Something that I really enjoy doing is providing my clients with proven and effective sex hacks. One day, when I was speaking to a wife about how “blah” her bedroom was (as far as intimacy goes), I suggested that she consider sprucing things up by changing her color palette.
“Shellie, you really think that would change anything?” she asked with a big hint of sarcasm and skepticism.
“I mean, even the Bible mentions a green bed in the Song of Solomon.”
And indeed, it does. Song of Solomon 1:16 (NKJV), the Black woman (Song of Solomon 1:5) known as the Shulamite said, “Behold, you are handsome, my beloved! Yes, pleasant! Also, our bed is green.” I absolutely adore that because I know what green symbolizes. It represents things like health, fertility, rebirth, growth, and peace, and for a woman to say that the bed that she shares with her lover is filled with all of those things…I mean, how awesome is that?
It's also a great way to intro the topic for today — color psychology. Not just that, but how you actually can use it to make your sex life better. If your curiosity is piqued, read on to find out how you can use certain hues to cultivate a sexier atmosphere in your own life.
Color Psychology. Revisited.
GiphyOkay, so sincepsychology is the study of the mind and how humans behave because of it,color psychology is about how our minds respond and react to various hues. Although some people are somewhat unconvinced that color psychology is a “real thing,” there is enough research and data that’s available to support its validity.
For instance, one of the reasons why high-end hotels go with white sheets for their bedding is because white represents things like purity, cleanliness, and even luxury. One reason why many of us wear black to funerals is because black symbolizes things like formality and death. If whenever you go to a spa, you notice a lot of blue, that could be because that color is all about peace, tranquility, and trust.
Although the science behind color psychology is semi-complex, the main reason why color has the ability to affect us in the way that it does is because of the way that our eyes and brain interact with certain lights and wavelengths. In other words, each color causes our brains to either absorb light or reflect it, and based on what our brain does in response to all of this, that has a direct impact on our moods.
For example, when we process something as being the color yellow, it can provide us with a surge of energy, while if we process something as being red, it can literally increase our heart rate and adrenaline levels. And this is why you may notice classrooms that are painted yellow or why you may have noticed that red is considered to be a sexually stimulating hue.
Speaking of red, this would be a good of a time as any to segue into why it and certain other colors have the ability to influence and even improve your sex life.
Colors That Work As an “Aphrodisiac”
GiphyWhen it comes to certain colors having an aphrodisiac effect, since I just mentioned red, let’s start with it.
If you were to poll a group of people about a color that they would consider to be the absolute sexiest, there’s a pretty good chance that red would top the list. That’s because it is associated with things like love, passion, energy, excitement, and desire.
In fact, one study revealed that men find red to be the sexiest color to the point where almost 60 percent of them were more inclined to ask a woman out if she happened to have that color on. Not only that, but if women were standing in front of a red backdrop, most of the men in the study automatically found them to be more attractive.
Something else that’s interesting about the color red is “…it's not just men, but women, too, who see women who dress in red as more overtly sexual and open to having sex.” So clearly, if you want to be seen in a sensual way, wearing red (even if it’s just red lipstick) is something that you should consider doing.
Is red the only sexually stimulating hue out here, though? Nope. Aside from green, which I mentioned in the intro:
- Orange represents creativity and enthusiasm
- Purple represents luxury and spirituality
- Black represents mystery and elegance
- Pink represents femininity and playfulness
- Brown represents warmth and comfort
While keeping all of this in mind, now that you know that even science backs that color can mentally and emotionally affect you, when it comes to your sex life, it’s important to select shades that will influence the vibe that you want to give in order to receive the results that you want. For instance, do you want a passionate night? You might want to go with red.
On the other hand, if you’d like to experience a little of what I call “comfort sex” (check out “What Is 'Comfy Sex'? How Can You Get More Of It?”), you might want to bring some brown into the picture. Interesting how each shade can bring about something different, right?
How to Use Color to Improve the Quality of Your Sex Life
GiphyOkay, sonow that you know that there is some straight-up legitimacy that comes with incorporating color into, not just your life, but your bedroom (activities) as well, let’s briefly explore a few practical ways that you can do just that.
Sleepwear. Sometimes, the topic of lingerie comes up with my clients (check out “Lingerie Hacks: How To Choose The Best Kind For Your Body Type”). When it does, I will recommend that the wife wear something that is in her husband’s favorite color — because if she’s already in something that’s hella sexy, if it’s also in a color that he really likes, that can cause his eyes to light up all the more!
However, when it comes to color psychology, specifically, if you want to get your partner to try something new, maybe an orange teddy will subconsciously convey the message. Bottom line here, try wearing something in the color that represents the kind of night you want to have — and see if it helps to push things into that direction.
Bedding.A firm mattress. Some breathable bedding (like cotton or sateen). Scented sheets. All of this can play a seductive role in having a great night with your bae — and so can selecting sheets that are of a particular color. For this one, you might want to go with a darker hue like purple or even charcoal because they both can make you feel extravagant — and since one definition of that word is “going beyond bounds” — well…I’ll leave that to your imagination. #wink
Lighting. This one just might surprise you. Although you might automatically think that going with something like a red light bulb is the best route to take on the “set the mood” lighting tip, you actually should opt for brown instead. I actuallyread an article that said in a lot of sex scenes from popular movies (like Fifty Shades of Grey), brown was used because it’s a very inviting color. Hmph, when you think about the warm'n'cozy thing, that definitely tracks.
Footwear. When you get a chance, check out TIME’s “Science Proves It: Men Really Do Find High Heels Sexier.” When I shared it with a few “feet men” that I know and asked them if this also applies to sex, each of them said that they are super turned on by women who wear stilettos in the bedroom. I was told that they like it because it makes their legs look longer, it’s unbelievably feminine, and if it’s even erotic. The best color to go with? Black is a classic choice — and since it also symbolizes things like power and authority, if you want to be a bit dominant tonight, a black pump will certainly help to get the message across.
Lipstick. And yes, the lips. A little over a year ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “The Secret To The Ultimate Oral Sex Experience? Lip Gloss.” When you get a chance, check it out and then think about applying a coat of it to some red or pink lips. It will make your lips look unbelievably sensual and will be sure to ramp up his desire for you…even more.
____
When it comes to having a truly fulfilling sex life, it doesn’t always take a lot of effort. Sometimes, just the change of color can make it happen. At least, that’s what science says.
Try a new color — then report back about which one worked best for you.
I can’t wait to hear it. #wink
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During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
Courtesy
Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
GiphyY’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
GiphyBefore we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
GiphyAnd here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
GiphySo, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
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