If there is one thing that 2020 and 2020 2.0 (which is what I call 2021) taught us, it's how important it is to prioritize our mental health and well-being. Yet in the midst of all of the drama that just refuses to let up around here, I totally get if that can be hard to do. That's why I've got a few hacks; ones that I hope will help to relax you, to center you, to not let this crazy world get you so caught up and frazzled that you're not able to focus on your priorities, your needs, your peace.
If it feels like you've been on edge lately and, no matter what you do, you can't seem to get a grip, here are eight things that can help to bring you back to the middle.
1. Create Something
In the Bible, the first thing that God is introduced as is being our Creator. Since the Good Book says that we are made in his image and likeness (Genesis 1), I am a firm believer that we all have the ability to create something — to make something that came out of our own thoughts or imagination. It might be a piece of jewelry. A photograph. An article. Some art. A DIY project. The list is endless yet when you are intentional about creating something unique and new, it affirms the power and ability that you have within your own being and how can that not be the ultimate kind of mental health boost?
2. Talk to a Positive Person
Lawd. There is so much negativity out in these streets that I think we should take out a moment to discuss some of the telling signs of what a positive person looks and lives like. Positive people tend to look for the good in all situations. Positive people like to laugh and have a good time. Positive people are self-aware and mindful. Positive people are supportive and encouraging of others. Positive people choose to let things go. Positive people don't wallow in negative feelings. Positive people are proactive about making wise and healthy choices. Positive people are solutions-oriented. Positive people surround themselves around other positive people.
Some days are gonna be better than others. Don't beat yourself up about that. However, instead of hopping on social media or calling that one relative who finds a way to see the bad in everything, connect with a positive person instead. I've got a friend who is always seeing life from a glass-half-full perspective. It's kind of hard to stay feeling "blue" when she sees things in "yellow"…if you know what I mean.
3. Buy Yourself a Plant or Some Flowers
Did you know that there are science-based reasons why having a plant in your house is a really good idea? Thanks to the organic compounds known as phytoncides, plants can help to reduce your stress levels which can ultimately boost your immune system. Since plant life also has a way of calming us down, they can actually boost your productivity levels if you have one at your desk or home office. And, because plants require some level of care, they are a way to help you to become more nurturing and compassionate to others as well. So yeah, if you're looking for a bit of a mental pick-me-up, a plant can be just the thing to help you do it.
While we're on this topic, something else that you can do is purchase a bouquet of flowers (check out "Love Fresh Flowers? Here Are Tips To Make Them Last Longer"). The combination of the colors and scent, along with making a proactive decision to do something to make you feel better is also a great way to give yourself the mental boost that you need.
4. Take a Nap
Something that my friends know about me is I talk about taking a nap like I am about to have sex with a 6'5" Godiva-coated king. I'm not joking. I think a big part of it is because, when I'm not counseling couples, I'm usually on my laptop writing about stuff like this which is a blessing (because I am doing what I want to do for a living, from the comfort and convenience of my house) and yet can also be a little draining too. And so, when my mind tells me that it wants a break, I give it just that. And because naps give me more energy and helps me to feel refreshed, I am all about encouraging other folks to take one too.
If you're doing it strictly for the sake of your mental health — you know, in order to get through the rest of your day — there are a few things to keep in mind. For starters, a nap that lasts longer than 30 minutes can put you into a deep sleep that could cause you to wake up feeling groggier and/or throw off your sleep schedule at night. That's why you should set an alarm to go off at around 20 minutes, you should try and take a nap in the early afternoon, and you should do it in silence or with some ASMR nature sounds; that way, your brain can truly get some rest (without your mind working overtime, even in your sleep), so that you can feel significantly better once you awaken.
5. Have a Yogurt Smoothie, Salmon Salad, Some Guacamole or a Piece of Dark Chocolate
Having a little snack is something else that you can do to mentally get through the rest of your day. A yogurt-based smoothie is good because the potassium and magnesium can help to increase oxygen to your brain which can make you feel more alert. A salmon salad is bomb because salmon is high in omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin D, both of which are proven to reduce depression-related symptoms, sharpen your memory and improve your mood. I will make some fresh guacamole in a heartbeat — good thing too because the Vitamin K and folate that are in avocados can help to improve one's memory and concentration while the carotenoid lutein is great at strengthening brain function. Or how about a couple of pieces of dark chocolate? So long as it's 60 percent dark cocoa or more, you'll be taking in the antioxidants known as flavonoids which are awesome at keeping you alert and putting you into a better mood.
6. Turn Your Phone Off
Sometimes, what has us stressed out more than anything is the fact that either folks are constantly able to get a hold of us or we're overwhelmed by all of the info that we're consuming online. The device that typically makes this possible is our phone. While I know it might seem like you can't live without your smartphone, a lot of us are old enough to remember what it was like to only have landlines and I promise you that we survived — thrived even. Unless you are a parent, there is no need to feel hesitant about turning off your phone from time to time. Even if you are, at least silence those notifications for a few hours a day.
The sense of urgency that phones provide is an illusion. Folks can text or leave a message after the beep and whatever your social media accounts are talking about, you can pick up where you left off whenever you log back on. (For more reasons to take this tip to heart, check out "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.")
7. Write Someone a Thank-You Note
If there is one thing that the absolute cyclic-ness of this pandemic has taught me (Lawd, did folks learn anything last year?!), it's how selfish and unteachable human nature can be (especially in the United States). If you're not careful, it can get you either super caught up or really jaded. One way to avoid this is to focus on the things that you should be grateful for. One way to do that is to handwrite a thank-you note to someone. It can be a friend, a co-worker, someone who works at a favorite store — even your partner or child. By making the time to tell another person what you truly appreciate about them, it can remind you about the good things that still exist in this world while helping you to not be so self-consumed. Besides, the response that you get from that person will be sure to put a smile on your face. It's a "win" all the way around.
8. Toast Yourself
I am BIG on toasting myself. I will straight-up go to the store, get myself some bubbly (sometimes alcoholic, sometimes not), fill up a champagne flute, think of something that I am proud of (even if it's as simple as not cussing somebody out who really needed it or paying a bill ahead of time) and "drink" to it. Y'all, sometimes, we're so consumed by all of the ways that we can improve that we don't take a minute to celebrate how far we've come — even if it's in tiny increments. When it comes to mental health hacks that can immediately do you some good, I'm signing off here because ending the day with a toast to yourself can do wonders. I've been doing it for years and it always makes me feel really good. About myself. Which is always a mental health boost. Cheers!
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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