

I never thought I would be self-employed. I literally planned out my life at 9 to live in New York, finance that lifestyle with a regular-smegular job, and live on fabulously. I really didn't see self-employment modeled in my everyday life, as most of the women who raised me worked for private companies, government entities, corporations, or the military.
It wasn't until college that I'd see self-employment modeled among women, especially the mothers of my friends who were first-generation Caribbean or African. All of their moms were highly educated and held down 9-to-5s but always had some sort of side hustle. Fast-forward to my first major publishing gig, working for a magazine that highlights all that is excellent about Black entrepreneurship, and I finally got bit by the bug. I decided to try consulting as a side hustle.
One day I woke up, ready to go to work after being given a raise and a title promotion, and a voice (God, duh!) said, "Janell, you need to quit. Go off on your own. It's now or never." So I did.
I went full-time with consulting and never left my love for editing and writing behind. No one would tell me that it wouldn't be all about empowering roses, extreme time and energy flexibility, and cashing checks. Baby, it can be a rough road, with many detours, bumps, and even crashes.
If you're considering becoming self-employed, consider what I've learned (mostly the hard way) in my journey:
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Taxes...Taxes... Taxes...
It was all good when I'd get my check at a job, and all the heavy lifting related to taxes had been done already. Maybe I'd cringe that my take-home pay had diminished by quite a lot once taxes were taken out, but that feeling is nothing compared to the utter horrific trepidation that comes with tax season when you have to file as a self-employed professional.
Quarterly tax obligations are real, and a huge lesson I've learned is that you have to really become honest with yourself about your money mindset, how you dealt with money before becoming self-employed, the federal and state tax requirements that apply to you, and the importance of embracing and taking full advantage of the resources out there to help you.
Often, when you're self-employed, you feel like you can do it all, but in my case, I found that dealing with money matters really intimidated me. I had to empower myself by asking for help and getting the information I needed to succeed.
If you're considering self-employment, talk to others who are self-employed, get references for tax attorneys, coaches, financial advisers, or certified accountants, and check out the IRS website to find out the information you need. Look to your local businesses and organizations that advocate for you. Get the knowledge you need and write out a plan of action ahead of time so that you won't be overwhelmed when you're ready to go for it.
And offer yourself grace. Life is not about perfection, and you can't know it all at all times. Experience can sometimes be the best teacher as well, especially when it comes to being self-employed.
Invoicing And Knowing Your Worth
Setting prices for your time, services, or products can be tricky, but if you decide to continue pursuing the same work you did in your 9-to-5 when you move on to be your own boss (like I did), this can be much easier. Be sure to check the market rates for what you offer to the world by going to sites like Salary.com or Glassdoor to help you set a baseline for what you should be getting paid. Ask around your industry and get a mentor who can guide you on this, especially someone who has been in their field, self-employed, for many years. (You want to learn from folk who have receipts.)
Early on, I tragically undervalued my services, talent, and experience and undercharged by a lot. I often felt desperate because, to be honest with you, my confidence wasn't as high as I thought it was when I started the journey. I also had bills to pay and didn't want to go through the shame of failing.
Well, if you're reading this, you can plan better than I did in the early days and set yourself up for success by not only charging what you're worth but adding tax (literally...I just told you about Uncle Sam, sis), but saving up and planning so that you can take or leave any client or customer. You won't be so pressed because you've financially and mentally prepared yourself to take the leap.
Now, I'm not saying deplete all your savings and live off of credit cards and hope. I am saying go into self-employment with a realistic sense of what you should be charging, how your prices and expenses affect your finances, the reasonable market rates for what you're offering to the world, and the quality of life you'd like to have for yourself and your family.
It took me years to get in a good groove of understanding the types of clients I wanted to work with, what publishers I wanted to build relationships with, what I was willing to sacrifice just for the experience, and my hard boundaries for the return on investment of my time.
Again, if you feel confused or anxious about this, get some help. Talk to a coach, join a Facebook group, or invest in courses where you can be around and learn from other self-employed professionals who have been successful, and the fruits of their labors are super-evident.
The Isolation And Loneliness
I've always been one who loves my own company and will do almost anything alone (especially traveling, going out to dinner or movies, or trying something new and daring that I can't convince anyone in my network to do).
However, especially during the pandemic, I learned that while I'm never really lonely, I absolutely hate feeling alone. The isolation really caused me to go inward, lose a lot of my zest for serving people, and ruined any sense of community I'd felt previously. It also made me realize that we need people and that I crave the exchange of human energy when it comes to doing what I love.
Embarking on a self-employment journey means also reaching out and being an active part of networks where you can serve, learn and grow so that you can avoid making mistakes, advance your career, boost your business, make friends, and really contribute in a more elevated way. Go to those mixers, sis. Take that coffee or virtual lunch invite. Travel on that retreat. Volunteer. Do things that will really enrich your spirit and provide some sort of social interaction that will make being self-employed something fulfilling to be.
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Broke, Going Back To A 9-to-5....And Failure
I really want to keep it 100 on this one: Almost every self-employed person I know has had to go back to a 9-to-5 at one point or another, even if it was part-time or something that they would never dare put on their resume. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Some people work a 9-to-5 to fuel their future of full-time self-employment. Some went solo and found that they needed to do a bit more self-development and get a bit more education by working for a company.
Some people took a leap and failed. It happens, and it happened to me. I'm proud of having sold shoes (one of the best jobs of my life), answered phones, or sold products via telemarketing because it taught me humility, customer service, and sales skills and helped me engage with people in a way I hadn't when self-employed.
It also boosted my confidence, letting me know I could do anything I put my mind to and that God would never leave me hanging off a cliff. It strengthened my faith and made me even more determined to continue to go for my dreams.
It also widened my network, and one job even helped me finance a major surgery I didn't even know I'd need. (The actual job was a flop, but the experience was a God-send that I'm forever grateful for because had I not been employed and fully insured, I'm not sure I'd be here to write this.)
Being self-employed isn't the fantasy that's often portrayed on social, but if it's the path for you, it can be super-rewarding. Be sure to take heed to the lessons I've learned along the way, remember your why, stay diligent, enjoy the process, and be that successful self-employed boss you were called to be.
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Your Guide To Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You Based On Astrology
Letting go is a gift we are given and a strength that we find throughout our lives. There are times when we want to grab ahold of what we are experiencing and sensing, and times when we need to let go of something that was once everything to us or what we wanted for ourselves. The moment you conclude that you need to let something go in your life is the moment that your brain fights to make that happen for you.
In Astrology, there is an area of your birth chart that is designed for you to understand where you will be letting go a lot in this lifetime, and exactly how to do so. We dive through the birth chart as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and let go of what no longer serves us, and there are tools available to help us do so. If you don't know where your South Node is in your birth chart, you can use a free calculator like this one here.
What Does Your South Node Represent in Astrology?
When it comes to what we are destined to let go of or move away from in this lifetime, we look to the South Node. The South Node is the area of your birth chart that has to do with your past lives, karma, lessons, old habits and traits, gifts, and energy you are moving away from in this lifetime.
Your South Node is opposite your North Node, which is your destiny and the energy you want to move towards.
We can learn a lot from our South Node and it’s an area of our life where we tend to gain the most wisdom. By understanding why some patterns in your life tend to play out in the same ways, you can be more conscious of the choices you make in the now and let go of who and what doesn’t serve you in the process.
South Node Insights: Letting Go
The South Node is our natural gifts and talents, but also where we don’t need to focus so much of our energy on, taking us away from where we need to be developing, which is the North Node. So when you are looking to let go of something, gain a new perspective, or feel more trusting in what you are doing right now, you can examine your South Node.
We learn from our South Node by not making the same mistakes over again, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and understanding what we need in order to create space for our new beginning.
Read below for your South Node on how to let go of what no longer serves you.
Aries South Node: Letting Go of Independence for Connection
You are used to being independent and figuring things out on your own. In this lifetime, however, you are being asked to lean on others for support when you need it. You are working on letting go of the ego and focusing more on the heart. By extending your compassion for others, you discover a part of yourself that leads you toward empowerment and allows you to let go of a false sense of safety.
You are meant to experience harmonious, fortunate, and compatible love in this lifetime, and you will do so by opening your heart to others and letting go of people who don’t support you or whom you can’t count on.
Taurus South Node: Releasing Overdependence and Superficiality
With your South Node in Taurus, you are letting go of the need to acquire by focusing on the depth and intention of what you are obtaining. Your relationships tend to have a lot to do with your financial world, and these things can get twisted and distorted if you are not being careful.
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of what doesn’t serve you by following your heart and your intuition more and focusing more on the feeling you want for yourself rather than the things themselves. You are also working on letting go of overdependence or superficiality in relationships, by connecting with the people whom you have a deep and spiritual bond with.
Gemini South Node: Finding Freedom in Authenticity
For you, letting go means following your freedom. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime, and the less you can focus on how you are going to be perceived, the more you can live the life of your dreams. With a South Node in Gemini, you are moving away from the commotion of life. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is traveling, getting out of your comfort zone, and being in new environments.
In past lives, you may have given too much of your focus on your social successes and business pursuits, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on the bigger picture. What helps you let go is understanding that once you do, better is available to you.
Cancer South Node: Trusting Yourself Beyond Emotional Impulses
With a South Node in Cancer, you are learning to trust yourself and your logic more than your emotional world in this lifetime. By letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to nurture and support everyone and allowing people to do that for you, you lead your destiny.
With your South Node in Cancer, you are letting go of emotional impulsiveness or making decisions irrationally before you have thought about them.
In past lives, you were led by your emotional world, and in this lifetime, you are meant to think more about your long-term goals and intentions. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is knowing that you are more than what you can give to others.
Leo South Node: Prioritizing Community Over Recognition
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of the need to be seen and recognized and focus more on your need for community and soul companionship. You are moving away from the “I” and moving closer to the “We.” What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is giving your focus to humanity, the progress you want to make in this lifetime, and who you want to make it with.
You are learning how to work with others and let go of the need to figure everything out yourself. The more you connect with the people who make you want to team up and form a relationship, rather than the people who make you want to be alone, the better for you.
Virgo South Node: Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to do everything yourself and to have everything all together. You can let go of what no longer serves you by thinking more with your heart than you do with your mind and by trusting this gift of yours. By focusing more on your spirituality, emotional connections, and creativity, you let go of a timid side of you that can disrupt your relationships or the bonds you make.
In past lifetimes, you were focused on perfection. In this lifetime, you are meant to focus on compassion. By surrendering more to the flow of things, you can let go of what no longer serves you while remaining open for what does.
Libra South Node: Rediscovering Your Independence
With your South Node in Libra, you are meant to experience the gifts of independence, freedom, and inner clarity in this lifetime. In the past, you may have been more dependent on the people around you and made a lot of your focus on love. However, in this lifetime, you are being reminded to not lose your identity in others. You can let go of what no longer serves you by only moving towards the things that feel authentic to you.
You are meant to feel confident, inspired, and free in your relationships, and if you don’t feel this way, then that is a sign you are around energy that doesn’t serve you. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime.
Scorpio South Node: Letting Go of Struggles and Embracing Ease
With your South Node in Scorpio, you have lived many lives and have experienced a lot emotionally. In this lifetime, you are learning how to trust the process more and to understand that not everything has to be difficult or trying for you. You can experience great things with ease, and you’ll know you are in the right place when things are just falling into your lap.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is focusing more on the things and people who make you feel safe, stable, and comfortable. Instead of always seeking the rush or the thrill, bring your attention more towards the things that ground you.
Sagittarius South Node: Building Connection Through Learning
Your South Node in Sagittarius urges you towards connection with your community and your immediate environment. In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to be everywhere at once, rather than with the people who matter most to you. You are moving away from knowing everything and into learning everything.
By looking at life as a place where you will learn, grow, and connect, you can let go of the things that stretch you too thin or don’t serve your heart.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is expressing yourself more, meeting new people, and spending time on a cause or creative project that inspires you.
Capricorn South Node: Choosing Home and Foundations Over Status
In this lifetime, you are meant to put more value and effort into your personal life, home, family, and foundations in life. In past lifetimes, a lot of your focus was on your reputation, achievements, and successes, and in this lifetime, you are meant to bring your energy more to the home base, family, and stability in life.
You will know if something is right for you if you want it because it makes you feel safe and nurtured, rather than just something that looks pleasing to the eye. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is by focusing more on your personal life rather than your public, and what you truly see for yourself here.
Aquarius South Node: Shining in Your Individuality
With an Aquarius South Node, you are meant to shine, be seen, and express yourself in this lifetime. You are letting go of the lone wolf energy you are used to, and working on taking up space. You are able to let go of what no longer serves you by being confident in yourself and the decisions you are making.
If someone doesn’t make you feel like the best thing in the entire world, then they aren’t right for you. In past lifetimes, you gave a lot of your energy to your community and the people around you, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on yourself and your path more. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good and trusting that you deserve to.
Pisces South Node: Honoring Logic While Embracing Intuition
Your lesson in this lifetime is that your mind is your gift. In past lives, you were very intuitive, psychic, and spiritual, and in this lifetime, you are learning to trust and honor the logical part of yourself more. You may tend to put your all into your relationships and not get the same energy back, and you are working on taking care of yourself first before you can give to another.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is trusting your body and the signals it gives you when you are around certain people or energy that doesn’t serve. Get organized, figure out your needs, boundaries, and wants, and get clear on who you are and what you want for yourself.
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Should You Follow Your Partner On Social Media? (The Answer May Surprise You)
Typically, Tyler Perry movies and I don’t get along very well — for a myriad of reasons; however, there are a couple throughout the years that I have found myself appreciating. One is a film that I’m really trying to wrap my entire mind around the fact that it is 18 years old this year: Why Did I Get Married?
As I sat down to write this article, there was a specific scene that immediately came to my mind. It’s when all of the couples were sitting outside and discussing certain boundaries concerning their relationship. When the topic of passcodes to phones came up, if memory serves me right, one couple said that they didn’t have each other’s passcodes, another said that they did but don’t use them, and — surprise, surprise — the consistently most dramatic couple Marcus (Michael Jai White) and Angela (Tasha Smith) were forever going at it because Marcus didn’t want Angela to have access to his phone.
Anyone who remembers the movie (and sequel) isn’t shocked by that because those two had trust issues to the 10th power — and that’s kind of why I’m starting this article out by bringing them up. As far as what you should think long and hard about before getting all up in your partner’s phone, I’ve covered that before in the article, “Before You Go Through His Phone, You Should Know What The Law Says About It.” Today, though, let’s talk about whether or not it’s a good idea for you and your partner to follow each other on social media.
Because although you might think this is a “duh” kind of topic, it actually…isn’t.
Here’s What Data Says About Social Media and Relationships
Let’s start all of this with a brief social media history lesson.
If you’re someone who happens to remember the social media platform Six Degrees, I’m impressed because it’s considered to be the first solid evidence of social media; the real ones are going to recall that Black Planet made its way into cyberspace in 1999 (a couple of years after Six Degrees). By the early 2000s, we had MySpace, Friendster, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and even LinkedIn. Before we knew it, by 2015, at least 65 percent of Americans had at least one social media platform with almost 70 percent of them hanging out on Facebook alone. This meant that now, more than ever, folks had access to more information and individuals at one time than ever before — and as with most things in life, there were pros and cons to that.
Since today, what we’re focusing on is the impact that social media can have on long-term romantic relationships, I’ll share some of the downsides of it when it comes to things like marriage.
Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, infidelity, having unrealistic expectations, making unfair comparisons, or even experiencing low-key paranoia, sadly, we are now at a point where some studies say that social media is a top issue (if not a main cause) in at least one-third of divorces (other studies say that social media significantly impacts one in seven divorces and a particular study even cited that Facebook plays a huge role in one in five divorces).
And although some of these situations can be debated based on what one’s personal perception is (for instance, one study says that 45 percent of Americans consider their partner following an ex on social media to be a form of infidelity), one thing that I think we all can agree on is social media has proven that it can complicate matters, as far as relationships go.
So, while keeping all of this in mind, what do research and relationship experts say when it comes to whether you should get a front-row seat to whatever may be happening on your partner’s social media pages?
Well, this HuffPost article features a woman who says that she and her man spend enough time together offline that engaging online isn’t really necessary. Independent’s article, “If you love someone, don’t follow them on social media” shares that social media can easily get you caught up in the “un-realness” of it all that your relationship could end up becoming a soap opera without you even noticing it.
A relationship expert who was featured in Men’s Health’s “Stop Following Your Significant Other on Social Media” article said that if your relationship already has some pressures and stress in it, social media isn’t going to do it any favors. Plus, it can negatively impact how two people in a relationship communicate with one another.
Hmph. Sounds to me like you and your bae following each other online seems like it could ultimately do more harm than good. And although this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, I do think there are some things that you should really ponder before requiring this in your own relational dynamic.
Know Your WHY
Wanna get to the root of why you want or are about to do something? Know your why. “Knowing your why” basically consists of figuring out the true motives and/or underlying reasons for why you’re about to say or do something — and when it comes to following your partner on social media, you should definitely spend some time contemplating this.
If you need a bit of help with figuring your true why out, in the business world, there is something known as “the five whys” (some use “5” instead). It’s basically about resolving a problem by asking enough whys that will help you to get to the root of it.
For instance, if I said to you, “Why do you think that you and your partner should follow each other on social media?” and you said, “Because I want to be aware of what they are doing on there,” then my next question would be “And why is that?” and if you said something like, “Because I trust my man but I don’t trust the strangers that he engages with” (if you trust him, that should be enough, by the way) and then I said, “And why is that?” and you say, “Because one time I went on his page and saw some comments from people that I didn’t know and it bothered me” and I say, “Why?” and you say, “Because it reminded me of a time when an ex cheated on me and I never really got over it” and I follow up with a fifth why, “And you say, because, deep down, I think all men are unfaithful” — BAM, we just got to the root cause of WHY you want to follow your partner and it actually has little to do with wanting to engage in some light online fun and entertainment.
Accepting that why can help you to work through some issues that you are putting on social media that actually don’t have a ton to do with it (or your partner) at all.
Now, am I saying that every person who follows “their person” online has some deep-rooted issues? Absolutely not. Some couples follow each other and don’t think any more about it beyond following any other person who they care about. All I’m saying is if you are unbending about doing it, you should look into what that is all about. Your “why” could be quite telling.
Social Media Could Possibly Jack Up Your Intimacy
Something that kind of irks me is when people say that social media is not the real world. Chile, being social is real and media is real, and if it was just play-play, why are so many folks so consumed with and by it? Just like there can be “fake folks” at your job, in your church, and even in your social circles offline, there can sho ‘nuf be disingenuous individuals out in the social media streets; however, that doesn’t mean that social media isn’t…REAL. And the reality is that people, on average, spend somewhere around 2.5 hours daily on social media.
And if one of the people who you are “checking for” online is your partner, that can waste precious time that the two of you could be spending together. It can also cause you to communicate more online than face-to-face. Don’t believe me? Chile, I can’t BELIEVE how many clients I’ve had who argue via text. SMDH. You can’t read tone in text. Messages are oftentimes abbreviated in text. Lawd, although text was created to be a “get to the point” convenience via cell phones, it was never supposed to replace authentic communication and dialogue about serious matters. And for some people, social media pretty much does the same thing.
Couples will “fight” on social media. Couples will throw passive-aggressive shots on social media. Couples will get mad at each other and then DM each other based on things that they saw on each other’s pages via social media. Does any of that sound healthy to you?
Another way that social media can mess your relationship up? Not too long ago, I was talking to an older married man about why divorce rates seem to be higher now than back in his day. He tickled me when he said, “We used to miss our spouses because we weren’t on the phone or on some damn computer interacting with each other all damn day long.” He’s got a point. If you’re engaging, one way or another, with your partner throughout the day, that could result in you having little to say once you get home. That’s not good.
Some other things to consider when it comes to being connected on social media: well, while reading an article on a legal mediator’s website about how social media can cause breakdowns in marriage, the author said that it can be due to things like unwarranted jealousy via comparing yourself to other people, trying to control your partner’s social media (or how they choose to engage in it) and/or misinterpretations that can cause conflict (like getting mad when they like a picture or misreading an emoji that someone puts in the comments).
Drama. All this drama that could be avoided if you both agreed to let social media be one thing separately so that the two of you can build a solid foundation and spend some genuine quality time offline.
When It Comes to Healthy and Long-Lasting Relationships, Privacy Is King
Another reason to not follow your partner online: is to keep everything private. Think that isn’t a valid point? Well, Hip-hop artist Method Man has been married to his wife, Tamika for 24 years (this year) and he has said on multiple occasions that the key to marital success is not to talk about your relationship. Actor Morris Chestnut will celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2025 to his wife, Pam and he has also said that “It’s best to keep my private life under wraps because the more you put out there, the more stories get made up.” (Interestingly enough, he also once said that flirting on social media is a deal-breaker.)
Actor Kerry Washington has been married to her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha since 2013 and they are also notorious for not discussing their relationship. Reportedly, she once told Glamour, “I have girlfriends in this business who talk about their personal lives, and it works for them, and I love it. But not for me. I learned through experience that it doesn’t work for me to talk about my personal life.” And y’all, I don’t really get how privacy is effectively and consistently maintained if you and your partner are all up on and in each other’s social media all of the time.
Indeed, if you want to set (and maintain) healthier boundaries, keep outside influences down to a minimum, and reduce the amount of opinions, perceptions, and negativity from infiltrating your relational bond — privacy is king. Online as well as off.
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Chile, I already know — some of y’all read all of this and you’re not budging. LOL. You’re going to require that you and your partner follow each other on social media and that’s all there is to it. To each their own. I just hope that you at least now see that there is a method in the madness of opting not to do it and it could actually bring more peace to your relationship by choosing not to do so.
Besides, no one said that you need to block each other. I simply said to consider the benefits that come from them not popping up in your feed nonstop. I mean, you do have each other’s number and you are a huge part of each other’s lives, right? In a healthy and solid relationship, for many…that is more than enough.Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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