In About Face, xoNecole gets the 411 on IGers who give us #skincaregoals on the daily. Here they break down their beauty routines on the inside and out, as well as the highly coveted products that grace their shelves and their skin.
I had the pleasure of meeting Brooklyn-based creative Tauri Janeé when I was facilitating a conversation with her about the adultification of Black women during an online event curated by founder Yasmine Jameelah's organization, Transparent Black Girl. After speaking with the Black femme artist for nearly half an hour and doing a Zoom twerking session, I knew I had to speak with her about her glowing skin. Before we jumped into everything skincare, I wanted to know all about her career as a full-time creative and how it impacted her day-to-day life during the pandemic.
"I recently transitioned into being a full-time creative, meaning my income derives from the different creative projects I'm working on. Most of them are design-based which is affirming because I taught myself how to use Photoshop. I've also leaned further into influencing. I've always been intimidated by that career path, but quarantine has changed me," Tauri told xoNecole. "It's helped me realize how independent I can be and I've used that energy to invest further into my creative goals. In the past month, I've created more opportunities for myself than I ever did when I was a corporate girl."
In this installment of xoNecole's About Face, Tauri talks about a red lip boosting her confidence, using a face mask if she's feeling a little extra spicy for her skincare routine, and being inspired by Alicia Keys.
Her relationship with beauty and skincare…
"I'm still building a relationship with beauty and skincare. My high school prom may have been the last time I had on a full face of makeup. Right now, at this very moment, I still don't know the difference between primer and concealer. Growing up, the women in my family didn't place an emphasis on beauty. To this day, my grandmother will say things like, 'Who cares what other people think about how you look?' or 'Do whatever the [redacted] you want with your body!'"
My morning routine consists of...
"Unfortunately, I am one of those people who checks their phone first thing in the morning. I wish I could say I got up, drank green juice, then completed four sun salutations but that would be a lie. I also spend a good deal of time staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of how every moment of my life has led to yet another day of me sleeping in until noon."
Tauri Janeé
My AM skincare routine looks like…
"When I remember to wash my face, I typically use Glossier's Milky Jelly Cleanser. I like it because it never leaves my face feeling stripped. It has a consistency that I've never felt in a face wash before. Afterwards, I use a toner from AMOREPACIFIC, followed by the Glossier Priming Moisturizer and an AMOREPACIFIC serum oil. My old job used to give away products that were gifted to us. I had to Google Amore Pacific and let's just say, when this batch is gone, ya girl does not have the budget to replenish it, ha!
"I'm always inclined to point out that I've been on birth control since I was a teenager and it has significantly influenced my skin. Often when people compliment my skin I respond with, 'Thanks, it's the hormones.' I don't say this as an advocate for taking birth control to manage your skin, but to highlight that it's not always about having the perfect product! Products I use during the day include Supergoop sunscreen, Glossier Rosewater Soothing Face Mist, Nivea Moisture Lip Care (this product has never failed me) and beauty supply store lip gloss."
My PM skincare routine looks like...
"If I'm feeling spicy, I'll apply a face mask. I like the Mask of Magnaminty from Lush."
How my skincare changes for the seasons…
"My skin gets so unbelievably dry in the winter. At that point, I'm practically inhaling moisturizers. My nose and lips suffer the most. I always make sure to moisturize them before bed. If not, I'll wake up with split skin to compliment the crust in my eyes."
My go-to makeup look consists of…
"I don't wear makeup. Every now and then, if I'm up for it, I'll throw on a red lip. My friends have a joke where they say, 'You know Tauri is feeling herself when the red lip comes out.' They aren't wrong. Nothing like the confidence that comes along with a red lip."
Tauri Janeé
How I approach beauty from the inside out…
"Drink water. I don't say this as a joke or to follow any trends. If I am not hydrated, I pass out. In grad school, I spent a day tanning in my backyard, only to faint on my kitchen floor later because I didn't drink enough water."
What self-care looks like to me…
"A good playlist, my journal, pastries and art."
My travel skincare routine looks like…
"My skincare routine goes out the window when I travel. How anyone can think of exfoliating while eating tapas on a foreign balcony is beyond me."
My earliest beauty memory…
"I used to rip pages of Alicia Keys out of magazines and show them to my godmother so she could recreate the hairstyles on me. Getting my hair braided are some of my earliest memories of feeling beautiful. I'd whine and cry throughout the process, but afterwards I would stand in front of the mirror in awe. I really felt like the girls on the cover of Vibe magazines. That's the power of representation.
"(P.S. There was a boy on my street who'd chase me around and say, 'Sing me a song, Alicia.' Shout out to him for gassing me!)"
For more Tauri, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image provided by Tauri Janeé
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Take her sex life, for example. Although some women have a pretty thriving sex life throughout their pregnancy and, after their six-month check-up, they resume having sex relatively smoothly then as well, for other women, their experience is quite different. And because sex, post-delivery, still (amazingly) remains a taboo topic on a lot of levels, other (new) moms suffer in silence because they feel like they are alone.
That, right there, is why I decided to sit down with some mothers to have them share what they wish someone had given them the heads up on when it comes to sex after having a child. If you are a mom who’s having some challenges in the bedroom, hopefully, this will assure you that others get exactly where you are coming from. If you’re not a mom (yet), my goal is that you can get an idea of some things that could possibly happen — so that you can surround yourself with the support that you need (i.e., a girlfriend, some other new moms, even a counselor, if necessary). That way, you can do what needs to be done to get your sex life back (or right) to where you want it to be…in time.
*Middle names are used in this type of content so that people can speak freely*
1. Bevelynn. 28. Mom of a Six-Month-Old Daughter. First Child.
Giphy“The weirdest thing for me is there are certain positions that can always make me cum that were super uncomfortable throughout most of my pregnancy. So, it felt like I was having sex for my partner instead of with him. Then, after having the baby, my man was so used to hurrying through sex because that’s how I was while pregnant that he felt self-conscious that I was trying to ‘coach him’ through foreplay like he wasn’t a good lover.
"You know how they say that sex, after abstinence, is like riding a bicycle? The hell you say! There was a lot to relearn that it was almost like having sex for the first time again. Pretty much a year of sex being one way and then adjusting to something else will do that to you. We’re still figuring it out.”
2. Embree. 34. Mom to a 11-Month-Old Son. Third Child.
“I never had postpartum depression, thank God. I did go through a long sex lull. I love my babies, Lord knows that I do, but you don’t really get just how much sex creates them until you have them, if that makes sense. Being a mom is fulfilling and draining — any woman who says otherwise isn’t taking her role as seriously as she should. And when you sit and realize that kids can’t exist without sex, you have moments when you’ll avoid having it at all costs because you don’t want to risk what comes from it — another baby. And that’s just the truth.”
3. Gail. 37. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Third Child.
Giphy“Please don’t give your husband a hard time about getting used to your new body and hormonal changes during sex. It might be popular to act like men shouldn’t have a say in giving birth or what comes with it, but science says otherwise, and while they’re supporting you through your changes, they might end up going months without intimacy — no man wants that. The more talks [that] you have about sexual needs and expectations before getting pregnant, the better. Remember that he is a part of all of this, too.”
4. Quincee. 32. Mom to a One-Year-Old Daughter. First Child.
“I was told that I should get a doula before having my daughter, and I should’ve listened because it makes no sense to push out a baby on your back. My friends who had doula assistance learned positions that were way more helpful. Since I didn’t and my daughter, although I love her dearly, has a really big head, I tore pretty badly. The healing process was borderline hell but, more than anything, I had some PTSD about allowing any — and I do mean anything — from going into my vagina.
"I don’t care if it was a penis, a sex toy, or even a tampon, I was traumatized. Get those perineal massages before giving birth, squat during labor, and get a man who loves oral sex, both ways, so that you both can get through the adjusting. That’s the best advice that I can give on it.”
5. Francis. 30. Mom to a Seven-Month-Old. Second Child.
Giphy“You might need to see a sex therapist after having children. It might sound crazy, but no one talks about how having a baby changes everything about you — every single thing. My husband has always been able to please me, and he’s not small in the least, but after having our first child, my vagina never felt the same. That kept me from feeling the same pleasure, which made me want to have sex less and even resent him for not being able to please me like he used to.
"We tried to figure it out on our own, but that started to affect his self-esteem, and then we weren’t having much sex. My girlfriends had some of the worst advice, so I spoke with a marriage counselor who referred me to a sex therapist who helped me to understand the transitions of motherhood, sexually. It’s one of the best things that happened to our relationship. My best advice is nothing is fully ever the same after a baby — sex, for me, was on top of that list.”
6. Erda. 25. Mom to a Three-Month-Old Son. First Child.
“Being a mom is hard as sh-t — do you hear me? I am terrified of getting pregnant. I don’t mean any time soon; I’m contemplating being done forever because my pregnancy was difficult, and my son thinks that we all should be up all day and all night long. People keep telling me that this will pass, but until it does, whenever I see my husband’s penis, it’s like ‘enemy #1’ in my eyes. We can do some oral action; I’ve always been about that. But if he wants to put that thing in me, I always want him to put on three condoms — I’m NOT playing.”
Shellie here: As a doula, I’ll be checking back on her in six more months or so. Something tells me that this will have a bit more balance in the narrative. Those first few months can be a mutha, indeed.
7. Laurelle. 39. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Fourth Child.
Giphy“Even after having four kids, I never got used to my breasts being available to everyone. Mine, then my husband and mine, and then, for a season, my kids — and then sometimes everyone’s. Our two first children were less than two years apart, so I swear that my husband didn’t get to touch my breasts for like three years straight…and he’s a breast man! I don’t think anyone can fully prepare you for how to be a momand a sexual being at the same time. It’s one of the hardest things about motherhood to date.”
8. Iris. 30. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Second Child.
“Your erogenous zones might change. Mine did. I used to not be a breast person, but I started having orgasms while breastfeeding, which kind of creeped me out but then it made me want my breast played with more than ever during sex with my man. The other thing is my thighs got pulled on a lot during labor, and so, I’m kind of jumpy when my fiancé reaches out for them now — and he’s a thigh man. Having a child isn’t just a miracle because of the baby. Being able to figure out a new normal in the bedroom is a miracle, too, sis.”
Shellie here: If you can relate to what Iris just said about climaxing while breastfeeding, there is no reason to feel embarrassed or guilty.Breastfeeding tends to produce some of the same hormones that come from sexual stimulation — for instance, remember that oxytocin is a bonding chemical.It’s for this same reason that you might produce extra milk when you orgasm after having sex with your partner. It’s natural. It also tends not to last forever. It will usually pass.
9. Hope. 32. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Second Child.
Giphy“The talk about the whole ‘Madonna-Whore’ thing that men may go through — you know, how once you become their wife or mother of their child, they have a hard time seeing you as a sexual being. Some of us go through that, too. I don’t have hang-ups about sex. I’m just not as nasty as I used to be. My body is used for so many different things now, and the fluids get all mixed in together — I dunno. Sometimes, when I’m about to show my porn side, I’m like, ‘Hold up — is this appropriate? I’m a mother now. It’s so complex, honey.”
10. Tateyana. 27. Mom to a Nine-Month-Old. First Child.
“I was told to get a co-sleeper and keep our baby out of our bed. I didn’t listen. I wish I had because now our bedroom is more like a nursery/daycare and it’s harder than ever to keep our son out of our bed — emotionally. My husband is patient; sometimes, he’s the one who wants our son to stay in the bed but we know that sex is an important part of marriage and we certainly didn’t sign up to be co-parents who are roommates. When they say that the bedroom is for sex and sleep only, the sleep part really shouldn’t be your children. They’ve got a room. They’ll be fine in there. We’re trying to wean him off now, so I’m preaching to the choir here. Sex after babies…it’s just so much.”
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Sex after babies…it’s just so much. As you can see, sex, post-delivery can be layered, complex, and sometimes challenging. Still, if you have a partner who is understanding, if you’re patient with yourself throughout your transitions, and if you get that healthy intimacy has a mental, emotional, and spiritual component that can get you through all of the physical “growing pains” that you may be experiencing — sex after having a child can become richer, closer and even better with time.
After all, a new normal? Sometimes, it exceeds what you’ve been accustomed to.
And isn’t that something to look forward to when it comes to post-delivery intimacy? Definitely.
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Featured image by Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images