There's no hurt in this world like realizing that you are now in a show hole.
You've successfully watched all of your favorite series up until the most recent episode and you're left wondering how you'll survive until the next drop. But thanks to Netflix, we're getting hit with the heat back-to-back this summer, and they recently just released a Black AF list of titles that I'm prepared to binge ASAP.
I'm literally only two episodes into Orange is the New Black, the latest volume of Dear White People is drops today and I've already blocked out my weekend schedule out into 6-episode watch blocks because if you're gonna spend that much time watching TV, you might as well be strategic.
Why Do Fools Fall in Love (Aug. 1)
Why Do Fools Fall In Love is an underrated classic that doesn't get the appreciation it deserves, damn it. Featuring Hollywood heavy-hitters like Halle Berry, Vivica A. Fox, and Lela Rochon, this biographical film tells the story of Frankie Lymon, an American Rock and Roll pioneer and the three women that sought to claim his estate after his death.
Are We Done Yet? (Aug. 1)
Crenshaw-born gangster rap artist Ice Cube is on daddy duty in this kid-friendly film, where he stars alongside his never-aging co-star Nia Long as newly married parents who decide to move their kids to the suburbs, but the family has to overcome a number of obstacles before they can truly have their dream home.
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (Aug. 1)
Without progressive films like To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar for introducing us to the world of Camp, we may have never gotten to experience the fabulousness of drag on a mainstream level. Before RuPaul and his gang hit reality TV, there was Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, and John Leguizamo, who acted as three drag queens on a cross country trip to a competition in Los Angeles.
Dear White People: Season 3 (Aug 2.)
After suddenly losing her father and uncovering the truth about an on-campus secret society, Sam decides to take a step back from her radio show and gives her best friend Joelle the reigns and we're excited to see what's next. Along with new faces, backstories, relationships, and even recipes for grits, Winchester seems to have a lot to offer this season that you won't want to miss.
Otherhood (Aug. 2)
Can we just start by giving Angela Bassett's body the respect it deserves? At 60 years of age, auntie is still serving us serious goals, and her latest role is proof that age is nothing more than a number. This feel-good Netflix original film tells the story of three mothers whose road trip to reconnect with their adult sons turns into a journey to rediscovering themselves.
Glow: Season 3 (Aug. 9)
Netflix
The Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling are back to take Vegas for a third season that will pack even more of a punch than before. From the creators of Orange is the New Black, Glow is the '80s style dramedy series you didn't know you needed in your life.
Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (Aug. 13)
GREG GAYNE FOR NETFLIX
Whoever said women don't have a place in comedy was deadass wrong, and Tiffany Haddish's new Netflix original stand-up series proves that this fact. Featuring six phenomenal and diverse female comics that were handpicked by Tiffany herself, each half-hour episode promises tons of raw humor, laughs, and hella feminine energy.
QB1: Beyond the Lights (Aug. 16)
IMBD
Produced by Complex and Friday Night Lights’ Peter Berg, QB1 follows high school quarterbacks who come from diverse backgrounds as they navigate the pressures of becoming a one-day hometown hero.
American Factory (Aug. 21)
Netflix
This documentary originally premiered at the Sundance Film Festival and was ultimately bought by Netflix earlier this year. After a General Motors plant in Dayton, Ohio closes, leaving hundreds of people without jobs, a Chinese billionaire reopens the factory as a glass facility, offering room for opportunity for blue class citizens of all nationalities.
Sextuplets (Aug. 16)
Netflix
When a man goes on a journey to find his birth mother before welcoming his first child into the world, he unleashes a whole world of trouble after finding out he was born a sextuplet and has five other siblings out in the world. In a touching and hilarious tale about the nuances of family, Marlon Wayans goes full-on Eddie Murphy and plays a total of six different characters.
Falling Inn Love (Aug. 29)
Netflix
In 2003, Christina Milian reminded us that Love Don't Cost a Thing, in 2019, the "Dip It Low" singer and soon to be mother-of-two is back in a new Netflix rom-com that proves ‘Falling Inn Love’ can be easy. The film, which was shot in New Zealand, is about an executive who wins an old hotel after a breakup and ultimately falls for a hunky contractor.
Styling Hollywood (Aug. 30)
Netflix
Jason Bolden, a fashion stylist best known for his work with stars like Gabrielle Union, Taraji P. Henson, Ava DuVernay, and Yara Shahidi, along with a few of his celebrity stylist friends are bringing their talents to reality TV in a series that will get your wardrobe all the way together.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy