Fairly recently on the site, one of our amazing writers, Shellie R. Warren penned a piece entitled, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The article sheds light on the fact that while we are very pro-orgasms at xoNecole, there are women out there who really feel the need to "fake it" during sex for one reason or another. When we shared this on our Instagram shortly thereafter, the general consensus in the comments seemed to be a lot of “sorry to this woman,” which is fair.
However, what intrigued me most about the feedback was the fact that so many commenters equated a lack of having an orgasm during sex to “bad sex.” Now, how the hell did those two things become one and the same?
Sex educator Portia Brown echoes that sentiment. In her teachings, she often informs people of how to replace goal-oriented sex with a more mindful approach to sex where pleasure is the center (or pleasure-oriented sex). And yes, ladies and gentlemen, making having an orgasm the goal of sex is a very limited way of looking at an act where mutual pleasure should be at the center.
Learn What Goal-Oriented Sex Is
“Goal-oriented sex is sex that centers orgasm(s) as the ultimate marker of success. Oftentimes people believe that sex cannot be ‘good’ unless it results in an orgasm. However, the truth is you can have very fulfilling sex that does not include an orgasm, and you can have unfulfilling sexual experiences that do include an orgasm.
“For women and people with vulvas, focusing on orgasming may result in orgasm becoming evasive. It serves us all more (regardless of gender or sex) to focus in on pleasure and feeling good.”
Unlearn The Concept Of Goal-Oriented Sex In Your Sex Life
“Start self-pleasuring and having sex without the intention of orgasming. See if you can spend 15-30 minutes engaging either with yourself or your partner without even worrying about [or] trying to orgasm. Focus solely on pleasure and how amazing you feel. Observe what comes up for you. I think you may find that sex has a lot more benefits than just orgasm.”
Practice Being Less In Your Head During Sex & More In The Moment
“All day long, our brains are making noise and distracting us, it is just what the brain does. If you find that you have a lot of distracting thoughts or if you feel you are ‘in your head’ during sex, check in with other parts of your life. Are you having the same struggles elsewhere? Try gently reminding yourself, ‘This is my brain doing its thing and making noise. My thoughts aren’t facts and my thoughts aren’t always relevant.’
"Breathe deeply and focus on your senses. With practice, focusing and being present becomes easier."
View Sex As A Co-Creative Experience Instead
“We all have a ‘script’ that we follow when it comes to sex. This ‘script’ comes from media, porn, etc. When we co-create sex, we reject ‘the script’ and create our own experiences.
“We begin to discover the kind of sex we truly want to have with ourselves and our partners, which may mean:
- Decentering penetrative sex;
- Decentering orgasm;
- Including toys, roleplay, other props;
- Rejecting the concept of ‘foreplay’ and thinking of anything and everything as SEX.”
Understand That Nothing Is Wrong With You
"We live in a world where sex is all about the penis. The vulva and the clitoris are hardly ever centered in the way we are conditioned to have sex. Most of us do not have proper sex education and many of us are carrying sexual shame from our upbringings. There are a lot of things standing between you and your orgasm, so do not feel bad!
"Focus on exploring pleasure more (solo and with your partner), center honesty, and BREATHE! Breathing during sex is powerful and many of us have the habit of holding our breath and tensing up during sex."
Featured image by Getty Images
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Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
'One Of Them Days' Star Keke Palmer & Director Lawrence Lamont Dish On The Wild & Hilarious Buddy Comedy
You know those days when everything that could go wrong… does? Where all you can do is laugh, cry, and maybe call your bestie for moral support? Well, One of Them Days takes that feeling, cranks it up to ten, and delivers a comedy that’s as chaotic as it is relatable.
Starring Keke Palmer and SZA, this buddy comedy follows two best friends navigating one seriously outrageous day. Directed by Lawrence Lamont and co-produced by Issa Rae and Keke Palmer, the film brings big laughs, wild moments, and a much-needed dose of Black sisterhood to the big screen.
And with a cast that includes legends like Kat Williams, Vanessa Bell Calloway, and Abbott Elementary breakout star Janelle James, you already know the energy is on point. But what really makes the film shine is the chemistry between its leads.
“I didn’t want it to feel like a bunch of cameos. I wanted actors who embodied their characters,” Lamont shared. “Keke and SZA alone? They’re just dynamic. They really feel like besties. Even when the cameras weren’t rolling, I was like—should we still be filming this?Behind the Scenes: A Movie Made at Lightning Speed
Filming One of Them Days wasn’t just fun—it was fast. The entire movie was shot in just 21 days, which meant the cast and crew had to keep up with the action.
“We were moving at lightning speed, but I think we caught lightning in a bottle,” Lamont said. “One of my favorite scenes is the payday loan center scene. When I called cut, Keke and SZA were literally on the ground cracking up. They had so much fun.”
And that fun wasn’t just for the cameras. The film also brings a fresh take to Black-led comedies, proving that Black women deserve to be front and center in every genre.
“I want Black women to see that they can lead movies,” Lamont emphasized. “Not just be the co-star, not just third or fourth on the call sheet. Black women have fascinating stories, and they deserve to be the story.”
Keke Palmer: The Queen of Doing It All
If there’s one thing about Keke Palmer, it’s that she’s always working. But even with her long list of credits, One of Them Days is special—because it’s her first feature film as a producer. And she’s not doing it alone.
“Queen Latifah has always been so encouraging. She’s supported me creatively and in business since I was nine years old,” Palmer shared. “And then obviously, Issa—I mean, this is my first feature film as a producer, and when she had the project, she brought me on board. We worked on it together for six years. It takes one of us, wherever we are, to lift each other up.”
Why You Need to See This Movie
With its laugh-out-loud moments, ride-or-die friendship, and a fire soundtrack, One of Them Days is giving us the kind of fun, rewatchable comedy we’ve been missing.
“I remember going to see Superbad in high school, and we went three times,” Lamont said. “I want people to feel that excitement again—just going to the movies and having fun.”
So grab your besties, hit the theater, and get ready for One of Them Days—because if you’ve ever had a ridiculous, chaotic, what-the-hell-is-happening kind of day, this movie is for you.
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Feature image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Sony