I've got a question. Have you ever done a sex tape before? C'mon. If you haven't, don't act like you've never considered it before. I mean, it's not like all of us don't have at least a little bit of voyeurism (the desire to watch someone undress or have sex) and/or exhibitionism (the desire to be watched doing the same) in us. It's just that, most of us know to be out here peeking through random windows or stripping out in public is against the law. That's where learning how to make a sex tape comes in. The cool thing about it is it's a wonderful compromise.
So, just how do you pull it off? First, make sure that you make the tape with someone you totally trust, both in and out of the bedroom; that's what's most important. Once you've got the leading man for the starring role, all you've got to do is check the following 10 things off of your DIY sex tape list and you should, literally, be totally good to go.
How To Make A Great Sex Tape
1. Use Your Smartphone. And an Action Camera.
What's a sex tape without equipment, right? If all you're planning to do is record a couple of minutes and immediately delete the footage, your smartphone is really all that you need. But, if you want to go all out and record a semi-masterpiece that you can keep for a while, it's best to have your phone and something along the lines of a camcorder or action camera too. Your phone can catch the close-up shots while a camcorder or action camera (with the help of a tripod) can pan away and get the full view of what you and yours are doing.
As far as which is better (a camcorder vs. an action camera), the choice is totally based on personal preference. While a camcorder can give you high quality, even while holding it with one hand, an action camera is typically cheaper and comes with a ton of mountable options. (A list of the best camcorders is here while a list of some of the best action cameras is here.) Oh, and if you're really serious, you'll probably need to edit your video once you're done. If you're a newbie, you can check out a list of some of the most user-friendly editing software that's currently on the market here.
2. Install Some Orange Light Bulbs
Next to a good camera to shoot your sex tape with, pretty much any professional videographer or photographer will vouch for the fact that getting the right lighting down is key.
To tell you the truth, it's actually best to go with natural light, which means shooting your tape in the daytime (morning sex, anyone?), but if you'd prefer to do it at night, go with some orange light bulbs. It will create a softer effect on camera and also reduce any scars or marks on your skin that might cause you to be a little self-conscious.
3. Pull Out Some Props
Take your sex tape up a notch with the help of a few sex props. You can incorporate something that's already in your house—like your washing machine or kitchen counter—or pick up something like a sex pillow, some handcuffs or a mattress restraint. It really all boils down to how creative and/or risqué you want to get…and how entertaining you want your video to be.
4. Create a Soundtrack. Possibly a Script Too.
Something that can make a sex tape super sexy is some really great music. I ain't gonna lie, when I recently saw a duck twerking video (yes, you read that right), after I almost choked on my spit from laughing so hard, the first thing I wanted to know was what song was the duck dancing to. It was a short bop called "Vibe" by an artist named Cookiee Kawaii. If you don't want incredibly slow or even romantic music, adding songs like that can make your sex tape not just erotic but fun too. You can either play music semi-softly in the background or you can add it to your video afterwards (click here to learn how).
Speaking of fun, if you're hesitant to do a sex tape because you're thinking that it would be mad awkward, how about writing a script to follow? If you go into everything from the mindset of acting, it can take some of the pressure off. It can also make it easier to get into the flow of the act as well. It's not going to Hollywood, so don't overthink it. Just develop a couple of characters, a brief storyline and some loose dialogue. Then wing it, literally, from there.
5. Dress Up
Unless you want you sex tape to be a real-life documentary, by all means, PLEASE dress up for the occasion. If there was ever a time to pull out your absolutely-over-the-top-lingerie-best, it would be now. In fact, ask your partner what he has always fantasized about seeing you in and wear that. If you want to get all technical and you're wondering which colors resonate best on camera, blues and pastels are pretty dope. So are shades of grey and green.
6. Pick Your Angles
Angles are important too. For instance, if you're aiming for getting a wide shot of you and your partner's bodies, it's probably best to prop up your camera on the side of your bed. On the other hand, if a close up of your genitals are more of what you're after, the camera being at the corner of your bed is probably what's best. Just remember that if you use a smartphone and camcorder or action camera, that will help you to easily get some wide shots and close-ups without overthinking or doing a lot of starting and stopping.
7. Do a “Practice Run”
Probably, one of the biggest mistakes that people make while shooting a sex tape is just pulling out their phone or camera and pushing record. That's what makes it really amateur-looking. You can avoid this novice faux pas by doing a bit of a test run before you officially record your own. Set your cameras where and how you want and then shoot a few seconds of video, just to make sure you've got your lighting and angles right. It would be a shame to put in all of that hard work while the camera is crooked or the lighting is so bad that everything is blurry or you can't see much of anything at all.
8. Incorporate Some Erotic Self-Focus
If you've never watched an Aliya Janell Choreography video before, you're missin' out. One of my favorites is her "Backin' It Up" one ("So Anxious" is really sex too); not just because the girls are absolutely killin' the dance moves, but because they know how to rock heels and work a camera. Those dancers are totally aware of the fact that facial expressions are super important when you want to nail a performance. Same goes for a sex tape.
If you're naturally camera shy, something that can bring out your inner sex kitten is practicing some erotic self-focus. If you're sitting over there like, "What the heck is that?!", no worries. I penned a piece on it not too long ago. You can check it out here.
9. Don’t Forget to Do Some Dirty Talking
What's a sex tape without some dirty talking thrown in? Always remember that one of the best things about a sex tape is not just that you're able to watch you and yours in the act but you're able to pay close attention to all that's being said too. If you'd like a little inspiration, Kinky Quotes is full of stimulating one-liners. Remember, only you and yours are gonna see the video, so…feel free to totally go off, sis.
10. Transfer. Or DELETE.
Leaked sex tapes. I'll be honest, when it comes to celebrities, a lot of times they're about as "leaked" as their music (meaning, it's called an accident when it really isn't). Still, sometimes it does happen for real and usually that's because their sex tape is out in a cloud somewhere. That's why it's best to either shoot the video, watch it and then totally delete it (if it's on your iPhone, remember that you've got to also delete it from your "recently deleted album"; if it's your computer, remember to delete it from your recycle bin).
Or, if you want to keep it for future viewing pleasure, transfer the footage to your computer (NOT a cloud) and make sure your computer is password protected.
That way, the only people who can see the tape are the ones you want to see it. I'm pretty sure that you can totally feel me on that. Happy sex shooting, y'all.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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