

If He REALLY Wants You Back, He’ll Do This.
I'm not on social media, so some things I miss when they are trending. Take the #HurtBae hashtag that went viral a couple of years ago. I just saw all of the videos recently. Whew. If you're not familiar with the backstory, there's a platform called Iris that featured a former couple—Kourtney and Leonard. The first six-minute-and-some-change video consisted of them discussing/processing the ending of their relationship (according to Leonard, he slept with so many other women while they were together that he lost count). The second five-minute-and-some-change video was about Kourtney talking about the first video going viral and how it literally changed her life overnight. The final a-little-over-seven-minutes video brought Kourtney and Leonard back together, a year later, to see where things stood (Leonard, Leonard, Leonard).
The reason why I'm intro'ing this particular topic by recommending that you check—or re-check—those videos out is for a few reasons. One reason is because it is one of the best examples of the kind of man you should never take back into your life—as a boyfriend or a friend (Leonard's pride was ridiculous; he was mad flippant and disrespectful too). Another reason is, if you're currently going through a break-up with someone, the year later follow-up is a hopeful reminder that time heals all wounds and 12 months can totally change your life for the better (hang in there). And finally, the video series is the opposite of what this article is about. Kourtney revisited why it was good to never reconcile with Leonard; this is about how to know if an ex truly wants you back.
Reconciling with an ex isn't always or automatically a bad—or stupid or pointless—thing. No two people are perfect. Sometimes break-ups happen so that both individuals can mature, evolve and come back together at a better, healthier and more purposeful time. But if that is indeed the case, there are certain things that should transpire first. So, before entertaining letting an ex back into your heart and life again, make sure that he does these following five things (at least).
He’ll Acknowledge His Faults—WITHOUT DEFLECTING
There's someone who really hurt my feelings this time last year. Last month, we met up. Kind of like Kourtney and Leonard, only without the cameras. Anyway, although he let me share how what he did affected me, not once did he apologize. It was more like, he listened and explained why he does what he does without really owning up to how supremely jacked up he can be when it comes to matters of the heart. In fact, there was a time in the convo when he said, "No one else in my life wants to have these kinds of conversations." (No one holds you accountable?) Oh, here was another gem—"Honestly, I'm here more for you than for me." Ohhh…you hurt me but rather than acknowledge what you did wrong, you want me to be thankful that you're even out here at all. #thisguy
You know, not too long ago, a friend of mine told me that their spouse never apologizes for anything and that is something that I might have to accept in order to salvage things with ole' boy. NOPE. An apology is an act of acknowledgement and humility. Someone who isn't willing to do that is someone who is setting you up to go through the same drama and trauma all over again. I'll pass.
So yeah, sis, if "he" really wants you back and he knows there are things that he did wrong (or that simply hurt you because that's not always the same thing as "doing wrong") in the first place, he's gonna bring up where he went wrong, apologize and share, without any prompting on your part, how he's going to do better in those areas. Because his love for you will be bigger than his pride (cue in Sade's "Love Is Stronger than Pride" right here).
He’ll Want to Know Your Needs. And Wants.
Clearly, if the both of you were getting your needs met (not just you, him too), things probably wouldn't have ended in the first place. But sometimes, when you're in the throes of a relationship, you're so busy trying to make it work that you're not always stopping to process if you both are bringing to the table what's required for the relationship to thrive in the first place. Sometimes a break-up lets you see if the love you had for each other really is enough to try and give things another shot.
If your ex comes to the conclusion that it is, he's already gonna know that it's an honor for him to even get a second chance. He's also going to be painfully aware of the fact that if things go south this time, there probably won't be another opportunity. For both of these reasons, he will be proactive about getting to know what you need in order to be fulfilled and happy this go around. He won't assume he knows. He won't be shocked if the time apart has revealed to you that some of your needs have changed. He'll need you, so what you need from him (within reason; check out "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" to get what I mean by that) will be a top priority. Some of your wants—also within reason—will be as well.
He’ll Be a Better Version of the Man Who Left
There are three online dating series that I currently enjoy. One is called Can 2 Strangers Fall in Love with 36 Questions? It's a reminder to be intentional with truly getting to know someone on your first few dates with them (Russell and Kera and Azariah and Nikki are two of my favorite couples so far). Another is Eating with My Ex. In a particular episode, exes Jas and Ash ask each other (among others) four super-relevant questions: Why can't we let go? Are you always trying to win me back? Where do we go from here?Delete each other's number or get back together? (If you are considering getting back with an ex, I recommend asking these too!) Then there is the Snapchat series Second Chances.
In an episode featuring exes Rovelt and Richelle, they broke up due to flirting and poor communication issues. As they were hashing things out and trying to figure out if they could make things work, Rovelt pulled a surprise on everyone. He not only admitted the areas where he could—and should—improve but he offered Richelle a promise ring as well. He even got on one knee.
I appreciated his effort because, to me, it was a reminder that if/when an ex wants you back, he's not just going to want to be with you again; he's going to present a better version of who he was before. You'll see growth in his character, his efforts and even his perspective. You won't have to prompt any of this to happen either. He'll do it all on his own. Because he wants to. Because he wants you.
He’ll Want the Relationship to Be More than It Was Before
This one right here, while it might seem like the same point that I just made, it actually isn't. I'd venture to say that a top reason for why a lot of relationships end is because it's reached the "piss or get off the pot" portion of the program; you know, the place when one person wants to move forward while the other either wants things to remain exactly the same (see "Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?" and "Here's How You Know He Won't Commit to You. Like, EVER."). If this is why you and your ex are no longer a couple, I don't care how much you love him, how strong the connection is or whatever other "tempting" reason you have for entertaining going another round, if he still doesn't want what you ultimately desire, what's the point in choosing to frustrate yourself all over again?
I remember Dr. Phil once saying that when he was dating his wife, Robin, there came a point when she was like, "Listen, if you're not gonna marry me, I need to get on with my life." She did just that and moved to another city. Not too long after, he went and got her back; not to be his girlfriend but to become his wife.
Some people might find what Robin did to be an ultimatum. I'm actually not big on applying those to relationships, so I don't. She didn't say, "Marry me or else". No, what she said was, "I know the kind of relationship that I desire and I'm gonna free my heart and life up in order to get it." BIG DIFFERENCE.
There really is no point in reconciling with an ex for more of what you got, that you didn't want, before. This is probably why a lot of men can break up with a woman they love and completely leave her alone; they know this. So yeah, if your ex is truly trying to get back with you and the main reason you broke up in the first place was because the relationship wasn't bad, it was simply stagnant, he's gonna come with a plan, a purpose and a future. You can take that to the bank!
He’ll Be Thorough and Consistent
Two things that are totally underestimated when it comes to both men and women is getting with someone who is thorough and consistent. To be thorough is to be extremely attentive. To be consistent is to be constant, dependable and reliable.
A lot of men like the chase, so don't be too moved by what your ex initially does in order to capture your attention. Take things slow (intimacy included) so that you can see if he's going to call when he says he will, if he's really listening to what you communicate to him, if he's avoiding the past faux pas that were made, if he's striving to make you feel safe and secure—if he's showing that getting involved with him again isn't going to be a rerun but something very fresh and new.
If this is the kind of man who shows up, while it's wise to proceed with a bit of caution, please don't close yourself off to the thought of opening up again. Especially if deep love is there, it's OK that you want to give that man a chance. Even if he is…an ex.
Featured image by Getty Images
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Chief Mom Officer: 23 Quotes From Working Moms Finding Their Balance
The truth is, Black moms create magic every single day. Whether we're juggling motherhood with a busy 9-5, a thriving business, or staying at home to run a household, no day is short of amazing when you're managing life as a mommy. This Mother's Day, xoNecole is giving flowers to CMOs (Chief Mom Officers) in business who exemplify the strength it takes to balance work with motherhood.
We've commissioned these ladies, who are pillars in their respective industries, for tidbits of advice to get you through the best and worst days of mothering. Here, they share their "secret sauce" and advice for other moms trying to find their rhythm.
Emmelie De La Cruz, Chief Strategist at One Day CMO
"My mom friends and I all laugh and agree: Motherhood is the ghettoest thing you will ever do. It's beautiful and hard all at the same time, but one day you will wake up and feel like 'I got this' and you will get the hang of it. After 4 months, I finally felt like I found my footing to keep my kid and myself alive, but it took vulnerability to take off the cape and be honest about the areas that I didn't have it all together. The healing (physically and emotionally) truly does happen in community - whatever and whoever that looks like for you."
Alizè V. Garcia, Director Of Social & Community Impact at Nike
"I would tell a new mom or a prospective mother that they must give themselves grace, understand and remember there is no right way to do this thing and have fun! When I had my daughter three and a half years ago, I was petrified! I truly had no clue about what to do and how I was going to do it. But with time, my confidence grew and I realized quickly that I have all the tools I need to be the mother I want to be."
Nikki Osei-Barrett, Publicist + Co-Founder of The Momference
"There's no balance. I'm dropping sh*t everywhere! However, my secret sauce is pursuing interests and hobbies outside of what's required of me and finding time to workout. Stronger body equals = stronger mind."
Lauren Grove, Chief Experience Architect, The Grant Access, LLC
"I try to give myself grace. That’s my mantra for this phase of motherhood…grace. I won’t be able to get everything done. To have a spotless house. To not lose my cool after an exhausting day. Those things can’t happen all of the time. But I can take a deep breath and know tomorrow is another day and my blessings are more plentiful than my pitfalls."
Rachel Nicks, Founder & CEO of Birth Queen
"You have the answers within you. Don’t compare yourself to others. Curate your life to work for you. Ask for help."
Tanisha Colon-Bibb, Founder + CEO Rebelle Agency + Rebelle Management
"I know love doesn't pay bills but when I am overwhelmed with work or client demands I take a moment to play with my baby and be reminded of the love, energy, science, and Godliness that went into his birth. I am brightened by his smile and laugh. I remember I am someone's parent and not just a work horse. That at the end of the day everything will work out for the good of my sanity and the love within my life."
Christina Brown, Founder of LoveBrownSugar & BabyBrownSugar
"Learning your rhythm as a mom takes time and can be uncomfortable when you’re in a season of overwhelm. Constantly check in with yourself and assess what’s working and what’s not. Get the help you need without feeling guilty or ashamed of needing it."
Mecca Tartt, Executive Director of Startup Runway Foundation
"I want to be the best for myself, my husband, children and company. However, the reality is you can have it all but not at the same time. My secret sauce is outsourcing and realizing that it’s okay to have help in order for me to perform at the highest level."
Jen Hayes Lee, Head Of Marketing at The Bump (The Knot Worldwide)
"My secret sauce is being direct and honest with everyone around me about what I need to be successful in all of my various "jobs". Setting boundaries is one thing, but if you're the only one who knows they exist, your partners at home and on the job can't help you maintain them. I also talk to my kids like adults and let them know why mommy needs to go to this conference or get this massage...they need to build an appreciation for my needs too!"
Whitney Gayle-Benta, Chief Music Officer JKBX
"What helps me push through each day is the motivation to continue by thinking about my son. All my efforts, though exhausting, are to create a wonderful life for him."
Ezinne Okoro, Global Chief Inclusion, Equity, & Diversity Officer at Wunderman Thompson,
"The advice I received that I’ll pass on is, you will continue to figure it out and find your rhythm as your child grows into new stages. Trust your nurturing intuition, parent on your terms, and listen to your child."
Jovian Zayne, CEO of The OnPurpose Movement
"I live by the personal mantra: 'You can’t be your best self by yourself.' My life feels more balanced when I offer the help I can give and ask for the help I need. This might mean outsourcing housecleaning for my home, or hiring additional project management support for my business."
Simona Noce Wright, Co-Founder of District Motherhued and The Momference
"Each season of motherhood (depending on age, grade, workload) requires a different rhythm. With that said, be open to learning, to change, and understand that what worked for one season may not work the other...and that's okay."
Janaye Ingram, Director of Community Partner Programs and Engagement at Airbnb
"My daughter's smile and sweet spirit help me to feel gratitude when I'm overwhelmed. I want her to see a woman who doesn't quit when things get hard."
Codie Elaine Oliver, CEO & Founder of Black Love
"I try to listen to my body and simply take a break. With 3 kids and a business with 10+ team members, I often feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I deserve grace for everything I'm juggling, I take a walk or have a snack or even head home to see my kids, and then I get back to whatever I need to get done."
Jewel Burks Solomon, Managing Partner at Collab Capital
"Get comfortable with the word ‘no’. Be very clear about your non-negotiables and communicate them to those around you."
Julee Wilson, Executive Director at BeautyUnited and Beauty Editor-at-Large at Cosmopolitan
"Understand you can’t do it alone — and that’s ok. Relinquish the need to control everything. Create a village and lean on them."
Salwa Benyaich, Director Of Pricing and Planning at Premion
"Most days I really try to shut my computer off by 6 pm; there are always exceptions of course when it comes to big deals or larger projects but having this as a baseline allows me to be much more present with my kids. I love the fact that I can either help with homework or be the designated driver to at least one afterschool activity. Work can be draining but there is nothing more emotionally draining than when you feel as though you are missing out on moments with your kids."
Brooke Ellis, Head of Global Marketing & Product Launches at Amazon Music
My calendar, prayer, pilates class at Forma, a good playlist, and oatmilk lattes all help get me through any day.
Courtney Beauzile, Global Director of Client and Business Development at Shearman & Sterling
My husband is a partner who steps in when I just can’t. My mom and my MIL come through whenever and however I need. My kids have many uncles and aunts and they will lend an ear, go over homework, teach life lessons, be a presence or a prayer warrior depending on the day.
Robin Snipes, Chief of Staff at Meta
"Enjoy the time you have to yourself because once kids come those times will be few and far between."
Monique Bivens, CEO & Founder at Brazilian Babes LLC.
"For new moms, it is very important that you get back into a habit or routine of something you use to do before you were pregnant. Consider the actives and things that give you the most joy and make the time to do them."
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Featured image by Westend61/Getty Images
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What That 'Body Do': Chlöe Bailey Shows Us How She Achieves Her Signature Curves
If you’ve ever wondered what Chlöe Bailey does to achieve her signature curves, you’re in luck because the 24-year-old artist recently gave fans a peek into what’s keeping her fit ahead of hot girl summer.
In a short clip shared to her Instagram stories, the "Treat Me" singer is seen getting her cardio in on the elliptical machine while showing off her toned abs in a gray, leopard print two-piece set and dazzling cross necklace as a light gym flex.
With her medicine ball secured in hand, she knocked out a few reps of standing Russian twists with the support of her trainer nearby. This, we must say, is an impressive take on the traditional ab workout, as it is typically performed while sitting on the floor or gym mat.
Last week, the Atlanta native provided fans with another look into her gym routine with a TikTok video of her performing a sturdy set of glute kickbacks on a cable machine, fittingly to her new song, "Body Do." This exercise is the perfect finishing move for the glutes if you’re looking for growth, gains, and a toned shape. Maintain steady control to experience this exercise's complete burn and benefits.
putting in that work 💪🏾
@chloebaileywashere putting in that work 💪🏾
One thing’s for certain, Chlöe puts in the work to achieve her body, but the journey to embrace her body hasn’t come without trial. In 2021, on Taraji P. Henson’s Facebook Watch show Peace of Mind with Taraji, she shared the impact that social media body shaming has had on her self-image. "I've been like, really insecure for a long time, and I'm finally at that place where I have self-confidence," Bailey said.
"And at first, I was really getting sad about it," she continued. "But then I thought — why would I let that control my thoughts and feelings when I know it's a lie? So I kind of had to give it not so much power. I'm not doing anything crazy; I'm just loving and appreciating my body, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
The Praise This star is fresh off the release of her highly anticipated debut solo album and multi-city tour, and judging from her recent videos, we don’t see her slowing down anytime soon. We’re taking notes, Ms. Bailey.
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Featured image by Corey Nickols/Getty Images for IMDb