You know, out of all of the stuff that I have tackled on this here platform over the years, I don’t think I’ve ever addressed sexting head-on. Hmph. You can thank a female client of mine who was talking to me about how much she likes to do it (with multiple people, no less), along with a Psychology Today article, which stated that sexting reveals all kinds of things about couples, as to why I decided to address this topic today. Hell, I’ve even included a way for you to be able to sext with (mental and emotional) ease…if sexting is indeed your thing.
Me? I’m not big on too much of anything sexually being documented — so nah, the little bit of sexting I’ve ever done was before technology is what it is today, and it was definitely in code. As a writer, though, I can get the allure of it all…to a certain extent. After all, it’s simply talking about sex in text form, and hell, I write and talk about sex all of the time.
Anyway, because some of my reading and research revealed that sexting hella popular, among people of all ages, I decided to share a few things that I’ve learned about this mode of sexual stimuli, along with a few hacks that can put your mind at ease if you are sharing your most intimate thoughts — and possibly parts — with other people.
Why Do People Like to Sext So Much?
GiphyListen, a hill that I will forever die on is to be in your late teens or 20s (especially if you were in college) during the 90s and be Black? It was totally unmatched. The music, the television programming, the culture overall. And perhaps another reason why life was so sublime is the fact that, although technology was progressive AF, the internet and cell phones weren’t readily available (yet). This meant that communication was on landlines which forced you to want to do whatever you could to communicate in person (because let’s face it: cell phones make things more convenient because you can virtually talk to anyone from anywhere at any time; landlines keep you stuck in one spot).
Oh, but once cell phones became easier to get a hold of and the technology of them super evolved, here came texting. From what I’ve read and (briefly) researched, although texting was invented in the mid-1980s and the first official text was sent in December of 1992, we didn’t all start using it as a preferred form of communication until 1999-early 2000s. And ever since then? Reportedly, 75 percent of millennials and Gen Z folks prefer to text over talking on the phone, we all receive texts five times more than phone calls each day and, believe it or not, those between 35-44 happen to send the most texts on a daily basis, with the number of ‘em being around 52 (goodness!).
And so, since texting is such a popular mode of communication, wouldn’t it make sense that some people would enjoy using it to flirt, titillate and arouse their partner? Of course, it would — and many people do. In fact, one study from several years back stated that almost 90 percent of individuals who participated in it admitted to sexting at some point in their life; almost 83 percent had done it within the year of the conducted study alone. Another set of stats that I checked out stated that almost 74 percent of individuals admitted to sexting when they were in a relationship; 43 percent said that they did even when the situation was casual.
And just why do people like to sext so much? Well, at least when it comes to women, another far more recent study revealed that there is actually some science behind it all. Long story short, whenever women read racy content, it activates the prefrontal and temporal parts of the brain which is the part of the mind that helps them to process their emotions. Some researchers say that this could be why many women enjoy things like romance novels — and since sexting is its own form of literature (technically speaking)…well, there you go.
Okay, but even beyond the (perhaps totally subconscious) motive for sexting, are there benefits that come with doing it? Yep. A few of ‘em.
What Are Some of the Benefits of Sexting?
GiphySo…when you’re sexting, what you’re basically doing is intentionally sending sexually suggestive (or even outright direct) messages and/or images via your cell phone. And yes, when this happens between two people who trust each other, it can indeed be beneficial.
Sexting has the ability to:
- Boost your level of sexual self-confidence
- Make you (more) comfortable sharing your sexual fantasies and desires
- Cultivate sexual anticipation
- Help you to become a better sex-related communicator
- Cause you to feel more appreciative of and appreciated by your partner
Something else that sexting has the ability to do is create an atmosphere and platform to seduce your partner. That’s because, since your brain is the biggest sex organ that you have and seduction is all about saying and doing things that will make you more appealing and/or sexually desirable, by arousing someone’s mind, when it comes to engaging in sexual intimacy, you are just about halfway there. Yes, sexting is a tool of seduction.
6 Tips for Sexting Safely
GiphyOkay, so what if sexting is something that you want to do (or do more often) yet you’re a bit hesitant because it’s such a vulnerable thing to partake in (and indeed it is). If that is where you are, I’ve got a few tips.
1. Read the room (well, phone). A few years ago, a site called IFL Science published an article entitled, “76 Percent Of Adolescent Girls Have Received Unsolicited Dick Pics, Study Finds.” UGH. It actually reminds me of a conversation that a friend of mine and I had recently about how many celebrity penises we’ve seen, that we didn’t ask for, yet we kind of had no choice, because so much social media content is filled with pornography these days. SMDH. Anyway, this brings me to the the first rule of sexting which is NEVER ASSUME THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO DO IT — and yes, I am yelling that! Pay attention to their personality, their personal preferences and standards and where you are in the relationship before doing so. And even beyond that, apply the next point for extra safe measure.
2. Get consent. Although spontaneity can be sexy, when it specifically comes to sexting, please get consent. Even with guys, it shouldn’t be automatically assumed that they want to engage or that they are down for whatever kind of sexting that you are interested in. Yeah, before starting a sexting relationship, definitely ask if the individual is interested…and willing. It makes things easier on everyone.
3. Use a sexting privacy app. If it’s been mutually cleared to start sexting…while you could go ham on your phones, my two cents would be to download an app that is specifically designed for sexting; ones that have encryption features and go above and beyond to ensure your privacy. Mashable has a list of some of the best ones that are currently on the market. You can read about them here.
4. Mutually agree to not share sexts with other people. In a minute, I’m going to get to why this article has the title that it does. For now, though, it can’t be said enough that, before you begin sexting with someone, you both must agree that NOTHING that is exchanged between the two of you will be shared with other individuals. Not your BFF. Not some co-worker who doesn’t know your partner (and so you try to rationalize sharing it). Nobody. And definitely don’t do it by sending it to other phones, social media accounts or email addresses. A wise man once said that it is no longer a secret once more than one person knows. Words to live by.
5. Progress (semi) slowly. Listen, even if it does get to the point that y’all are gonna be in the space of, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” — try and let that be a natural progression. Deciding to sext and then starting out with a full-on nude message could be a bit jarring for one or the other or it could be done prematurely before knowing if someone is “worthy” of all of that intel.
6. Go with your gut. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been sexting with someone, if you get to the point where you want to take a break or you no longer want to engage in that way at all, please don’t talk yourself out of that feeling — go with your gut (check out “When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't”) because, no matter how popular sexting may be these days, it’s still a pretty intimate activity that shouldn’t be taken too lightly. Sis, you have every right to stop if/when you no longer feel comfortable or you simply don’t enjoy doing it anymore.
Wanna Add an Extra Measure of Protection? Add an NDA.
GiphyAight, so now we’re at the portion of the program where the title of the article will make more sense. Did you know that if you want to bring a non-disclosure agreement into your sexting, you absolutely can do so?
So, there is an app out here called e.gree and what it does is give you the capability to create certain legally-binding contracts online — ones like business referrals, venue entry agreements, purchase and sales, bets between friends, allowance agreements with children (wild, right?) and yes, when it comes to relationships: move-in agreements and dating boundaries including when it comes to sexting (you can check out this particular online contract here). Via the app, you can customize the contract, you and your partner can sign it electronically and yes, it will hold up in court (each contract has a specified term in the sense of timeframe too, by the way…in case you were wondering).
And what if you’re somewhere thinking, “Okay, but if I need to have a contract with someone in order to sext with them, isn’t that a sign not to do it?”. Eh. People vow to each other and God that they will never leave one another and then turn around and get divorced, right? And many of them regret not having a prenup in place. Point is, life happens sometimes. Contracts help to protect you when it does. So yeah, I actually think it’s a pretty wise move to incorporate an NDA into sexting. Better to be safe than super-duper sorry.
Which reminds me to mention one more thing. If you do happen to sext with someone, you don’t have an NDA in place, and they start to threaten to expose you via your messages, consider visiting StopNCII.org. The letters stand for Stop Non-Consensual Intimate Image Abuse and it’s all about helping you to create a case to end the harassment. You can check it out here.
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Now excuse me while I alert my semi-sext obsessed client, so that she can get these NDAs out stat (whew, chile). LOL.
An ounce of prevention…y’all know the rest.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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