Opinions are like…y’all know what they are like. LOL. I thought about that when I was reading up on the importance of goal-setting, and I happened upon several articles that said setting goals is completely overrated.
I mean, I’ve got a — you know what I’ve got — which means that I have an opinion too, and mine is that goals are absolutely necessary if you want to accomplish certain things in life. Goals give you something to look forward to. Goals help to keep you centered and focused. Goals instill confidence because, as you set and reach them, that gives you the motivation and strength to set even more…bigger ones, at that. So yeah, I’m always gonna be a fan of establishing short as well as long-term goals.
That said, I do think that there’s a key to reaching one’s goals that gets overlooked far too often: not allowing them to overwhelm you — because being overwhelmed is hella counterproductive when it comes to getting things done in this thing that we all call “life.”
So, if you’ve got some goals in mind, on paper or in your phone and either the mere thought of them or the process of executing them has you all irritable, stressed, exhausted, unable to focus, negative or just plain ole’ paralyzed (you know, mentally or emotionally), I want to share with you some things that could help to remove those emotions. That way, you won’t just reach your goals, you’ll actually enjoy the process of doing so.
Put a Mission Statement on Your Goals
GiphySomething that can totally blindside you while you’re in the process of reaching your goals is being so caught up in the work that comes with manifesting them that you forget (at least momentarily) why you are doing so much in the first place.
Take a (current) client that I have. When I tell you that almost every time we speak, they’ve got a new set of goals that they want to achieve — and because of this, they rarely get anything done. SMDH. A big part of the reason why is because they refuse to put together a mission statement that will help to keep them focused and committed; not only that but a mission statement can help them to come up with plans and ideas that are logical instead of emotional — ones that actually cause dots to connect, so that their goals can be properly streamlined.
A mission statement doesn’t have to be long. A solid paragraph of 3-5 sentences will do. At the end of the day, it’s simply a summary of why you set the goals that you did and what you hope to achieve with them. Post ‘em somewhere that will keep you inspired until they are achieved. This one hack alone is a total game-changer. Promise you that.
Set Goals for Yourself. Not to Keep Up with Other People.
GiphyOne more thing about a particular client of mine (and then I’m gonna get up off of their neck — LOL) — one reason why they switch up their goals so much is because they are constantly looking around at what other people are doing (or not doing). For instance, if there is something that they want to do professionally yet it will take a bit more time than some of their friends who are already financially where they want to be, they will talk themselves out of that goal in order to try and find a way to make money quicker. Ugh.
Author Betty Jamie Chung once said, “Comparison with myself brings improvement, comparison with others brings discontent.” Author Bangambiki Habyarimana once said, “You are not required to perform like them, you are required to perform like you.” And author Eleanor Brown once said, “Stop thinking you’re doing it all wrong. Your path doesn’t look like anybody else’s because it can’t, it shouldn’t, and it won’t.” All of these things are very true.
When it comes to this particular topic, one of my favorite Scriptures is “He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.” (Psalm 33:15 — AMPC) And, to this, I will add one of my favorite quotes of all-time: “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name of Larry Dixon is credited for saying that.)
Y’all, that client of mine is wasting a ton of time and insulting their own individuality by constantly comparing themselves to other people. Their goals, your goals, my goals — all of them are individual ones that have their own lane, purpose and timing. Please don’t spend — or is it waste? — a ton of moments paying attention to what others are doing. You can’t fully concentrate on your own self and your own life that way.
Have Weekly, Bi-Weekly, Monthly and Seasonal Goals
GiphySometimes goals are hella overwhelming because you will state a huge one to the world and then…that’s it. For instance, if you want to leave your job and start your own business within a year, that can seem semi-daunting unless you have smaller goals that can help you to reach your biggest one. And that’s why it’s always a good idea to come up with weekly, bi-weekly, monthly and seasonal (once a season) goals as well.
For this particular hypothetical — for the weekly goals, write down 3-5 things that you can do each week to shift you from your current job to your own business. For bi-weekly goals, 1-2 things. A monthly goal can be one thing (like putting money into your savings or business account) and your seasonal goals should be something that “puts a bow” on your weekly and bi-weekly ones.
Like if your weekly goals were about designing a website and your bi-weekly goals are about meeting with a life coach or someone who can help you to put your business together, your seasonal goals can be making sure that the site is done and that you have enough money saved up if you realize that you need to leave your job before the 12 months are up.
“Breaking up goals” will always make the process of accomplishing big things so much easier on your mind, body and spirit. Try it. I think that you will like it.
Get Yourself Some Accountability
GiphyEven though I am a marriage life coach, ask my clients and they will tell you that I think that the quote, “The excess of a virtue is a vice” even applies to seeing a therapist/counselor/coach. Meaning, even though meeting with a mental health professional is a STELLAR idea (and everyone should do it at some point in their life), if you’re not careful, you can find yourself in a codependent (if not completely dependent) relationship with your therapist/counselor/coach — and because they are making money off of your sessions, many won’t bring this possibility up.
That said, some experts say that when it comes to using professional support for specific issues, 10-20 sessions will probably suffice and, depending how long those are spaced out, that could equate to spending 1-2 years of time with them. As for my clients, some have been with me for years simply because we continue to roll over into new topics or goals to tackle. Either way, I recommend you reading articles like Open Counseling’s “5 Signs It’s Time to End Therapy (Plus a Huge Mistake to Avoid)” and The Atlantic’s “Plenty of People Could Quit Therapy Right Now” just to see if any of what is shared personally resonates.
And if you do sense that it’s time to shift, I personally think that it’s a good idea to schedule some, what I call, “oil change visits” (meaning, see your support every 3-6 months or so). Also, get yourself an accountability partner — because, at the end of the day, that’s a huge part of what a therapist/counselor/coach does for people: hold them accountable.
And yes, in order to stick to your goals, so that you are able to reach them, you need someone who will hold you accountable to what you said that you were going to do. My two cents would be to pick someone who is excited about what you want to do, is completely trustworthy and also an individual who you can hear and receive the good and challenging stuff — both about yourself and what you are doing — from. Also go with someone who is going to celebrate with you once your check-off list is complete…and won’t let up until it is.
A revolutionary by the name of Thomas Paine once said, “A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought not to be trusted by anybody.” You wanna be truly great? Hold yourself accountable and do that, in part, by getting someone to help you to do that — someone who will do it both effectively and well.
Develop Your Strengths More than Your Weaknesses
GiphyMy friendship circle is dope. I mean, really dope. Since a lot of them are creatives, many will say some truly profound things that they think is the basic equivalent of saying “What’s up?” LOL. Take, my friend, Shannon (who can BLOW blow — check him here). Years ago, I heard him speak at the college I once attended (one that DEI is trying to remove my late fiancé’s scholarship for minorities as we speak — whew, that orange man…). Something he said that stood out to me is, “If you spend time developing your weaknesses, you will be mediocre. If you spend time developing your strengths, you will become supernatural.” LISTEN.
A compliment this same friend has given me (and because he’s got GRAMMYs, Emmys and a Dove Award, I am humbled) is he thinks that I can sing. He was actually caught off guard the first time he heard me because I’m pretty much only known for writing (and public speaking). Y’all don’t have enough time for a part of this being that I was never encouraged in my home to develop that talent. Another reason, though, is because singing, for me, is just that — a talent (a skill that takes some work).
Writing, for me, is a gift (an ability given by God that requires very little effort on my part). So, although I maybe could’ve done some background vocal sessions if I had focused on singing more, to get really, REALLY good at it would’ve taken a lot more work than where I’ve landed as a writer and author because my writing gift comes very naturally to me.
My (ultimate) point? When it comes to reaching your goals, gifts, talents and skill sets are going to have to come into play. And while you should definitely discipline your weaknesses (like say, your weakness is marketing), you’d be better off getting someone who is solid in that area to help you out, so that your energy and effort can go into what you know you are naturally strong at. Not only will that keep you motivated, it will make getting through your goals so much easier as well.
Revisit Your Goals Once a Month
GiphyEven though I’ve known it for quite some time, it’s still semi-difficult for me to comprehend that research says that each of us make somewhere around a whopping 35,000 decisions on a daily basis. And if that is indeed the case, since decisions find ways to alter who we are and how our lives play out, you should never just assume that a goal that you set three months ago, you will see the exact same way by this coming weekend.
Moral to the story here — make it a point and practice to revisit your goals on a monthly basis. The reason why is to make sure that you still feel the same way about each goal as you did…when you first set it or even four weeks ago. Not so much so that you will totally change it (a fickle goal is a never accomplished one); it’s more so you will do some editing, so that what you are trying to achieve makes the most sense to you.
Case in point: When I was in the process of writing my latest book, my initial goal was to have it come out in June — just like my first book did 20 years prior. However, because so much about me has evolved since then, it seemed to be a better fit to release it right after the new year that I observe (Rosh Hashanah) and close to the birthdays of two of my favorite men: my father and fiancé who are both gone now. The book still was written and released in 2024…I just tweaked the plan a bit, so that I could feel more at peace about my approach.
Write the goal. Edit as needed. It’s a great hack.
Honor ALL of Your Efforts
GiphyI try to toast myself, especially at the end of every week. I also am a huge fan of celebrating my achievements (big or small; it doesn’t matter). As I’ve gotten older (and hopefully wiser), though, I am really getting into the word “honor”. Honor is about respect, esteem and giving credit where credit is due. And if you have goals that you are genuinely and consistently striving for, you should honor the blood, sweat and tears that you put into them as well as honor yourself — because, unfortunately, many people will never see just how big and rich their life could’ve been if they had simply done the same.
THAT SAID — no, DO NOT WAIT until all of your goals are reached to honor what you’ve accomplished. For every weekly, bi-weekly, monthly and seasonal goal that you have hit, HONOR IT whether it’s by praising what you’ve done in a journal, setting an appointment to pamper yourself (which is a form of rejuvenation) or doing something that you know will give your self-esteem levels an extra boost. Doing this will help to keep you from feeling overwhelmed. It will give you something to look forward to. It will also keep your confidence levels where they need to be.
Remain (Semi) Flexible
GiphyAuthor and life coach Tony Robbins once said, “Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach” — and he’s spot-on. So many relationships end because people are stubborn. So many people self-sabotage plans because they are too rigid. And yes, many goals do not get accomplished because folks are too freakin’ inflexible.
- Got a budget for a goal and an unexpected expense comes up? Push the goal back a month; don’t quit altogether (don’t super procrastinate either).
- Had a big meeting with a potential investor that fell through? Find someone else.
- Got some things that came up that conflict with your goal-setting schedule? Cut down that social media or TV time to get the goals done.
Point is: Learn to bend and adjust because ish happens; that’s just how life is. Oh, but if you master what is probably my favorite Bruce Lee quote, you’d be amazed how little “life shifts” really will rattle you:
“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” (Bruce Lee)
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It’s the Canadian hockey player, Maxime Lagacé who once said, “It’s not the goal that will make you successful. It’s what you do daily.” And indeed, if you do, even just a little bit, goal-wise, on a daily basis — what once seemed really large and maybe even a bit intimidating, it will be closer to being accomplished than you realize.
So…feeling overwhelmed about a goal right now? Congrats. It must be pretty damn amazing.
And now that you know how to reach you…all you’ve got to do is…do that.
One tip — then step — at a time.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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