Aight. Today, I'm going to tackle a topic that, while it may not be discussed a lot, it definitely needs to be. I say that because, when it comes to a lot of the couples that I work with, it never fails that sex is a leading challenge. And when it comes to what the issues are concerning sex, there are plenty — and I mean, PLENTY — of times when someone (usually the husband, I'm just gonna be real) will say that their partner is moody as hell in the bedroom. Hmph. And just what is that supposed to mean?
While there are layers of answers to that question, in this case, I think a surface-level definition of moody will more than suffice. To be moody is to be someone who lacks consistency to the point where your feelings and behaviors can literally switch up without any heads up — shoot, sometimes without any clear cause (like hormonal shifts or stress) either. And here's the thing about that — whether a lot of us choose to accept it or not, we can control our emotions (especially how we express them) so much more than we tend to do.
In walks sexual mood swings. One minute you're down for whatever. The next minute, you're irritated AF at the mere thought of your partner even touching you. And again, while there could be some physical reasons behind why this is the case (and I will touch on a couple of those here), what I also want to explore today are things that are more about mere attitudes and expectations — things that we can get a hold on very quickly…if we would simply choose to.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you know that you are quite the roller coaster ride — and not in a good way — when it comes to copulation, here are some reasons why that could be the case. Because once you get to the root of why you're feeling the way that you do, it can be so much easier to bring things back into balance. Including in the bedroom.
Do You Have Unrealistic Sexual Expectations?
Again, since I counsel married couples, sex tends to come up quite a bit (that's a part of the reason why I write so much about sex too; on some levels, it's an occupational hazard). And when one or both spouses tell me that "meh" is basically how they would describe how things are sexually going for them, I will sometimes say what I don't think is said enough — just like people can have super unrealistic expectations when it comes to their relationship overall, the same thing can be applied to their sex life.
And just how can you be "sexually unrealistic"? If you require hours of sex every time. If you're damn near demanding multiple orgasms — or shoot, even one or two — every single encounter. If you want your current partner to be like a former one (check out "You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?"). If the sex needs to seem like some outtake from your favorite movie or song every time you do it…these are all examples of not taking a practical approach to coitus.
Don't get me wrong, you deserve for sex to be consistently pleasurable. I'm just saying that sometimes that means learning how to just relax and embrace the closeness and intimacy of being with your partner rather than always expecting Independence Day level fireworks. If you're someone who believes otherwise, this could be the reason why you are sexually moody as all get out. Whew, chill out a bit.
Do You Rely Too Much on "Making Love"?
I've shared, multiple times before, that I'm not a huge fan of the phrase "make love". Personally, I believe that when two people are committed to one another and then they come together physically, they are celebrating the love that already exists; they aren't making love happen. Chile, believe you me — if you're out here looking for sex to make love evolve, you are definitely setting yourself up to be on an emotional roller coaster ride.
Hmph. It makes me think of something that Tank once said in an interview (I would link it, but it was a bit…much). He stated that he can barely know a woman, have sex with her and make her feel like he's been in love with her for years. He's not the only person who thinks way and it really is a cautionary tale; it's a reminder that the physical act of sex can be bomb yet that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that a solid and reliable emotional connection has been established.
This is why it is oh so very important that you are clear on your own motives for having sex with someone, that you articulate them with your partner beforehand and that you're honest with them and yourself about what you desire beyond the act up the pike. Otherwise, you could find yourself feeling confused, becoming disillusioned or needing to read "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" over and over again. And all of these options are a lot on the emotional tip.
Do You Know Exactly When You’re Ovulating?
Since I've been doing this "no sex thing" for a while now, it's not uncommon that I'll be asked for some "abstinence hacks". One of my top ones is to put a period tracker on your phone. The reason why is so you'll know when you're ovulating. And just why is that relevant? Well, that's the time of the month when you are the most likely to get pregnant and, as nature would have it, that's usually when we are the horniest too. So, if there's a part of you that is always wondering why, oh, about two weeks since your last period, all you can think about is getting some, the fact that you are dropping an egg probably plays a really big role in that. Shoot, even the women I know who kinda have the "I can take it or leave it" attitude about sex will turn around and turn into a real maneater when they're ovulating. And it makes totally sense why that would be the case.
When’s the Last Time You Got Your Hormone Levels Checked?
Listen, I don't care how old you are (because some people only attribute this point to PMS, pregnancy or menopause), it can never hurt to get your hormone levels checked, at least on a biannual basis. There are a billion reasons why this can prove to be so beneficial for you; however, as it relates to this particular point, if your hormones are all over the place, this could explain why you are pretty unpredictable as far as sex is concerned. For instance, if you happen to have an elevated level of testosterone, your libido may be higher. On the other hand, if your estrogen levels aren't where they are supposed to be, you could end up with erratic mood swings, jacked up sleep patterns and less interest in coitus.
At the end of the day, no one is really moody, "just because". More times than not, it's a sign that something is off kilter on a mental, emotional or physical level. Getting your hormones checked on a fairly consistent basis can help you to stay balanced on the physical tip. It can help to ward off sexual mood swings too.
Do You Rely on Sex to “Make It All Better”?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good". You know, a part of the reason why I discourage people from having sex too soon is because it can cloud your judgment in the sense that it can cultivate a bond with someone (which is what oxytocin is designed to do) without really getting to know if the two of you are a good fit outside of sexual activity. And so, as you get closer to one another, you could find yourself in the cul-de-sac of always having sex to fix your problems or communicate without drama, all the while avoiding the reality that the relationship may not be the best fit for you.
I've seen a lot of people — too many, in fact — stay in some pretty toxic situations because, instead of getting some therapy, they will jump (back) into the sheets, believing that good sex will make everything all better. Now, am I saying that make-up sex is a bad thing? No. What I am saying is sex is best applied when you've resolved a matter and then engage instead of always running from a problem and then using sex as a distraction. Bottom line, if make-up sex is the only remedy that seems to work for you and yours, your sexual mood swings make a lot of sense because, if you're really honest with yourself, things only fully "feel good" when sex is transpiring. This means that when sex isn't going down, there's no telling when bullshishery is going to hit the fan.
Is Sex Usually ALL About You?
When it comes to sexual mood swings, some of the most unpredictable people are those who are selfish lovers — and yes, those totally do exist. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in sessions with couples where wives expect to receive oral sex yet the thought of giving it is "gross" or husbands think that being married means that sex should happen whenever they feel like it, regardless on if their partner is truly in the mood or not. The reality is the couples who have the most productive and fulfilling sex lives are the ones where each partner gets off the most from pleasuring the person they are with; this results in both people feeling desirable, a priority and totally open to sexual satisfaction.
If you're not this kind of person, sex is going to be up-and-down for you because no one wants to be with someone who is solely focused on what they can receive over what they are willing to give (do). Make sense?
Are You Naturally Moody, Anyway?
The older I get, something that I like more and more is consistency. As a result, what I desire to have less around me is moodiness. Moody folks can be draining AF because you never really know who — or shoot, even what — you are dealing with at any given time. And what's really a trip is some folks are so used to being in a state of internal chaos that they don't mind being emotionally all over the place and wreaking havoc on others.
It makes me think of a husband I know who's been married to his wife for a couple of decades now yet seriously considers ending their marriage, at least a couple of times a year. His main reason why? "Dealing with her is the ultimate gaslight because if I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm having to play a guessing game of what she's feeling and thinking. Sometimes, on an hourly basis," is what he says. His wife? She takes on the "Well, you signed up for being with me, so deal with it." Yeah, that's a pretty jacked up way to look at it.
There's no way that you can be a "naturally moody individual" and it not affect your sex life on some level. Whether it's hormones, substance abuse, internalizing issues, taking on an entitled attitude (I promise you that I'm gonna circle around to doing an article on entitlement one of these days) or just not exhibiting self-control, it really doesn't serve you well to "just be moody" all of the time. Set up an appointment with your physician and/or a reputable therapist/counselor/life coach, so that you can get your life back on track. You'll be all the better for it. So will your relationship and your sex life. Promise you that.
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When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
In 2004, following their split, limited details about why Usher and Chilli broke up were released to the public. But as the years progressed, social media users developed their own assumptions because, coincidently, around the time Usher and Chilli went their separate ways, he had released his hit album Confessions, and the lead single with the same name talks about a man admitting to possibly fathering a child outside of his relationship.
Due to conflicting reports from past interviews and Usher's song, many believed that infidelity on the "Yeah" singer's part could have led to the demise of his union with Chilli. In a recent interview with People magazine, Chilli --who is currently dating actor Matthew Lawrence-- opened up about her ex, how their relationship didn't necessarily end in 2004 despite it being announced to the public, and why she officially severed ties with him in 2019.
Chilli (L) and Usher (R)
Photo by KMazur/WireImage
Chilli On Her Past Relationship With Usher
During the discussion that took place earlier this month, the 52-year-old revealed that she and Usher were initially attracted to each other because of their intense chemistry.
But over the years, as their union evolved, Chilli realized that the pair was "different" and that the initial chemistry they once shared only occurred when they were working.
"We definitely had some chemistry. But working chemistry does not mean it works in your personal life. If we were working, it was great. But outside of that, we're so different," she said.
Chilli would add that even though her relationship with Usher looked great to the public, it didn't work the first time around because the "Burn" vocalist failed to meet certain requirements.
"It looked great, but in real life ... he knew he had to be a certain way with me, and he couldn't," she continued.
Chilli also disclosed that Usher's album Confessions wasn't about her and that their split in 2004 was due to opposing values and trust issues.
Still, Usher and Chilli would rekindle their union privately on and off for years when they weren't exclusively seeing other people. The "Unpretty" songstress explained the reason behind it was because they couldn't "get over" each other.
"I love hard. I was like, 'God, why can't I get over this?' He couldn't either," she stated.
Chilli On Why She Cut Contact With Usher In 2019
But all that would change in 2019 when Chilli, guided by her faith, cut off all contact with Usher because she wanted to "focus on" herself.
In addition to no longer speaking to the "Glu" singer, the mother of one decided not to date temporarily because she didn't want her past relationship with Usher to ruin her chances with a potential suitor.
"I even stopped dating. Because before that I thought if I met the right guy during that time that I wasn't over [Usher] it wouldn't work. I would never want to straddle the fence, " she said.
Toward the end of the conversation, Chilli shares that she had "no hard feelings" against Usher, who is now with Jenn Goicoechea, a senior vice president of A&R and Epic Records.
Chilli's recent admission about Usher and having to cut ties with an ex to find her significant other could motivate others to follow the same steps or at least re-evaluate the situation.
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