Halle Berry is a girl's girl, but it's no secret she has love for men too. However, her list of high-profile relationships has been met with harsh criticism like "she can't keep a man." In true Halle Berry fashion, the star addressed the trolls with a classy clapback via Instagram last year writing:
"Who said I wanted to keep them? I'm all about living your best life, if you make a wrong move, course correct and re-spin and start again!"
We couldn't have said it any better! The Hollywood star is all about the re-spin and so are we. The 53-year-old mom of two chatted with friend Lena Waithe over an Instagram Live a year ago about how it's been navigating singledom after her last divorce with actor Olivier Martinez. "I have decided to take time. I'm very much a relationship-oriented person, I always want to be with someone. But I decided, no I'm going to slow my roll, I'm going to take a minute and I'm going to spent time with me," she said.
"One year led to two years and two years is now leading to three years. But I'm fine because I think the next relationship I have I think I will have a better chance of attracting and choosing what's right for me because I've taken this time to think about what's important to me."
She continued, "I no longer feel the need for a relationship so I don't feel the need to rush or accept something that's not totally right for me. Not that anything's wrong with the people I've been with but I'm going to wait for my match or I will stay solo and be with my kids and do my life the way I'm doing it."
Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
Fast forward a year later, and Halle has hit another re-spin! She and new beau Van Hunt made their official couple debut on the 2021 Oscars red carpet. The couple was the talk of the awards show, but we want to talk about how Halle is living proof that simply just settling should never be an option. She looks happier than ever since she started dating the Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter in September 2020.
Below see Halle's dating history (including three marriages) that led her to her newfound love at 53. Say it with us, respin.
Danny Wood (1989):
Larry Busacca/WireImage
Halle's first relationship thrust into the limelight was with New Kids on the Block's Danny Wood. It was brief but the paparazzi loved the pair even though Halle hadn't shot to stardom yet.
Christopher Williams (1991-1992):
Aside from dating Halle Berry, R&B crooner Christopher Williams is most known for his hit singles "Talk to Myself" (1989), "I'm Dreamin'" (1991), and "Every Little Thing U Do" (1993).
David Justice (1993-1997):
Ron Davis/Getty Images
This pro-baseball player was Halle's first husband. It's safe to say that things did not end amicably between the two since after their split Halle filed for a restraining order against David Justice. In the past, the actress has also been transparent about trying to commit suicide after the failure of their marriage. She told Parade magazine via PEOPLE:
"It was all about a relationship. My sense of worth was so low. I promised myself I would never be a coward again."
Shemar Moore (1997-1998):
Although Halle dated the Criminal Minds actor during the prime of her career, they were very private. Only in recent years has Shemar Moore opened up. "She was the first woman to really knock my socks off. I fell hard for Halle. A lot of people now know we dated, but we had to keep it hush-hush at the time because she was fresh off her divorce from David Justice. I'm still grateful for that relationship," spilled in an interview circa 2013.
Eric Benét (2001-2005):
Frank Trapper/Corbis via Getty Images
This R&B/neo soul singer-songwriter and actor, who has received a total of four Grammy nominations, was the second man to put a ring on Halle's finger. After meeting in 1997, the pair got engaged three years later and officially tied the knot in January 2001. Eric Benet and Halle Berry quickly went from Hollywood "it" couple to divorce after he admitted to infidelity on his part. Halle opened up to Oprah Winfrey about their marriage saying she had an emotional breakdown when he told her about his affairs, but that she became stronger after the marriage failed.
"I had an emotional breakdown... I knew for a fact, 'this is not my fault.' Because I knew I'd been a good wife. I'd given a lot of myself and I learned from mistakes I thought I made in my first marriage. I knew I had grown in many areas."
Michael Ealy (2004-2005):
Halle had chemistry with her Their Eyes Were Watching God co-star Michael Ealy on and off-screen. Although it didn't work out, the actors remain friends till this day.
Gabriel Aubry (2005-2010):
Steve Granitz/WireImage
When Halle began dating this Canadian model, the two were pictured everywhere. They share a daughter, Nahla, together who they've famously battled over in court.
Olivier Martinez (2013-2016):
Halle Berry married French actor Olivier Martinez shortly after her split from Aubry. Their son Marco, was born soon after that. Olivier famously got into a fistfight during his time with Halle with her ex Aubry that made headlines.
Alex da Kid (2017):
After her third marriage didn't work out, Halle dated this British musician for a couple of months.
Van Hunt (Present):
Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
Halle gushed about her new man in a sweet birthday post ahead of their Oscars debut:
"A real woman can do it all by herself, but a real MAN won't let her. Happy birthday VanO. I only wish I'd known you sooner so I could have loved you longer!"
#Respin
Featured image by Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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