There are two T-shirts that I wear that automatically let me know if I'm speaking to a 20-something or not. One is a shirt that has Dylan McKay on it (an original Beverly Hills, 90210 role that was played by the late Luke Perry). Another is a shirt that says, "I'm Just a Whitley in Search of My Dwayne". Whenever I'm sportin' either of those, it's pretty common for folks under 32 or so to ask me what my shirts mean. Wow. How time flies.
I thought about my second shirt when I sat down to do my Wednesday night ritual recently; one that consists of watching Queen Sugar. My props to you, Cree Summer (who used to play Freddie Brooks on A Different World, alongside "Dwayne" and "Whitley"). I'm aware of your quirky hippie role on a 90s sitcom, your comedic parts in other shows, and your voice-over resume (which is so impressive that one video takes a entire hour just to get through it all!); however, I don't recall seeing you in something that showcases your acting chops via the more dramatic side. But listen, as Nova's former professor (and lover) Octavia Laurent, you (clap) did (clap, clap) that.
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Maybe it's due to my past pattern of not realizing that I have an opportunist in my path, oftentimes until it's too late, but I could sniff your agenda from the very moment you stood up to ask Nova a question at one of her tour stops. You had "get something from you" energy all over your tailored suit. But clearly, there was something in Nova that felt like you were the one who got away (at least on some level), so she took you with her on some of her other tour dates. Sometimes our nostalgia—especially emotionally and sexually—will have us longing for something and/or someone that we really should leave as a past memory. I think that's why I think I surprised my own self when I heard a loud "HMPH" come up from my belly when Nova finally said in your last scene together, "This is a sad day. I suspected but now I know. I've outgrown you." Whew.
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Outgrowing someone you love, or at least once loved. That is such a heavy and complex topic that I'll have to circle back around to it another time (trust me, I will, though). But for now, when those words, that declaration, came out of Nova's mouth like the brightest light bulb moment, my mind went to the man who used to hold that title in my own world.
I'll be the first to admit that if there is one thing that I used to have a real knack for, it was picking fruit before it was ripe—you know, choosing the right man at the wrong time. Is that even possible? Oh, trust me…it is.
Sometimes someone can have all of the right qualities, but they need more time alone to mature and evolve. It is literally like eating a watermelon or a peach before it ripens; it has everything within it to be very good; it's just not fully ready…yet.
And when it came to "him", when he told me that he loved me, desired me and couldn't really see past me when it came to what he needed to do for his future (which was a part of the problem, to tell you the truth), and so he had to let me go, at least for now, because I couldn't think of one thing about him that I didn't want in a man, lover or spouse, he earned the title that so many of us have given to at least one guy—the one who got away.
Hmph. He actually held that title for about 15 years too.
That is until I got the nerve to look him up and give him a call. To this day, he's got one of the most impacting and masculine voices that I ever heard (lawd). After an eight-hour-straight convo, while I still totally understood just how and why he earned the "got away" position in my life, as he started to share with me what the past several years had been like for him, we didn't really seem to complement each other as much as we used to. His spiritual views couldn't be more different than my own. His perspective on relationships was a bit Twilight Zone-ish for me. While once upon a time, we would talk about our goals, dreams and even values without any hesitation or reservation, I found myself thinking, "Don't even get into it" in direct response to some of the things that he said. Don't get me wrong now, I'm pretty sure that the sex would've been better than ever (le sigh), but beyond the memories and the dormant passion, I'm not sure what else we would have…now.
Once we reconnected, we stayed in touch for a couple of months or so. He was just that fine, a part of my heart missed him just that much and the walks down memory lane were so sentimental that I think when it came to the phrase "the one who got away", I was so focused on "the one" that I didn't give as much credence to "away". In the midst of all of my romanticizing, I had to accept the reality that the time apart gave us both the space to become, who we were now. What catching up did was reveal to us both that while there would probably always been an uncanny connection and a bona fide chemistry, we didn't complement one another anymore.
He didn't "get away". He was simply gone. Because he needed to be. Even all those years ago.
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That last part? That is why I'm sharing all of this with you. Because I know that at least 70 percent of the women reading this article have given some man the "you're the one who got away" title and position in their own life, and because I know that doing that can prevent you from fully giving your all to someone else, if you feel like there is some man who got away, ask yourself why is that. Is it based on some solid evidence that you have in your present life or a handful of memories from your past?
And if you believe it so wholeheartedly that, even you have to admit that you are a little emotionally stunted, maybe you should do what I did and look him up. If he's married or not interested, he's not the one who got away; he's the who needed to be let go. If he's interested in reconnecting, he won't be casual about it; if he clearly communicates that the last time he lost you, he'll make sure that he won't let that happen again. In fact, if that's the case, you probably would've heard from him first (some of y'all will catch that later).
But more than anything, be open to the possibility that the one who got away, got away because both of you needed him to. You didn't let him escape so much as the Universe removed him from your path because, had he remained, you wouldn't be quite the woman you are now and he wouldn't be quite the man he is now—both of you, being what you need to be, for someone else.
My friend, what life is revealing to me, more and more, with every passing day, is what is meant for us is presented to us. The love of our life is not exempt from this fact. Love doesn't "get away". At the right place and time, it comes boldly, clearly and eternally towards us, determined to never let us get away from it.
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So, as someone who used to use the title, I get why you would too. Yet I hope my own experience will cause you to rethink still putting that kind of energy into the atmosphere. When it comes to the true "love of your life" and "meant to be", unless he comes and you push him away (which is also another message for another time), "the one" and "got away" don't exactly go together. The one doesn't do that. Love—and both of your life paths—won't let him.
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Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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