Goodness. I know that I can’t be the only one who is tripping out that spring is literally days away. Even as I’m typing all of this out, I’m trying to figure out where January and February went because it has pretty much all been a blur. Anyway, since time couldn’t care less about what we think of it (LOL), if there’s one thing I’m learning, the older I get, is to simply accept that it’s gonna move, sometimes faster than I would like — and so, I need to prepare for it: mind, body, and spirit.
Today? We’re gonna tackle the body and more specifically, our skin. Why? Because with the spring season comes showing more of it while also spending more time outdoors. So, don’t you want to do that without feeling subconscious due to any skin issues you might have? Ones that, honestly, you can get on top of before the spring season gets into full swing?
You’ve read the title already and yes, I meant what I said. Even though springtime is right around the corner, if you’re willing to implement these 10 skin-positive tips ASAP, you can still significantly improve the quality of your skin and its appearance before you put your first spring dress on. Promise.
1. Use Cleansing Brushes
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Imma tell y’all what: one of the best things that I ever did for my face (and neck) is start using an electric cleaning brush. Hands down, it’s one of the quickest and most effective ways to exfoliate your skin and, if you use them consistently, over time, you will notice that your skin feels smoother and looks brighter too.
I will give you a heads up that if you’ve never used cleaning brushes before and you have acne-prone or oily skin, you might notice extra pimples or irritated skin after the first week or so of using them; however, that is a temporary issue. Your skin is simply not used to that level of deep cleaning and it all should pass within an additional 1-2 weeks or so.
By the way, for this reason, you might want to use a gentler cleanser than usual since the brushes are going to be doing so much of the work. As far as which brushes are best, InStyle has a list of recommendations here and Cosmo also does here.
2. Cleanse Your Face with Raw Milk
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Speaking of a gentle cleanser, if you’re looking for one, how about raw milk? If you’re curious about what that is, it’s basically milk that has not yet been pasteurized. And while you should take a hard pass on drinking it (because harmful bacteria tend to be in it), when it comes to your skin, specifically, it can be good for you. That’s because its properties are great when it comes to toning your skin, deeply moisturizing it, speeding up the healing process of breakouts, protecting your skin from damaging sun rays and even reducing the appearance of dark circles around your eyes.
Farms are typically where you can find raw milk the easiest. If you don’t know a farmer personally, check out Real Milk’s site (here) for a list of places that make raw milk available to customers.
3. Exfoliate with Baking Soda
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When I was growing up, my mother put me on to brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. It wasn’t until I was an adult, though, that I learned anything about using baking soda as a skin exfoliant. Since it contains pretty potent antibacterial properties and has a gritty feel to it, if you’re looking for an all-natural exfoliant that will help to treat acne, eczema, psoriasis or help to remove ingrown hairs or even treat fungal infections — baking soda has a pretty solid reputation when it comes to all of these things. Just make sure that you apply it to damp skin because the texture of it will be too rough (especially on your face) otherwise.
4. Or Try Some Coffee Grounds
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Since exfoliants are so great at cleaning out pores, improving the texture of your skin, and providing a radiant glow to it as well, let’s talk about one more all-natural option: coffee grounds. Earlier this year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why Caffeine Is Great For You On The Beauty Regimen Tip” because, even if you aren’t much of a java drinker, you still should keep some around for your skin’s sake. One way that coffee grounds are bomb is the high amount of antioxidants in them can actually help to improve the collagen and elastin levels in your skin; this means that coffee grounds are a wonderful anti-aging skin remedy.
One recipe that I like is mixing some brown sugar (another good exfoliant that also acts as a humectant), some sweet almond oil (which is full of vitamins A and E as well as fatty acids), and some coffee grounds. Your skin will be super smooth and more even-looking, even after the first use. I can just about guarantee it.
5. DIY Your Toner
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If there is one skin step that I think far too many of us skip (and shouldn’t), it is toner. If you can personally attest to that fact, make a commitment to apply it regularly and consistently to your current skin regimen. Toner not only deeply cleanses your pores, but it also moisturizes and brightens your skin too. As a bonus, toner also deeply hydrates your skin and, if you happen to have naturally oily skin, it can help to keep your sebum in balance.
Although there are plenty of toners on the market (witch hazel is a really good economical option, by the way), don’t sleep on going the DIY route when it comes to this skin treatment. Why? Because when you can control the ingredients that are in your toner, you can feel confident about what you’re applying directly to your skin. Hello Glow is one site that offers almost 20 different recipes. You can check them all out here.
6. Treat Pimples with Manuka Honey
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I’ve actually been knowing about the benefits of manuka honey for a hot minute now (check out “Manuka Honey Is The Ultimate Beauty Find”). If you’re curious about what makes it so different from regular honey, the main standout is it contains a significantly higher amount of antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties. Health-wise, that means it can strengthen your immunity, soothe a stubborn cough, and even help to prevent tooth decay.
As far as your skin goes, it’s the kind of honey that reduces the appearance of pimples (by killing the bacteria in them and reducing the inflammation of infected pores) and it can give your skin a boost in moisture if you choose to wash with it.
7. Use a Vitamin C Serum
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As far as beauty trends go, something that isn’t going away, any time soon, is vitamin C serum. Good thing too because there are tons of ways that it benefits the skin. Now that we’ll (hopefully) be seeing the sun more often as well as feeling its effects, vitamin C comes in handy because it can help to protect your skin from the potential damage of UV rays. Plus, it has the ability to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, boost the production of collagen, even your skin tone, brighten its complexion, and reduce hyperpigmentation.
Since there are a myriad of different serums to choose from, the cheat code is to look for the kind that has a concentration of around 15 percent and is in dark-colored packaging (it’ll last longer that way). If you’d like some additional help on selecting a vitamin C serum that’s best for our skin (Black skin), YouTuber April Basi is a Black female chemist who’s got some solid intel. You can check out one of her videos on the topic here.
8. Consume “Skin-Friendly” Foods
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It would be pretty ludicrous to write an article about how to create flawless skin and not address things like diet. After all, it’s been long documented that white foods (like white bread, white rice, and white pasta), sugar, dairy, soda, and fried foods (for starters) can cause all kinds of chaos to your skin if they aren’t consumed with extreme moderation. So, what foods are actually good for your skin?
Citrus fruit (they’re high in vitamin C); oatmeal (it’s full of nutrients like zinc and magnesium); berries (they stimulate collagen production); broccoli (it’s filled with antioxidants); salmon (it’s got an abundance of fatty acids); sunflowers (they’re rich in vitamin E), and sweet potatoes (they’ve got lots of vitamin A and beta-carotene).
9. Learn More About Photosensitivity
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Okay, so this just might be your “something new” for the day. Although photosensitivity might sound like it’s a complex topic, at the end of the day, when it comes to your skin, there are simply certain ingredients that could make it more vulnerable to the sun and the damage that it can do (like premature fine lines and wrinkles). Ingredients like what? Well, retinol, glycolic acid, and salicylic acid, for starters.
So, what if you rely on those to keep your skin clear? No worries. Simply make it a point to apply those things at night instead of in the day. That way, you can still take advantage of their benefits without making your skin super susceptible to the potential of sun-related drama.
10. Apply Avocado Oil at Night
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One more. An oil that I’ve grown to like to cook withand apply to my skin is avocado oil. As far as my skin goes, it’s got a lot of fatty acids in it, along with vitamins A, D, and E, potassium, and oleic acid (which helps with collagen production). Avocado oil is also a great skin moisturizer (without being uber greasy), can help to relieve dandruff and dry nail cuticles, reduces the inflammation that’s associated with breakouts, and can slow down the signs of aging too.
Listen, you’re gonna be in bed for 6-8 hours every night, right? Before turning in, pamper your skin with a little oil, so that it will look that much more beautiful come morning — as you welcome yet another (almost) springtime day!
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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