. He doesn’t create or encourage a context of safety or transparency. The longer they know you, the more increasingly psychologically complex they become in their emotional terrorism of you. You keep waiting for things to let out into peace and clarity, but instead of an ocean, it's a drain circle. If you have to ask your friends for too much advice to feel “okay” or if at every turn you are more disturbed and confused than the last, it's likely a negative cycle, not a deepening intimacy. Hold out for a man who is a friend to your mind.
The Chaser
You deserve more than men who target vulnerable women and use them as a kink. You are not a kink. You are a woman. You are easy to love and therefore you do not have to worship a man for finding you beautiful. Men who move through vulnerable communities of women for their own emotional and sexual pleasures are simply a different type of misogynist. And no one deserves an award for loving you. You are alarmingly beautiful and unconditionally inspiring of love.
The Activist
There are men who talk a good game about liberation and fill their bookshelves with the self-righteousness of their own literacy. Do not be surprised if they never apply any of it to relate to you. There are men who will learn just enough emotional depth and get in touch with their feelings just enough to use them against you. There will be sensitive poets and writers who ultimately only understand their own pain and the desire for their own freedom, while yours largely remains a theory or a cudgel to use against others. There will be many who define their own liberation as the right to quiet you.
When you explain your sufferings and ask for a reprieve from your pain, they will talk about how it's really them that's suffering. These men rarely actively address their own sufferings, merely use them as reasons why they should be able to abuse freely. Your job and your labor of love as a trans woman are to live the freedom he can only ever read about in books. Walk out of the pages and away from his hands.
The Enigma
Is this a date? Are we friends? Are we attracted to each other? What is happening? No one involved has any idea and so you float until there is finally heartbreak to free you. There are men who have no idea what they are doing and in the space of ignorance, they keep you at arm's length, while using you for whatever desires randomly emerge during a drunken night. There are men who are far too afraid to face their desire for you, yet they can’t let you go, so they keep exactly the information you need to make the best decisions for your own life. There are men who are criminally casual. In the face of stagnation and emotional poverty, pray and walk steadily from these lands until you find love.
Dangerous Liaisons
There are unfortunately men willing to kill in order to preserve their sense of self and enact power over vulnerable women. Develop a practice of safety that serves your unique circumstances, honors your truths, and practice not sacrificing your own safety and body in the pursuit of romance or pleasure.
The Clockers
There is often someone trying to “clock” and “check” your womanhood. There is an impossible standard of beauty imposed upon trans women. Nothing short of perfection is ever enough for the naysayers and even a few of the well-meaning. No one has to be as beautiful as you to be loved.
Therefore, it may seem like everyone else but you can be loved. You will wonder what is the formula to be considered “human.” A change of hair, more hips, boobs, a bigger ass, lighter skin. When it comes to the dominant cisgender values on beauty, rarely is anything ever enough. You are always one shifting goalpost away from “enough.” You are always one hair out of place from being unmasked as “unreal.” The beauty that the dominant messaging tries to impose on trans women is a beauty of surveillance. You will often find eyes searching for a reason to unmask what they see as “the trick” of your womanhood. Especially if you are Black.
You may look around while you are hungry and notice a lot of instant noodle romance: Images of love that promise to feed you, but lack what you really need to feel nourished. Everyone seems to have come with the right ingredients in their cup to be instantly loved, ingredients that never seem to include the things that make up women like you. Love may seem instant for others, while yours seems like a longer reach from God. There are many men who may fight their feelings for you because you are far from a woman who is convenient to the status quo. Others may seem to have an easier time in love than you. It may reach them quicker, with fewer obstructions and more open desire. Yours is not a quick plate love, it is a slowly opening one. God’s love for you is flavored to the bone.
The Chicken
Your success in romance, will not come from contorting yourself to a man’s fantasy and avoiding his disapproval by trying to manage his emotions with a tireless performance of femininity. You are not responsible for a man’s emotions and feelings about his attraction to you. Men will often lay this burden at your feet and create a dynamic of constantly courting their approval. They enforce this dynamic through intimate partner violence, from the emotional and psychological to the physical. Men who date trans women often develop a habit of making their fear your problem.
Don’t let a man’s fear of you define you. There will be many men who are too afraid to openly face their desire for you. They will often see you as a shameful desire, like a porn category they can shut their laptop on when they’ve had enough. When they are ready again and the blood rushes to their head, they reappear. They are not reappearing for a better relationship with you, they are appearing for another hit. Repeated behavior without deepened intimacy does not get better, it’s a compulsion, not a relationship.
Men who act on compulsion for you, instead of connecting to you are adversaries to the self-realization of your own humanity. This is always the goal of a trans woman. Our goal is not to prove to others that we are worthy of love. Our goal is not to save the world, it is to remove the projections of inhumanity that society has placed over us and to constantly ritualize our own humanity back into our focus. Our goal is to recognize that we are beautiful, not because we align with images of what is “allowed,” but because we walk the path of life’s wild and unpredictable beauty itself. We are nature unfolding in the personal truth of rare shapes and intoxicating bloom.
The Glitch in the Matrix
Be wary of men who loop. When men perform repetitive cycles of shallow engagement, they are tuning into you as an object of erotic fetish, not a human being. They are extracting pleasure as a means of avoidance and ego, rather than engaging in acts of care and protective love. You will likely find a certain type of guy who enjoys the attention of young trans women but withholds deepened relationships with her.
When asked to clarify attraction, commitment, or intention, this man will withdraw and make the trans woman feel punished. He will reappear when enough distance has been created to restart the cycle and enough time has passed to “forget” your needs. You may think the reappearance means that he is prepared to meet those needs. It does not. He repeats the cycle of rejection and reappearance if you ask again. Over time, the trans woman learns that asking for her needs to be met will be met with withdrawal and abandonment.
When the black cat of a man’s ego appears twice, choose yourself.
The Backseat Driver
There are many who will demand perfection from you that they do not even demand from themselves. There will be people who will say that we deserve to die for not navigating relationships with men according to their idea of “perfection.” Always choose your own safety as you learn not to open where you cannot reveal the truth of your body and your own experiences. Having access to you is a secret menu that many just cannot afford and they do not have the special passwords.
“Perfection” will likely be a huge theme in your life. Lack of perfection for a trans woman can sometimes mean harm or even death. It is not your job to be perfect, it is your job to be “love.” It is your job to live, according to your own needs, not the projections of others. You may face many disappointments in love and with them will come learning. A lot of women struggle with self-blame when relationships end or become destructive. I think a better way to approach a painful relationship is not “what did I do wrong?” but “nothing in that relationship was conducive to me succeeding.” You likely were not set up for success. Dispense with guilt and shame. When you are set up for success, you don’t have to be perfect.
There is room for you and your learning. This includes your romantic life. If you are not supported away from the self-blame of overthinking and being invited into care, you mistake performance of goodness for connection. If you have to fix things all on your own, by lashing yourself with a constant demand for your own perfection, the connection demands too much of your own blood and suffering to be safe for you. If the connection dissolves when you discontinue this practice, it was not of love.
The One
There will be many men who are just not for you. Even if they want you, they ultimately just cannot make the leap across what society tells them they can and cannot have. Only the one can make the jump. Hold out for a “Neo.”
The Concern Trolls, the Bad Faith Actors and Finally, You
There are many people who wish for you to remain in pain and for sadness to reside permanently in your heart. As an act of political and intimate necrotism, like when Colombus set dogs upon queer Indigenous people as his first act of setting upon their land. You do not have to live that way. You do not have to live in competition. You do not have to live in fear. You do not have to waste time fearing for your life, merely let go of the loves that do not become you. You do not have to live in lack, you simply have to practice sumptuously in your prayers. You do not have to argue talking points about your humanity, you simply have to orgasm in the privacy of your templed hands.
If the men do not show, as often they do not, make worship of your love for life in the approach of their death. My advice to you is to live and always forgive yourself for the hard acts against you. Dear young, Black trans woman, we used to follow the stars and night for freedom. Now we follow the Sun.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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10 Quick & Easy Ways To Give Yourself An All-Natural Dopamine Hit
Recently, while talking to a client of mine about why they seem to have such a challenging time releasing some of their vices, I simply said, “You know they are a dopamine hit for you, right?” While it’s not an excuse for some of the poor decisions that they’ve been making as of late, science is science.
That said, it’s an irrefutable fact that the neurotransmitter known as dopamine has been proven to cause us to feel pleasure, to motivate us, to cause us to want to put our attention on certain things, and to also get us into a better mood. And when things like sex, sugar, or social media give us this rush or hit, if we’re not careful, these activities can lean into addiction…sometimes without us even noticing it.
However, because you need dopamine in order to do so many daily functions (some signs that you are low in dopamine are located here, by the way), the focus shouldn’t be to avoid these rushes altogether. First, make sure that your “preferred hits” are used responsibly (and that you factor in short as well as long-term consequences or outcomes).
Secondly, check out the following 10 things that you can do to get a fix in a healthy (or healthier) way. Things that can benefit your mind, body, and spirit overall — so that your pleasure doesn’t come with any unexpected “extras.”
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1. Eat Foods That Are High in Tyrosine
Tyrosine is an amino acid. Your system needs it because it helps to reduce stress, boosts cognitive function and it helps your system to produce dopamine. That’s why it’s such a good idea to consume foods that are high in tyrosine including chicken, turkey, eggs, pumpkin seeds, lima beans, cheese and nuts.
2. Consume More Protein and Less Saturated Fat
Speaking of tyrosine, since amino acids are considered to be “the building blocks of protein” and protein is a rich source of tyrosine, you should also consume protein-rich foods like salmon, beef, bison, Greek yogurt, peanut butter, peas and quinoa. Just make sure that when you eat meat, you watch how you prepare it because saturated fats (like animal fat and dairy) can actually disrupt how dopamine is processed within your system.
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3. Take a Probiotic
You may already be aware of the fact that probiotics can do wonders for your gut health. However, were you aware that research also says it can help to put you in a better mood as well? Probably the easiest way to explain it is, your gut and brain are connected via something known as a gut-brain axis. And so, since your gut produces some of the same neurotransmitters as your brain does (including dopamine), when your gut is strong and healthy, it gives off a stronger “dopamine vibe” which, in turn, makes you feel better. The more you know. So, since a probiotic helps your gut to thrive — there you go.
4. Take a Multivitamin Too
Remember how I briefly referenced dopamine deficiency earlier? A few signs that you need more dopamine in your system include having trouble concentrating, being moody, having a decreased libido, your weight fluctuating (for what appears to be no reason) and you not being able to sleep (well) — and sometimes, these things are directly tied into not having enough of certain vitamins and minerals in your system. That’s why taking a multivitamin can also be good for you, as far as your dopamine levels are concerned.
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5. Spend More Time in the Sun
I’ve said a billion times before that I like random information. Well, while reading an article on natural ways to treat Parkinson’s disease, it stated that something that naturally increases dopamine levels is spending time in the sun. Apparently, when cells in your retina are exposed to sunlight, they send messages to cells that produce dopamine, so that your dopamine levels increase. So, if you like to exercise or just enjoy quiet time, consider doing it outside more often. Your dopamine levels will adore it.
6. Set a Goal. Then Reach It.
Even though there are some haters out in the universe who believe that too much hype is put into goal-setting (crazy, right?), so much scientific research disagrees. In fact, some studies cite that when you set a goal, that automatically causes your dopamine levels to spike, because it feels good to do something that will motivate, inspire and ultimately cause you to become a better person. Now just imagine how even better you will feel once you reach the goal that you set. AMEN?
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7. Listen to Instrumental Music
Wanna improve your sex life? Check out “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” Along these same lines, wanna increase your dopamine levels via another all-natural way? Listen to instrumental music. According to science, dopamine is activated via stimuli like instrumental music. In fact, not only can listening to it make you feel a lot better, playing an instrument can too.
8. Meditate
If you don’t meditate on a consistent basis, you absolutely should ponder doing so. Studies show that it helps to decrease stress and anxiety levels, it improves your emotional health, it makes you more self-aware, strengthens your memory and even helps you to be a kinder individual. Know what else meditation has the ability to do: elevate your dopamine levels. According to science, by getting still and then concentrating on that stillness for a certain amount of time will provide certain neurotransmitters in your system with a real boost — including dopamine.
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9. Do What (Responsibly) Feels Good
When’s the last time that you did something purely for the fun of it? Believe it or not, there is a pretty popular study out here which says that most of us only spend three percent of each day doing something that we thoroughly enjoy. Y’all, it really is kind of wild that we don’t prioritize two things that are directly tied to our overall happiness and well-being: hobbies and quality rest (which I will get to in just a sec). That said, never feel guilty about choosing to participate in activities that make you laugh, bring excitement into your life and cause you to feel good about life. So long as you’re acting responsibly, it’s the right thing for you to do.
10. Get More Rest
Dopamine is on a cycle. That’s why it’s critical to get no less than 6-8 hours on a consistent basis; that way, dopamine can build back up in your system, so that you will have enough to get through the next day. So, if you are someone who keeps treating sleep more like a luxury than a priority, here’s hoping that this will finally get you to take shut-eye more seriously.
Your dopamine levels are dependent on it — which means that you enjoying life more does too, chile.
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